SpaceBar Adventures: A New Hoax
by Jemu Nekketsu
Summary: The wrath of brownhaired lead characters is devastating. The wrath of a writer, even more so. Read more and find out.
1. Ready, Set, Go go go!

SpaceBar Adventures I: Tenkawa Muyo (No Need for Cook-Boy)  
by Jemu Nekketsu (jemu99@yahoo.com)  
  
*this is my first try at writing a fanfic. Conception of this horror  
was sometime near 6/24/2002. You might need to set word wrap on to read this properly. Sorry 'bout that.*  
  
DISCLAIMER: The Shinji Ikari from NGE appears courtesy of Gainax. If it weren't for them, he wouldn't be here. Nadesico characters courtesy of Xebec. They aren't mine, and they never will be. I'm just borrowing them for my demented purposes. The only thing I own are the characters Bartender and Evang, self-inserts as they stand, and the ideas for this story. There, I've said it. No suing now, OK?  
  
[The scene: a dimly lit barroom, almost empty save for two patrons   
sitting on stools near the bartender. Upon closer inspection, it is  
revealed that both patrons have brown hair, though different hairstyles.  
One appears normal, while the other has his hair standing up, not an   
uncommon occurrence in this place. If you really want to be specific,   
the customers are Shinji Ikari and Akito Tenkawa. Both are drinking   
beer from mugs, and both seem to have big problems, which of course the  
bartender notices.]  
  
Bartender: (Walks over to the two) Let me guess, separated at birth,  
raised on different planets by scientist parents. Correct?  
Shinji: (looks up from his mug) Huh?  
Akito: (at the same time) What?!  
Bartender: (takes a stopwatch from his apron pocket) Wow, synchronized  
responses! You really are brothers, all right. Or at least, clones.  
Akito: Like hell! I knew who who my parents were -  
Shinji: And so did I. My father is a cold-hearted bastard who was the  
reason my mother died.  
Bartender: (holding his hands up) Hey, sorry, okay? I see two guys moping over their beers, and it's in the Bacchanalic Oath that I should at least find out what's wrong. Even if I don't want to.  
Akito: (puzzled) Bacchanalic Oath?  
Bartender: It's the Hippocratic Oath for us bartenders. That's why I'm this nosy toward you guys, beacuase you're my customers.  
Shinji: (indignant) Look, I just want to be left alone. Okay?  
Bartender: (an omniscient gleam in his eye) That's what you always say.  
(To Akito) That sentence ought to be outlawed, you know.  
Akito: What do you mean?  
Bartender: (another gleam in his eye) I mean this guy here. (Claps a hand on Shinji's shoulder) A female deity asks him what he wants, and he answers "I want to be left alone." Said goddess grants his wish by annihilating every lifeform on the planet, save him and this redhead that he's got the hots for.  
Shinji: (in a tone of quiet menace) Take your hand off of me.  
Bartender: (takes his hand away) Hey, okay, I was just trying to make conversation here, y'know? Don't pop my head off -  
[Bartender never finishes his sentence, as Shinji, with a roar of sudden rage, plants his fist into his face. The punch drops the poor Bartender to the floor.]  
Akito: My, my, sensitive are we? (Looks at Shinji from head to toe, then turns back to his drink.)  
Bartender: (miraculously back on his feet, looking no worse after Shinji's punch) What would you know of sensitive, Tenkawa Akito, AKA Prince of Daaarrkkhnesss, AKA Mr. I'm-not-the-guy-you-once-knew?  
Akito: What's that supposed top mean? (Tries to grab Bartender's neck, but Bartender quickly sidesteps.)  
Bartender: (sarcastic and sardonic at hte same time) Tell me, Mr. Tenkawa, how is your wife doing these days. Ooops, you haven't seen her since you rescued her. How silly of me.  
Shinji: (to Akito) You're married? What are you doing in this bar, then?  
Bartender: (to Shinji) The same thing you always do Shinji: running away.  
[Upon hearing this, both patrons look at each other. An unseen communication passes between them, and upon turning back to Bartender...]  
Shinji: AT FIELD!  
[Bartender is flung against his stock of glasses and bottles. The AT Field destroys the part of the bar caught in its radius. Shattered glass is everywhere.]  
Akito: (Leaping at Bartender with his fist extended) GEKIGAN FLARE!!  
[His attack connects with Bartender's chest, and a sickening CRUNCH is heard. He pulls back, and Bartender's body slumps to the floor.]  
Shinji: (assessing the damage that they've done) Well, that was one way of shutting him up.  
Akito: (smiling slightly) Yeah, I guess it was. A lot of fun too.  
[A loud BANG! surprises the two. The pilots turn around just in time to see a man in red robes climb up from what appears to be a medieval trapdoor built into the floor. As the man steps up into the light, the two notice that he bears a striking resemblance to...]  
Both Pilots: (incredulous)...Bartender?!  
[The two of them look back, and sure enough, Bartender's mangled body was still on the floor, amid a sea of spilled wine and shattered glass. Turning back...]  
Shinji: Who...? what...?  
Akito: Are you...?   
???: A clone? (laughs softly) No, I am not a clone. I despise the term. I prefer to be thought of as a vessel.  
Akito: Umm, Mr. -  
???: My name is Evang. (Waves a hand, and the trapdoor closes quietly behind him)  
Akito: Oh. Ah, Mr. Evang -   
Evang: Just Evang, Mr. Tenkawa. Nothing more.  
Akito: Okay. Listen, Evang, about the property damage, we're sorry -  
Evang: (In a frosty tone) But not for the mortal damage to my other self? I'm disappointed, gentlemen. (The last word is said with a sneer.)  
Shinji: Well, he started it. (Indicating Bartender)  
Evang: (Sarcastic) That's very adult of you, Mr. Ikari. Be that as it may, you had no right to attack him. By the way, when did you two start creating your mecha's shield systems and using them for attack?  
Akito: We'll tell you, as soon as you tell us where we are.  
Evang: Whatever for?  
Shinji: Because you forgot to tell the readers, baka. (Smirks.)  
Evang: Oh. (Sweatdrops.) You're, I mean, we're on board the FL SpaceBar, currently holding geo-synchronous orbit over the Philippine island of Luzon.  
Shinji: (remembers a geography class) That's somewhere in southeast Asia, right? (Pauses.) You mean, there's still life on the planet?  
Evang: Corrrect. Ten points to House Ikari.   
Shinji: But... Rei... the Third Impact...  
Evang: This is a crossfic. There's a hidden law somewhere that says "Planetary destruction, especially of the Earth, is to be kept to a minimum."  
Shinji: But killing all the lifeforms on a planet except for two isn't destroying it, right?  
Evang: It is, if it's you and Asuka left to repopulate the planet.  
[Akito snickers. Shinji glares at him, but Akito just glares back. This could have gone forever, when...]  
Evang: (closes his eyes for a few seconds, then) I sense an imbalance in the force (TM).  
Akito: (points to the side) Bathroom's that way.  
Evang: I don't mean 'that', you jerk. (Makes a grabbing motion toward Akito's neck, and squeezes.)   
[Shinji watches in horror as Akito is lifted off the ground. Akito, meanwhile, is trying to break the mysterious choke on his neck.]  
Shinji: Stop it! Let him go! (Starts toward Evang.)  
Evang: (cuts his telekinetic grip and lets his hand falls to his side. As he does, Akito, who has turned blue, drops to he floor, gasping.) It appears that I do not share my other's sense of hunor, no?  
Shinji: Is he going to be alright?  
Evang: Oh, his throat will give him suffering, but not as much suffering as what I felt earlier from the Force (TM).  
Akito: (standing up slowly, croaking) What... do you... mean... (winces).  
Evang: A ship has entered the SpaceBar's sphere of influence. We are being hailed by it as of now. I must answer it. (Waves a hand, and a visual comm screen appears in front of them.)  
[A blue haired woman appears on the screen. Akito suddenly freezes like a deer caught between headlights.]  
Yurika: Attention FL SpaceBar. I know my husband is in there, and I would like you to turn him over to me.  
Evang: What if I tell you that you are wrong and your husband is not aboard our installation?  
Yurika: You can't fool me. That pink Aestivalis you have docked on your staion is a dead giveaway.  
Evang: If I refuse? What will you do?  
Yurika: (smiling) Then I'll tell Captain Hoshino to fire a Gravity Blast at you. You do have a field of sorts erected around your station, but sensors tell me that it won't protect you from a Gravity Blast.  
Akito: (thawing) Yuu... Yurii...  
Yurika: (her face assumes a dopey, lovesick look)Akito! Akito is that you! Don't worry my love, I've come to rescue you, like you've done so many times for me!(face turns stern again) So what will it be, Station Master?  
Evang: (Pretends to consider possibilities) Well, I don't want to die here in space, so I guess I'll hand him over to you.  
Akito: Hah! I'll just Boson jump out of here! I've done it before, I can do it again! (Closes his eyes, and concentrates...)  
[AND NOTHING HAPPENS.]  
Evang: Ah, ma'am? I thought you might want to know, your husband tried to escape with a Boson jump. (Waves his hand at Yurika's image) I suggest you come aboard and retrieve him.  
Yurika: Okay! I will! Wait for me, love! (screen winks out.)  
[Akito falls to his knees and starts whimpering.]  
Akito:(whimper) I can't run away... Why...   
Bartender: Because I linked all four Gap Generators (TM) to the station's Chronosphere (TM), creating a temporal anomaly field that just happens to prevent Boson jumping. (Smiles evilly.)  
Shinji: (whipering to Evang) Was that his wife?  
Evang: (whispering back) Yes. Yurika Misumaru Tenkawa.  
Shinji: I think I now know why he ran away. (Sweatdrops.)  
Evang: (laughs) You don't even know half of it.  
[The bar doors open, and Yurika walks in, wearing her captain's uniform form the Nadesico-A. Evang stands straight and gives her a military salute, fingertips of right hand to right eyebrow. Yurika ignores him, having eyes only for her errant husband.]  
Yurika: AKITO! (Tackles him and sends both of them to the floor.) You're on you're knees, praying for my coming weren't you? I knew it: you do LOVE me! (embraces him tightly)  
Akito: Aaaahhhhh! Get her off of me!  
Bartender: Ah, sweet love. Brings tears to the eyes, doesn't it?  
Evang: Indeed it does. (His eyes are suddenly bright. He rubs his arm in front of his eyes, as if to clear away something.)  
Shinji: (belatedly realizes) You're alive, Bartender-san.  
Bartender: And I haven't forgotten what you did to me, Ikari. Damn, but that hurt. But soon, you will suffer as Tenkawa is suffering right now. (points to the Tenkawas, still tangled on the floor)  
Evang: Attention Nadesico-C. You might want to dock for a while and let your crew board. It looks like your passengers won't be leaving for a while, at least.  
Ruri: You mean we can't leave them behind with you?  
Evang: Much as we would like to accomodadte you, we can't. We're trying for something PG-13, you see. (Gestures to the couple on the floor.)  
[Yurika is apparently trying to eat her husband up bit by bit, while Akito is still trying to get out of his wife's embrace. A few seconds later however, his resistance has been kissed away and he is soon observed to be returning her kisses. His hands have started to roam, first on her shoulders, then lower towards her...]  
Bartender: Hey you two! Either stop or get a room, just don't turn this thing into a lemon! Hey! You listening to me!  
  
THE END (for now...) 


	2. Questions and More Questions

SpaceBar Adventures II: Questions and ... More Questions  
A fanfic by James Evangelista (jemu99@yahoo.com)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters appearing in these scenes, with the exceptions of Bartender and Evang. All other characters belong to their respective owners. There I've said it. So don't go suing me, eh?  
  
#A 5-6 is a loansharking term. It means if you borrow $500 from me, I'd expect you to return $600 to me unless you want to face a goon squad or get hexed.  
  
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5...4...3...2...1...Poof!  
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[SCENE: the SpaceBar Main Lounge. A raised platform, which would usually hold a live performer or five, is currently occupied by two men and a pair of microphones. In one booth sits Akito Tenkawa, with Yurika in his lap. In another, keeping a mug of beer company, is Shinji Ikari. A reconstruction-droid is taking measurements of the circular hole in the bar.]  
Bartender: Welcome back to the Spacebar. This is our second episode, the questions episode. Me and my companion, the telekinetic Force(tm)-sensitive psycopath Evang -  
Evang: Hello! (flashes two V's, one on each hand)  
Bartender:(looks sideways at his companion, then back to the audience) Will be here to answer any questions you might have.  
Evang: Question, Bartender-san!  
Bartender: Huh?  
Evang: What's your first name?  
Bartender: Why do you ask?  
Evang: Because the author has been complaining about having to type out such a long word for your lines.  
[Everybody laughs out loud at this.]  
Bartender: Okay, to answer that, my first name is Jemu. Henceforth all lines referring to or said by Jemu would be taken to refer to the Bartender. Clear?  
Readers: Hai!  
Jemu: OK! Next Question! Yes, Mr. Ikari?  
Shinji: How did I get here? I knew EVAs have some rudimentary jump-jets but they're still land-based, right?  
Jemu: You got here via the OAH device, Mr. Ikari.  
Shinji: What the hell is an OAH device?  
Evang: Let me explain.(opens his mouth when suddenly Ines Fresange jumps in from... somewhere)  
Ines: Did somebody say 'explain'? (holds a hand to her forehead and sways slightly) Ooooh, my head...  
Jemu: Here. (assists Ines to a nearby booth) Sorry about that. The Chrono-Gap from last episode is just beginning to clear.(Produces a bottle filled with clear liquid and a glass, which he fills halfway)  
This might help. Slowly, though.(hands the glass to Ines)  
Ines: Arigato. (takes a sip) Hey, not bad. What is it?  
Jemu: House special. Trade secret, sorry, can't tell. Maybe later after Evang finishes talking.(takes a seat opposite her)  
Evang: (clearing his throat) As I was saying, Mr. Ikari, you were brought here by the OAH device. OAH stands for Omnipotent Author Hammerspace. Simply put, because the author wanted you here, you were brought here. (notices a raised hand) Yes, Doctor?  
Ines: What is this hammerspace you refer to?   
Evang: It is a small bubble of subspace where some people store their equipment. The common users are females, wherein they usually store mallets, bazookas, transformation devices, etc. Males generally store weapons, like handguns, especially when they wear shorts or have nowhere to hide a gun in.  
Shinji: (irritated) So I was just here for no reason?   
Jemu: Well, I got to use you as the butt of a few jokes, as I did Tenkawa, right? Doesn't that count for something?  
Shinji: (glowering) Do you want another beatdown, Bartender-san?(stands up from his seat)  
[Evang tenses, as he feels Shinji unfold his AT Field.]  
Jemu: (reaching behind him with both hands) I knew I'd have a use for these.(whips out a pair of futuristic looking pistols and aims them at Shinji)  
Evang: Hey! Aren't those -   
Jemu: (calmly) The positron pistols I bought from the Boombiker for 5-6? You better believe it. (smiles evilly at Shinji) Your move, Shinji-boy.  
Shinji: Eep. (resumes his seat)  
[Jemu places both hands behind him again. He brings his hands back on the table, empty of pistols.]  
Ines: I believe that was a demonstration of hammerspace, Mr. Evang.  
Evang: Right you are, Doctor. (Turns to the audience) Anybody else have any questions?  
Akito: (pulling his lips free from Yurika's) I do. Got a room here where we can get some privacy?   
[Yurika giggles. Everybody else just rolls their eyes.]  
Evang: (coughing) Uh, okay. (looks around) We're still working on the expansions, but I believe I can do something for you.  
[Evang hops down from the stage. He then reaches down and pulls at a rusted iron ring on the floor {The hell? Where did that come from?}. A section of the floor reveals itself to be a trapdoor. Evang, seemingly satisfied, turns back to Akito.]  
Evang: It's not a honeymoon suite, but it has privacy, a bathroom with a tub for two (grins), a Telepathic Hammerspace Refrigerator, and a bed with a feather mattress.  
Akito: Awesome. (goes back to his booth, takes Yurika in his arms like a groom carrying his bride over the threshold, and makes his way toward the trapdoor) Uh, won't this close down or something?  
Evang: Nahhh. Come out when you two are ready, and the room will disappear. But only then. Also, once you two enter, the handle would vanish, as if it wasn't there in the first place.  
Jemu: Sounds like something from Disney Channel.  
Evang: So paint me blue and call me a Djinn. (to the Tenkawas) Enjoy yourselves.  
Yurika: we will. And thank you!  
[Akito carries Yurika down the stairs. Seconds later the floor is whole again.]  
Ines: Amazing. That, or I'm getting drunk. (Takes another sip from her glass.)  
Shinji: (sounding morose, which is not surprising after witnessing the display earlier) So what am I doing here, really?  
Jemu: Just wait. (goes over to the comm port) Hailing the Nadesico. This is the SpaceBar. Please respond.  
Ruri: This is Captain Hoshino. Is everything alright?  
Jemu: Everything is fine, Captain. I'd like to ask a favor, though.   
Ruri: (suddenly wary) A favor?  
Jemu: Yes. I'd like to arrange for a cargo transport back to Earth. One large bio-mechanical and its reluctant male pilot.  
Ruri: (in a stage whisper) Great. Another baka. (normal tone) Why don't you just send them via hammerspace?  
Jemu: How did you know about that? The SpaceBar's disruption system should have scrambled all attempts to intrude in our privacy! Tell me is the system really that pathetic?  
Evang: (looking up from playing his harmonica) I told you buying stuff from the Boombiker was stupid.  
Ruri: No, the system was okay. It gave me a minute or two of headaches, but fortunately I had help.  
Jemu: What do you mean?  
Lapis: She means me. Is Akito alright?  
[Jemu does a double take as his mind interprets what he sees right now: two Captain Hoshinos? Even in his dumbfounded state, he still took satisfaction in the look of bewilderment on Shinji's and Evang's faces. Ines just smiled.]  
Jemu: Two... two... uhh... (starts drooling like an idiot)  
Ruri: How rude of me. This (motions to the girl beside her) is Lapis. The resemblance is striking, is it not?  
Jemu:...  
Evang:...  
Shinji:(thiniking to himself) It's nice to know that cloning shit doesn't only happen in my series.  
Ruri: (still standing beside Lapis) Hailing the SpaceBar. Anybody alive in there?  
Jemu: (snaps out of his trance, wipes the drool off his face) Ah, yes?  
Ruri: Baka baka. Why can't you send them back through hammerspace?  
Jemu: Oh, that. Well, the Evangelion is too big. (sweatdrops)  
Ruri: (sighs) Okay, since you've made Akito and Yurika happy-(turns to Lapis) No, nothing's wrong with you, it's just that the restraining field they used to cancel Boson jumps somehow cut your connection with Akito.  
Lapis: Will he be alright? (to Jemu) Where is he right now?  
Evang: Well, Yurika and Akito are probably having a "little talk" right now in a private room on board. And don't bother trying to tap in: even I can't detect them using my Awareness 5.  
Jemu: 5? I thought you told me you were a 7?  
Evang: When I'm drunk. ^_^  
Jemu: Right. (turns back to the screen) So Captain, what is your decision? I'll understand if you refuse, though. It's alright with me.  
Ruri: Well, since you've gotten Yurika off my back, so to speak, I guess we manage to fit in your pilot and his mech. How big is it anyway?  
Jemu: Well, an Aestivalis would reach up to its waist-  
Seiya: What! That's insane! No way it's going into the Aesti hangar standing up! The cargo bay, maybe...  
Everyone: Uri-P?! What are you doing there?  
Ruri: Well, someone has to train the new mechanics, so-  
Evang: I see. Think the cargo bay can handle it, lying down?  
Seiya: We'll see. Can I come on board to see the thing?  
Jemu: Sure. How about a beer?  
Seiya: Why not? (grins, then signs out)  
Shinji: So that's it? You're sending me back to Tokyo-3? What about your- (Cuts off, before he says 'revenge'.)  
Jemu: Revenge? Look, (takes something from his pocket) I want you to give this to your father. Do it, and we'll call it quits. OK?  
Shinji: (stares at the hazardous material container) Won't I die if I touch that?  
[Evang, meanwhile is refilling Ines' glass, this time nearly to the brim.]  
Jemu: If it was fatal, I'd be dead now. So would you.  
Shinji: You've got a point there.  
Jemu: Catch! (Throws the canister at Shinji.)  
[Shinji is startled, but manages to catch it.]  
Jemu: Tell your father an old friend from the 1980s Philippines still remembers him. He'll understand.  
BOS (Brain Of SpaceBar, the station's computer): Mr Uribatake has reached the hangar area, sir.  
Evang: That's good BOS. (to Shinji) Well, show him around your EVA, boy. Run along now.  
Shinji: Okay. (stands up and exits the lounge.)  
Evang: (whispering) Are you sure it's wise to get Dr. Fresange drunk?  
Jemu: (grinning, whispers back) It's all in the plan.  
Evang: (whispering) Are you trying to get lucky and score with her?  
Jemu: (in an angry whisper) I'm not getting her drunk to score with her, I just need her incapacitated to prevent her from Boson jumping out properly.  
Evang: (whispering) To what end?  
Jemu: (whispering as well) So that she and another blonde female scientist can have a very interesting talk, probably a techno-babble episode.  
Evang: You mean- (glances at the door were Shinji exited.) You wouldn't!  
Jemu: Really? {massive foreshadowing, everyone!}  
Ines: (in a slurred voice) Hey you two are getting kinda cozy over there? Maybe you need to use that room after Akito and Yurika are finished with it. (giggles)  
[Both males sweatdrop.]  
Evang: (walking casually toward Ines) She's drunk.  
Jemu: Not my fault. I wasn't the one who filled her glass.  
Evang: It was your wine. What the hell was in that bottle anyway?  
Ines: Yes, you promised to tell me later. It's later now. (giggles again)  
Jemu: A native Philippine wine called 'tuba'. It's made from coconut water.  
Evang: And the Philippines has a lot of coconuts. ^_^!  
[A vid-screen appears. Seiya is on it, with Shinji and a large purple form in the background.]  
Seiya: You lying swine! I thought you said an Aesti would reach up to its waist!  
Jemu: I did, but you didn't let me finish. I was about to say that an Aestivalis would reach up to its waist, if the Evangelion was curled up in a ball.  
Seiya: Bakayaro! (signs out)  
Ines: You said you had plans for me, Jemu. Is this true?  
Evang: It probably is, but knowing him, it none of those plans are hentai.  
Ines: Oh, how disappointing. (hiccups) Oh, excuse me. (hiccups again)  
Jemu: That's it then? You can read minds? Why didn't you tell me?  
Evang: I can't read minds, but I do know that you can't write lemons-  
Jemu: Hoy! Foul! Low blow! Judge!  
Ines: (suddenly in her "explain" mode, all traces of drunkeness gone) His inability to write scenes where people are engaged in the sexual act appears to be a manifestation of his personal sexual development.  
Jemu: (in a flat voice) Just what the hell do you mean by that?  
Evang: (smugly) She means that you don't know how to write lemons because you haven't gotten laid yet, nor are you going to get any, you poor jerk.  
[A glimmering drop falls into a dark pool, causing shimmering ripples to form and spread outward. For those who can't see what this is, this what Yurika was visualizing, what we saw in her mind before she goes...]  
Jemu: WAAAAAAAAAAAH! (rushes out of the lounge, tears streaming from his eyes)   
Ines: You're mean, Evang.  
Evang: Am I?  
Ines: Yes.  
Evang: Really?  
Ines: Yes, you're mean.  
Evang: Am I really?  
Ines: Yes, you are.  
Evang: It can't be helped.  
[Evang turns to look for a glass so he can join Ines, when suddenly BOS chimes in.]  
Evang: Nani?  
BOS: Receiving audio stream from hammerspace. Standby.  
"So why did you run from me, Akito? Is there someone else?"  
"No. Well, not exactly. There's this little girl - no, I don't mean it like that. Ouch! Do you want to hear it or not?"  
"Sorry. Of course I can handle it. You might think I'm untouched by the events, but inside I have my own set of scars. You don't have to hide your darkness away from me, my prince. Those days when I was apart from you, did you think I was happy? I mourned, Akito. I mourned, and I cried, because I thought that the darkness would take me, consume me. But somehow, it never did. Something was always telling me to hold on, and never let go of you. So I refused to let go, hoping someday I'd find you again. I'm stronger now, my love; you can share your darkness with me. You're not alone anymore.  
"I... I don't know what to say. Thank you. I know I've been a fool, and I don't know how to make it up to you, all the pain I've caused-"  
"You can start by telling me about that little girl."  
"Her name is Lapis Lazuli. I escaped from the Jovian lab with her help. I was really helpless then. My sensations were confused: I couldn't be sure if what I was seeing was actually there, if I was hearing imaginary things. My body was numb, my sense of smell and taste were gone. My dreams were shattered..."  
"It's okay, Akito. I'm here."  
[The sound of soft sobbing is heard. Then..]  
"Damn. Yurika, I'm sorry I've made you cry again. I knew I shouldn't have said anything-"  
"No! Please, I need to know. I have to know."  
"Promise me you won't cry, Yurika."  
"I won't, if you won't."  
"Alright. My body was a total mess. But somehow, Lapis allowed me the use of my body again. SOmething was always missing, like a song with the last stanza unsung, but the important thing was that I could see better, hear better, and I could move normally again. Although I couldn't taste or smell anything even when she was, linked, you could say, with me, it was enough for me to escape. For both of us to escape. I couldn't leave her alone to those bastards."  
"I see. I must meet her some time. I have a lot to say to her, beginnig with my thanks.  
"That could be arranged."  
"What does she look like?"  
"She's a lot like Ruri. If you sit them side by side, with identical clothes and hairdo, you'd have a hard time telling them apart. But that's not all. Lapis can also interface with computers like Ruri, but more; she can link with humans, analyze the sensations she's receiving with her powerful little brain, and... well, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here."   
"So if we were making love right now-"  
"She'd feel it, Yurika. All of it."  
[Silence.]  
"What is it, Akito?"  
"I can't feel her. I CAN'T FEEL HER!"  
"Akito, calm down. What do you mean you can't feel her?"  
"She's not in my head. I can't find her."  
"It's probably this room, or this station. Whatever the station did to prevent you from Boson jumping might have done something. I don't know."  
[Silence again.]  
"Akito?"  
"What?"  
"Remember earlier, when I pinched you beacause I thought you were a pedophile?"  
"I don't have feelings for Lapis like that, okay? I look at myself as a guardian of sorts."  
"I wasn't referring to that. What did you say when I pinched you?"  
"What do you mean? Of course I said 'Ouch!'"  
[Silence.]  
"How is this possible? I felt it, and Lapis isn't here in my mind?"  
"Remember how you carried me down the stairs, Akito? That's not possible for a man with low body coordination or control."  
"..."  
"And you were fighting the Bartender earlier, before I arrived. You told me so."  
"So I did. Hey, where are you going?"  
"I have hypothesis I'd like to test out."  
"Eh?"  
[Silence.]  
"Okay, Akito. Can you feel my hands on your shoulders?"  
"Yes. Yes, yes. Oh!"  
"Good."  
[Silence.]  
"So, Akito, what do I taste like?"  
"...aa ...a ...Apples! No, wait, apple juice! How is this possible?"  
"Why don't we ask Ines later? Maybe she can explaimmmph!"  
"Don't say it! I wouldn't want Ines To walk in on us, especially in my condition."  
"Oh my."  
"Yes. Oh my."  
"Is that... really... ?"  
"I thought I was supposed to be the one with the hallucinations."  
"..."  
"Hmmm... your hair smells wonderful, like a box of oranges. Do you smell as good, down here?"  
"Akito, what are you doing! Stop that!"  
"Hmmm, fresh fruit. Yummy!"  
[Faint slurping sounds can be heard.]  
"Ohhh, Akitooo!"  
"So smooth. So soft. Mmmm."  
"Ohhh!"  
"Did I ever tell you, I love milk?"  
"Aaahhh!"  
[Static fills the air.]  
Evang: (dazed) Whoa.  
Ines: (stunned) Uh...  
BOS: Audio stream terminated.  
Jemu: (walking back in) That was... unexpected. Yet another reason to have another blonde scientist on board, even for a little while.  
END EPISODE 2 (boy that was long!) 


	3. The One with An Intro

SpaceBar Adventures III: The One with an Intro   
a fanfic by James Evangelista (jemu99@yahoo.com)  
  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Nadesico characters that appear in this story. Neither do I own any Evangelion characters that may take part in this work.Jemu and Evang are my characters, made for this fic.   
  
[INTRO SEQUENCE: Camera zooms from outside of solar system. Viewers can tell that it's Sol because of the number of planets and the yellow star in the middle of it all. Zoom in to Pluto, then to Jupiter, Mars, and finally Earth. As the blue planet rotates, something rectangular emerges from the Earth's other side, apparently orbiting the planet. Camera zooms in, and focuses on a glowing neon green sign: The SpaceBar. Hold for 2 seconds, then fade to black.]   
  
*******************************  
Akito: So, how did you find me?  
Yurika: Well, it's kind of weird. I don't know if you'll believe it or not.  
[The two are in bed, with Yurika lying on top of Akito. Both are bare from the waist up. A white sheet, as well as Yurika's long, blue hair cover their lower halves.]  
Akito: Of course I'll believe you.   
Yurika: It was a dream. It was dark everywhere, and I was looking for you. All of a sudden, Ruri appeared with a what seemed at the time to be her younger sister. I now know that it was probably Lapis. I walked over to her, and asked what she was doing in my dream. She told me that she was looking for you, and Lapis made contact with her to help. The red candles appeared at that point-  
Akito: Candles? (laughing) No way I would have figured out that you were that kinky, Yurika. You told me you've changed, but that much?  
Yurika: I'm not. (pinches Akito's side throught the sheet that was covering both of them. Akito winces, then grins.)  
Akito: Sorry. You were saying about candles? (tries hard not to grin, but fails)  
Yurika: (sighing) Anyway, these red candles appeared on either side of the three of us. More of them appeared, illuminating a path. We followed it, and it led to a man in red robes.   
Akito: Let me guess. Our bartender's friendly telekinetic psychopath, right?  
Yurika: Yes, now that you mentioned it, it was probably him. Anyway, he told us that our search would soon be over. I woke up then, with the videophone ringing. It was Ruri, and she told me that she knew where you were. It was at that point that I felt a strange Boson jump trace, and when I tried to look closer thoughts of you flooded my mind.  
Akito: I knew something weird had happened. I was trying to jump back to Lapis, and suddenly I found myself in the lounge. There was this other customer and the Bartender. I asked him where I was, and he told me that he'd talk to me later, as he was busy doing an inventory of his stock.  
So I waited, and you found me.  
Yurika: Didn't it seem odd to you that you could move and fight at the time?  
Akito: No. Back then I could still feel Lapis faintly, and I thought it was just the distance between us. Then the fight started. I sort of forgot about her.  
[Silence. Then Yurika gets out of the bed, making fanboys get nosebleeds or faint upon seeing her nude form. A slightly diferent reaction is seen on Akito, still on the bed.]  
Akito: What gives?  
Yurika: We can talk more about this when we get back home. I don't like the idea of SOME PEOPLE listening and possibly looking in as we speak. Come on, get dressed, Akito. We're going up. (Starts putting her underwear on)  
Akito: (muttering) I'm already up.   
Yurika: Did you say something?  
Akito: Nothing. Hand me my shirt will you?  
******************************************  
[The lounge. The bar has been fixed, all traces of a fight gone. The Bartender is talking to someone through a pop-up vidscreen, while a man in red robes is keeping Ines Fressange, blonde genius, company.]  
Jemu: Look, you're on borrowed time, so make your question fast. I've no intention of doing another episode II just because you asked for it.  
Anonymous Reader: How did Yurika travel on the Nadesico without knowing Lapis was on board?  
Jemu: Uh, well, she Boson jumped aboard. Yeah, that's it.  
[another screen pops up.]  
Anon Reader 2: How could Lapis, Yurika, and Ruri share the same dream?  
Jemu: Well, I'd say each of them dreamed of encountering the other 2, and finally meeting the man in red at the end. And who told you to butt in, eh?  
[All screens disappear suddenly. Jemu is startled, then looks around him.]  
Evang: You'd better stop talking to people who keep poking their noses in, or else our little tapestry is going to end up like Swiss cheese.  
Jemu: Thanks.  
Evang: Tapestry into Swiss cheese. That would make it a CHEESECLOTH, right? Hehehehehe.  
Ines: You said you have someone I'd be interested in meeting. Where is he?  
Jemu: It's a she, and she'll be here in a few minutes. (Opens a pop-up) Yo, you still alive in the hangar?  
Seiya: Yes.  
Shinji: Just fine.  
Jemu: Shinji, I need you up here for a few minutes. Leave the old man to his work, he should be finishing now.  
Seiya: Old man!? I'll get you for that you lousy excuse for a -  
[Jemu terminates the conversation, and the screen diappears. The turbolift doors open and Shinji Ikari walks in. He's still carying the canister, and looks inquiringly at the Bartender for an explanation.]  
Jemu: (now in his usual place behind the bar) Someone you know is coming aboard, and I would like you to welcome her.  
Evang: Here she comes now. (Gestures to the newly installed Cross Reality Transporter.)  
[The Transporter, a closed, transparent tube, suddenly fills with light. The tube dematerializes halfway, and a figure steps out from the light. The light fades, and standing in front of the transporter is one of the few female geniuses in anime.]  
Evang: (walks over to the new arrival) Dr. Akagi, welcome aboard the SpaceBar. (bows)  
Shinji: Ritsuko-san!?  
Ritsuko: (blinking) Shinji? Where are we? What's going on?  
Jemu: Why, don't you take a seat over there, Dr. Akagi. (Points to Ines' table.) Shinji, be a gentleman and escort the doctor to her seat.  
Shinji: Oh, okay. (Walks over to Ritsuko, and stops in front of her, flushing slightly.) This way please.  
Ritsuko: Thank you. (Gives a small smile.)  
[Ritsuko and Shinji are now seated at Ines' table. Ines eyes Ritsuko thoughtfully.]   
Ines: Hello. My name is Ines Fressange, physicist, psychologist, and time-space jumper. These kind men (geturing to Evang and Jemu) promised me some intlelligent conversation, but I must say you're quite a surprise.  
Ritsuko: I'm Ritsuko Akagi, physicist, computer designer, chemist, biologist, genetics expert. I'd say that it's my pleasure meeting you, but that might be interpreted as something else by some people. (Gestures to Evang and Jemu).  
[Both blonde scientists meet the other's eye, and suddenly a smile appears on both of their lips. Shinji, noticing a change in the air or something, decides to sweat a little.]  
Jemu: Why do I get the feeling that there's going to be a lot of technobabble about to be spilled across the floor?  
Evang: Something wicked this way comes. (Vanishes from sight.)  
Jemu: Huh? Where'd he go?  
[The hammerspace trapdoor decides then to make an appearance. It announced its entry with the usual BANG! and Akito climbs out, carrying Yurika in his arms. He's humming the chorus of "You Get To Burning" as he does so. He stops when he notices the people in the lounge.]  
Akito: Hello, everyone.  
Yurika: Konichiwa! (flashes a V with one hand, the other holding on to Akito)  
Jemu: It's the night cycle on the station.  
Yurika: Oh. Not that it matters anyway. (Gets down from Akito's carry.)  
Akito: Ines, I'd like to ask you- Hey who's that? Your cousin?  
Ines: (faces Ritsuko, who returns her smile) No, this is Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, a friend of Shinji.  
Ritsuko, this is Akito Tenkawa, and that's his ditz of a wife, Yurika.  
Yurika: Hey! (starts to storm her way toward Ines but is stopped by Akito.)  
Akito: (whispering to Yurika) We need her in a good mood, if we're going to get all these weird stuff explained.  
Yurika: (whispering back) You're right.  
Akito: Anyway, Ines I'd-  
[A large vidscreen pops up. We see that Ruri is on it, as well as Lapis. The two are standing on the bridge of the Nadesico C.]  
Lapis: Akito! You had me worried sick!   
Akito: Sorry about that, Lapis. I was supposed to get back to you, but I got wayLAID.  
[Everybody on the station grins. The little electronic fairy just looks askance.]  
Yurika: (whispering) Is that Lapis beside Ruri?  
Akito: (whispers back) Yes, that's her.  
Yurika: The resemblance is... striking, to say the least.  
[Meanwhile, both blondes are conversing in a low voice.]  
Ritsuko: They're not clones, are they?  
Ines: As far as I know, they're not.  
Shinji: (butting in) I thought NERV had the monopoly on cloning, Dr. Akagi.  
Ritsuko: Well -  
Shinji: On second thought, I really don't want to know.  
Ritsuko: Good for you, Shinji.  
Akito: Anyway, I can't leave yet, Lapis. There are still some matters that need to be resolved, some questions left unanswered.  
Ruri: I thought Yurika had just been in the sack with you?  
Akito: (shocked) Uh...  
Yurika: (flushing slightly) Ruri, what made you think that?  
Ruri: Do you really want to know?  
Readers: YES, WE WANT TO KNOW!  
Ruri: Never mind.  
Lapis: Akito, why can't I feel you anymore?  
Akito: That's what were trying to establish.  
Jemu: That's why I had some people from NERV come over. (Indicates Shinji and Ritsuko.) Right now, Ines is talking with Dr. Akagi. Would you like to listen in?  
Lapis & Ruri: Yes please.  
Lapis: Why can't I feel you anymore Akito?  
Jemu: It's probably due to the high level of authoring particles in the air inside the SpaceBar. Doctors? Your thoughts?  
Ines: YOur ChronoGap cloud which prevented Akito from Boson jumping away, was it energy-based or particle-based?  
Jemu: Mostly energy, why?  
Ines: I find it hard to connect high energy clouds and sudden sensory-synaptic realignment.  
Ritsuko: I, on the other hand, think it's more than this 'cloud' you people are talking of. What is Bosun jumping, anyway?  
Ines: Well, simply put, Boson jumping is traveling instantaneously to any given set of coordinates of space-time.   
Ritsuko: Like Teleportation?  
Ines: Not exactly. Boson jumpers can travel along the flow of time, sometimes reappearing about 20 or so years into the future.  
Ritsuko: (doubtful) I see. I suppose it shouldn't be too hard for me to believe, considering the things I've dealt with. What's this thing about Akito and Lapis?  
Akito: I suffered some sort of sensation blocking when the Jovians experimented on me. They cut off, so to speak, my sense of smell and taste and impaired my tactile faculties to "eliminate possible distractions" and enhance my performance as a Boson jump computer. I was able to escape because of Lapis.  
Ritsuko: So she became your nose, and skin.  
Lapis: Well, not really. I could taste what he was eating, and I told him what I was tasting.  
Ritsuko: So he can't really taste anything, you just told him what he was supoosed to be tasting:  
Lapis: There is no just about it, Doctor.  
Ritsuko: I beg your pardon. So, is that all you're concerned about, Lapis? Or are there more?  
Lapis: Well, I can't "read" his thoughts anymore, not even when I stare at him.  
Ritsuko: Telepathy?  
Ines: I think it's through Akito's and Lapis' IFS implants that information flows between them.  
Ritsuko: Huh?  
Ines: Let's see. IFS process implants a bunch of nanomachines into a human, allowing them better control over machines. Akito has his to pilot Aestivalis battle suits and vehicles. Ruri has hers to interface with the ship's computer. Lapis is special. She can interface with cybernetics, computers, and if she is to be believed, humans with IFS nanomachines as well.  
Lapis: I am telling the truth. (tears begin to well up in her golden eyes.)  
Ines: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you were lying, child. How could Akito be alive and well if you were lying?  
Ritsuko: (softly) How indeed? (in a normal voice) I can't tell much here, but I think it would help us a lot if we were in a properly equipped laboratory.  
Jemu: You'd also be able to tell how Shinji creamed me with an AT Field and Akito with a Distortion field?   
Ritsuko: So that's the source of the AT Field we detected a few days ago. (Looks at Shinji, who tries to slide under the table.) The AT Field is no big surprise; every living soul has it. I don't know what a distortion field is, though.  
Ines: It's a defensive field that uses gravity to bend incoming energy and matter attacks. It is less efficient against solid projectiles and gravity-based attacks, though.  
Ritsuko: Gravity, huh? (Looks at shinji, then at Akito.) Hmmm.  
[Silence falls, and is flat on the floor. After picking itself up and disappearing quietly, Akito speaks up.]  
Akito: So we need to go to Tokyo-3, and this NERV group will help?  
Ritsuko: We'll try. Commander Ikari is always on the lookout for... situations like these.  
Yurika: Commander Ikari? (glances at Shinji.)  
[Shinji turns away. Yurika looks to Ritsuko for an explanation.]  
Ritsuko: Shinji's father is Commander Gendo Ikari, Supreme Commander of NERV.  
Yurika: (to Shinji) Hey, there's nothing to be ashamed of, Shinji. My father is an oficial too, an Admiral. Your father can't be that bad.  
Shinji: Oh really? Well, you'll find out for yourselves when we get back to the Geofront.  
Akito: What exactly is NERV?  
Ritsuko: It's a highly influential agency that can help you greatly. That's all I'm saying.  
Akito: Wow, you sound just like Mr. Holy.  
Ruri: And you want the Nadesico C to take all of you back to Earth?  
Jemu: If it isn't too much to ask. Although business has never picked up like this, I think some people will want to talk some more. (Nods to the 2 doctors, and the Tenkawas and both golden-eyed girls.)  
Ruri: You're right. I'll take them aboard.  
Lapis: Is Akito coming here with us?  
Ruri: (Puts both hands on Lapis' shoulders) Yes. You want to meet Yurika as well, don't you?  
Lapis: I guess.  
[An irate Seiya pops up on another viewscreen.]  
Seiya: I'm done here. Where's the beer?  
Jemu: Were you really stressed out that much by that robot, Uri-P? Maybe you're getting along in your years.  
Seiya: You wait for me, you little -  
[Jemu deactivates Seiya's screen.]  
Evang: (materializes in front of the bar) Is it over? Is it?  
Jemu: Yes. You don't need fear your brain will freeze up trying to follow the conversation.   
Evang: Hey! That actually hurt! Du Schweinhund!  
Jemu: (grinning like a dog that just spotted an unguarded steak) Consider it payback for last episode.  
[Seiya walks in. He does not look pleased. He in fact looks like he's just seen a ghost.]  
Evang: Uri-P? What's wrong?  
Seiya: Puh-puh-purple ro-robot...  
Shinji: What! (rushes to him) What happened, please, tell me!  
Seiya: (accepting a glass filled halfway with a white liquid) It moved...  
Evang: Without a pilot? Shinji was here the entire time!  
Jemu: And how would you know that?  
Evang: I just do.   
Shinji: Well, it does that sometimes.  
[Evang and Seiya face Shinji, looking at him as if he had just said that he was actually a girl trapped within a wimpy boy's body.]  
Seiya: Son of a b-  
Jemu: Hey you! There are ladies around, in case you didn't notice? (Inclining his head toward Ritsuko.)  
Seiya: (getting a rising sun background and a huge grin across his face) Well so there are. (Makes his way toward the Doctors' table.)  
Evang: (to no one in particular) Five will get you twenty, he's going to be bombed out by the blonde.  
Shinji: We can't wager if we all agree on the outcome.  
Evang: Still have that canister, boy?  
Shinji: Yes. Here it is. (Takes it out.)  
Evang: (in a low voice) Good. Make sure your father gets it. Don't even show it to Dr. Akagi, or even your housemates. Don't even talk about it, okay?  
Shinji: (replying in the same way) What is so damn important about this canister, anyway?  
Evang: (whispering) Don't you know? It's the key to episode 4! 


	4. Another One Without an Intro

Spacebar Adventures: A Nadesico crossover with a whole bunch of other universes, including my own.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters within this story, with the exception of Jemu, Evang, and BOS (Brain of SpaceBar). I repeat I don't own them other characters, so don't sue me, 'kay?  
  
NOTE: Best viewed with a text editor with Word Wrap on. Otherwise, you'd end up scrolling left to right as you read.  
  
EPISODE FOUR: ANOTHER ONE WITHOUT AN INTRO.  
  
The distance from the moon to the earth isn't that huge. 20th century spacecraft, or I should say space-capable craft can reach it in less time than it takes for some web pages to update, which is saying a lot. The distance that military and communication satellites fly above the Earth is less still. And somewhere between these distances, the elongated form of the SpaceBar, the bar in every conceivable universe, floats peacefully.  
  
Evang: You think I'm brainless?! Take this! (Takes a deep breath, and shouts.) MIND BLAST!  
Jemu: EEP! (ducks behind the bar, letting the bottles take the blast)  
Akito: Hey! Friendly fire! (dives for cover, pulling his wife with him)  
Shinji: AT FIELD!   
  
The air around Shinji Ikari ripples as his soul barrier manifests, protecting him, Seiya, Ines, and Ritsuko. The shards slam into the field, and are disintegrated.  
  
Ines: Interesting. It appears that Mr. Ikari is able to project this 'AT field' of his in an instant, with little or no preparation whatsoever. Your comments, Dr. Akagi.  
Ritusko: I'd like to run a few tests on him myself. Or maybe we should bottle the air inside this station, try to mass produce it, and unleash it on the world.  
Seiya: Are you insane? If this is any indication, it will be the end of the world if everybody on the planet was like this! Think of the Impact this would produce!  
Ritsuko: (in a casual tone of voice) By my reckoning, it would either be the Third or the Fourth.  
Ines: Huh?  
Ritsuko: Sorry. Facing down apocalyptic catastrophes on a weekly basis will make you sound jaded.  
Ines: Shinji doesn't sound jaded.  
Ritusko: Give him time. He'll grow into it.  
  
Meanwhile the friendly neigborhood psychotic psychic is still fuming and raging at his business partner.  
  
Evang: You dare mock me! (A blue aura forms around him, reminiscent of water tossed about by a storm.)  
Jemu: Don't force me to do this, buddy. (A green aura, this one just outlining the Bartender's body like faerie fire, manifests.)  
Yurika: (from behind a table which her husband kindly upended for them) Why do you two have to fight? You're friends, right?  
Evang: Friends? He is my clone! When I am active, he should be passive!  
Jemu: I was never a clone! And you are mad, if you think I should bow to your will whenever you say so!  
Evang: AAAAAAAARRGGHH! (Charges forward, his aura flaring up.)  
Jemu: Chain Strike!  
  
Sickly-green chains erupt from the Bartender's aura, and like snakes they struck through the red-robed psychic's field. The glow around Evang vanished. The chains fastened themselves onto his wrists and ankles and spread-eagled him, and Evang howled. In pain or rage, their audience couldn't tell.  
  
Jemu: SKULL... SCORCH!!!  
  
Evang's head literally burst into flame. Green flame covered his features, making him howl again. The flames disappeared a few seconds later, and everyone watching was surprised at the fact that Evang's face was not charred. Not a burnt hair could be seen on his head. He was unconscious, now, and silence reigned once more.  
  
Jemu: (Whipering) I'm sorry.  
Shinji: Is it over? Can I let my AT Field drop now?  
Jemu: Yes, you can. I'm also letting him drop now.  
  
With that, the chains holding the unconscious psionic disappeared, dumping him to the floor. Evang moaned softly, but still was not awakened.  
  
Ritsuko: Does this happen often?  
Yurika: I hope not. They have to work together, and I don't want to think that they go through this every day.  
Jemu: Not everyday. Maybe every week.  
  
A vidscreen pops up. Ruri's concerned face appears moments later. Lapis is nowhere to be found.  
  
Ruri: We detected several energy flares inside the station is everything alright?  
Akito: We're okay, Ruri. All except for Evang, who's out cold.  
Ruri: Why? What happened?  
Ritsuko: He had a minor run-with a couple of those energy flare-ups you detected. He'll be fine in a few hours, except for a splitting headache.  
Ines: That's a nice way of looking at it.  
Ritsuko: You have another way of explaining it?  
Ines: Yes. Simply put, he and the Bartender got into a fight, and the Bartender handed his ass to him.  
Jemu: Thank you, doctor.  
Ruri: I see. (Pauses.) Seiya, is the purple robot ready for transport?  
Seiya: It won't fit into the Aestivalis hangar no matter what we do. If we could sort of move it, maybe into a fetal position...  
Shinji: But I can't pilot it right now. The entry plug has been drained of LCL.  
  
Everyone is quiet for a while as they ponder this. The communications link to the Nadesico-c winks out as they do so.Then...  
  
Akito: I have an idea.  
Ritsuko: (shaking her head) Whatever it is, if it involves moving the EVA, we have to have LCL. (To Jemu.) I don't suppose you have angelic ichor on stock?  
Jemu: No. If you had a small sample, I could replicate it -  
Shinji: But the entry plug has been drained. It's as dry as Asuka's-  
  
Everyone turns to look at Shinji, their expressions varying from disbelief to disapproval. Shinji flushes, then...  
  
Shinji: Humor. Her sense of humor. What did you think I was going to say? Bloody pereverts.  
Everybody else (including the readers): Nothing. -_^!  
Akito: But that's just it! I think I know where we can get this LCL thing of yours. Jemu, do you think you can open the hammerspace suite that we came out of?  
Jemu: I'll try. BOS, you there?  
BOS: Yes sir.  
Jemu: Locate last known hammerspce leakage on board.  
BOS: (Pauses before answering.) Cannot detect.  
Jemu: Okay, focus on last hammerspace transmission. The one in Episode Two.  
BOS: Checking. (Silence for a while. Then) Confirmed. Point of origin is at Chi 5NT3R of this room.  
Jemu: Alright, let's get cracking. (Walks to the center of the room.)  
  
Dropping on all fours, he starts feeling his way around the floor. He's starting to get worried that he might not find it and end up looking like a fool, when...  
  
Jemu: Aha! Got you! (An iron ring appears on the floor, and he tries to pull it up.) Hey, I could use some help here, gentlemen.  
Seiya: Alright boys, let's go help an old man in need.  
Jemu: I'm not old! I'm just - (Breaks off his sentence.)  
Seiya: You're how old?  
Jemu: Forget it.  
Seiya: (grinning) Okay, Shinji, Akito, on three, we tug at this ring. Ready? One... two... THREE!  
  
A resounding crash is heard as the trapdoor is thrown open. Fortunately, it missed hitting any of the men's toes.  
  
Akito: Okay! Doctor, (Turns to face Ritsuko.) you're coming with me. (Grinning lecherously.) Ever seen the inside of a hammerspace honeymoon suite before?  
Ritsuko: Well, I haven't. Is it any good?  
Akito: Come with me and you'll find out.   
  
Akito notices something weird though. His wife had gone quiet, and when he looked he saw that she was turning bright red. There was even a faint hint of a battle aura around her. Akito started to see flashbacks of his childhood.  
  
SLAP!!!  
  
Yurika: Akito no baka! How dare you try to take this, this, this woman to a place where we shared some meaningful moments together!  
Akito: (Realigning his head.) Wait, let me explain. There was no need to try and decapitate me, Yurika. There's a reason for my insistence on bringing Dr. Akagi down there, and it's not what you think it is.  
Yurika: (Still fuming.) This had better be good.  
Akito: Okay. Remember that weird refrigerator in the suite? The one that seemed empty, but where you pulled out the stuff you drank?  
Yurika: Let me guess. You want Dr. Akagi to pull out this LCL thing out of the refrigerator, have the Bartender produce as much as Shinji needs for his robot?  
Akito: (Amazed.) Wow, you figured out my plan! How did you do that?  
Yurika: Two things. One: I'm your wife. I'm supposed to be able to do feats like that, because if I couldn't, what kind of wife would that make me?  
Akito: And the second?  
Yurika: Despite what most people think, I DO HAVE a BRAIN, you know.  
Akito: Oh. (He is silent for a while, unsure of how to proceed, until Ritsuko intervened.)  
Ritsuko: So, where is this LCL source that you say exists?  
Akito: It's not really an LCL source, it's more of an anything source.  
Ritsuko: (Dryly) Could you be a little more specific? I AM a scientist, you know.  
Yurika: To operate the device, you first think of something that you wish to pull out from the depths of the refrigerator. You hold that thought in your head, as well as the amount and the container you wish it to come out in, close your eyes and reach in. You might have to feel around the space withyour eyes closed, though.  
Ritsuko: So it operates on the Need Principle?  
Yurika: Yes, you can say that.  
AKito: I take it you aren't angry at the doctor anymore and that you feel sorry for slapping me earlier, am I right?  
Yurika: Yes and no.  
Akito: what does that mean, yes and no?  
Yurika: It means yes, I'm not angry at the doctor anymore; I never was. You on the other hand, deserved that slap. One could say you had it coming.  
Akito: What!? Do tell me why you think I deserved it.  
Yurika: (In a quiet tone) You deserved that for shirking responsibility by leaving me behind, HUSBAND DEAR.  
Ritusko: You go, girl!  
Yurika: Thank you, Doctor. Shall we go see if we can obtain some LCL for Shinji's robot?  
Ritsuko: By all means. Lead the way. (The two descend the set of stairs into the suite.)  
  
Jemu: Wow, that was a doozy. Still hasn't forgiven you for that one, has she?  
Shinji: (Sagely) From the way they were behaving earlier, I'd say she's forgiven him, but not forgotten his deed. You'd best be careful, Akito, that she doesn't think of you as a coward for running off like that.  
Akito: (Snidely) And I suppose you're an expert on that subject?   
Shinji: Yep. I always knew running away wouldn't solve anything. It's just that I didn't have anything or anyone to leave behind, so why bother?  
Akito: You mean you don't even have a girlfriend, or at the least, someone who thinks she is?  
Shinji: Nope.  
Jemu: (In a stage whisper) Don't worry I have a feeling that that's about to change.  
Shinji: Did you say something?  
Jemu: Me? No, I- (Notices Evang is coming around.) Hey, help him, will ya? I have to clean up this here mess, again.  
Akito: I have a question.  
Jemu: Shoot. (Begins vacuuming the shattered glass.)  
Akito: (Taking hold of Evang's left arm) How come you didn't use those powers on Shinji and me back in episode 1?  
Shinji: (Grabbing the other arm) Yeah, why didn't you? You could have saved yourself a lot of pain.  
Jemu: (Stops vacuuming.) Well, it was a cool plot device to have you two beat up on one of the author's facets. Besides, Evang needed an excuse to make an appearance. ^^  
  
The two manage to help the still-groggy psionic into the booth where Seiya is currently sprawled face-down and Ines is keeping watch over him. Ines looks up, and spies Jemu behind the bar, mopping up the wasted liquids.  
  
Ines: Just how potent is this 'tuba' of yours?  
Jemu: Well, it's been sitting for just about four years, so I'd say it's 80% alcohol by volume. Why?  
Ines: That's the reason you told me to sip slowly, right?  
Jemu: That is correct, Doctor.   
Ines: I see nobody warned Seiya about it. He probably thought it was whisky, or something.  
Jemu: Oh, dear. He's not going to be to happy when he wakes up.  
  
The sound of female voices in conversation floats up from the stairs. Moments later, Yurika and Ritsuko climb out of the hole, Ritsuko with a thermos of something in her hands.  
  
Jemu: So did you get some... LCL, I mean?   
Yurika: (Glaring at him) Yes, we did. (Turns to her companion) Give it to him, 'Ko.  
Ritsuko: Here. (Walks over to the bar and hands the thermos to the Bartender.)  
Jemu: (Opens the spout, and takes a sniff.) Holy Schmutt! What is this crap? Smells like blood, it does.  
Evang: Of course it does, you doof. What did you think it was, iron-enriched liquid oxygen?  
Jemu: No one's asking you!   
Shinji: Can we get on to reproducing the stuff, please?  
Jemu: Sorry. I'll get right to it. (Busies himself with a device that looks like a cross between an electrolysis setup and a blender.) This won't take long.  
  
Meanwhile, Evang seems to have recovered his strength. He gets up from the booth and makes his way toward the stairs in the center of the room. Nobody stops him and he goes down.  
  
Akito: I wonder what's he going to do down there.  
Shinji: It's probably best if we leave him alone to it.  
  
Muffled curses can soon be heard, as well as some grunting. Halting footsteps slowly make their way to the top, every to steps or so interrupted by mutterings. Soon, Evang comes up to the surface, hauling the Telepathic/Empathic Hammerspace Refrigerator/Safety Deposit Box.  
  
Everyone who noticed: ...  
  
Evang suddenly realizes that he does have telekinesis, and sets the damn heavy thing on the floor. Using his considerable mind powers, he floats the DHT (damn heavy thing) to a spot across the bar on the other side of the room, and closes the hammerspace trapdoor as well.  
  
BOS: Molecular analysis and reproduction completed.  
Jemu: Thank you, BOS. Proceed with mass production, and channel the product directly into Evangelion-01's entry plug.  
Ritsuko: You have the EVA plugged and monitored?   
Jemu: No, but BOS is about to do just that. Right, BOS?  
BOS: Primary linkup completed. Exchanging control protocol packets now.  
Evang: You hear that, Shinji? Soon you'll be back home.  
Shinji: Are you so eager to get rid of us?  
Evang: I'll admit, you guys are some of the best customers that we've had, but we really shouldn't keep Akito's treatment waiting. No telling when this "healing air" is going to run out, and stuff like that.  
Shinji: And this HazMat canister you put in my safekeeping hasn't been much use as a plot device, right?  
Evang: (Surprised) You still have it?  
Shinji: Of course. If I remember correctly, you said that it was the key to episode 4. Well, guess what? It IS episode 4, and it still hasn't done anything.  
Evang: Worry not, young friend. All will come to fruition, soon.  
BOS: LCL injection completed. Pilot Ikari, please proceed to hangar and prepare to board.  
Shinji: Well, I guess this is goodbye. (Holds out his hand to Evang.)  
Evang: No, this isn't. It's more like hasta la vista, until we see each other again. Take care, everybody.  
Jemu: Captain Hoshino, the passengers are ready to board. The EVA unit will be ready to move as well.  
Ruri: Good. That means we can go, after we've picked everybody up?  
Jemu: So eager to leave, Captain?  
Ruri: Well, I haven't done anything except pop up in vidscreens the past few episodes.  
Jemu: I don't hear Lapis complaining, and she did far less than you. What do you suppose that means?  
  
A few minutes later, the visitors were gone from the main lounge of the SpaceBar. Seiya posed a bit of a problem, though. The gravity had to be turned down to one-third Terran to make dragging his carcass, still suffering the effects of rapid 'tuba' ingestion, to the waiting starship. As the two not-quite-self-inserts watch the ship pull away and head for Earth...  
  
Evang: Are you still bent on trying to turn Shinji Ikari into Shinji "Mega Playboy" Ikari?  
Jemu: He can't turn into a playboy, mega or otherwise. Too few women in the series that are in his age bracket.  
Evang: But that's what a playboy is, right? No matter what the age, if it's a woman he'll go after it.  
Jemu: What you're describing is either a pedophile or a gigolo. I'm not turning Ikari into either one.  
Evang: So what are your plans?  
Jemu: Maybe a little un-puppy love in the workplace. Or school. Or something. You'll find out on the next episode.  
Evang: Could we have an opening song next time?  
Jemu: We'll see.  
  
COMING UP: Episode 5/ The Cure and the Canister 


	5. Hear Ye, Hear Ye! Ruri Speaks!

SpaceBar Adventures 5   
By James Evangelista  
  
If this looks ugly on your monitor, try opening it with a text editor and activate word wrapping. It'll help, trust me.  
  
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Ruri: Finally, after beating around the bush for four episodes, the author has at last gotten around to sending the Nadesico-C toTokyo-3, where rumor has it that something might be done to restore Akito to normal. Thanks to some rather vague details about my ship's dimensions, we were able to fit a 40-meter purple robot into the Aesti hangar. We made the acquaintance of a blonde, chain-smoking scientist who seemed to be getting along surprisingly well with Ines, and also of the purple robot's brown-haired, impulsive, gynophobic pilot. Lapis says that she thinks the new pilot is cute, and I find myself agreeing with her. Oh well, I guess we're both idiots.  
*************************  
INSERT OPENING THEME AND MOVIE HERE: Burning Angel's Thesis. What, you mean there isn't--? Okay, just take the Nadesico opening video and have Cruel Angel's Thesis play in the background. Sheesh.  
*************************  
DISCLAIMER: I own none of the characters here, except for Jemu, Evang and BOS (Brain Of Spacebar). Xebec would probably fire a Gravity Blast at me if I claimed the MBN characters as my own, while Gainax would drop an N2 mine on my house if I try to do the same with the NGE people involved in this work. So please, lower your fields and power down your weapons. Also, the lyrics that appear in this work are not mine. They are owned by whoever it is that owns Nadesico, Evangelion, and Mazinger Z. Nobody owns Harrison Pot-maker and Mage Trackers, right?  
  
THE SCENE: A snack bar/ video arcade, with very garish lighting. Noticeable are the titles on the game machines: Alley Warrior EX V, Innocent Gear XXX, Tekuno-Manza, Dead or Undead 3, Cupcom vs. SNM 2, Queen of Warriors 2001, to name a few. The bar boasts of a wide array of soft drinks, with such names as Croke, Pixie, Preppsie, 1-UP, and Meows Root beer.  
In short, a perfect place to lure in teenagers and young adults and relieve them of their extra (and sometimes not so extra) cash. So far, though, on this wonderful Saturday morning, it hasn't claimed any victims yet. This fact has not escaped the notice of the operator/caretaker/owner of the establishment. With a sigh, he stands up. "Might as well set up the billiard tables and get some practice," the man mutters to himself.  
Suddenly, the doors of the establishment whoosh open, admitting three youngsters. Turning toward the sound, the owner greets his first customers.  
  
???: Good morning, boys, and welcome to the Wreck Room. I'm glad to see that young people still go out and frequent arcades, in this age of on-line gaming and cable TV. But this is no ordinary arcade; it's also a snack bar. So, what can I do for you? Video games, food, and if you'd care to wait, a billiards table...  
Touji: Nah, don't bother yourself with the tables, sir. We're here for --  
Kensuke: Touji, look! Virtually On 4! And they've got 4 consoles AND the pilot card machine! I don't believe this! (Drags Touji over to said machine.)  
Shinji: Um, so do we use tokens or coins?  
???: The moneychanger is that way. (Points toward the east wall.)  
  
Shinji calls out and informs the other two stooges of this. Touji responds by pulling Kensuke away from the game machine ant toward the moneychanger. Meanwhile, Shinji turns back to the owner.  
  
Shinji: Excuse me, sir, but your voice sounds familiar. Have we met somewhere before?  
Jemu: Of course we have. Do you remember, sitting in a bar, nursing a beer, flinging the bartender to the wall with an AT Field?  
Shinji: It can't be! Jemu-san, is that really you? But, the SpaceBar, it's in orbit, right? How did--  
Jemu: (Goes into his lecturing mode.) The SpaceBar floats on a sea of hammerspace and high improbability. That's why it exists in all ani-verses, each in different forms. For example, in Akito's 'verse -- you remember him? Tall, spiky brown hair, stupid black triangle on his face? Well, in his 'verse, the SpaceBar appears to be an observation / garrison post on the edge of the Solar system. A first line of defense against invaders, as it was. In your case, the SpaceBar, or rather, the SpaceBar's recreation room, manifests as this cool joint where you can play and eat when you're not doing anything.  
Shinji: But what happens when two ani-verses come into contact with each other? Like what has been happening for the last four episodes, for example?  
Jemu: Keep reading and you'll find out.  
  
A cry interrupts their conversation.   
  
Kensuke: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGH! Alright, how about best of 9, and I change my Virtual Droid?  
Touji: Bring it on, loser. Personally, I'm glad to see the Law of SuperBot vs. Real-Type Bot applies in this game.  
Shinji: (Calling out.) And what does that law say?  
Touji: It simply states that if a smaller, faster 'Bot gets hit by the chest-mounted or shoulder-mounted weapon of a heavier-armored, larger, slower 'Bot, the chances of the smaller 'Bot surviving is pretty much close to nil.  
Kensuke: So that's why you always pick the Heavy Battle Droids in games like this.  
Touji: That, and running around too fast makes my head spin. The lightest ones I'll ever use are Heavy Scout/ Scout Hunter types. Really, light, small units have no place in this game.  
???: Care to put your money where your mouth is?  
  
As one, the four turn to look at the newcomer. Then Jemu lets a small smile alter his features. Shinji, on the other hand, could barely contain his surprise.  
  
Shinji: Tenkawa-san!  
Kensuke: Another friend of yours, Shinji?  
Touji: Hey, mister, aren't you too old to be playing games?  
Akito: Who're you calling old, boy? I'll have you know I can kick your Virtual butt even if you use the Fully Armored Raycannon Type (FART).  
Kensuke: Are you sure about that? I mean, not only is it the most powerful unit in the game, it's also a hidden character!   
Akito: I'm sure. Shinji, we'll talk later after I beat the stuffing out of your friend's Virtual Butt, what do you say?  
Shinji: That would be great. Try not to win by a really huge margin, OK? (Grins.)  
Touji: Huh. In case you haven't noticed mister, (slides into his 'cockpit') the FART isn't selectable on any of these consoles.  
Akito: You put your selector over the Thunder Lotus II, press the right pedal and left fire button while pressing start.  
Touji follows Akito's instructions.  
Touji: Gee, thanks for putting one foot into the grave, mister. Wow, the FART.  
Jemu activates a large, wall-type monitor to show the impending fight on as Akito selects his V-Droid. The wall monitor displays both of their choices.  
Kensuke: What the hey? What's an Aestivangelion?   
Shinji: A what? (Takes a closer look at the screen.)  
Touji: Hey what's this? Weapons unknown? (Starts to sweat a little.)  
  
The fight begins. It takes place in a ruins of what might have been an arena. The arena had two levels, a large pit in the middle connected to a square narrow rim by sloping ramps. Akito's Aestivangelion starts running toward Touji's FART. The three onlookers notice that Touji's V-Droid is easily twice the size of Akito's, possibly larger.  
  
Touji: Hah! Standard procedure for light mech-types: rush in, sting, circle back, repeat until enemy is dead. The counter? (Presses both fire buttons and pedals simultaneously.)Jump up, fire main guns.  
Kensuke: He's in for it.  
Shinji: Akito?  
Kensuke: Is that his name? (Not waiting for a reply.) Then, yes he is.  
Akito: (Overhearing the two.) Don't bet on it, kid.  
  
Akito presses both pedals and pushes both sticks forward. The onlookers watch amazed as the smaller robot proceeds to roll, narrowly dodging the twin laser blasts from the larger unit's shoulders. It stops rolling directly beneath the FART, which is just starting to descend from its jump.  
  
Touji: You're dead me-- hey! Where is he? Why does he still have a life bar? A 100% life bar ?!  
Akito: This move is called (takes a deep breath, then shots out) GAI... SUPER... UPPER!!! (Presses both pedals, pushes both sticks toward each other while simultaneously pressing all four buttons.)  
  
Shinji, Kensuke, and Jemu watch as the Aestivangelion leaped up, fist extended, an orange aura flaring around it, and gave the FART the mother of all flying/jumping uppercuts.  
  
Jemu: Now that's gotta hurt.  
Kensuke: It should. I think it's kind of sneaky, though, attacking the less armored parts of your opponent.  
Gai: That's not sneaky, it's called battle tactics! Every good fighter has them! And every good fighter must recognize his most powerful attacks and use it to its fullest to preserve justice and to protect the universe!  
Shinji: AAAAACK! (Falls off his stool.)  
  
The fight continues, with the FART picking itself up from its crater and firing a barrage of missiles. The Aestivangelion continued its charge toward the lumbering behemoth, missiles exploding around it.  
Touji: How do you like that, huh? Let's see what your life bar says about catching a missile swarm head on. (Short pause.) What the hell? Life bar 90%, ATF 91%, DF 99%? What are all these numbers?  
Akito: AT Field 91%, Distortion Field 99%. Maybe I shouldn't have crashed through those missiles of yours. They're bad for my shields and my life bar. Oh well.  
  
Akito's comment made the four onlookers {no, I didn't miscount, there are now four figures watching the fight} look at the life displays on the big monitor. Touji's was hanging at around 40%, while Akito's remained at 95%.  
  
Shinji: 95%? But I heard Akito say that he's down to 90%!  
Jemu: I think it's the total health of the unit plus the condition of all its shields that's being shown. Kensuke, I take it that the FART has no shields whatsoever?  
Kensuke: Yep. It relies on long range weapons and ablative armor to survive fights.   
Gai: Ablative armor? What's that?  
Kensuke: It's armor that stops a lot of damage, but peels off rather easily. As a side effect, the less armor the FART has, the faster it moves. That's why the FART has an option to jettison all of its remaining armor to become really fast.  
Gai: A robot without shields? Preposterous! No wonder it took that much damage from my Gai Super Napalm.  
Shinji: I thought the attack was called Gai Super Upper?  
Gai: Details, details. Anyway, Akito is showing good sense, using my attack because it's the most powerful. I always knew that fry-cook would turn out to be a good pilot.  
Shinji: You know him?  
Gai: Of course! We were comrades-in-arms, until the director decided that my obsession with Gekiganger was no longer funny and killed me off his show. Stupid asshole. No appreciation of classical art.  
  
The other 3 people sweatdrop. They turn their attention back as Touji cried out.  
  
Touji: SHIMATTTAAAAAAAAA!  
  
Akito jumps up, grins hugely, and gives his audience two "V" signs, one on each hand. He then proceeds to salute Touji in the same way as Gai, Jemu, Kensuke, and Shinji watch the replay. It showed the Aestivangelion diving from the sky, dodging a first laser bolt, then a second, then a third, and a fourth, weaving through the air like some big black hornet surrounded by a blue energy sheath, and crashing into a backpedaling FART, sending bits of armor everywhere. The FART slams back, into a statue in the corner of the square pit, and explodes. As its victory animation, the Aestivangelion flies up, and the camera pans to follow it, showing it enter a huge ship and the said ship flies away.  
Akito: So, light mechs are worthless, huh? (Poking a finger into Touji's side.)  
Touji: Mumble mumble secret character mumble mumble bloody cheater mumble mumble.  
Akito: Hey, don't be like that, it was just a simulation.   
  
Akito makes his way toward the bar, only to have 10 years surprised out of his life.  
  
Akito: GAI! Daigoji Gai, is that really you?  
Gai: Yes it is, old friend. Sit down, we have a lot of talking to do. But first, you must introduce me to these people.  
Akito: Yes, we do. Anyway, this is Jemu, owner of this establishment. (Jemu extends his hand, and Gai shakes it.) This guy who fell on the floor when you popped in so suddenly is Ikari Shinji, and his friends... (Looks to Shinji for an intro.)  
Shinji: This is Kensuke, and the big lug who Akito just whipped and is coming over here is Touji.  
Jemu: Hey, since we're all here, why don't I throw a party? TO celebrate my first customers, or something.  
Akito: That would be cool.  
Jemu: Right-o. Stay here while I whip something up from the kitchen.  
Akito: Need any help?  
Jemu: Nah. You and Gai and the others have that talk you promised earlier. Be back in a flash. (Disappears into a doorway that wasn't there before.)  
Akito: Gai, you're alive! I don't believe it!  
Shiratori: He's not the only one that isn't already pushing up daisies.  
Akito: SHIRATORI! You too?  
Shinji: Let me guess, another actor that got kicked off the set?  
Kensuke: Probably another Gekiganger buff?  
Touji: (Still feeling bad from his loss.) What is this Gekiganger shit, anyway?  
Gai: (Gasps, then rises angrily to his feet.) HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF GEKIGANGER THAT WAY!  
Akito: (Stands up as well, pointing at Touji.) HEATHEN! BARBARIAN!   
Shiratori: (Gathering Gai and Akito behind him.) IGNORANT LITTLE BRAT! DEFAMING THE ALL-POWERFUL ASS-KICKING TRINITY! BELITTLING THE POWER OF ONE THAT IS THREE! IN FRONT OF HIS OWN STAUNCH BELIEVERS NO LESS! PREPARE TO SUFFER!   
  
The three boys' jaws drop to the floor at this display of behavior from the three men.  
  
Akito: THIS BRIGHT BLUE PLANET!(Strikes an old-school sentai pose.)  
Gai: THIS LIFE GIVING SPHERE!(Strikes an old-school sentai pose.)  
Shiratori: WE'LL PROTECT IT!(Strikes an old-school sentai pose.)  
  
The three boys join their jaws on the floor.  
  
Jemu: Hey, what's this racket all about? (Notices the three still in their silly posturing and three sweatdrops appear on the back of his head. Then he notices the Tokyo-3 kids on the floor, unconscious.) My God, you three (glaring at the Gekiganger nuts) are evil. Look at what you've done the poor children: you've knocked them out senseless!  
Shiratori: We are not evil! We are Defenders of Justice!  
Gai: And of this beautiful planet Earth!  
Akito: That's why we cannot be evil!  
Jemu: Right. Whatever. You, Cook of Justice, help me in the kitchen. The rest of you, wake the kids. I don't like anybody sleeping on my dining table. Is that clear?  
  
Without waiting for an answer, Jemu disappears back into the mysterious doorway, Akito trailing after him. Gai and Shiratori try their best to rouse the boys and help them onto the stools, explaining that being guests does not mean one could sleep on the floor before food was served. At the mention of food, the boys recovered immediately.  
  
Gai: Ah, the one thing sure to return a teenager to his normal energetic self.  
Shiratori: What? Food?  
Gai: That's one of those things.  
Shiratori: I thought you said 'the One Thing'?  
Gai: Details, details. And what's with the 'One Thing' business? You make it sound like an ancient artifact capable of giving a man enormous power and corrupting his soul in the process?  
  
Everybody, except Gai, groans at this totally unasked-for reference to a literary masterpiece.  
  
Shiratori: Watch it, Daigoji, before the director of this gig decides that you're to annoying to keep around.  
Gai: (Sarcastic)Gosh. I didn't know you cared, my Jovian friend.  
Shiratori: I don't. But if the director orders his crew to get rid of the Gekiganger nut, they might throw me out as well. Guilt by association, you know.  
Gai: Why you stinking son of a lizard--! (Leaps for Shiratori's throat.)  
  
The two are engaged in an earnest fisticuff, with the three teenagers cheering them on, when Akito and Jemu return with platters of food and some glasses.  
  
Touji: Yeah, go get him! Punch his lights out!  
Shinji: Who are you cheering for?  
Kensuke: The tall one that looks like he just stepped out from some old anime series. You know, one where Earth's only defense against high-tech alien invaders is a team of psychologically challenged individuals and a giant humanoid robot of unknown devastating potential.  
Shinji: Help! I'm living in an old super robot series! AARRGGHH! (Holds his head in both hands and wails like there's no tomorrow.) I.... AM..... DOOMED!!!!!  
  
Taking an assessing glance at the situation, Jemu takes the only possible course of action.  
  
Jemu: Akito, there's only one way out of this unforeseen development.  
Akito: I know. But we have to do it.  
Jemu: Right.  
Akito and Jemu: CHOW TIME! COME AND GET IT!  
  
This of course had the expected result of ending an entertaining slugfest and starting a standard pig-out fest. They were methodically destroying the heaps of food on the platter when an owl swooped in.  
  
Jemu: The hell?  
Akito: What's an owl doing here?  
Shinji: An owl? In Tokyo-3?  
  
The owl flew in a circle over their heads and dropped what appeared to be an envelope on the bar table. It then flew out of the door, never to be seen again.  
  
Shiratori: Look, an envelope.  
Touji: I wonder who it's for. Let's see. Hey it's for someone named Jemu.  
Jemu: For me? (Takes envelope.) I wonder who it's from.  
Gai: Why, don't you have a girlfriend?  
Jemu: No comment. (Blushing.)  
Shinji: How about a boyfriend?  
Jemu: Do you want to be remembered as "Died due to stab wounds inflicted by breadsticks"?  
Kensuke: Well, open the damn thing so we can go back to eating.  
Jemu tears the envelope open. It is empty.  
Akito: Nothing?  
Then a loud, thundering voice shakes the room.  
???: WHAT THE DEVIL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? THE STORY IS NOT MOVING FORWARD, NOT EVEN BACKWARD! IT'S GOING NOWHERE! STICK TO THE PLOT, GADDEMET! BLOODY STUPID PERVERTED WRITER WANNA-BE WITH NO SOCIAL LIFE!  
  
The envelope disintegrates in Jemu's hand, and all is normal once more.  
  
Shinji: Wow.  
Kensuke: You can say that again.  
Shinji: Wow.  
Touji: That was freaky, dude. It's like in that movie about some young mage --  
Shiratori: Harrison Pot-maker?  
Akito: You know that movie? You've seen it?  
Gai: Seen it? Ha! We were in it. At least our voices were. I provided the voice for the talking witches' hat.  
Shiratori: And I got cast as the stupid, pedophile ogre they killed in the girl's bathroom.  
Touji: Like I was saying, it was that scene in the common dining room.  
Kensuke: Yeah, they were all eating and the owls started swooping in from the roof.  
Shinji: One of them dropped something to a guy, and it screamed the guy's pimples off of his face.  
Jemu says nothing, still staring at something far, far away.  
Akito: Jemu? What the heck, he's in shock!  
Jemu: No. Not anymore, at least. Sorry about that.   
Shinji: What was that about, anyway?  
Jemu: Let's eat while I tell you, how does that sound?  
Gai: Sounds like a plan. A true hero never neglects to take care of his health.  
Shiratori: A true hero never knows if each meal is to be his last.  
  
They resume eating, and Jemu narrates his plight.  
  
Jemu: That was just a friendly wake-up call from my editor.  
Gai: Is he firing all of us?  
Jemu: No, but if I don't get this thing into shape, I'm the one that's gonna get canned.  
Shiratori: We don't want you to suffer that. I know how it feels to be out of a job.  
Gai: Yeah, you turn into a seiyuu for talking magical hats. Cripes.  
Shinji: What's this storyline the message was talking about?  
Akito: Yeah, how does it relate to us?  
Jemu: Funny you two should ask. It is two arcs brought together by the Nadesico-C's presence in Tokyo-3. The Nadesico crew are here to get Akito fixed up, back to his normal, cheery self. Shinji has to deal with a vengeance oath or something.  
Shinji: I don't know anything that I have to avenge! (Turns to his friends.) Do I have something to get revenge for?  
Kensuke: No. I don't know anyone you should hold a grudge against.  
Touji: He's right. If someone caused you problems, you usually run away.  
Gai: Kind of like cook-boy here, when I first knew him.  
Shiratori: Tenkawa, running away? Is this the same Tenkawa that crippled Daimajin? Preposterous.  
Akito: We're getting off track here. And that joke is getting to be really old.  
Shinji: Yeah, like 4 episodes old.  
Jemu: Okay. Here's how we'll address both story arcs. We'll start by grilling Akito.  
Akito: Why me? Why not him?  
Jemu: Because you come first alphabetically. Now, then, (looks around, making sure everybody was listening) how did the operation go?  
Akito: Perfectly. I feel no lingering pain as side effects. And I can now say your cooking is passable for someone who is not as trained as me.  
Jemu: Thank you. It's probably nothing, since nobody could mess up instant yakisoba and hardboiled eggs.  
Akito: I happen to know three women who could.  
Shinji: Your wife being one.  
Gai: Wife! You're married!  
Shiratori: Let me guess. It was that pretty blue-haired girl-captain, eh?  
Akito: Right.  
Kensuke: So who are the other two?  
Akito: Well, Ruri --  
Gai: That little kid with white hair and yellow eyes? She probably spends too much time on the bridge with the Captain if she cooks as well as she does.  
Akito: I happen to agree with that theory. And then there's Lapis Lazuli.  
Shiratori: She sounds new. Who is she?  
Akito: She's this little girl we worked with when the show was over and the producers decided to make a movie afterwards.  
Gai: They made a movie after they killed me off? This is UNFAIR! (Breaks into sobs.)  
Shiratori: I agree! This is the height of INJUSTICE! (Closes his eyes, clenches a fist, tears streaming down his face.)  
Touji: You have some weird friends, if you don't mind my saying so, Akito-san.  
Akito: I think it's the strain of being fired. They say they've gotten over it, but deep inside, they still hurt.  
Kensuke: I don't want to sound morbid, but what exactly did you undergo? Are you a cyborg now, or something?  
Akito: Cyborg?  
Kensuke: You know, a human with machines implanted into him.  
Akito: (Chuckling.) I'm as much of a cyborg as Gai is. Or my wife, for that matter.  
  
Yurika sneezed.  
  
Ruri: (Looks up from her laptop.)Nee-san, daijobu?  
Yurika: Hai. Somebody must be talking about me.  
Ruri: Maybe it's Akito.  
Yurika: Maybe. I wonder where he is right now.  
Lapis: (Entering the room carrying three water bottles.) Maybe he's in a bar with a bunch of guys with mental ages of 15 or so, eating and drinking and telling his new friends about some of your hot dates.  
  
EVERYBODY IN THE WRECK ROOM SNEEZES.  
  
Ruri and Yurika turn to stare at Lapis.  
Lapis: Oh, don't mind what I said. It's just little-girl talk.  
Ruri and Yurika stare at each other, and nod.  
Yurika: Get her! (Brandishing her plastic bottle like some sort of throwing weapon.)  
Ruri: That's my line you just stole, you second-rate, trying hard, not-so-clone! (Gets up and runs toward Lapis, wielding her laptop like an axe.)  
Lapis Lazuli is one smart girl. Of course she ran.  
  
Meanwhile, back at the Wreck Room.  
  
Kensuke: Wow. You and Gai and your wife are cyborgs? Cool.  
Touji: No, idiot. He was speaking figuratively. He really means that they're not cyborgs.  
Kensuke: So why not just say it that way?  
Touji: They're adults. Go figure.  
Akito: Hey, I'm trying to tell a story here!  
Shinji: You were about to detail the operation.  
Akito: Yes. Time to remove this, then. (Peels off the black triangle form his role as Otika, Badass Former Cook and Optimist.)  
Shiratori: It's not polite to ask, but what was that thing?  
Akito: It was a device to help me correct my vision, as I was subjected to some nasty experiments in the movie. I lost my senses of taste and smell due to those experiments as well.  
Gai: What kind of cruel, diabolical mind would construct and execute such experiments?  
Akito: The kind of idiot scientists that we defeated at the end of the movie.  
Gai: I hope you gave them hell.  
Akito: That I did.  
Shinji: So the operation restored those senses to you?  
Akito: Yup. All that remains of those horrid experiments are a few nightmares. But that's okay, at least when I do end up screaming in the middle of the night, I have someone close to tell me "It's all right, it's just another bad dream."  
Jemu: I'm curious. What exactly did they do to you at NERV HQ?  
Akito: Is this the part where the technobabble begins?  
Jemu: Yes, it's right here in the script. (Produces several sheets of paper and makes everyone look at the 'Insert technobabble here' part.)  
Shinji: And I'd also like to know what was in the canister I had brought back to Earth.  
Gai: Probably an embryonic alien life-form which would soon grow into a world-destroying, unstoppable beast. They always start out that way.  
Shinji: (Turns pale.) Help! I'm living in an anime show! AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!  
Kensuke: Touji, help him!  
Touji: Okay. (Whaps Shinji on the head.)  
Akito: Thanks for quieting him down. To answer both questions, the canister contained stem cells which Doctors Akagi, Fresange, and Ikari morphed into the proper types to try and "fill in" the "holes" in my nervous system.  
Kensuke: Cellular regeneration?  
Akito: First time I heard of it too. We don't mess around with cells that much from where I come from.  
Jemu: I see. And then?  
Akito: At first, they were puzzled because I still couldn't receive taste and smell sensations, and my tactile perceptions were also shot. Then Dr. Ikari consulted me, asking if I wanted to proceed and if I did, they would try out a series of untested, unorthodox methods.  
Shinji: Sounds like NERV handiwork, alright.  
Akito: Anyway, they put me in this cockpit of sorts, and Dr. Akagi said it was a Simulation Body chamber.  
Touji: A what?  
Kensuke: It's like a training or diagnostic machine. You strap yourself into it and they monitor you as you interact with a simulation of an Evangelion.  
Touji: Dude, how do you know all this stuff?  
Kensuke: (Smiling evilly, one eye glinting.) I have my sources.  
  
Meanwhile, at the Geofront...  
  
Gendo: Has the leak been found yet?  
Hyuuga: No sir. We're still trying to get past all these pop-up firewalls that I don't know how on Earth got into the system.  
Aoba: It's weird, is what it is. Like the hacker just asked the MAGI to open up, and they did so quietly.  
Fuyutsuki: Possible Angel attack? Another virus Angel?  
Maya: Negative, sir. The MAGI would have warned us of even low levels of AT emissions --  
Gendo: Unless the system was attacked in such a way that the warning mechanisms were also hit.  
Silence fell on the command bridge.  
Gendo: Get me Major Katsuragi and Doctor Akagi. Now.  
Hyuuga: Yes, sir.  
Gendo: And that other smart blonde, the one that came in with the kid wearing a triangle on his face --  
Fuyutsuki: Hardly a kid. A young man, maybe in his early twenties.  
Gendo: Get her in here as well. We'll get to the bottom of this.  
  
{Okay, that was so NGE. Now back to the lighter parts.}  
  
Kensuke: And some outside help. I'll not name them, because if too many people believed in them, they'd cease to be special.  
Shiratori: Believe in what? Ghosts?  
Kensuke: No. Pixies.  
Shiratori: Pixies. Right. Akito, you were saying?  
Akito: They were amazed to find out that while my nervous system was whole, organically speaking, the synapses still couldn't get through, like they were stepping into some manholes or something.  
Gai: So what was wrong with you? What's wrong with them, a bunch of worthless geniuses!  
Akito: Turns out I was the problem.  
Everybody else: HUH?  
Akito: I have IFS. (Pulls off his glove and shows the markings on his hand.) These little nanomachines were implanted into me and they made themselves at home with my nervous system. When the experiments wrecked me, I didn't know the nanos also got damaged or destroyed.  
Touji: And when NERV tried to heal you, they left the nanomachines behind.  
Akito: Sort of like that.  
Touji: Finally! Something the all-powerful NERV couldn't do!  
Shinji: They probably got freaked out by the nanomachine Angel that attacked once. I guess they developed a phobia of sorts.  
Akito: Unfortunately or fortunately, Ines is with them. And probably more than happy to explain about nanotechnology.  
  
The long-haired blonde paused, letting the shower spray form rivulets as the water trickled over her shoulders, down to her, large, attention-grabbing *CENSORED*, further down still flowing across her flat stomach, the indentation of her navel, to the curls guarding her *CENSORED*. She stood like that for a while, oblivious to the water, trying to decide if she was just hearing things. Shrugging, she put her attention back into getting herself clean.  
  
Kensuke: What is the IFS for, anyway?  
Akito: The robots Gai and I pilot are called Aestivalis. Some of them have IFS receptacles mounted on them, which allows us better to, um, how do you say this...  
Gai: (Standing up and striking a pose.)Become one with the instrument of victory for love, truth and justice!  
Shinji: (quietly) Synchronize.  
Akito: That's right, synchronize. It was then decided, after learning of the IFS, to reproduce the missing individual nanos. However, IFS comes in to variants, machine-interface and computer-interface. A person can only have one IFS implanted and the closest machine-IFS we had available was --  
Jemu: Your wife.  
  
Everybody else turns to look at him.  
  
Akito: How did you guess?  
Jemu: Just lucky. So there weren't any side effects of having part of Yurika mesh with you? You didn't lose your culinary powers or your pragmatism for the next 24 hours or something?  
  
"HA-CHOO! That does it, we're looking for him! Get dressed, you two, we'll be leaving the apartment for a while."  
"About time. This place is nice, but there's NOTHING to do here."  
"We should ask NERV for help. They control the city, after all."  
"How did you find that out?"  
"Well, it started when Ruri-neesan was looking over this geeky guy's shoulders and his laptop and told him he was doing it all wrong..."  
"When was this?"  
"Yesterday, when we decided to go for a walk in the park."  
"I thought I swore you to secrecy, Lapis."  
"But Akito told me one should always tell the truth."  
"I'm telling you the truth now: I'm going to kill you."  
"Mama!"  
  
Akito: No, I told you the operation was a complete success. Didn't hurt either. I was KO'd most of the time, and when I'm conscious I could see I'm floating in this orange pool of liquid oxygen or something. I knew the operation was finished when suddenly I could taste and smell blood around me, and let me tell you I really wanted out back then.  
Shiratori: I would want out too. Breathing something that smells of blood, tastes like blood? Yeeesh.  
Gai: So they put some of Yurika's IFS into you and you're whole again, you can taste blood again, you can smell blood again?  
Kensuke: Will we please STOP FIXATING ABOUT BLOOD! I'm trying to eat spaghetti here!  
Touji: LCL.  
Akito: Huh?  
Touji: You were floating in LCL. I've tried that once, and it tasted like hell. I ended up barfing afterwards.  
Akito: Really? You're a pilot like Shinji, with your own um, Evangelion?  
Touji: Was. I can't pilot anymore, not with this arm, and besides, Shinji ripped my unit to pieces.  
Shinji: It wasn't me! Touji, man, it was Rei, or at least her clone, controlling that monster! I tried to stop her but...  
  
Everybody is quiet after this outburst from Shinji, who had been sitting silently and eating. A somber mood falls over the party. Jemu decides to do something before his happy arcade develops the aura of a funeral.  
  
Jemu: So, Akito, why are you here, instead of celebrating with your wife and kiddies?  
Akito: (Realizing what Jemu is doing and plays along.) I decided to get away from it all: the endless after-operation tests, the white walls, and the bad food --  
Jemu: Whoa! (Takes a look around, seeing that everybody is listening in varying degrees to this exchange.) Bad food?   
Shinji: (Grinning.) You actually tried NERV cafeteria food?   
Kensuke: After a major surgery? Wow.  
Touji: (Nodding sagely.) Life is precious, but a second chance at it is worth even more. Don't be stupid.  
Shiratori and Gai: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh.  
Akito: Nope, not NERV food, thanks for the warning.  
Jemu: You actually ate one of your wife's dishes again?!  
Gai: Yurika is that bad a cook?  
Jemu: Her, Megumi-the comm girl, remember?-  
Shiratori: Ah, the purple-haired girl with a braid. She cooks badly?  
Akito: She does, as well as Ryoko.  
Gai: Who?  
Shiratori: A green-haired Amazon.  
Gai: Why don't I know her? I would have enjoyed to meeting her, I adore a woman with spirit.  
Shiratori: (Grinning evilly.) That's because she was a replacement pilot for you.  
Gai: (Looks upward, towards some invisible gods.) NNNOOOOOOOOOO! (Slumps to the table.)  
Akito: I didn't eat her cooking, Jemu. I may be an idiot at times, but I'm not entirely stupid.  
Jemu: Okay, I'll give you credit, but whose cooking did you try out and find inedible?  
Akito: The girls' cooking.  
Everybody else: Eh?  
Akito: (Sighing.) Lapis and Ruri's handiwork.  
Shinji: What did they prepare, greens-and-chili curry?  
  
At the mention of this, Kensuke and Touji gag and start to turn green.  
  
Akito: (Wincing.) No, it was their rendition of my Tenkawa-Style Special Noodles. But for crying out loud I don't know how a couple of super-geniuses could mess up my very precise instructions. When I served it aboard the Nadesico, everybody wanted seconds!  
Gai: Was this their first time to cook?  
Shiratori: Maybe they were nervous, then.  
Jemu: (Grinning evilly.) Maybe your wife gave a helping hand.  
  
HACHOOO!Hahchoo!Hachoo!  
Misato: Are you and your children well, Mrs. Tenkawa?  
Yurika: Sorry about that, Major.  
Ruri: I apologize as well.  
Lapis: Papa-san has probably been talking his head off about us to his drinking buddies in a bar somewhere.  
  
It's the Wreck Room crew's turn to sneeze. And man, seven people falling into fits of sneezing at the same time is a lot of HA-CHOOs.  
  
Misato: A bar, huh? Damn, it has been a while since I went a for a drink and some.  
Yurika: So, can you help us? We need a map of Tokyo-3--  
Ruri: Preferably one with where the drinking joints and such places are highlighted.  
Lapis: And some means of transportation as well. Tokyo-3 is HUGE.  
Misato: (Laughing.) I have it! The solution to your problems and mine!  
Yurika: Really? You'll give us a map and a car?  
Misato: Even better! We'll all go bar-hopping!  
Ruri: But what about your paperwork? (Glances at the pile on Misato's desk.)  
Misato: To hell with them! They'll just breed and produce more of themselves, and besides, small pile or big pile, I always feel pissed when doing paperwork, so what's the difference?  
Yurika: You're right! RETTSU GOO!  
  
Back to the Boys' Night out, AKA the Wreck Room party.  
  
Gai: Hey, Bartender how about another round of grape sodas over here?  
Jemu: (Snaps out of his reverie.) Huh? Oh. More rootbeer, coming up.  
Shiratori: Not rootbeer, grape soda! Are you feeling well?  
Jemu: Yes, I'm just preoccupied. Grapes, coming up at ya. (Turns to fill their order.)  
Shinji: Jemu-san, what's bothering you? You were pretty quiet back there.  
Jemu: The same could be said of you, you know.  
Shinji: I asked first. I get answered first.  
Jemu: Okay, if that's how you want it. I was worried that a couple of delicious looking female mercenaries, along with their blonde, tanned muscleman, albino warlock, and hentai squire would pop in anytime soon to arrest me.  
Shinji: Eh? What charges?  
Jemu: Two counts of necromancy, one count of reality alteration. And this group is mean. From what I've heard, if you don't give yourself up, they'll sic an EVA-sized monster at you that's impervious to everything.  
Akito: What's necromancy?  
Kensuke: Use of various powers to bring the dead back to life.  
Akito: Oh? (Glances at Gai and Shiratori, who were now belting out Gekiganger songs on the karaoke and thus unable to talk right now.) Your Honor, Exhibits A and B.  
Jemu: Shhhh! What if they have spies everywhere and they hear you? I'll be a goner!  
Touji: But you haven't been performing any dark rituals, right? Unless you did so in the kitchen, in which case you only have one witness.  
Jemu: I didn't do anything! Akito can swear to that!  
Akito: Yeah, I guess.  
Jemu: It's like this place is acting as a magnet for departed characters, man. At this rate, I'm expecting Ryoji Kaji to walk through those doors, order a soda and try to get a song in edgewise between those two. (Glances at the two Gekiganger buffs.)  
Shinji: I wish he would. He gives pretty good advice.  
Gai & Shiratori: Gan gan ga gan, Victory! Gan gan ga gan, tatakae! Gan gan ga gan, Victory! Gan gan ga gan, tobitate! Shori no V da, Gekiganger V!  
  
A tall figure with a ponytail enters the Wreck Room and takes note of his surroundings. He stiffens in surprise upon seeing Shinji, but recovers then heads straight for the bar.  
  
Kaji: Hello, Shinji. Fancy meeting you here.  
Shinji: ...  
Kaji: Still the silent type, huh? Bartender, a beer please.  
Jemu: Sorry, sir, we don't serve alcohol here.  
Kaji: You don't? Oh, well, a diet soda then.  
Jemu: Okay. (Hands him a can.)  
Kaji: Thanks. (Pops the lid, takes a swig, and makes his way toward the karaoke.) Is this a private party, or are you two guys afraid of a little competition?  
Gai: Afraid of competition? Ha! A true man is never afraid of any rival!  
Kaji: Then you won't mind if I do this. (Grabs the mike/selector and punches in a song.) Sora ni, sobieru kurogane no shiro...  
Shiratori: Looks like thing are starting to get interesting here.  
Jemu: Tell me what I experienced did not just happen.  
Akito: A prophet! The man is a prophet!  
Shinji: I can see it now: Necromancy 3 counts, reality alteration 3 counts, out of character LOTS of counts. Not ot mention forcing said revived people to sing.  
  
Kaji returns to the bar after his song.  
  
Jemu: Eh? Back so soon?  
Kaji: I sing a lot longer when I'm drunk. Less self-consciousness, you know.  
Shinji: I for one am glad that you're not blasted yet.  
Kaji: Oh, how's that?  
Kensuke: Yeah, why, Shinji? It would be fun to see Kaji sing, right?  
Shinji: I need him sober because I have a big problem. I need his advice.  
Touji: You invited us to go arcade-hopping this morning to forget your problems, then?  
Shinji: Yes. When Akito's supposedly dead friends came back to life, my hopes lifted.  
Akito: Smart. I would too. Get my hopes up, I mean.  
Kaji: So, Shinji, what's this problem of yours?  
  
Shinji looks around and notices his audience: Touji and Kensuke, Kaji, Akito, and Jemu. Suddenly, he doesn't feel like asking for help anymore.  
  
Shinji: Uh, it's no big deal, actually...  
Akito: Oh, come on. You were waiting for your dead friend to come back, and now he's here, you won't tell him? Jeez.  
Shinji: Well...  
Jemu: (Pulling something from the small of his back.) Hey, Shinji, remember what this is?  
  
Shinji looks at it and flinches. It's the positron pistol from one of the earlier episodes.  
  
Jemu: Now, the truth please.  
Shinji: ...  
  
Jemu flips the safety catch and a shrill whine emanates from the pistol, signalling everybody that the weapon is powered up and ready to fire.   
  
Jemu: Shinji... (Aims the pistol at him.)  
Shinji: OkayalrightI'lltellyoupleasedon'tshootIdon'twannadieyetnotbeforei'vehadsexwithsomebodyIcareaboutpleaseplease.  
Jemu: Okay. I won't shoot. (Adopting a fake Russian accent.) Now, tell all, comrade, or you get it bad. From start, yes?  
Shinji: Start? Ah, it started last night when Aya- I mean Rei showed up at Misato's apartment...  
===============  
BEGIN FLASHBACK 1  
===============  
[Knock knock knock]  
Asuka: Eh? (Glances at the clock.) 9:30 PM? Now who could that be?  
Asuka makes her way to the door and opens it. The answer to her question makes her eyebrows and voice rise.  
Asuka: YOU! What are you doing HERE, at this time of the NIGHT?  
Rei: Konnbanwa. I am here to speak with the Major.  
Misato: (From somewhere inside the house.) Asuka? Shinji? Who is that?  
Shinji: It's Rei and she says she needs to talk to you.  
Misato: (Walks into the room.) Well, don't just stand there, Asuka. Both of you get in before you freeze to death.  
  
Both girls do as instructed. Asuka is frowning, which is not unusual for her, and Rei, if she noticed it, gave no indication whatsoever. As usual.  
  
Misato: Well, Rei, to what do I owe this visit?  
Rei: (Pulls out an important-looking document from her bag.) Here. Maybe the Major would like to read it first.  
Misato: Maybe the Major would. (Takes the document and reads it silently.)  
Asuka: Well, what does Wonder Girl's letter say?  
Misato: That you're going to have to put up with another member in our household, Asuka. Effective tonight, a certain Ayanami Rei's address is now the same as a certain Katsuragi Misato's.  
Asuka: WHAT!? Wonder Girl, staying here?  
Rei: No. Living here. Starting tonight. Ikari-kun, what's wrong? You look... pale.  
=============  
END FLASHBACK 1  
=============  
Kaji: You lucky dog, Shinji! Living in the same house with three gorgeous women.  
Shinji: I don't see it as good fortune.  
Kensuke: Yeah, once the rest of the school finds out...  
Gai&Shiratori: Yume ga asu o younteiru...  
Akito: So what happened after Rei moved in with you? She and Asuka started fighting each other over you?  
Shinji: No, they didn't...  
================  
BEGIN FLASHBACK 2  
================  
Saturday dawn. Shinji didn't bother opening his eyes, his inner clock telling him that the sky was probably a beautiful mix of orange, yellows, and fading purples. What a wonderful day this was going to be, no school, so he could sleep in. Mmmmmm.   
Shinji: (thinking.) My blanket seems to be better this morning. Warmer, softer, although a bit heavier. Hmmmm. Smells like the bath when Asuka gets to it first before I do. Interesting. Mmmmhmmm. It also has two heartbeats two help me relax better. Curious.  
FREEZE.  
Shinji: (Thinking and panicked.)Two heartbeats? Smells like girls' shampoo? Soft and warm? No, it can't be... Dare I open my eyes? I must! Even though I think I know what I'll see, I must not run away!  
  
Shinji opens his eyes and sight fills his mind.   
  
Shinji: I must be hallucinating. Or I'm not really awake yet. This is a dream. Yes, that has go to be it. These couldn't possibly be Rei and Asuka wearing only their undies and smiling at me like a couple of jocks at a drunk cheerleader.  
Rei: Did you hear that, Asuka? Shinji-kun thinks he's still dreaming.  
Asuka: Then he needs a couple of wake-up kisses, is all.  
  
[INSERT HIGHLY IMPROBABLE SCENE OF ASUKA AND REI KISSING SHINJI IN BED HERE.]  
  
A couple of seconds later he opens his mouth but nothing comes out. Asuka notice this and takes advantage, clamping her mouth over Shinji's and exploring it with her tongue. Rei, not to be outdone, proceeds to trace the outline of Shinji's ear with her tongue and slip a hand underneath his shirt. Suddenly, Shinji's body decides that it can't take anymore of these wonderful sensations, and his mind agrees whole-heartedly, causing a simultaneous nosebleed and fainting.  
  
Asuka: Spoilsport. So, what do we do now, Wonder Girl?  
Rei: The only thing left to do. Go shopping.  
Asuka: Huh?   
Rei: It's simple, really. We need to blow away Shinji's mind so that he can't faint dead away while we have our wicked way with him. Apparently, my simple white cotton and your red lacies aren't up to the task. So...  
Asuka: We upgrade our arsenal, bring better weapons next time. Sounds like a plan. When do we leave?  
Rei: Right after breakfast.  
=============  
END FLASHBACK 2  
=============  
Akito: You heard their plans?  
Touji: I thought you were asleep or KO'd.  
Shinji: I don't know how I heard them. One thing's for sure: if I hadn't sneaked out of the house to collect you and Kensuke, I wouldn't be here with you guys.  
Gai: No, probably not. You would have been trapped in a roiling sea of adolescent passion, unable, unwilling perhaps, to escape..  
  
Everyone else at the bar stares at Gai.  
  
Gai: What? Everyone has the right to wax poetic once in a while, right?  
Akito: Shiratori, what has he been reading lately?  
Shiratori: If I'm not mistaken, a bunch of love-love novels.  
Kensuke: The ones with the racy sex scenes in them?  
Shiratori: I wouldn't know, I don't touch the stuff.  
Gai: Besides it's such a nice euphemism. Would you rather that I said "You would have been an unwilling participant to a raunchy teenage three-way?"  
Jemu: He's got a point. Sex is nice, but one shouldn't be crude about it. One must be subtle.  
Shinji: Trust me, there wasn't anything subtle about those two's plans.  
Kaji: I'm surprised, though. They don't seem the type to do such actions. Granted, Asuka might, but cooperate with Rei and agree to share you? And why are you two here?   
Gai: We decided that the only time worth singing is when the Author makes a songfic. Since this isn't one, ergo...  
Shinji: So can any of you tell me what I should do?  
  
This causes the adults to fall into a huddle as they try to figure out a way to help a poor beleaguered teenager. At this point, Touji and Kensuke decide to hit the video games again, realizing their friend's need for people who could give sound advice. That doesn't include them, and they know it.  
  
Kensuke: Besides, I don't think it's nice to listen to Shinji flail about his perceived problem when we're making money off of him.  
Touji: Yeah. Between those photos of yours and me selling T-shirts with his caricature on them, we should be millionaires by the time we graduate.  
Kensuke: I'm telling you, it was freaky when all those girls started asking me to take pictures of Shinji and sell it to them. And the things they're willing to offer! Cash, rare manga,...  
Touji: Dates, homework, underwear...  
Shinji: YOU BASTARDS! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIENDS!  
Kensuke: (Gasps.) Shinji! You didn't just hear that!  
Touji: He's right. You were just hallucinating as a side effect from the stress of being chased by two luscious young girls.  
Akito: That might explain it for him, but what about us?  
  
It is worth noting at this point that Shinji has turned a bright red, from both mortification and anger. He launches himself at his ex-friends with a roar, but is stopped just in time by Kaji and Gai.  
  
Kaji: No, Shinji, you musn't kill them.  
Shinji: WHY? It will make me feel better!  
Gai: You don't have time for that because you'll be listening to our words of wisdom.  
Shinji: Okay. Let's hear them.   
Akito: Being chased aboard the Nadesico by three women, I say this: let them chase you down, then make your hunters pay. The smart predator plays innocent at first, then strikes with swift ferocity.  
Kaji: Yours is not a common situation, Shinji. Normally, I'd tell you to let things happen, but seeing as how you're still in school and so are they I say: get a vasectomy or make them undergo ligations.  
Gai: That is the most unromantic thing I have ever heard! Don't listen to him, boy: those women WILL get you. It's best to prepare for the worst! Always carry condoms on your person, and consider getting sick with satyriasis.  
Shiratori: Or that little blue anti-impotence pill in commercials. What am I saying! Don't sleep with any of them until you sort your feelings out. You wouldn't want the complications.  
Jemu: Or, you could have sex with them, but with no penetration.  
Shinji: Kiseki wa okoru yo, nando demo... (Glares at Jemu.)   
Kaji, Gai, Shiratori, Akito: TAMASHII NO RUFURAN!!!!  
Jemu: I know it sounds impossible, but if you can do it, the rewards are great.  
  
Outside, on the streets, a really cramped car is seen approaching the Wreck Room. How cramped?  
  
MisatoYurika and Lapis  
(driver's seat) (passenger seat)  
Asuka, Ruri, Rei  
(back seat)  
  
Misato: (thinking) That voice... it can't be... he's dead, by my hand...  
Yurika: Hey! I thought I just heard Akito's voice! We must be getting closer!  
Lapis: Not so loud, mama-san! Onee-san, remind me never to sit on mama-san's lap again. Ever.  
Ruri: (From the back seat.) Lapis, don't sit on mama-san's lap. Trust me.  
Asuka: Look! That bar seems to be the only one in this block.  
Rei: And the singing seems to emanate from there.  
Misato: That's where we're headed, then.  
Asuka: Good. (To herself.) I don't know if I can't take anymore of this. (Looks at Ruri sitting beside her.) I thought Rei was an orphan, so who are these other two girls? Cousins from out of town?  
Ruri: (As if reading Asuka's thoughts.) Well, we're not from Tokyo-3.  
  
Inside...  
Jemu: (Going very still.) Something wicked this way comes.  
Akito: I thought the Sensing shtick was Evang's, not yours.  
Jemu: Some of it is rubbing of on me, then. I predict a major chaotic mass headed this way.  
Shinji: Angel attack?  
Jemu: Worse.  
  
Misato's car crashes through the doors of the Wreck Room, taking part of the doorway with it, causing Touji and Kensuke to leave their games and investigate. Fortunately, it has been reinforced by NERV engineers during a period of budget shortage in place of giving Misato a raise.   
  
Misato: I'll be damned. Those engineers were good for something after all.  
Rei: I detect the presence of an AT Field. It seems to come from the car.  
Misato: Holy crow. (Uses the wipers to remove the debris.) Well, look what we have here.  
Yurika: Akito's here! He's here!  
Lapis: Good thing I moved out of her lap, eh, nee-chan?  
Ruri: You're not light. Move.  
  
The car doors open and the women get out.  
  
Akito: AAAIIIIIIEEEEE! It's the Sixsome!  
Jemu: Thank goodness! I thought it was those Mage Trackers or whatever it is they call themselves.  
Kaji: No, it's Misato, Rei, Asuka and three other people I don't know.  
Gai: The blue-haired one is Captain Yurika Misumaru Tenkawa, the girl with the moon princess hair is that weird kid from my Nadesico days, Ruri Hoshino, but who's the other pale girl?  
Shiratori: Akito, is that pink-haired girl the one you were referring to as Lapis Lazuli?  
Akito: Yes, that would be her.  
Shiratori: I thought lapis lazuli was a blue mineral?  
Akito: Beats me.  
Asuka: (sweetly) Shinji! I know you're in here somewhere! Come out, come out wherever you are! (Spying Touji and Kensuke.) You two! Where is Shinji?  
Kensuke: I don't know. Do you, Touji?  
Touji: No, I don't either. What do we look like, his keepers?  
Kensuke: Yeah, I thought you two wanted that job descriptions?  
Asuka: Don't worry, we'll do more than keep him, when we get our hands on him.  
Rei: As I expected, questioning these two was an exercise in futility.  
Asuka: What do you suggest, then?  
Rei: We search the premises. Since we didn't see anyone come out before we crashed in, and we didn't run down anyone that I know of, Shinji-kun must still be inside.  
Asuka: Sound reasoning. Okay I'll take the arcade side of the place. You take the rest.  
  
The two nod and go to their assigned duties. Meanwhile...  
  
Yurika: So, this is where you've been hiding from me and the children.  
Akito: Watch it, Yurika. You're starting to sound like a nagging housewife.  
  
Yurika's face contorts with anger. A warhammer suddenly appears in her hands, and she throws it at Akito, who is too shocked to react. Not so the others, though, as they had seen this coming since Akito nade that comment about nagging. They dive to the floor, or behind the bar, or jump away as the warhammer bonks Akito on the head and knocks him out.  
  
Ruri: I think Mama-san is pissed off at Aki--, um, Papa-san.  
Lapis: (sarcastic) You think?  
Yurika: (horrified) Oh, no, what happened! What did I just do to my dear Akito!  
Jemu: (Wearing an evil grin.) Didn't you know? You pulled out one of your dishes from hammerspace and fed it to him!  
Yurika: I did? From hammerspace? (Short silence.) Hey, Mr. Bartender, you seem familiar. Have we met?  
Jemu: Well...  
Ruri: He's the Bartender from the SpaceBar, mama.  
Yurika: Of course! That explains this hammerspace stuff!  
  
Akito moans himself back to consciouseness.  
  
Lapis: Hammer-space? Probably explains this warhammer near papa's head.  
Yurika: Akito? Are you alright? How do you feel?  
Akito: Like somebody beaned me with a hammer.  
Yurika: A hammer? (Glaring at Jemu.) You said I fed him one of my dishes! You said he ate one and that's why he got knocked out! You lied to me!  
Jemu: Hey, can't you take a joke?  
Yurika: Not when my husband gets hurt! Take this!  
  
Yurika produces an Interdimensional Jerk Smacker/ Pervert Destroyer (TM) and starts swinging. Jemu screams something that sounds like "I'm too young to die, besides, I haven't gotten laid yet!" and dives behind the bar.  
  
Shinji: Ow! Watch it, dude, I'm no gym mat!  
Jemu: Sorry. Hey, what are you doing here?  
Shinji: Something I'm really good at.  
Rei: There you are, Shinji-kun. (Calls out.) Asuka, I've found him!  
Asuka: I'll be right over! (Grumbling.) Damn it! Stupid invulnerable end boss! How do you kill it? (Stands up from in front of a console and makes her way to Rei.)  
  
Kensuke: Hey, Touji, it's that ultra-cool hacker girl that I was telling you about!  
Touji: Where? Oh. A little on the thin side for me, but since you to have something in common, why don't you go and get to know her better?  
Kensuke: Uh, well, I... she's older than me, I think.  
Touji: Since when did age ever matter? Go on ahead, re-introduce yourself. I'll even screen you from her little sister.  
Kensuke: What do you know about modern dating/courtship rituals?  
Touji: I'm no longer jock material, so I started reading books. Besides, I'm wanting to try out if what I've read is true.  
Kensuke: All in the name of science, huh? Well, okay, here goes.  
  
Lapis: Onee-chan, look. It's that hacker wanna-be you helped out. He and that big guy are trying to approach us, I think. Shall we freeze them solid with our Double Albino Ice Princess Routine (TM)?  
Ruri: (Noticing Kensuke's awkwardness and Touji's prodding.) No. It's taking a lot out the one with glasses just to approach us. It would be cruel if we did our 2x AIP Routine.  
Lapis: (Amazed.) When did you learn to read people from afar? I can only do that if I'm touching or very close, while you can do it from across a room.  
Ruri: It was part of my training as a ship captain. Mama-san has that training too, you know. Why else would she marry Papa-san, despite all his faults?  
Touji: Ah, excuse me.   
Ruri: Yes?  
Touji: Could you help us? My friend here was saying that he has, I quote, "met that really cute hacker girl sitting over there", unquoute, and I told him that I would owe him a week's worth of lunch if that was true. So, do I owe him lunch for a week?  
Lapis: Yes, you do.   
Ruri: Lapis is right. He was trying to hack into some sort of secret agency mainframe and was tripping alarms all over. If I hadn't been intrigued and looked over his shoulder, he'd be gone by now.  
Kensuke: And I'm glad for that. My name is Kensuke, and I owe you big time. May I know the name of my savior? (Grins.)  
Ruri: (Smiling slightly.) I am Captain Hoshino Ruri of the Nadesico-C, but those in my debt may address me has Ruri. By the way, before she bursts, let me introduce Lapis Lazuli, my sister. (Thinking.) I can't believe how easily that little untruth slipped from my tongue. I'm starting to worry.  
Kensuke: (Shaken at the mention of Rurui's rank, but still presses on.) I'm pleased to meet you and your sister, Captain Hoshino. (Thinking.) Wow! I now know a Captain that's a hacker and a Major party animal! This is the coolest day of my life! (Aloud.) And allow me to introduce my friend, Suzuhara Touji.  
Lapis: (Giggles.)  
Touji: Eh? My name's funny? I never had that happen to me before.  
Lapis: Sorry. But the way your friend introduced you, it seemed like we're in ball gowns and you two are in suits.  
Touji: Suits? As in, like, straitjackets?  
Lapis: (Giggling again.) You're a funny guy, Suzuhara-san.  
Touji: Please. Call me Touji. You make me sound like I'm 40 and balding when you call me Suzuhara-san.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Misato: Kaji... you're alive...  
Kaji: Yeah. Amazing, isn't it? I'm surprised, myself. One moment I was staring at oblivion, the next moment I'm walking through those glass doors which you destroyed, I'm drinking spiked soda, and I'm singing old songs.  
Misato: I'm sorry. (Stares at the frosted can in front of her.)  
Kaji: The past is the past. I don't know if I'll be gone in the next few minutes or so, or maybe I can stick around for a little longer. No one knows. Enjoy the present, my few moments of back-again, that's what I'm doing. I advise you to do the same.  
Misato: Life is too short too dwell on the past, is that what you're saying?   
Kaji: Yeah. I've forgiven you, even when you shot me, because that's what anybody would do under the same circmstances. What I really think you should do is forgive yourself.  
Misato: (Smiling.) Don't worry, I have. If I hadn't, I'd be locked up in a padded room somewhere.  
Kaji: Glad to hear that. (Smiles.) So, what are you doing here, beautiful?  
Misato: A little errand of love. (Nodding her head toward Yurika who is currently fussing over Akito's bump.)  
Kaji: And the Children?  
Misato: (Grinning.) Planning a hostile takeover of some poor, confused, young man. Take a look for yourself.  
  
Kaji looks around, spotting the Three Children in a corner of the place. There's no way out for Shinji, he notes.   
  
Asuka-Shinji-Rei||(on a long seat)  
TABLE ||  
EMPTY LONG SEAT || 


	6. Finally A Decent Fight Scene

Word-wrap ON, for Best Results.  
SpaceBar VI: An action episode  
By James Evangelista  
  
DISCLAIMER: All the characters in this work, save for my self-inserts (Jemu, BOS, and Evang) are copyright of their respective owners. I don't own them so don't sue, OK? By the way, the Terra Walker and the Double G Super are my creations as well. Hopefully, no one has stolen their design or names yet.  
  
SCENE 1. The Wreck Room lounging area, where there are couches aplenty and the lighting is a relief from the flashing screens of the arcade machines. Currently inhabited by a motley collection of Evangelion characters, Nadesico characters, and a self-insert. Said characters are resting, some with their eyes closed, all enjoying the quiet and the buzz after playing a really intense game. The silence is broken, however, by a telephone ringing.  
  
Jemu: I'll get it. (Fumbles under his seat and pulls out the phone.) Wreck Room. Jemu speaking.  
Evang: Hola! This is episode 6, right?  
Jemu: Yeah, this is episode 6.  
Evang: Have the others figured out that you're a writer?  
Jemu: Some of them have. The little girls, for example.  
Evang: Keep a cell phone handy. I'll be calling you once in a while to tie up lose ends.  
Jemu: What, like you a "New primary objective" warning?  
Evang: Yup. Your first one, by the way is to check on those sex fiends at the bar.  
Jemu: But I'm scared.  
Evang: So take the others along.  
Jemu: Okay.  
Evang: And another thing: Kaji, Gai, and Tsukurou must not leave the premises. Unless they want to die, of course.  
Jemu: Hey, what do you mean by that?  
[CLICK!]  
Jemu: Hello? Damn.  
  
Jemu puts the phone down and meets the gaze of his guests.  
  
Touji: So who was that?  
Jemu: My guardian angel telling me to check on the others in the bar. Gekiganger team minus one, come with me. Ruri, don't go to the bar, okay? The sight over there is not fit for young eyes.  
Ruri: Oh, please. We've probably seen worse on the Internet.  
Jemu: Still. My conscience would beat me up if I didn't tell you that. (To Gai and Tsukurou.) Let's go.  
Lapis: So what are we going to do? Stare holes into the ceiling?  
Kensuke: Nah, that's Shinji's shtick. She's right, though. What are we going to do?  
Ruri: We'll think of something.  
  
SCENE 2. The reception area and canteen part of the Wreck Room. The tables and benches are empty, clean. The bar, however, is not. It is cluttered by two couples, currently sleeping and naked. The sight greets the three when they enter.  
  
Gai: Look at them! Drained from their efforts of expressing their love toward each other.  
Tsukurou: I'd rather not. (Turning as red as a ripe tomato.)  
Jemu: Uh, what are we supposed to do here? Wake them up, tell them to get some clothes on?  
Gai: That might be a little awkward, don't you think?  
  
Tsukurou leans over to Jemu and whispers a suggestion. Jemu's face lightens up.  
  
Jemu: Great idea, dude. Are you sure they won't kill me when they wake up and recognize my voice?  
Tsukurou: That's your task: to make sure they don't realize that it's you behind the racket.  
Gai: What are you two talking about?  
Jemu: Follow me. This ought to wake them up without any of us getting ranted on.  
  
They follow Jemu to the security room.   
  
Jemu: Where, re you, my little-- aha! Here it is. (Flicks on the public announcement system.) Gai, hand me that phone over there. Thank you. (Dials up the lounge area number.) Come on, answer it.  
  
The shrill ringing of the telephone breaks the silken silence once more.  
  
Lapis: Three sevens. (Lays three of her cards on the table, facedown. Then she reaches for the phone.) Hello?  
Jemu: Lapis, tell the others not to panic or react to whatever it is that booms out from the PA system. Whatever you're doing, continue and ignore the PA. Got that?  
Lapis: Why should we? PA systems should be listened to, right?  
Jemu: Well, in this case, it's a little practical joke we're going to play on those four who are still sleeping shamelessly naked in the bar. Just ignore the PA, okay?  
Lapis: Yeah, sure.   
Jemu: Thanks.  
[CLICK.]  
Lapis: That was Jemu. He says he's going to pull a gag using the PA and warned us not to panic.  
Touji: Hmmm. I wonder what he's got planned.  
Ruri: Whatever it is, it better wake those four up. Another seven. (Places a card facedown above Lapis' cards.)  
Kensuke: And another seven.  
Touji: The hell? You're bloody lying! (Flips Kensuke's card face-up. Sure enough it's a seven.)  
Kensuke: Hah! Eat cards, sucker. (Pushing the pile of cards toward Touji.)  
Touji: What the-- you lying, little cats... (Glares at Lapis and Ruri, who smile at him.)  
  
The PA system comes to life, with a klaxon blaring and a digitized voice informing the occupants that the structure is under attack, that the structural integrity is dropping, the shields cannot take any more, the hot water has run out and there will be no coffee or instant noodles, etc., etc. The four children burst out laughing, hugging their sides and rolling on the floor.  
  
PA system: Red alert! The enemy has deployed mechanized armor and is currently attacking the outer defenses! All pilots scramble!  
Akito: Yurika, wake up! We're under attack!  
Yurika: Huh! What-- who-- where--  
Akito: Quick get dressed--  
PA: I repeat, all pilots, scramble! This is not a drill. All military personnel proceed to battle stations.  
Akito: -- and wake those two up as well! We need to get out of here!  
Yurika: Roger that!  
  
The two dress up very quickly. But the PA system keeps on blaring.  
  
PA: Impact in 10, 9, 8...  
Yurika: Hey, you two, wake up!  
Akito: Get up! We're under attack!  
Misato: Angel Attack? Where-- Oww, my head-- Where are my clothes?  
Yurika: Somewhere around here.  
PA: AT Field detected. AT field detected. Code: blue. Repeat: Blue AT Field detected.  
Misato: Oh, no! Where are the Children?  
Kaji: Somebody shut that damn thing, my head is ringing!  
Misato: We're under attack, you moron! Get up and make yourself useful!  
Kaji: We're being attacked?  
PA: Actually, you're being woken up with a gag. Good morning to you. I would like to thank you people for providing us with a lot of material which we could sell on the 'Net and put in the "funniest video" sites out there.  
Akito: Oh my god, you had us taped?  
Misato: If that footage ever reaches NERV HQ, I'm ruined.  
Kaji: It's a good thing the world thinks me dead.  
Yurika: Even if you were caught on tape engaged in the act of procreation?  
PA: Relax. I was kidding about the 'Net part. I just wanted to show you guys the possible repercussions of having sex in a public place! In my establishment, no less!  
Akito: Jemu! Where the hell are you! I'm going to kill you for this! I nearly died of a heart attack back there!  
Kaji: Well, as morning afters, go, this is pretty unique.  
Yurika: I have a mind to ask for a naval bombardment of this joint.  
Misato: Where is this fleet of yours? China Sea? Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean?  
Yurika: Much farther; try between Mars and Jupiter.  
Jemu: Seeing as you're all dressed and awake, I now take leave of you. Again, I bid you good morning.  
  
In the security room...  
  
Tsukurou: Was that really necessary?  
Jemu: It wasn't but it sure was fun.  
Gai: You are an evil man, Jemu.  
Jemu: Yeah. But I'm no evildoer.   
Tsukurou: There's a difference.  
Jemu: Sure is. You see--  
  
Jemu is interrupted by his cell phone. He pulls it out and starts talking.  
  
Jemu: What now?  
Evang: Primary objective complete. As a reward, I'll give you more information regarding your situation.  
Jemu: I'm listening.  
Evang: You might want to make this call available to those two guys with you. It pertains to them as well.  
Jemu: (connecting a wire to the phone he's holding)Alright. Gai and Tsukurou-san can hear you now.  
Evang: Good. You might be wondering why I told you to prevent Gai and Tsukurou from leaving the premises. According to a recent, uh, information feed, leaving the premises might have a bad effect on them.  
Gai: What kind of effect?  
Evang: The energies reanimating you might lose potency as you move farther away from the Wreck Room. One moment you're jogging through the streets, the next you'll be dead again.  
Tsukurou: That's preposterous! We didn't die, we got fired?  
Evang: And I suppose Ryoji Kaji also got canned from the Evangelion cast?  
Jemu: Well, I never found out. But what the hell. I'll just write up a "Dead Characters' Apartment" or something and have them go there whenever they're not in one of my fics.  
Evang: I assume this structure will also reflect up here?  
Jemu: Yes.  
Evang: Very well. Objective change: Keep those three inside until the DCA has finished construction.  
Gai: Is this apartment free?  
Evang: Yeah, with access to a lot of goodies as well.  
Tsukurou: This will, of course , provide another jump-off point for more of your deranged writings?  
Evang: Correct. Ten points for the Jovian.  
Jemu: So I've practically accomplished my second mission. Now what?  
Evang: According to your "To-Do" list, write on the 3 Children, 2 blonde scientists, and 1 secret government agency.  
Jemu: Right. I'll be in touch.  
Evang: OK. Hasta la vista.  
  
Jemu terminates the call.  
Jemu: OK. Time for a scene shift.  
  
SCENE 3. NERV command bridge. The Commander is not present and neither is his adviser. The only people on board are the two male bridge bunnies.  
  
Hyuuga: I swear, this computer hacker is driving me nuts! I feel like I've been tracking in circles for 18 hours straight, and I'm no closer to finding him!  
Aoba: Could be a her, you know. Hacking is not monopolized by males.  
Hyuuga: Whatever. (Rubbing his eyes) My eyes feel like sandpaper. If I ever find this hacker I'm gonna--  
Aoba: Holy crap! Look at this!  
Hyuuga: What? What have you got? (Makes his way toward Aoba's station.) That appears to be a "secret" data feed channel of sorts.  
Aoba: Yeah, not uncommon, especially with MAGI and NERV, right? Let's see where this part goes. (Taps in a few commands.)  
Hyuuga: (Leaning down for a closer look.) The Commander's office? Not surprising.  
Aoba: Okay, how 'bout the other end. (Works his keyboard again.) Hmmm. Camera control protocol. Interesting. Recognize this address?  
Hyuuga: It seems to be in one of the apartment blocks. Hey, that's the block where most NERV employees are housed in!  
Aoba: Why is the Commander taping one of his people?  
Hyuuga: Who knows. Could be paranoia. But the bigger question is: who? Let's see if we can access the camera.  
Aoba: Okay. (Types in more commands.) Ah, here we go, receiving feed, now.  
  
A window appears on the screen, showing an apartment bedroom in color. There is a sleeping, short-haired, nude blonde figure on the bed. The bedside table is full of feline statuary.  
  
Aoba: Nasty, dude. It's Dr. Akagi's apartment!  
Hyuuga: In her bedroom, no less. (Moves the trackball.)  
  
The camera changes angle, just in time to catch the bathroom door open. Just in time to present the two voyeurs with a view of another blonde, this one with long hair, freshly showered from the looks of things.  
  
Aoba: Dude, it's that new scientist they brought in. You know, the one with the French-sounding name.  
Hyuuga: Damn, you're right. But what could she be doing there in Dr. Akagi's apartment?  
Aoba: I don't know. (Uses the trackball to zoom out.)  
  
The window now shows the other doctor, the one in the ridiculously short towel, making her way toward the sleeping Dr. Akagi. She reaches the bed, sits down, and leans over to whisper something to Ritsuko.  
  
Aoba: (Taps some keys.) Increasing audio pick up, now.  
Ines: Your turn in the shower, darling.  
Hyuuga: Whoa! Did you hear that? 'Darling?'  
Aoba: Shhhh. Pipe down.  
Ritsuko: (mumbling, eyes still closed) Ai, how many hours of sleep have you gotten?  
Aoba: Ai? I thought her name was Ines?  
Hyuuga: Could be a nickname. Or (smiling like a lech) a pet name.  
Ai: Five, four hours. I don't remember, and I don't care either.  
Hyuuga: Four hours? (Checks his watch.) Dude, it's just 8:30!  
Aoba: Are you saying what I think you're saying?   
  
Ritsuko's squeal makes both men look back at the monitor. They find the reason for Ritsuko's scream: Ai has pulled her hair forward and buried her face between Ritsuko's ample *CENSORED*. Two male jaws drop to the floor. Aoba recovers first.  
  
Aoba: SWWEEEEETT!  
Hyuuga: YEEEAAHH!  
Maya: Are you two perverts watching porn on the Internet again?  
A & S: YAAAARRGGHH! MAYA!!  
Maya: Well, are you? I'll have to report this, you know.  
Aoba: We didn't hear you come in.  
Maya: That was obvious. (Walks toward the two.)  
Hyuuga: Aoba! Hide the damn thing!  
Maya: Oh, no, you don't! (Increases her speed.)  
Aoba: The damn thing isn't responding! Make sure she doesn't see this!  
Maya: See what? Hey! Put me down, you oaf!  
Hyuuga: Aoba! Pull the power! I can't OOOF!  
Maya: You can't sing the bass anymore, doof. I told you to put me down.  
Hyuuga: (curled into a ball of pain on the floor) The children, the poor children.  
Maya: (ignoring him) And as for you, Shigeru... (looses a well-aimed kick at her co-worker, who was on all fours, looking for the power cable, causing him to whimper and crumple)  
Speakers: Oh, yes, Ritsuko, more, ah, ah, ahh...  
Maya: What the hell?  
Hyuuga: (in a tenor) NO! Don't look at it!  
  
Too late. Maya freezes, the sight of her mentor raining kisses on another woman's *CENSORED* rendering her oblivious to everything else.  
  
Maya: (Whimpering.) Sempai...  
Hyuuga: (still in a helium-laced voice) Oh, no, she saw it, man.  
Aoba: (in the same pitch of voice) Her world must be breaking up now.  
  
Maya does not hear them, her mind absorbing the atrocious scene of the other blonde burying her face between Ritsuko's legs and Ritsuko moaning and tossing her head from pleasure. Her hands attach themselves to the other woman's head, pushing her further down.  
  
Maya: IIEEEEEEEE!!!!  
  
With that blood-curdling scream, she sets about punishing those that had brought her this level of pain. Translation: she then starts beating the hell out of Hyuuga and Aoba for showing her this little "secret." In darkened room somewhere in the Geofront...  
  
Gendo: That ought to teach them to ignore warnings. (Smiles in his usual, Gendo way: Behind his steepled hands.)  
Fuyutsuki: If you don't mind my saying so, they're NERV hackers. Delving into secrets is what they do.  
Gendo: Indeed? Can they delve into the whereabouts of the Children?  
Fuyutsuki: Perhaps. Assuming Ms. Ibuki snaps out of her berserk stance before killing her co-workers. It would probably take the presence of Dr. Akagi to calm her down, but seeing as she is busy with Dr. Fresange...  
Gendo: I want my bridge crew alive. All of them.   
Fuyutsuki: Of course. (Steps out of the office.) Damn, I hate my job sometimes. Primary adviser to Commander Ikari of NERV? Glorified gofer for some micro-dictator describes it better.  
  
SCENE 4. The SpaceBar, where some unexpected guests are about to arrive.  
  
BOS: Incoming units.  
Evang: (Raising a command chair from the floor.) On screen, BOS. (Drops into his seat.)  
  
Four Aestivalis units, Luna Frames all, are flying in a defensive formation around a shuttle.  
  
BOS: We are being hailed by the pilot of the blue Aestivalis, sir.  
Evang: Patch it through. (A window pops up, revealing Akatsuki Nagare's face.) Hello, Mr. Chairman. To what do I owe this visit?  
Akatsuki: You know who I am? I'm impressed.  
Evang: Being the president of such a huge corporation as NERGAL does have its, perks and quirks, shall we say? One of them is being easily noticed by bored people with too much time in their hands.  
Akatsuki: (Chuckling.) Well, being tagged as a former womanizing champion will do that to you as well. Not as much advantage in it, though.  
Evang: (Smiling slightly.) True.  
Akatsuki: I am requesting permission for my crew and myself to come aboard your station. We've flown all the way from Mars, and we're -- (Breaks off his sentence.)  
Evang: Running low on supplies and fuel, eh? Don't worry. Permission granted, although I must warn you, we're a little understaffed right now. (Chuckles at his own understatement.)  
Akatsuki: That, or your station is so automated that you can probably control it all by yourself. Alright, were close enough for a tractor beam.  
Evang: The station doesn't have tractor beams, I'm afraid. But I will open the hangar closest to your direction. You'll have to land in manually.  
Akatsuki: (mumbling) Huh, pretty low-tech, aren't we?  
Evang: I heard THAT! BOS! Launch Swarm Fighters now!  
  
A hangar door opens on the surface of the SpaceBar, releasing small, unmanned interceptors in a cloud toward the approaching shuttle and its escorts.  
  
Hikaru: Maybe you should have lowered your voice back there, Akatsuki-san.  
Akatsuki: Maybe.  
Ryoko: Alright! I get to fight, and I finally get some lines!  
Izumi: Not to mention some "air time", after being stuck in the closet for so long. (Chuckles at her own pun.)  
  
Not surprisingly, no one else joins her. Hikaru sweatdrops, Ryoko sweatdrops, Akatsuki sweatdrops, heck, even their Aestis and the shuttle [not the shuttle crew, mind you] sweatdrops.  
  
Hikaru: Enemy units in weapon range!  
Ryoko: Okay! None of those interceptors gets near the shuttle, understood?  
Other 3 pilots: Hai!  
  
{Insert standard Kidou Senkan Nadesico Aestivalis space fight scene here, and replace the Battas with small fighter-type aircraft the same size as an Aestivalis outside a Luna frame.}  
  
Ryoko: That was too easy.  
Akatsuki: I've had simulations harder than that fight.  
Hikaru: Even Gekiganger could finish them with both hands tied behind his back.  
Izumi: I agree. He would have won even if he was "disarmed" in such a way. Heheheheheh...  
Ryoko: You could say that all of those fighters were really "armless".  
  
Everybody groans whole-heartedly at Ryoko's dig, but deep inside they're all happy to avoid a totally unnecessary pun war. Aboard the shuttle...  
  
Megumi: That has got to be the weirdest pile of in-combat transmissions that I have ever heard.  
Gort: Look at it this way. At least they weren't shouting out "Wired Punch!" or "Field Lancer!" every six seconds or so.  
Minato: And nobody has broken out singing again.  
Hikaru: Gan gan ga gan, Victory!  
Megumi: Looks like you spoke to soon.  
Minato: (Sigh.) So, what now?  
Akatsuki: Usually, I'd lay siege to such a station with pathetic defenses--  
Evang: If anybody is interested, I have both of my Yamato Energy Guns aimed at the shuttle. Move another meter and you can kiss your military man, your secretary, and your nurse-turned seiyuu-turned comm officer goodbye.  
Ryoko: You wouldn't dare!  
Hikaru: That's not fair!  
Izumi: They rhyme! In the midst of crisis time, they rhyme! Heeheeheeheehee!  
Evang: Do you know, I've decided to rethink my decision to offer succor after being insulted. But after you destroyed my little Swarm Fighters, I'm really reconsidering if I would want such rude guests on board.  
Ryoko: Shimata! Akatsuki, this is all your doing!  
Akatsuki: Who, me? How was I supposed to know that the station commander would be so childish?  
Hikaru: You just insulted him again!  
Izumi: (Brings out her ukulele and starts strumming.)  
  
Minato: Megumi, do something.  
Megumi: Why me? I'm just the comm officer.   
Gort: I'm no diplomat, either. But you do have better interpersonal skills than either me or Minato.  
Megumi: How can that be? Minato was a secretary, for crying out loud.  
Minato: It doesn't take much interpersonal skills on my part, I'm afraid. I could say anything to men to snap them out of staring at my chest, and they all reply as if I said "Excuse, can I help you?"  
Megumi: See? Such power! It might work here!  
Gort: Or it may not.  
Megumi: Anyway, we have nothing to lose even if we fail.  
Gort: Except our lives.  
Megumi: If you have nothing bright to say, Dr. Gloom,...  
Minato: Alright, I'll do it. (Starts to rearrange her clothing.) But on one condition.  
Megumi: Anything!  
Minato: We do it together. (Smiles sweetly at Megumi.)  
Megumi: Eh? Minato, I never thought you'd be interested in women, certainly not in me.  
  
A hush descends in the shuttle.  
  
Megumi: Oh. You mean your secretary act. Sorry about that. But I don't know what to do!  
Minato: Don't worry, just follow my lead.  
  
Meanwhile, a communication holo-screen appears in the SpaceBar.  
  
Jemu: Talk to me, dude. BOS just alerted me to Swarm Fighter launch and Yamato Reactor activation. What's going on?  
Evang: Well, it goes a little something like this. (Narrates the events to Jemu.)  
Jemu: I see it gets really exciting up there when I'm not around. Me, I'm just serving breakfast and cooling down tempers here, is all.  
Evang: Who is there, anyway?  
Ruri: Just me, Lapis, and some nice boys from Tokyo-3.  
Yurika: Me and Akito, as well. By the way, your partner is an asshole.  
Akito: Yeah, worse than that stupid Admiral who self-destructed.  
Misato: Almost like my boss, only my boss is a bigger one.  
Kaji: So big, you could slip his son in and out of it and he wouldn't notice.  
  
At this point Shinji Ikari awakens. He frowns at the unfamiliar surroundings, then his gaze falls on his naked self and the equally naked, young, nubile female bodies beside him and it all comes back to him in a rush.  
  
Shinji: No! What have I done! (Gets dressed and leaves the suite.)  
Asuka: (Groggily.) Shinji? Owww.  
Rei: He's upstairs, I think. I am... sore, as well.  
  
BOS: We are being hailed by the shuttle, Master.   
Evang: On screen. Oh, it's you, Miss Haruka. I know you're not too pleased at the situation...  
  
Predictably, his eyeballs fix themselves on Minato's bountiful, um, charms.  
  
Minato: Please, could you please not aim that BIG, POWERFUL WEAPON at little old me? (Bats her lashes.)  
Evang: Uh... (Has trouble processing this and decides to run it backward.) Well, I don't think you're old. Or little.   
Gort: (whispering to Megumi) According to what little data I could gather from him, this Evang character seems to have a certain, ah, fondness for (looks at his data screen) school girls? This guy is a pervert!  
Megumi: (whispering as well) Perfect! Thanks, Gort-san! (She stands up and heads over to the back of the shuttle, away from curious eyes. She returns dressed in a 21st century, low-cut schoolgirl outfit and goes over to where Minato is, after modulating her voice to "high school jailbait in skirt" mode.) Please, sempai, you wouldn't want to see me dead as well, would you? (Sheds a few tears to add to the effect.)  
Gort: (Raises a placard with "Acting: 9.5 - Costume: 10.00" written on it.)  
Evang: (Really having severe brain slowdown, thanks to Megumi's 'attack'.) No, Meg-chan, I... (Stares at the expanse of Megumi's flesh revealed by the opened buttons of her blouse.) I, uh...  
  
Unbeknownst to him, he is being watched even as his brain turns into primordial soup.  
  
Akatsuki: It seems to be working. (Grins salaciously.)  
Ryoko: Quiet, fool! You might break the spell!  
Hikaru: And I thought the fastest way to a man's heart was through his stomach.  
Izumi: They are feeding him... with EYE CANDY! Heeheeheeheehee!  
  
Tsukurou: Minato... (Stares open-mouthedly, starting to drool as well.) Minato...  
Yurika: What do YOU think you're looking at! (Slapping Akito back to reality.)  
Akito: OWW! What was that for?   
Lapis: Onee-chan, why does Papa have a red mark that looks like a hand on his cheek?  
Ruri: That's because he's being baka again. (Looks over to Touji and Kensuke.) Like those two.  
Lapis: Does staring make you into a baka?  
Ruri: (Sighs.) I'll explain later if you really want to know. Better yet, I'll let Omoikane explain it.  
Touji: Melons. Mmmmmmm.  
Kensuke: Watermelons. Tasty.  
Gai: (Covering the boys' eyes.) That's enough for both of you.  
Kensuke: Believe me, mister, it's more than enough for me.  
Touji: The memory of that sight will keep me warm through the winters.  
Tsukurou: Jemu! What kind of man is your partner! A lowlife scum who can only be negotiated with by playing on his basest interests! I will destroy him! (Storms toward the door.)  
Jemu: Damn! Somebody stop him!  
Yurika: Why? He deserves to get trounced by Tsukurou's Gekigan-type for being scum!  
Jemu: I wasn't referring to him! If Tsukurou steps out of the weird atmosphere of this place, we might lose him, this time for good!  
Gai: What? (Releasing his hold over the boys' eyes.) GEKIGAN... TACKLE! (Crashes into Tsukurou and pulls him to the floor.)  
Tsukurou: Gai! I thought you were my friend! Why are you doing this? Let go this instant!  
Gai: Sorry, friend, but it's for your own good. You'll die if you leave.  
Tsukurou: I don't care if I die! As long as I'm taking that evildoer with me!  
Kaji: (Walking over to the two.) From what I heard you won't even get to fight this Jemu person. You won't be able to get even close enough to yell at him.  
  
Back in space...  
  
Minato: So, please forgive our stupid idiot of an escort. Do it for me. I know you want to. I'd be very grateful if you do. (Gives Evang a wink.)  
Megumi: Sempai, if you do this little thing for me, you can ask me any favor you want.  
Evang: Uh, let me think, um, wait, ANY FAVOR?  
Megumi: (To herself.) Oh, no, what have I done? (Aloud.) Yes! I'll do whatever you say, if you let us on board.  
Evang: If I let you in, I can get my reward from you then. Okay. BOS! Open bay doors!  
BOS: They are now being opened!  
Evang: Nyehehehehehe, finally, a chance to get one over that no-good partner of mine. And I get one favor from the beautiful Ms. Reinard as well. This must be my lucky day-night cycle!  
BOS: Should I power down the Yamato Cannons, then?  
Evang: Do that. I wouldn't want to destroy Ms. Reinard and her friends by accident.  
BOS: Power to cannons has been re-routed to Improbability Turbine. Reporting 5 units in hangar 6.  
Evang: Let them in, then. I'll just go freshen up for someone aboard that shuttle.  
  
All of this, of course is being observed by the Wreck Room party. Meanwhile, somewhere in hammerspace...  
  
Shinji: One dozen steps left. I think I can push the trapdoor up if I can get to it.  
  
The stairs shake, and Shinji falls on his ass. Looking up, he sees...  
  
Shinji: What the? The trapdoor was there a while ago! Now all that's there is an endless stairwell! Son of a female dog!  
Asuka: (from a few meters down the stairs) Shinji! There you are! You naughty, naughty little boy! We still have half a bottle of those red pills Mr. Evang gave us.  
  
At this, Shinji's blood turns cold. Looking back he sees the two sex fiends he spent the last few hours with, the albino one holding said bottle of pills. The two begin to make their way up to him. Shinji goes "Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!" and starts running up the stairs.  
  
Shinji: (muttering) Mustn't let them catch me mustn't let them catch me mustn't let them catch me mustn't let them catch me...  
Asuka: Rei! Faster! He's pulling away!  
Rei: He will NOT get away. We WILL get him.  
  
Anyway, back on Tokyo-3...  
  
Jemu: Hmmm. It appears BOS has not yet closed communications. BOS? Come in, this is Jemu.  
BOS: I read you loud and clear, sir.  
Jemu: Alright, here's what we'll do. For Tsukurou-san's sake, and for a little more fun in the universe, we are going to go to the main lounge of the SpaceBar.  
Akito: I won't ask. Another hammerspace thing, then?  
Jemu: My, you're good. Do you want to be engineer on my station?  
Yurika: He'll pass, thank you.  
Jemu: You're right. He wouldn't make a good engineer after all. How about you little one? Would you like to get your hands on a spaceport of your own?  
Lapis: Really? I'll control all of it?  
Yurika: NO! No, no, no, NO!  
Lapis: But he's asking me--  
Yurika: Do you think I'll leave you alone on that tub with that pervert up there as well?  
Kensuke: You mean the other guy we were talking to is really in outer space?  
Ruri: Yes. I've been to it, docked outside, but I never actually stepped in.  
Touji: Why?  
Ruri: I still respect and value my sanity, you see.  
Jemu: I'm afraid we'll all go. You see (presses a button) I've commenced the sequence which will rematerialize the Wreck Room in the SpaceBar. And then I'll close the Wreck Room, so we will have no choice but to go to the lounge.  
Yurika: With Evang in there.  
Jemu: Unfortunately.   
Tsukurou: Aha! A chance to avenge the insult done to my beloved's person, and to Ms. Reinard's as well! Justice shall cry out this day!  
Misato: He seems to be doing a lot of that already.  
Kaji: Is he always like this?  
Gai: No, only when Minato is in the vicinity.   
Kaji: Say, Misato, don't you have work to do?  
Misato: Are you still blasted? Today's Sunday. Nobody works on Sunday. Nobody! Except maybe Cmdr. Ikari, Fuyutsuki-san, Maya, Aoba, and Hyuuga.  
Kaji: That's the entire NERV command bridge!  
Misato: Not really. I'm not there.  
Jemu: We've arrived, safe and sound.  
Tsukurou: Ha-ha! Time for--  
Jemu: Yeah, yeah, we know. Time for righteous ass-kicking because you saw my business associate was admiring your fiancee's rack. (To the others.) Everybody out! We don't want to miss the fireworks! (Proceeds to shepherd the people out of the Wreck Room.)  
  
Gort: Everybody here? (Looks around him, at the people arrayed at his left and right. Cooking squad, check; crazy pilots, check; sister of dead Jovian, clustered with cooks; henpecked military officer, check; Super Secretary, not more than one meter from her boss; temporary seductresses, back in character.) Looks like we're ready to go.  
Megumi: Um, can I stay behind in the shuttle?  
Minato: Now, now, Megumi, reneging on a promise is not good.  
Akatsuki: True. He might decide to flood the entire station with poison gas or something, and where would we be?  
Megumi: But, I--  
Erina: Oh, so we're afraid of being asked for THOSE kind of favors, are we? To get to where you want to go, to have what you most want, a woman must do everything necessary.   
Megumi: I'm not like YOU, you know. Or do you want to trade places?   
Erina: I'm not afraid of any man, unlike some people present right now.  
Ryoko: If you don't want that nut to pounce on you upon sight, I suggest you trade clothes with Yukina now.  
Hikaru: Although she does look cute in NERGAL uniform.  
Akatsuki: Thank you, I had a hand in designing those uniforms.  
Izumi: Clothes do not make the man. Or young women.  
Yukina: (mischievous grin) It's okay, I kind of like it. You can keep that Megumi-san, I have tons of that outfit.  
Gort: Let's move.  
Jun: Wait we can't go yet! I haven't had anything to say!  
Gort: Congratulations. Now move.  
  
The doors to the lounge slide open as both parties enter. Predictably, chaos ensues. What follows is not a blow-by-blow account of the events. Really, it isn't.  
  
Yurika: Hey, look! Everybody's here!  
Izumi: Mistress of understatement.  
Hikaru: Just like the old days! (Spying Tsukurou and Gai.) Look! It's Ken from Gekiganger! Two of them!  
Minato: Huh?  
Hikaru: There! (Points to a grinning Gai and a somewhat cooled-down Tsukurou.)  
Gort: Both of them, alive?  
Yukina: Onii-chan! Grab.(Grabs Minato by the arm) RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN (and rushes over, dragging the older woman behind her.)  
Tsukurou: Yukina! Minato! (Runs forward to embrace both of them.)  
Jun: Hey, isn't that Mr. Yamada beside--  
Gai: The name Yamada Jiro is just a mask - the name of my soul is DAIGOUJI GAI!  
Megumi: I don't believe it. Yama-- I mean, Daigouji Gai, alive, in person! And Tsukurou-san as well!  
Erina: What do you make of this?  
Akatsuki: I think I need a drink.  
Ryoko: (walks over to Tsukurou and punches him lightly in the arm, causing him to yelp) Yup, alive and kicking.  
Izumi: With a sore arm.  
Misato: I think we're a little out of place here. (Kaji nods, still staring at the sheer number of happy people in this room, unbelieving.)  
Akito: Nah. Just wait when the party starts. You'll blend right in.  
Kensuke: And you worked with these folks?  
Ruri: Yes. If you'd like an introduction, I could arrange that.  
Touji: Ve vould be honored, Kepten. (Salutes floppily, and so does Kensuke.)  
Lapis: (Under her breath.) Baka baka.  
  
It was at this point that the trapdoor flew open, sending Jun yelling and hurtling toward a table. His yells and his crash landing take Yukina's attention.  
  
Yukina: Excuse me, brother dear. Step step step step... stop. Lean. Jun, are you okay?  
Jun: My legs... I can't feel my legs.  
Yukina: Stare. You aren't even drunk yet.  
  
A disheveled looking Shinji Ikari leaps through the doorway with a yell that would have done a Gekiganger pilot proud. His hair is mussed, like somebody has run her hands through it, his shirt is unbuttoned halfway down his to his waist, and his pants, though buttoned and still on him, are unzipped.  
  
Shinji: (To no one in particular.) Help! They're after me! Somebody save me!  
Yurika: (Turning to see what the commotion was about.) IKARI SHINJI! Shame on you! (Claps her hands over Lapis Lazuli's eyes, who has turned to look as well.)  
Akito: Look, Shinji looks like he got laid!  
Kaji, Gai, Tsukurou: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  
Misato: Shinji! Where have you been? What have you done? Or rather, (grinning salaciously) WHO have you DONE?  
  
Akito, Gai, Kaji, and Tsukurou laugh out loud at this, although Akito and Tsukurou were cut off by elbows to the ribs from their respective better halves. It is to the sound of laughter that the First Child and Second Child make their entrance.  
  
Kaji: Your Honor, (bowing to Misato) Exhibits A (indicating Asuka) and B (gesturing to Rei). Or is it B and A?  
Misato: Hmmm. Mr. Ikari, answer the question.  
Shinji: I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, and you can't possibly prove anything.  
Asuka: Really? Shall I have forensics analyze the bed sheet below?  
Rei: ...  
Jemu: Ms. Ayanami, could I see that bottle you're holding?  
Rei: ... (gives it to Jemu)  
Jemu: (Gasps.) HL-pills!  
Akito: What?  
Jemu: Hyper Lemon pills! It's like taking Viagra and irradiating your balls at the same time! Unwanted pregnancies and sexual inexperience solved with just one product. Only $2000 per pill. Availability and legality varies per area. With BFAD permit #70506040865 series of 2002.  
  
Evang steps in, freshly washed and dressed to the nines, interrupting Jemu's infomercial.  
  
Evang: Ah, good, everybody is here! This means that the beautiful Megumi Reinard is here as well!  
Tsukurou: And she's not the only one that has arrived! So has your judgment!  
  
FLOOR PLAN--SpaceBar Main Lounge NOTE: Since it's hammerspace, expect some differences every episode.  
[DOOR 1 (from Hangar)]  
[]Hammerspace corridor Hammerspace Corr.[]  
________   
THE BAR |Table 1(NERGAL)Table 2(MegMinYu) Table 3 Table 4 Table 5 ___________________  
_____| |  
|| 6 7(Tenkawas) 8 9 10 |  
| | | Stage  
| | 11(Kids) 12(Pilots) 13 14 15 | for  
| | | Live   
|| Trapdoor | Perfomances  
|| to |  
|| Hammerspace |   
|| Suite(s?) |  
| | |  
|| 16(EVA) 17 18 19 20 |  
|| |  
| | |  
_____|| 26 27 28 29 30 |   
________| |___________________   
31 32 33 34 35  
  
[]HS corridor HS Corridor []  
[DOOR 2 (from Wreck Room)]  
  
Evang: The hell? Who are you?  
Tsukurou: Defender of truth, justice and of exploited Earth women! Take this! FIST OF JUSTICE!  
Akito: Ah, the party's started. How about some music to go with it?  
Jemu: OK, BOS. Hit it!  
  
Hidden loudspeakers blare out "Rettsu Gooo Gekigangaa 3."  
  
TABLE 2  
Minato: Tiresome, but apt.  
Megumi: I hope he kills that dirty old man.  
Yurika: (from table 7) Since when did you become so bloodthirsty, Megumi?  
Meg: Since I got propositioned on the way here.  
Yurika: I shouldn't say this, but I agree with you. Evang was disgusting back there.  
Meg: Back where?  
Akito: (another table 7 occupant) Back on Earth. Those boys (indicating table 11, where Ruri, Lapis, Touji and Kensuke sat) were drooling, as well as Tsukurou.  
Minato: (to Yukina) I do hope your idiot brother was drooling over me, and not Meg-chan.  
Yukina: Sigh. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure he was. You've spoiled him for other women, onee-san.  
  
On table 12, another serious scuffle was taking place.  
  
Ryoko: Hikaru, take the ukulele away from her, I'll try to pin her down!  
Hikaru: Alright, Izumi, no one's going to die tonight.  
Izumi: A stage for live acts! Must get on it. Must perform. Must get away from you two.  
R & H: No stinking WAY!  
Gai: (Approaching the three) Is there a problem, ladies?  
Hikaru: (Letting go of Izumi's arms) Wow! You really look like Ken from Gekiganger! Would you mind if I drew you? I'm Amano Hikaru, by the way. I'm an Aesti pilot for the Nadesico, a manga artist and I like rice crackers!  
Ryoko: Hikaru! Help me here or we'll all suffer! You can flirt or gush over him later!  
Hikaru: Oh, the screaming one is Ryoko. She's also pilot. She doesn't like Gekiganger that much, I'm afraid. The other one is Izumi. She's a pilot too.  
Gai: Does she like Gekiganger as well?  
Hikaru: You know, I haven't asked. Izumi, how do you feel about Gekiganger?  
Izumi: If it would release me from Demoness Ryoko's grip, I'd marry it and have its children. Let go, Demoness!  
Hikaru: Um, I think it's OK with her. What's your name?  
Ryoko: Hikaru, I think she's breaking away!  
Gai: I am Daigouji Gai, last seen on episode two of Kidou Senkan Nadesico. I was a great pilot, er, warrior of justice and Tenkawa's fighting partner. Until management fired me, that is. Made me die at the end of episode 2, shot by a deserter. What an inglorious way to die! It was unfit for the glorious soul of Gekiganger!  
Hikaru: (Wiping tears from her eyes.) That is so like manga! Do you mind if I write it down for future use?  
Gai: No, not all.  
Izumi: (escaping from Ryoko) The spirit of free expression, wittiness and creativity has broken away from its shackles! Feeble mortals, beware! Heheheheheheh... (Runs toward the stage, ukulele in hand.)  
Ryoko: All is lost. Woe to us all. We die horrible deaths this night. (Turns on Hikaru.) And this is all your fault!  
  
Table 1...  
  
Akatsuki: (Takes a sip from his glass.) So who's winning the fight?  
Erina: (looks around, eyebrow raised) Hard to say. It has started to take the proportions of a Serpent Orb Y episode.  
Gort: (sitting still) At least the attack names are apt for this fight. Not unlike Daigouji, who thinks an Aestivalis sortie is a Gekiganger episode.  
Akatsuki: Was he any good? (Looking at Gai, who was currently arguing with Ryoko.)  
Gort: He was.   
Akatsuki: (Looks around, spying the Three Children, Misato and Kaji across the room.) And who are those characters?  
Erina: They're from another series, I think. Lower technology, meaner aliens. Plus fewer females in the important cast.  
  
Tsukurou: FUTARI KEN! HISSATSU! BAKURETSU... GEKIGAN FINISHU KICK! (Lands his blow perfectly, destroying whatever hopes Evang had for the continuation of his line.)  
Evang: (Coughing blood, then falls on his knees to the floor.) Nanda kono chikara wa? [What power is this?](Closes his eyes and falls on his face.){THUD}  
Loudspeakers: Shori no V da, Gekiganger V!...  
  
Tsukurou manages to send "V" signs to his audience before turning his attention to Megumi, who was tugging on his sleeve.  
  
Tsukurou: Ah, Megumi-san. What is it? Do you have another evildoer who has done you wrong?  
Megumi: None that I know of anymore. Thank you.  
Tsukurou: He's not dead, just out cold. Come, I shall escort you to your table.  
  
Jemu: Crap. Here, Akatsuki. A thousand creds.  
Akatsuki: I may be a bastard, but I sure know how to spot potential.  
Jemu: You must admit, it was pretty much unsure back there. Either one could win-- what?  
Akatsuki: You actually thought that crazy lug you have for a partner could win against Tsukurou? I should be owning this rig right now.  
Jemu: How so? You knew from the start who would win?  
Gort: To borrow a few words from Daigouji: He was fighting for the just cause, and justice always wins in the end.  
Erina: Besides, he landed the first hit, or weren't you watching from the start?  
Jemu: I was working. Filling out the orders of a party this big isn't easy, even for a man of my capabilities. Excuse me, I have to prevent a death from happening.  
  
Table 16. Its occupants are silent. All look serious. Finally, one of them speaks.  
  
Misato: Hey, where're the beers I ordered?  
Jemu: (Dragging the remains of Evang to a hammerspace corridor.) Damn. BOS, you tend the bar, while I take care of this guy.  
BOS: Masususnod, kamahalan.  
Jemu: And set primary reply language to English. And stop the 'Majesty' crap.  
BOS: Opo.  
Jemu: (raising his voice) Okay, may I have your attention please. The station's computer will now take over for me. If you have any orders, address them to BOS. Meanwhile, I'll just head over to sick bay. Thank you. (exits)  
  
Seating Arrangement, Table 16. Table 16 has a round table, so the arrangement goes: Shinji-Misato-Rei-Asuka-Kaji.  
  
Kaji: So, Shinji, how does it feel to discover one of the greatest mysteries of all time, or in your case, uncover the two greatest mysteries of your life?  
Shinji: It was pretty OK, I guess, until they turned into sex maniacs!  
Asuka: We prefer to be known as 'affection addicts'.  
Shinji: There's a difference?  
Rei: Yes. Sex maniacs will tackle anything that moves. Sex maniacs will also try to reproduce with anything over 2 inches long and less than 3 inches in diameter.  
Shinji: And you're different because...?  
Asuka: We're only interested in tackling you. (Smiles at him, like a cat that has cornered a mouse.)  
Misato: Well, I see nothing wrong with this. Unless, of course, the complications that arise will interfere with your studies or your piloting.  
Kaji: But thanks to these (picks up the bottle of HL-pills and shakes it) none of that will happen.  
Shinji: What happens when the pills are gone? Will you be trying to explain to my father that one of his pilots can't pilot because she's pregnant?  
Rei: Synchronization with a pregnant female has never been tried.  
Asuka: I, of course, am willing to offer my body for the advancement of science.  
Shinji: I just bet you are.  
  
As they were saying the last few lines, the familiar white glow of a Boson jump fills the bar.  
  
Touji: Yow! What is happening?  
Kensuke: I'm blind, I'm blind, temporarily blinded!  
Yurika: (Tensing.) Akito...  
Akito: Boson jump? (Yurika nods.) Stay close. Ruri, Lapis, over here, quickly!  
  
Doctors Akagi and Fresange materialize from the glow, a bed sheet wrapped around their firm, well-developed bodies.  
  
Ai: Damn. Not this place again.  
Ritsuko: The outer space drinking joint?  
Jemu: (Walks in from hammerspace) Get the name right: the SpaceBar. (Takes a really good and long look at the newcomers.) Zap-a-rooty! Blonde bombshell action! (Lets out a long whistle.)  
Misato: What's that? Ritsuko! And that ice-queen blonde that could have been her sister!  
Kaji: Looks like Shinji's not the only one who's getting some these days.  
  
Both women, if they felt the weight of all of the eyes on them, gave no evidence of it.  
  
Ritsuko: (Coolly.) Do you have a changing room here?  
Ai: (Calm.) More importantly, do you have suitable clothes on board?  
Jemu: Hmmm. The corridors here are tele-empathic hammerspace tunnels. Do you understand what that means?  
Ai: We can twist reality, entering one and exiting into a room with more clothes than Imelda Marcos has shoes?  
Ritsuko: (Nodding.) Like where I got LCL on this thing, only on a bigger scale.  
Jemu: I always did like smart ladies. Take your pick, there are four of them.  
  
Ai and Ritsuko make their way to the hammerspace corridor nearest to them, which was to the left of the stage where Izumi was holding forth.  
  
Izumi: So I asked the chicken, "Chicken, chicken, why did you cross the road?" It didn't answer, just kept staring at the naked blondes who crossed earlier. (Strums her ukulele.)  
  
Gai: What was that all about? Who were those naked women?  
Hikaru: The one with long hair was Dr. Ines Fresange, who joined us when we went to Mars. As for the other one, I don't know who she is.  
Ryoko: If Uri-P was here, we'd have some real entertainment. Not that Serpent Orb Y episode earlier.  
Gai: Uri-P?  
Hikaru: Yeah, the Nadesico's head technician. Browned skin, glasses, dark hair--  
Gai: That old son of a goat?  
Seiya: Who's an old goat? (Whaps Gai on the head with a multi-folded sheet of paper.)  
Ryoko: How did you get here, old man?  
Hikaru: I thought only Martians and Jovians could Boson Jump.  
Seiya: I'm crushed, Hikaru. It's like you're not real glad that I'm here.  
Hikaru: (Blushing.) Well, I...  
Gai: Who could be real glad that you're here, old man? Especially (places an arm across Hikaru's shoulders) when she doesn't seem to want your presence.  
Seiya: (Stares at Gai's arm) So, is that the way it is? We seasoned men shouldn't be easily discounted, you know. What we lack in vigor and stamina, we make do with technique. Not like stupid young bucks.  
Gai: Are you calling me stupid, you hairy old fart?  
Seiya: You want to turn it into a federal case, boy?  
Gai: (Stands up) LET'S GET IT ON!  
  
The two arch-rivals proceed beating the heck out of each other.  
  
Ryoko: Told you there'd be entertainment if Uri-P was here.  
Hikaru: It isn't entertaining, it's shameful. Grown men, acting like boys.  
Ryoko: Aren't you thrilled to have two men fighting over you? It's like in manga, right?  
  
This new bout of brawling has attracted the attention of the other patrons.  
  
Jun: Look, there's another fight going on. It looks like Mr. Daigouji with someone else.  
Yukina: Stand. Stare. I don't recognize the other man.  
Jun: You mean you can tell who it is from the pants he wears?  
  
Izumi starts playing a catchy stomp-your-feet/clap-your-hands Western country tune.  
  
Yurika: Seiya's here? But I didn't feel anything!  
Erina: It must be a new form of transportation that Mr. Uribatake has used. Think of all the possibilities that this could entail. No telltale flash, no getting lost, no nanomachines required.  
Akatsuki: Now, now, Erina, you're off duty. We can grill him later.  
Touji: Hey, another fight. Place your bets, everyone. Gekiganger vs. the Dark Empire!  
Kensuke: Aha, my camera still works! (Trains it on the melee.) My bet's on Gekiganger!  
  
A solar plexus blow sends Gai down on the floor.  
  
Gai: Bloody dirty fighting technique. I'm sorry Miss Nanako, I won't be spending my days on the ocean with you after all.  
{THUD!}  
Seiya: (Rising slowly from his fighter's crouch) Nanda? Kasukatta dake sa? [What That was it?] Time for a beer, then.  
Touji: Yeah! Gekiganger loses! You owe me two weeks worth of lunch, fool!  
Kensuke: Nooooooooo!  
Yukina: Smack fist into palm. Damn. The old man won.  
Jun: Finally! A reprieve from being under a woman's thumb for all this time! It's my turn! Hahahahahahahaha!  
  
The two doctors reappear, dressed in sleeveless blouses and slacks. Their heeled sandals make clicking noises on the floor as they head toward the Evangelion table.   
  
Ritsuko: Ai says the 'explain' sayer was from this table.  
Shinji: Ai? Oh, that must mean you, Dr. Fresange.  
Ai: (Slipping into a chair, Ritsuko doing the same.) Yes. So, what needs explaining?  
Ritsuko: And what are these? Appetizers?  
Asuka: In a way. (Turns to Rei, who also faces her and smiles.) It makes some things very good to eat.  
Shinji: Those are pills that, umm...   
Ai: Yes? What do these pills do?  
Kaji: They say that its effects on men are similar to taking Viagra and a vasectomy for two hours. Mindless, worry-free sex until the pill loses its effects.  
Misato: We were wondering if it was possible to make more of these things. Then flash, you were here.  
Ai: I see. And the 'explain' part?  
Misato: Oh, that. (Chuckles.) Shinji was asking how I would explain it to his father if the pills run out and he gets one of the female pilots pregnant.  
Rei: It is possible for both female pilots to be impregnated.  
Shinji: It is?!  
  
BOS: Construction complete.  
Jemu: Really? That fast?  
BOS: Dead Characters' Apartments ready to receive occupants as of 3.46 seconds ago.  
Jemu: Thanks for the update, BOS. I'll just spread the news to everybody else. (Goes over to the stage.) Hello, Miss Maki. (Grabs a microphone) Attention, attention.  
  
All eyes turn to him.  
  
Izumi: Wow. Can you teach me how to do that?  
Jemu: What, talk?  
Izumi: Hehehehe. No, grab their attention.  
Jemu: Tell you what: have a few drinks with me, and catch the words of wisdom as they drop from my wasted tongue. Later?  
Izumi: Okay.  
Jemu: Great. (To the mic.) I am pleased to announce that the Dead Characters' Apartments are now online. It means that Misters Ryoji, Daigouji and Tsukurou can now wander around without fear of being sucked back into purgatory. The same goes for all other dead characters that might be revived as this work progresses. Thank you.  
  
Applause, applause, and congratulations. Everybody resumes eating, drinking, talking, making lame jokes, the usual stuff everybody does when sitting in front of food and drink.  
  
Akito: Ah, peace at last. No hostile Jovians jumping in, no suicide missions to be sent to.  
Shinji: No alien invaders intent on destroying the Earth either.  
Asuka: Then what will we do to pass the time?  
Rei: Don't you mean, WHO?  
Asuka: That's a good one, Rei. (Both of them stare hungrily at Shinji.)  
Shinji: Will you two knock it off? Don't you know you're embarrassing me in front of all these people? Dr. Akagi, what do you think is wrong with them?   
Ritsuko: I don't see anything wrong with their behavior. They're behaving as I would expect a couple of fifteen-year old girls to behave around a handsome teenage boy.  
Shinji: That's just it! I want them back to normal! I want them to stop chasing me around and carting me off to bed!  
Ai: Why don't you ask Akito for help... wait, that won't work either.  
Shinji: Why? He was a teenager once, wasn't he?  
Ai: He wouldn't be a good candidate to give advice because he eventually married one of the girls that were chasing him.  
Akito: Yup, story of my life. Moral of the story: running away will get you nowhere.  
Yurika: So, you equate me with nowhere, huh? And the kids as well?  
Akito: No, I... (Shrivels under the combined stares of Yurika, Ruri, and Lapis Lazuli.)  
Asuka: Maybe we should stop staring so at Shinji, Rei. He might, you know, shrivel up as well.  
Rei: Don't worry, I'm sure Dr. Akagi can figure out the secret of these pills.  
Ritsuko: Why not? It's not as if I had anything else to do. This reminds me, I need to talk with someone from Ai's series that has knowledge of their technology. Any suggestions?  
Yurika: Well, there's Ines for Boson jumping and gravity, and I guess you could talk to Seiya Uribatake for all the facts about Aestis.  
Ritsuko: Aestis?  
Akito: Short for Aestivalis units. Standard powered armor of our series. You should ask Tsukurou Shiratori about Gekigan-types and their robotic, computerized armies.  
Ritsuko: Which one is he?  
Kaji: He's the one that looks like he stepped out of a 70's robot series.  
Misato: Yeah, the one that's still standing up.  
Kaji: No, that's Gai Daigouji.  
Misato: How can you tell?  
Kaji: He's still holding his chest, evidence of receiving a powerful blow there. Tsukurou Shiratori is on table 2, with those two women with the lovely, uh, with the women we were watching at the Wreck Room.  
  
Back on Tokyo-3, NERV bridge.  
  
Gendo: How did you manage to save those two hackers from our local battle queen, Fuyutsuki?  
Fuyutsuki: Pressure points technique. Effective not only on arthritis, but on unsuspecting individuals as well.  
Gendo: Hmmm.  
Fuyutsuki: You never told me why you were agreeable in helping that Tenkawa person.  
Gendo: I had been assured that it would be worth my while.  
Fuyutsuki: Why? What have you been promised? A way to stop SEELE once and for all?  
Gendo: We shall see. Tell me, old friend, how would you stop a rampaging EVA?  
Fuyutsuki: I'll do as Major Katsuragi did - if the AT field is too powerful, I'll hit it with positron rifles.  
Gendo: But what if the EVA withstood a positron stream? If the beam merely splattered against it? What then? How would you stop it?  
Fuyutsuki: That's impossible. No AT field can withstand a positron beam.  
Gendo: No AT field, yes. But a distortion field might.  
Fuyutsuki: What?   
Gendo: You have asked what I had been promised, Fuyutsuki. What I had been offered by Tenkawa's mysterious patron, who had sent us the stem cells we used on him.   
Fuyutsuki: A way to protect Evangelion from its fatal weakness?  
Gendo: That was one of those I was promised to receive. If I am right, we will also have the means to send Evangelion to the stars, taking the fight to where these Angels come from.  
Fuyutsuki: That's preposterous!  
Gendo: Is it? Makoto?  
Hyuuga: Sir!  
Gendo: Do we have an analysis of the ship currently in the harbor?  
Hyuuga: Yes, sir, we do.  
Gendo: Tell us, how is it powered?  
Hyuuga: (Calling up a file.) It appears that the ship is propelled by manipulation of gravitic forces.  
Aoba: Beg your pardon sir, but I have detected emissions similar to those of a nuclear submarine's reactor.  
Fuyutsuki: You have? What is this talk of gravitic power, then, Mr. Makoto?  
Hyuuga: Well, sir, the--  
Maya: Sir! Unknown units moving our way, sir! Their flight pattern will bring them on top of us if they land!  
Aoba: I count nine of them descending on us!  
Hyuuga: Establishing visual contact now!  
  
A monitor showing nine winged, white shapes, like circling carrion birds, falling in a controlled spiral toward the ground. Toward the unsuspecting city of Tokyo-3.  
  
Maya: Analysis like no Angel we've seen, Commander!  
Gendo: So noted.  
Fuyutsuki: Is this SEELE's work?  
Gendo: Perhaps.  
Fuyutsuki: Send a red alert to the city. Have the people evacuated from all possible areas of combat.  
Aoba: I'm on it.  
Gendo: Send a high frequency radiowave beam toward the sky, Mr. Makoto. This beam must pierce the atmosphere and reach outer space.  
Hyuuga: Sir?  
Gendo: Just do it!  
Hyuuga: Aye, sir!  
Maya: ETA of first target, fifteen seconds. ETA for succeeding targets is five seconds after each drop.  
Aoba: The civilians are evacuating as we speak. AT Field detected!  
Hyuuga: Beam has been sent, sir!  
Gendo: Now we wait.  
Fuyutsuki: Wait? Launch EVAs now!  
Maya: No pilots in the compound, sir!  
Fuyutsuki: This is it, then.  
  
BOS: Receiving high-priority SOS message, sir.  
Jemu: Huh?  
BOS: It is from below us, the city of Tokyo-3.  
Jemu: Satellite view!  
Gai: What's going on?  
Jemu: We're about to find out.  
  
The satellite display showed two huge white figures on the streets of the city, as seven more descended in a tight spiral around the two. They watched as the third form folded its wings, crashed into the ground, and picked itself up as though nothing happened.  
  
Jemu: Shit. Shinji, Rei, Asuka, Tokyo-3 is under attack!  
Shinji: What!  
Asuka: Oh, no!  
Rei: We have left the city unguarded.  
Jemu: HANG ON EVERYONE! THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE BUMPY RIDE! BOS, chronoshift us, the whole stinking station, into the lower atmosphere.  
BOS: Chronoshifting now.  
  
A monitor showing nine winged, white shapes, like circling carrion birds, falling in a controlled spiral toward the ground. Toward the unsuspecting city of Tokyo-3. Suddenly, a long, massive form appears above the city and the invaders as well.  
  
Maya: Sir! Unidentified flying object has suddenly come to existence over Tokyo-3!  
Fuyutsuki: Was this part of your plan?  
Gendo: ...  
  
Jemu: Okay, here's the deal. None of those white things must destroy the Geofront. We need to get the Evangelion pilots to the Geofront so that they can take care of those things. We could shuttle them down, or someone could Boson jump them in. Still, we need to distract those beasts long enough for the kids to get to it. Any questions? Suggestions?  
Akito: Yurika, Ines and I will Boson jump the needed people into the base.  
Jemu: Good. I'll provide cover fire, but don't expect miracles.  
Akatsuki: We're not expecting miracles from you. That job falls to us. With Uribatake-san here, we can change from Luna frames to air frames and hit them as quick as possible.  
Jemu: Just so you know, these things are unpredictably fast, and their AT field is like distortion fields on steroids. Got that? Be careful when engaging.  
Ryoko: We will.  
Jemu: Then what are we waiting for? GO!   
  
The pilots and Seiya head for the hangar. A white flash sends Shinji, Rei, Asuka, Ritsuko, Misato, Ai, Akito and Yurika on their way.  
  
Kaji: I'm stuck here, I guess.  
Jemu: BOS, give each person in the room a fire control console. (As 10 consoles pop up from the floor) Mr. Aida, Mr. Suzuhara, would you like to help your friends?  
Touji: We would, but we don't know how.  
Jemu: It's simple really. Kensuke here will get to choose his weapon consoles, while you are going down there to kick some Angel ass.  
Touji: How? Shinji destroyed Unit 03 a long time ago. And my arm is broken.  
Seiya: Hey! Where did this black robot come from? It looks like one of those flying things, only a different color!  
Touji: Impossible!  
Jemu: Here, nothing is impossible, just improbable. Better go and synch test with it, 'cause the fun is starting already! (Gestures to the monitor.)  
  
The screen showed NERV's EVAs firing huge energy guns at the white invaders. The four Aestivalis were also there, sending missiles into a single Angel. Predictably, the creature survived the attack.  
  
Touji: Damn!  
Jemu: Go, boy! Good luck! (Touji heads out toward the hangar.) Alright, people, let's show them what we got! BOS, Yamato cannons fire!  
  
Orange light streamed from the underside of the SpaceBar, annihilating the monstrosity the Aestis were firing at.   
  
Jun: Anti-matter missiles firing!  
Yukina: Neutron flares fire!  
  
That took out another Angel. Two down, wait, three, as the Children focused their positron beams on a single target, disintegrating it. By this time, however, the other six were in melee range. Each monster paused, Longinus Lances materializing in their hands.  
  
Gort: Aestivalis, fire at my target! Halo Rockets away!  
Ryoko: You heard the man! Fire!  
Erina: Firing Gemini Missiles, now!  
Minato: Burst lasers, fully auto!  
Megumi: Yamato Cannons ready!  
Jemu: Fire at will!  
  
Five still remained, fighting intelligently. Two angels would hurl their Lances, and while they where creating more, the other three would hurl theirs. This had the Children dodging around, causing the Lances to destroy armory buildings.  
  
Shinji: We can't keep this up for long!  
Asuka: Giving up already, Third Child?  
Rei: Look out! Another flyer!  
Shinji & Asuka: What?!  
  
They look up, and sure enough there was another winged shape descending, wings out, blocking out the sun, and what seemed to be TWO Lances in its hands.  
  
Shinji: Shimata!  
Asuka: Why have they stopped shooting?  
Rei: It is two against one, then.  
  
Ruri: We are running low on ammunition. The explosives do not seem to work on AT fields.  
Lapis: Energy weapons are cooling down. We cannot fire or we will suffer explosions.  
Kensuke: Five versus three? They'll get slaughtered! I have to help them!  
Jemu: Do as you wish, then. May you find what you seek, and get what you deserve.  
  
A white flash signaled the return of the Boson jumpers.  
  
Akito: They need us!  
Yurika: There's a black demon coming for them, with two of those spears!  
Jemu: Don't worry it's almost over.  
Ines: It is for them, if we don't do something.  
Jemu: Watch.  
  
The black shape was still a ways from the ground. Its arms, each laden with a Lance of Longinus, suddenly stretched out, stabbing two white forms through the neck and down the spine. They fell, twitching for a while, before becoming still. The long black arms retracted, empty of their deadly load.  
  
Shinji: Touji?!  
Asuka: Isn't that the corrupted one?  
Rei: Bardiel would not turn on one of his kind.  
  
Akatsuki: Look! That new one just backstabbed its friends!  
Izumi: Sheesh! Kabobbed! Hehehehehe...  
Ryoko: The last one is turning to face the black one!  
Hikaru: I hope the black guy wins.  
  
Gendo: Now, Shinji! Rush them while it's turned around!  
Fuyutsuki: You really are a sneaky bastard, aren't you?  
Gendo: Where are all the knights and samurai now, old friend? In books.  
  
The last three Angels raised their Lances and hurled them at Unit 03, at the same time summoning greatswords. The Lances caught an arm, a leg, and a wing, flinging the black EVA down and away. This gave Shinji the courage to yell and charge the monster with his prog knife, with Rei and Asuka pausing long enough to lean down and collect a spear and an axe before charging after him. The Angels blocked the attacks with their swords, and their wings swept out, reforming into living lancets and driving into each Evangelion's sides.  
  
Shinji: Uuuwaaaagggghgh!  
Asuka: Aaaaaaaaieeee!   
Rei: Gahhhh!  
Akito: (from the cockpit of the Black Sarena) Alright, let's do this!  
Gai: (in an air frame) Vile monstrosity, prepare to be defeated!  
Tsukurou: (broadcasting from Tetsujin) Justice demands our victory, and it cannot be denied!  
Akito: Follow in after me! Gekigan... FLARE!  
  
Six Aestivalis and one Gekigan-type rose and dove as one, heading toward their immense targets at intense speed. Before the Angels could react, the much smaller Aestivalis units slammed into their wings-turned-lancets and blew them away, releasing the captive EVAs. Tsukurou's Tetsujin rammed the nearest one, catching it by surprise, and used it as a bigger ram to bludgeon the other two.  
  
Gendo: Good thing that the Angels kept a systematic line of fire.   
Fuyutsuki: That last maneuver couldn't have been done, otherwise.  
Maya: Sir, we are detecting life patterns from Unit 03! It's still alive!  
Aoba: I am detecting a massive energy build-up from the floating weapons battery!  
Hyuuga: There is something large and massive moving away from the floating platform!  
Misato: A missile, perhaps?  
Hyuuga: Way more massive than a missile.   
  
Seiya: Hello?! There's another black robot in the hangar, and that kid with the glasses is requesting launch permission.  
Jemu: Kensuke! Go ahead boy, the Double G Super is simple enough to use. Like that game you and Touji played, remember? We'll cover you. Mr. Ryoji, check the console nearest you, what is the Gap Energy reading?  
Kaji: Umm, it's nearly full.  
Jemu: Good. Kensuke, wait up, I'm going out as well.  
Yurika: You're going to fight too? So who will be in charge here?  
Jemu: Damn if I know. All I know is that your friends won't be able to do much against those things anymore. Why don't you take charge? (Heads out of the "command room.")  
Yurika: But--  
Minato: It's okay, you can do it.  
Gort: Think of it as commanding a battleship that has damaged engines and can't move.  
Megumi: Don't remind us. Nanafusi. Brrr.  
Seiya: I love this place! The robots just keep popping up! That is one really big artillery frame, Jemu. What do you call it, a Terra frame?  
Jemu: I haven't thought of it, but I guess I'll call it the Terra Walker.   
Seiya: It's not a frame?  
Jemu: No. Mr. Ryoji, can you hear me?   
Kaji: Loud and clear.  
Jemu: OK, listen up. As soon as Kensuke and I are out, Megumi and Yurika will fire the big guns. They run on a different cooling and power system, so it should be safe. After that, Kaji will have the Gap Generators fire. Ask help from the little girls if you need it, Kaji.  
Kensuke: This is it then.  
Jemu: Yeah. (Walks toward the opening hangar door.) Bahala na! (Sends his Terra Walker over the edge.)  
Kensuke: Kamikaze! (Takes a running jump out of the hangar.)  
Seiya: No you fools! Your parachutes are still here!  
Jemu and Kensuke: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!  
Lapis: They're out.  
Kaji: Gap Generators, go!  
Yurika: Fire, uhm, Big Guns!  
Megumi: Firing!  
  
The Angels were in a tight circle, throwing small wing-shards at their smaller enemies without much success. Darkness suddenly fell across the battlefield, plunging all in and above it in artificial night.  
  
Gendo: What's happening?  
Ritsuko: Some sort of light absorbing field has manifested from a point... between the 3 Angels.  
Misato: Status report on the EVAs!  
Maya: Still no signs of activity from Units 00 and 01.  
Hyuuga: Unit 03 has gained to its feet and is now mobile.  
Ritsuko: Impossible! It just took three Lance hits!  
Hyuuga: It is now, umm, limping its way toward the darkened region.  
Touji: Ah, can anyone hear me? NERV? Can you hear me?  
Fuyutsuki: Suzuhara! (Glances at his side to see how Gendo is reacting to this.)  
Gendo: What of Unit 02?  
Aoba: Sir! Unit 02 is active sir! But its umbilical cord has been severed by the last attack on it!  
Misato: Again, the EVAs move on their own.  
Maya: Energy pulse detected!  
  
An orange pillar of fire flashed down into the darkness, illuminating two of the three Angels as it vaporized the third. It also dispelled the darkness, and the smaller forms of the flying defenders came into view once more. But that was not all.  
  
Jemu and Kensuke: Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!   
{CRASH}  
Touji: What in the hell? Hey Asuka, are you okay in there? Asuka? Asuka! Answer me, girl! Damn! What the hell is going on? And who are these two fools who dropped from the sky? (Stretches his EVAs arms, wincing as he does so, and pulls the two unknowns off of the Angels.)  
  
The remaining Angels recovered from their rude surprise, although the one which the Terra Walker landed on took a little longer. Unit 02 noticed this as well.  
  
Unit 02: GRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (Charges the Angels with its axe held high.)  
  
But the Angels were smart. They quickly spread their wings and took to the air, shrugging off the half-hearted attacks made by the Nadesico units.  
  
Kensuke: Now what?  
Touji: Kensuke, is that you?   
Jemu: Quick, boy, fire the Smashing Beam!  
Kensuke: What the hell kind of name is that?  
Touji: You have no sense of originality, dude. Black is MY color.  
Jemu: PU-SANG-AMA! PHOTON CANNON UPPER!  
  
The Terra Walker raised its right arm, which ended in something which could have been a pneumatic lance or a beam weapon barrel, and shot a ball of light the same size as an EVA's torso. It hit one of the Angels smack in the chest, carrying it upwards and dropping it smack down in front of a waiting Unit 02. Said EVA wasted no time in getting medieval on its unholy ass.  
  
Yurika: Ugh. What is the red robot doing?  
Ruri: Is this what they mean when adults say "tear you apart?"  
Gort: ... (Turns from his usual dark tan into a sickly, pale flesh.)  
  
Fuyutsuki: My God...  
Ritsuko: It's a repeat of that episode.  
Misato: I think I'm going to be sick. Again.  
Gendo: The will to power. The drive to self-actualization. A function of the soul, and not the subconscious?  
  
One more Angel remained. As if sensing no chance of victory against two fresh opponents, it flew higher, closer to a more defenseless one.  
  
Jemu: Shit! I can't fly!  
Kensuke: It's headed for the SpaceBar!  
Lapis: Enemy unit approaching!  
Megumi: The main guns are not ready yet!  
Erina: And we're out of ammo!  
  
The beast produced two swords, and started slashing away at the reinforced titanium. The AT Field assisted blades cut into the hull like flame through paper.  
  
Yukina: Stand. Run run run run. Hug! I love you, Jun!  
Jun: Yukina! I love you as well! If we die, at least--  
Kaji: We're not going to die! Suzuhara! Fly your black modified ass up here, NOW!   
Touji: Why am I so stupid! (Unfolds a pair of rather short, but aerodynamic wings.) Owww! My leg is killing me! and so is my arm!  
Kensuke: Look out! Unit 02 is headed this way, and-- why is it's chest glowing?  
  
With a leap, Unit 02 closes the gap between the itself and the black EVA. It reached out for Touji...  
  
Akito: It looks like those EVA units are fighting amongst themselves!  
Akatsuki: What now? Can we distortion ram the monster?  
Gai: Great idea! (Peels away.)  
Tsukurou: The innocents must be protected!  
Akito: Wait! Gai! Tsukurou!  
Ryoko & Hikaru: IIIKEEEEEEE! [GOOOOOO!]  
Izumi: Only fools rush in where angels fear to tread but what if it flies? (Follows her partners.)  
Akatsuki: Well, fry-boy? Are you going to leave your wife alone again?  
Akito: Shut up!!! YUUUUURRIIIIIIIIKKAAAAAAAAA!(Blasts off, followed closely by Akatsuki.)  
Izumi: Good thing he wasn't named Kitsuya by his parents.  
Akatsuki: Yes. That show really bugged the hell out of me. Flying trucks? Giant turbofans? Give me a break.  
  
The Angel was expecting this, however. It buried its swords into the hull of the SpaceBar, then turned to face the attack. Because the distortion tackles were not simultaneous, the Angels AT Field had a field day [sorry for the pun] and bounced the attackers off like tennis balls against a brick wall.  
  
Touji: Asuka! It's me Touji! Shinji's friend! Remember?  
Jemu: It has an active S2 core now. Unlimited strength, thanks to the dust and air around us.  
Kensuke: This is terrible.  
Unit 02: GRRRRAAAAARRRRL!   
  
What the Angel wasn't expecting was an EVA hurtling toward it at Mach 0.5 speed. It met the black EVA with its AT Field, suspending it in mid-air.  
  
Ritsuko: Touji! Use your AT Field to nullify the enemy's!  
Jemu: Then lock your arms around it!  
Touji: I'll try!  
  
There was a flash, then a sound not unlike thunder. The next thing the spectators saw was two large forms hurtling down from the sky.  
  
Jemu: Kensuke, run under them and fire the Smashing Beam! Position yourself directly underneath them, and fire when I give the signal. Do you understand? We only have one shot at this, or else we risk having Unit 02 engage it in a 50-50 battle.  
Kensuke: Okay, I'm moving. (Gets into position.) But what's the signal?  
Jemu: (Ignoring him.) Touji, listen to me. When I scream, obey my command, the command that I shouted out. Clear? Otherwise... you don't want to ignore my scream, trust me.  
Touji: O-okay.  
Jemu: TOUJI! GET OUT OF THE WAY!  
Touji: Eject entry plug!!  
Kensuke: SMASHING BEAM!!!  
  
A green beam erupted from the black robot's head, shooting upwards into the falling tangle of steel and flesh. A cylindrical capsule released its parachutes seconds later, as the beam engulfed the mechanical giants in green flame. And then there was just one left, green flames adorning it, trailing after it as it fell to the ground, creating a crater [don't you just love alliterations?].  
  
Maya: (almost as an afterthought) Positron burst detected.  
Gendo: Indeed.  
  
Ruri: He did it.  
Lapis: Kensuke-san saved us all.  
Yurika: Akito! Where's Akito?   
Akatsuki: Don't worry, he's still here.  
Ryoko: Don't worry, if he jumps away, just jump after him.  
Hikaru: What's wrong, Izumi?  
Izumi: There were a couple of good puns back there, and that snotty narrator got them both.  
Tsukurou: Justice has triumphed once more! V!  
Gai: Hahahaha! Let us celebrate! Let's sing!  
Others: (except Tsukurou) Let's NOT!  
  
THE END? 


	7. Thema Incognito

SpaceBar Adventures 7: Thema Incognito  
by Jemu Nekketsu  
  
DISCLAIMER: The anime characters and series mentioned in this little piece of litter-rature don't belong to me. Also, the Moulin Rouge isn't part of my statement of assets and liabilities either. Only Jemu, Evang, and BOS are belong to me.  
  
The Angels have been driven off. For now. Peace now reigns once more on  
everybody's favorite location for crossovers, the interdimensional video  
arcade and drinking joint...  
  
Evang: Fly me to the moon, and let me play, among the stars...  
Jemu: Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars...  
Akito: Spring? What spring? It's always bloody temperate in Mars! No snow  
whatsoever! (Takes a swig of beer from his can and grimaces.)  
Shinji: This from a guy who spent his early days in a huge terrarium.  
  
... eh heh, and not to mention videoke bar, the SpaceBar.  
  
Akatsuki: So, what the hell where those things?  
Asuka: Those were Angels. We get them on a regular basis on Tokyo-3. About  
once a week, but this is the first time they attacked en masse.  
Ryoko: One of those monstrosities every week!? I don't believe it! You and  
your team must be very good.  
Asuka: Of course! Would you expect no less from the great Souryu Asuka Langley?  
Hikaru: It must be stressful to expect such disasters every week.  
Rei: At least they aren't Huge Radioactive Mutant Lizards (TM).  
  
Everyone on the table turns to stare at Rei.  
  
Rei: Sorry. Been watching old movies while I was recuperating. They had this Gojira marathon and... (Starts rambling on and on about the Huge Radioactive Mutant Lizard we all know and love.)  
  
Everybody is still staring at Rei, all openmouthed.  
  
Izumi: At least all your lizard does is stomp around your city and exhale blue or green radiation. Our Lizards have this annoying tendency to jump around all over the battlefield. (Strums her little guitar and ducks a can thrown at her.)  
Minato: (on another table) Tsukurou, dear, calm down. It isn't good for your heart to get angry all to easily, remember?  
Yukina: Giving him only four hours of sleep every night for the past two days isn't helping him either.  
  
Minato had the grace to blush. Aoi Jun chokes on a handful of peanuts and begins choking. Grinning, Yukina pounds him on his back, keeping in count with "The Little Drummer Boy."  
  
Evang: So, tell me, Akito, were all those hentai dojinshi of you doing almost every female on board the Nadesico-A real? How does your family feel about them?  
Jemu: Do they even know about them indecent, sleazy stories? And on those long and lonely nights in space during POD, did you ever look at Lapis other than in a fatherly or brotherly way?  
Akito: (Grips his beer tightly in one hand.) GEKIGAN FLARE!  
  
The assistant bartender flies through the wine collection and through lots of walls as well.  
  
Shinji: Wow. Just like an episode of Serpent Orb Y.  
Evang: So, Shinji, where are your friends?  
Shinji: Maybe they're in the Wreck Room.  
Evang: And why aren't you sitting with your adoring, adorable, living, psychologically unbalanced love dolls?  
Shinji: You want psychologically imbalanced?! (Leaps over the bar and proceeds to get Evangelic on the bartender's behind.)  
  
As his partner is getting trounced Eva-style, Jemu flies through his last wall and crashes onto the room's floor.  
  
Jemu: (Gets up on his feet and takes a good look around.) Geez, this room is reeking of talcum powder and the scent of compact powder... uh, oh.  
Ai: And very soon, of pervert blood.  
Ritsuko: I'll give you three guesses to where you are right now, and-  
Jemu: Yeah, yeah, the first two don't count. Women's dressing room, right?  
Misato: (Sarcastic.) Gee, I wonder what gave it all away. Oh, it must be all of us each in some stage of partial undress.  
Ruri: Baka baka.  
Lapis: He-n-ta-i.  
  
Misato, Ai, Yurika, Ritsuko, and Megumi nod in agreement. Interdimensional Mallets appear in their hands, set to Maximum Pain, Long Time Dying.  
  
Jemu: (3 seconds away from receiving mortal pain.) BOS, mind tap and broadcast please. I want to make some people die before it all fades to black. Up to the last 2 minutes of my arrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!  
  
Back in the Main Lounge, Kaji and Gai are restraining a raving Shinji. Oh,did I mention barely restrained?  
  
Shinji: DIE, ZERUEL, DIE! YOUR SPLEEN IS MINE! MINE! TASTY PRECIOUSSSS!!  
Evang: Get him away from me! Aaiiiieeeee!!  
Gai: Shinji! Stop this madness!  
Kaji: Daigouji's right! You don't know where he's been or what he has been  
eating for the past few episodes!  
Shinji: NO! MUST EAT, MY PRECIOUS!!  
Evang: No!!! I don't bend that way, man!! Now, if you were a girl... aha!  
Gai: This is no time for your sick, depraved perversions, you jerk!  
Evang: (Ignoring the insult.) Rei! Asuka! I need your help! Please? Please??  
Pretty please? I'll even join the "Stop Asuka and Rei Yuri Stories" org if  
you get Shinji to stop! Okay?  
Asuka: I'm considering it.  
Rei: I'm not.  
Evang: (Dodging Shinji's lunge, which sends Shinji crashing into a table and some chairs.) I'll even make a website for each of you! The World's Greatest Souryu Asuka Langley Temple! And the Mother of All (Female Albino Cuties)!  
Rei: (Sighing.) It's a little on the thin side, but I'll do it.  
Asuka: Okay, Rei-chan. You do it, I'll do him.  
  
Both female pilots exchange salacious grins as Shinji extricates himself  
from the debris. Suddenly, the room temperature rises about 5 degrees higher and weird, daydream-type lighting effects begin.  
  
Evang: More like caberet atmosphere, engaged. (Rolls under a table and sticks his head out to watch the action.)  
  
Rei and Asuka slowly walk toward Shinji, who is still crouched like a wild animal ready to fight and die, giving the Moulin Rouge chicks a run for their money. They stop two meters away from Shinji.  
  
Asuka: (bends down to level her mammary assets with Shinji's gaze) Come, here, Shinji-boy. Don't be shy.  
Rei: (Crosses her arms on her chest causing her, um, well you know what does happen when a girl crosses her arms on her chest, right?) You've been very, oh so very naughty.  
Shinji: Hisssssss. (Looks from one girl to the other, as if to determine which one to pounce on first.)  
Asuka: Can't decide which one of us to take first? Let me make it easier for you, sweet thing. (Walks around the shorter girl and wraps her arms around Rei's flat stomach, and nuzzling Rei's neck.)  
  
Shinji doesn't know what's going on, but he realizes that he can now take both threats out in one move. He takes the opportunity and leaps at the girls.  
  
Rei: Now!!!  
  
Insert stock anime/cartoon fight cloud scene here. Pull out all stops on the effects, with each fighter's clothing getting more and more shredded each time they can be seen. After one minute the fight stops and the dust clears.  
Shinji is trussed up like a sacrificial lamb with strips of cloth ripped  
straight off from Asuka's yellow dress and Rei's school uniform.  
  
Fanboys: SWEEEEEEET!! (They nosebleed and faint, a smile on their faces.)  
Evang: SWEEEEEEET!!! (He nosebleeds and faints, a lecherous grin on his face.)  
Misato: (Stepping in.) Eh? What's going in here? (Takes a look at the Three  
Children.) Were you three fighting again?  
Ritsuko: No, it's really rough foreplay. Of course they were! They probably  
beat the hell out of Shinji `cause he probably didn't want to have sex with  
them again.  
Ai: (Smiling.) Maybe his psychologist ought to be tied to a pole and tickled with feathers for doing such a lousy job with him.  
Ritsuko: Don't blame me. You'd be screwed up too, if you were making out with someone who smells like your mother, looks like your mother, and is actually cloned from your mother.  
  
Yurika covers Lapis Lazuli's ears.  
  
Yurika: Excuse me, but there are children here.  
Izumi: (From the pilots' table.) Of course we do. Those are the Three Children over there.  
Megumi: (Spying an unconscious form under a table.) Hey, who's that?  
BOS: Oh, it's just the good master, who fainted due to normal masculine blood flow problem. Nothing to worry about. Except for brain damage. Okay, the dang cabaret's closed.  
  
The lights return to normal. We now see that Yurika is in a rabbit, or I  
should say a red bunny outfit, while Ruri is filling out her catsuit rather  
nicely. No, not that kind of catsuit, the one with the big bell and ears!  
Megumi, Ai, Misato and Ritusko are dressed as they usually are when at work. Lapis has a panda hat, and is holding something in her hand, which captures Akito's attention.  
  
Akito: Lapis, why are you playing with Yurika's underwear? Not that I mind but, isn't that her tiger/leopard bikini top?  
Lapis: No. It's something for Yukina-san.  
Yurika: Akito no baka! (Hurls a mallet at him, which he dodged, having been  
expecting it.)  
Yukina: Really? For me? Oh, excuse me. (Stands up and makes her way to the  
newcomers.) Oh, it's a hair band! With ears!?  
Yurika: (Smiling.) Come on, try it! I know you'll look cute in it.  
  
Meanwhile, Asuka is trying a new method of waking up unconscious people: by kicking them in the solar plexus.  
  
Evang: Gyarrrrrgh! (Clutches his chest, and starts breathing heavily and painfully.)  
Asuka: Good. You're awake. We've done as you wanted, and even gave you a free show.  
Rei: Along with some other perverted fanboys. So I figure you owe us more than the stuff you promised earlier.  
Asuka: Yeah! If we wanted websites done for us, we'd just let Kensuke take a picture of us with our skirts being tossed by the wind.  
Rei: (Nodding.) Or a picture of us now in our underwear-exposing tattered  
clothing.  
  
In the Wreck Room...  
  
Kensuke: Haa-ah-chooo!  
Touji: Hey, are you OK?  
Kensuke: It's weird, dude. I feel like I should be having a nosebleed now, or something. Maybe someone's talking about me, is all.  
Touji: Well, if you feel like getting a nosebleed while playing that (points to the Robomanzer console that Kensuke is parked in front of) I shall be very tempted to not consider you my friend anymore.  
  
Women's Dressing Room...  
  
Jemu: BOS?  
BOS: Yes, sir?  
Jemu: Did you broadcast my request?  
BOS: I sure did. On frequency 54167654.  
Jemu: Oh, crap.  
BOS: I beg your pardon?  
Jemu: BOS, that was- is- the Galaxy's Funniest Media channel.  
BOS: Oh.  
Jemu: OH?!! That's all you can say?  
BOS: Alright. I hope we win the 50,000,000 credit first prize for this month.  
  
Back in the Main Lounge...  
  
Evang: Just curious, but what are you going to do with Shinji now that he's  
tied up and immobile?  
Rei: Same thing we always do when we get Shinji in a corner. (Smiles in her  
Ayanami Rei manner.)  
Evang: And that would be...?  
Asuka: Ah, ah. (Wags her index finger in front of Evang's face.) Remember, no lemons.  
Evang: (Notices the look of sudden fear, nay of absolute terror that crosses Shinji's face.) Let me guess, you're going to drain his life force in a way that pleases all three of you very much, right?  
Asuka: For a bartender, you sure do catch up very quickly.  
Evang: Haven't you heard? Bartending is now a Ph. D. job. (Leans down and  
removes Shinji's gag.) Any last words, Ikari-kun?  
Shinji: If I say I'm sorry, would you let me out of this predicament?  
Evang: Let's see. (Considers the matter for all of 2 seconds.) No.  
  
Minato: Ruriruri, is there any reason for your dressing up like some cute XD characters from a show with no plot?  
Ruri: Not really. Yurika just thought it would be nice and fun to do so. Don't people do strange things during holidays?  
Jun: Please don't think badly of me, but I think the maid-in-a-catsuit would look better on a smaller, younger girl. Seeing it on a teenager, well... oh, Yukina, no, don't get angry, I...  
Yukina: Jun no baka! EYE-BEAM!!! (Beams come out of Yukina's eyes and turn our poor Aoi Jun to Kuroi Jun, who crumbles into a pile of ash.)  
Akatsuki: That's weird.  
Ryoko: You could probably say that of this whole fanfic.  
Akatsuki: I suddenly have this weird urge to lift Yukina into the air, gaze at her while spewing all sorts of weird pick-up lines. Say, Tsukurou?  
Tsukurou: (Frowning at the Nergal prez.) What?  
Akatsuki: Your sister isn't for sale, is she?  
Tsukurou: (Draws himself to his full height.) Prepare to taste my fists of  
holy rage!  
Minato: Tsukurou! Your heart-  
Tsukurou: Is burning with righteous indignation and brotherly protectiveness!  
(He leaps at the pilots' table to get to Akatsuki. Another scuffle ensues.)  
Hikaru: Look! Ken and Joe are fighting again!  
Evang: (Pouring water over Jun's ashes.) I think Jun is right. Ruri's costume is rather provocative to all sorts of sickos. So, I have the perfect solution. (Walks over to the Author's Omnipotent Hammerspace Device and opens it.) You can come in now, little one. They're all waiting for you, Princess.  
  
Everybody stares as Evang escorts a familiar little albino girl with pale purple hair into the room.  
  
Everybody: Why, it's-  
Ruri: Me from five or six years ago, right?  
Hikaru: Two Ruris? Isn't this going to be a little bit confusing?  
Gai: As if one wasn't unnerving enough.  
Kaji: I suppose we could call Captain Hoshino as Big Ruri, and the younger one as Little Ruri.  
Izumi: You mean we'd address the winner of the Miss Nadesico contest as (drumroll) "Ruri-ko"?  
  
Everybody is flabbergasted, except for Capt. Hoshino, who also turns Izumi into ash.  
  
Ruri: Any other wiseguys out here? (Silence.) That's good, nyo.  
  
****ATTENTION EVERYBODY****  
The author would like to take a reality check and see where he really wants this episode to go to. Sorry for the succeeding exchange between the author's characters. Thank you.  
***************************  
  
Jemu: We're halfway through the episode and what have we done?  
BOS: Other than getting both of you beaten up, nothing.  
Evang: Wait! I'm just building up the boredom so that the readers won't know that something has just changed!  
Jemu: Isn't that a bad thing?  
BOS: And what's with the Di Gi Charat cosplay going on back there?  
Evang: Ah, so you noticed!  
BOS: I didn't get the title "The Computer that Whupped Omoikane's Bum" for  
being stupid, you know.  
Jemu: And what about Tokyo-3? What happened to them guys back on Earth?  
Evang: They can rot, for all I care.  
BOS: So what's next?  
Evang: Well, we're being repaired and having a break, and I'm still trying to mix in a third series into this stew.  
Jemu: Is that wise? Can you handle the strain?  
Evang: When has that stopped me before?  
BOS: New series. Right. So which one is it going to be?  
Evang: Well, I wrote the first fic to make fun of the lead guys of shows that had all the possibilities of getting laid every day but weren't taking any of them.  
Jemu: I know! Let's add Dual!!  
[Evang takes out a Desert Eagle and empties a clip into his partner's torso.]  
BOS: What about Full Metal Panic?  
Evang: What about it?  
BOS: Well, it does have a love triangle involving a brown-haired super-soldier boy, a klutz of an albino captain and a green-haired sophomore school idol, both of them seemingly taken out from a hentai game I'm sure you'd played before when you were still in high school.  
Jemu: (rising from the floor at the mention of the magic words) Hentai?! High school!!? Where!? Where?!  
Evang: (reloads his pistol) Is it decided then? FMP?  
Jemu:(wailing) But I wanted Tenchi Muyo!  
BOS: Shut up. You'll vote for any show where pedophilia might be a possible  
plot twist.  
Jemu: But why pick Nadesico, then? Isn't Ruri a little too young to give  
consent?  
Evang: One, I wasn't writing lemons. Two, I'd hardly call her innocent and  
naive.  
BOS: So how do we get them on board?  
Jemu: Abduction. We take them using a seemingly unstoppable unit, so that Mr. Sousuke Sagara will have to sortie in his Arbalest. Of course, Mr. Weber and Ms. Mao won't be far behind. As for the Tuatha De Danan, we can inflict huge damage on it to send it to drydock, thus keeping it out of the story.  
Evang: (Amazed.) Wow. That's the most coherent paragraph I've ever heard you utter. Are you on drugs?  
Jemu: Hakken Slash deprivation. Same effect.  
BOS: OK. Returning to fanfic in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,...  
************  
Jemu staggers into the main lounge, looking as if he had been ambushed by a pack of bloodthirsty, mallet-wielding battle maidens. Oh wait, he has.  
  
Jemu: (Somewhat groggy.) Yume ga asu... o yonderu... tamashii... costs 50 SP, triples the final damage dealt by an attack. (Manages to stumble to the bar.)  
Kaji: You don't look so good.  
Jemu: Huh?! Why are you tending bar? Where's-?  
Kaji: He's watching the Gekiganger V OAV. Everybody's watching, as Gai threatened to shoot anybody who doesn't.  
Jemu: So why're you here? (Accepts a glass of ice water.) Thanks.  
Kaji: Easy. I told him that it was my sacred duty to tend bar. My calling, if I ever got tired of the espionage business.  
Jemu: And he believed it? Sucker. (Takes a long sip.)  
Kaji: So what happened to you?  
Jemu: Short, painful story. Pour me a root beer and I'll tell.  
Kaji: Here. (Hands over a mug of the brown, foamy liquid.)  
Jemu: Thanks. It started when Akito sent me flying through walls...  
  
The rest of the party walks into the bar, with mixed looks of delight and horror evident in their faces. Most of them head for some liquid relief and salvation.  
  
Kaji: Excuse me, but duty calls.  
Jemu: No prob. Evang! Time to decide.  
Evang: OK. Let's roll dice for it. In case of a tie, BOS goes.  
Jemu: Shoot! Hey, Yurika, can we borrow your hair ornaments for a while?  
Yurika: You're not going to do anything... weird with them, are you?  
Evang: Nah. We'll just use them to settle an argument.  
Yurika: Well, in that case. (Takes one of her hair ties off.) Here.  
Jemu: Grazie. Here goes! (Rolls the dice.) 4 and 2. Sheesh.  
Evang: Ha! Loser! (Takes the dice and makes his own roll.) 2 and 1!? What the hell!  
Jemu: Hah! I win! I get to go!  
Evang: (Sighs.) A deal is a deal. Here, Yurika. Thanks. (Hands over the dice.)  
Jemu: Say, Mrs. T., can I ask you for some strategic advice? I have to go out on a mission, and I want some expert opinion.  
Yurika: Really? But it's Christmas!  
Jemu: I do want to be back before New Year breaks, which is why I'm asking for your help. It's okay, though, if you'd rather spend more time with your family.  
Lapis: Doesn't your computer with the funny name come with a strategic/tactics chip?  
Jemu: Hear that, BOS? Lapis thinks you're funny.  
BOS: And I think she's a Ruri stand-in, which isn't really needed now that we have two of them on board!  
Lapis: Baka no computer. Pyo.  
BOS: Case in point, gema.  
Evang: Wait a minute. (Accesses a console and searches BOS's data banks.) Aha! This is what's causing all this looniness! (Points to the Downloads folder and opens it, revealing...) Di Gi Charat! All episodes, plus the Summer Special!  
BOS: Is that what it was, gema? I wonder who downloaded it, gema.  
Jemu: I am a rock. Rocks cannot speak and are unnoticeable. It is nice to be a rock.   
Evang: Keep that up and I'll have BOS go on the mission. (Grabs a megaphone.) Calling all strategy-type people in the room. I am requesting the honor of your collective presence in the War Room in T-minus 60 minutes. Attendance is not mandatory. Thank you.  
  
One hour later, in the newly furnished, fresh from hammerspace War Room...  
  
Evang: Looks like we won't get our talented team of strategists after all.  
Jemu: Um. Yurika says she can't make it on account of taking care of her three daughters. At least Uri-P is agreeable.  
Evang: Just like a kid in toy store.  
Jemu: Whatever possessed you to summon the ten-year old version of Ruri?  
Evang: Nothing. I just wanted more looniness on board.  
  
The doors slide open to admit Aoi Jun into the War Room.  
  
Jun: Hey, guys. Can I sit in? If you don't mind, that is.  
Evang: Mind? Heck, no! In fact, we were just looking for a brilliant mind to squeeze strategy from.  
Jemu: Then you walked in.  
Jun: Um, thanks, I guess. Be glad to be of help.  
Evang: (Stage whisper.) Not unlike in the whole Nadesico universe.  
Jemu: Okay. We want this guy to come to us. Only he won't come peaceful-like.  
Evang: We know his weakness: he's got a couple of onna that he'd gladly risk losing his life just to save them.  
Jemu: He also has this kick-ass piece of hardware that makes distortion fields look like a big joke. Them things can also go invisible.  
Evang: He also has a German sniper and a Chinese Amazon for best friends, and they're not shabby pilots either.  
Jemu: Our plan is to kidnap his girlfriends, and hold them hostage.  
Jun: Wait a minute! What or who is this guy anyway?  
Evang: He's the best soldier of this self-appointed arny of justice that  
supposedly destroys terrorists all over the world.  
Jemu: He's also the only one that can pilot the big, bad mecha we were talking about a while back.  
Jun: And we, excuse me, you want on your leash because...?  
Evang: Let's say he isn't what you would call a full deck of cards, and woe to the world if he goes ballistic.  
Jun: I'm not sure having him controlled by you is much safer for the world.  
  
The doors make a whooshing sound as it opens. Misato walks in, along with Ai and Ritsuko.  
  
Misato: Sorry we're late. Things got pretty chaotic back there.  
Ai: (Nodding.) Whoever thought that ten and eleven year-olds had so much angst in them.  
Ritsuko: (Noting the blank expressions on the three males' faces.) Captain  
Hoshino's little sisters had a kittenfight, and the rest of those drunken louts watched as their parents pulled them apart.  
Ai: They might have taken their cue from their onee-chan, as she and that blue-haired girl started trading insults.  
Ritsuko: Served her right. Little bitch. Good thing I flushed the rest of her sisters down the toilet when I had the chance. (Smiles fondly at the memory.)  
  
The three men cringe in terror at the doctor's words and expression.  
  
Misato: Don't let us stop you gentlemen. Continue.  
Jemu: Anyway, here's a list of all available units here in the SpaceBar.(Snaps his fingers and a window appears, displaying said units.)  
Evang: Jemu will sortie in the Terra Walker. (As he says this, a holographic display of the unit appears beside the list.  
Jun: Can your unit handle a distortion tackle head-on?  
Jemu: We're not sure. All I know is that I'm going to be dropped into a hot LZ and take the first objective, radio for extraction, proceed to second the second objective and head back.  
Misato: Dropped? If the way your unit flattened the Angel by just landing on it was any indication, you'd need something really huge to airdrop this Terra Walker of yours.  
Ai: And Boson jumping something that huge in quick succession is out of the  
question.  
Ritsuko: Is a land approach out of the question? If it isn't EVA Units 01 and 02 can provide ample protection.  
Misato: And have a jetload of U.N. investigators knocking on our doorstep and demanding what the hell we were doing?  
Jemu: She's right. Although we might need the AT Fields, NERV's involvement in this project must remain unknown or unsuspectable.  
Evang: Besides, two EVAs can't cover all angles of attack against something as large as the Terra Walker.  
Jun: So you drop in, extract the VIP, and get out?  
Jemu: Yeah, that about sums it up.  
Misato: If so, you will also need to protect the getaway vehicle.  
Ai: A Distortion Block can be mounted on your unit and the carrier. The real problem is finding a carrier that can fly undetected while carrying all that weight.  
Ritsuko: The carrier will have to be large enough to carry Units 01 and 02,  
your Terra Walker, and an engine powerful enough to provide sufficient lift  
and power a Distortion Block at the same time.  
Jun: Do you have such a vehicle on board your station?  
Evang: (Turns to Jemu.) Do we?  
Jemu: BOS, do we?  
  
Silence greets his question.  
  
Jemu: I guess we'll have to look for ourselves.  
Evang: What is the computer doing anyway? (Starts typing on his console.)  
Ai: Have you heard the one about the chemist, the mechanic, and the computer wiz who went on a road trip?  
Jemu: No. But you're going to tell us, right?  
Ai: The chemist, the mechanic, and the computer wiz went on a road trip in a bus that the mechanic hotwired. Unfortunately for them, the bus had a faulty air-conditioning unit that kept on breaking down, no matter what the mechanic did.  
Seiya: Stupid mechanic. He's a disgrace to the profession.  
Evang: Kyaa! Where did you come from!?  
Seiya: I walked in. The sign outside said "Sit-ins accepted." So I went in.  
Ritsuko: Anyway, Ai, go on with your story.  
Ai: Where was I? Oh, yes. Noontime came, and not wanting to be baked alive,  
they resorted no natural ventilation and cooling. All was well, until the  
engine died all of a sudden.  
Seiya: If this mechanic can't solve this problem, he's really worthless.  
Ai: So the three went down to see what was happening. The mechanic opened the hood, took a look around and said that there was nothing wrong with the engine.   
Seiya: He's worthless, all right. No doubt about it.  
Misato: So what did the chemist do?  
Ai: The chemist checked the battery, and said that it was in prime condition. So the computer wiz walked around the bus, and said "We're all idiots! No wonder this old unit hung up on us!"  
Ritsuko: And the punchline is...  
Ai: "We've got too many windows open!"  
  
Everybody groans at this.  
  
BOS: Incoming Reality Check(TM) call.  
Jemu: I'll take it. (Speaks into a handset which suddenly pops into existence.) Hello?  
???: I'd just like to know what you intend to do with the extra Ruri. Do you have like, plans to make her a permanent crew member?  
Jemu: No, none that hasn't been discussed yet. Why?  
???: Can I have her?! Please!  
Jemu: NO!!!! (Terminates the call.) Bloody pedophiles.  
  
The handset rings and nearly jumps out of Jemu's hand a scant second later.  
  
Jemu: YES?  
???: Why don't you pull off the same stunt twice, hell, three times with Akito the pre-POD version? You could give one away to Megumi, one to Ryoko, and well, maybe one to Ruri. Or maybe even to me! Hey, that's not a bad idea---  
  
Jemu curses and crushes the handset with his right hand.  
  
Evang: Yeah, why don't we just use hammerspace to pull in the hentai-game  
lovey-dovey triangle and skip this abduction thing?  
Jemu: Because we'd miss out on a lot of good action, and besides, I want to be a bad guy for once. How did your inventory search go?  
Evang: We're in luck. We can "borrow" an Orcom Transport from somewhere else. Or we could repair, refit and re-crew an Arbitrator Battle Command Vessel and do it really cheesy-like.  
Jun: Cheese sounds good. How does this plan work out?  
Ai: Mr. By-The-Book Officer, going for cheesy?  
Jun: Hey, don't you think taking on the latest in mobile power armor tech with an antique isn't cheesy?  
Jemu: And let's not get into the other lines you spouted during that episode.   
Seiya: You were saying about refitting a vessel?  
Evang: Here's how it works. The Arbitrator can warp light and sound around it to a certain extent. We can have a couple of EVAs walking underneath it during broad daylight and people will never hear or see a thing.  
Misato: It sounds too good to be true. What's the catch?  
Evang: For some odd reason that hasn't been researched yet, the material that the Arbitrator is made of is immune to this warping effect.  
Ritsuko: Meaning that this Arbitrator will be visible while the units near it are not. (Sigh.) I suppose it's too much to hope that it's camouflaged to blend in with the sky.  
Jemu: Here's a picture of the thing. (Presses a button and an image of a gold ship, with blue highlights appears.)  
Misato: Tacky. Whoever was in charge of the aesthethics of this thing should be blindfolded and shot in the back.  
Jun: Assuming we'll use this thing, we can have ample protection and at the  
same time "secrecy" by having at least one Evangelion walking under it. The  
Terra Walker can extract the VIPs and take cover within the warp field while the EVA protects the ship.  
Seiya: An awesome chance to see new technology in action! Let's do it!  
  
Meanwhile, in the hangar, where Aestivalis face-off against Evangelions, a masked figure stands facing a cage set apart from the rest. He gazes at the huge tank with legs, a claw and a cannon arm. He marvels at the sheer ability of such low level of technology to go toe-to-toe with an Angel. He smiles, and then vanishes from sight.  
  
Exactly one minute later, the Spacebar is rocked by a huge explosions and plummets down to the streets of Tokyo-3, fire and smoke roaring out from one of its sides. 


	8. Minor Setbacks

SpaceBar Adventures 8: Minor Setbacks  
by Jemu Nekketsu  
  
DISCLAIMER: The anime characters and series mentioned in this little piece of litter-rature don't belong to me. Only Jemu, Evang, and BOS are belong to me. (Yes, that was intentional.)  
  
Tokyo-3 is a fairly active city. Its streets are traversed everyday by  
pedestrians and vehicles alike. The scene is always like this, barring the  
occasional emergency evacuations that happen so often. During those times,  
the streets are dead. Usually, after the evacuees return, they are greeted by the sight of wasted buildings and shattered streets. Today however, a new one greets them. {Camera zooms to take in the burning SpaceBar.}  
  
Evang: Damage report!  
BOS: Engines are very severly damaged. Life support is also slightly damaged, but since we're on a habitable planet, I guess that's nothing to worry `bout.  
Misato: (Rising to her feet.) What the hell happened?  
BOS: The area of greatest damage seems to be around the hangar area.  
Seiya: NNNNOOOOOOOO!!! My beautiful mecha!!! (Dashes out of the room.)  
BOS: Hammerspace power is down. We will be unable to do our cool time-space  
twisting special effects for quite a while.  
Jemu: Bummer. (Shakes his head to clear it.) Dr. Akagi, Dr. Fressange, are you alright?! No, don't move, Dr. Akagi, you're bleeding. (Administers first aid to Ritsuko.)  
Ritsuko: (In a groggy voice.) Oooh, who spiked the cappucino?  
  
BOS: Please remain calm until further notice. We do not have engine power, so we'll be earthbound for a while.  
Akito: Kids? Where are you? (Glances around frantically.)  
Yurika: Oh, Akito, you're bleeding! (Rushes to him, but is kept at bay.)  
Akito: Where are the girls?  
Ryoko: Over here, Tenkawa.  
  
Akito turns to look at Ryoko, who is holding the 10-year old version of  
Ruri. The older one is holding Lapis, and is currently sitting on a bemused  
Akatsuki Nagare. Just in case you perverts are wondering, Akatsuki is face  
down on the floor.  
  
Ruri: (Teenager.) We're okay, mom, dad. I'm not sure about the rest of the people here, though.  
Hikaru: I think I'm okay. So is Ryoko, and Izumi is... well, Izumi.  
Kaji: (Getting up from behind the bar.) BOS? Where are the kids from Tokyo-3?  
BOS: Kensuke and Touji are in the Wreck Room. For some odd reason, the Wreck Room seems to have escaped damage. The first Three Children as of now are curled up in a tight ball in a bedroom somewhere in hammerspace. They also are unharmed.  
Akatsuki: Excuse me, can I breathe now?  
Ruri: Oh, sorry, Akatsuki-san. (Moves herself and her 'sister' off of his back.)  
Akatsuki: And what about the other characters from my show?  
BOS: Your show?  
Tsukurou: Your show?  
Ryoko, Izumi, Hikaru, Minato: YOUR SHOW!!???  
Akatsuki: Alright, my co-workers?  
BOS: All of them are safe and sound. You needn't worry about them. What's the matter, bossman, missing your secretary?  
Akatsuki: You know what they say: Good help is-  
BOS: Very expensive and hard to come by?  
[Akatsuki chuckles.]  
  
Evang: Tell me, BOS. What the devil just happened?  
BOS: It is probable that multiple high-power, low-yield explosives were used in this attack.  
Jun: The question is who would want to do this?  
Misato: More importantly, how and why did this occur?  
Jemu: I have a theory on that might answer those questions. I'd like to call it Schrodinger's Space Station.  
Ritsuko: Schordinger's... I think I need to sit down.  
Ai: Your theory being...  
Jemu: All this has happened because of either one or both of the following: a nasty side-effect of not using the OAH device for such a long time, or it's just a plot device to hopefully make the story more interesting.  
  
A comm window pops up, revealing the haggard face of Seiya Uribatake.  
  
Seiya: You are not going to believe this.  
Evang: Try us. What do we have down there, Uri-P?  
Seiya: You can scratch your abduction plans off, people. Your walking piece of antique tank parts is now a jumbled heap of antique tank parts.  
Jemu: Meaning the Terra Walker is totalled? Impossible. Maybe those are Aesti parts lying in a heap, Uri-P.  
Seiya: Why don't y'all come down here an' see fer yerself?  
Jun: Are you turning into a country hick, ol' timer?  
Seiya: Sassy little bugger! Who are you callin' old?  
  
Gendo: Well?  
Fuyutsuki: The... um, station is currently being attended to by the local fire department, sir.  
Gendo: Hmm. Any word on the EVAs or the Children?  
Aoba: None yet sir, but it's almost sure that Unit 02 has its own functional S2 core.  
Gendo: Almost sure?  
  
Aoba turns red from the censure in the Commander's tone. Hyuuga, however, steps in to save his hide.   
  
Hyuuga: Without an active analysis of the power levels and emissions of Unit 02, it is impossible to determine whether its heightened performance is due to an S2 organ or it's just being an EVA. Sir.  
Maya: We are receiving an encoded transmission from the station, sir!  
Fuyutsuki: No need to get overly excited, girl. What does it say?  
Maya: I'm working on it. (Types furiously at her console.) Its a request for a conference with the Commander.  
Gendo: And?  
Maya: Nothing more, sir. It just keeps on repeating the message.  
Gendo: It didn't say private or confidential, Miss Ibuki?  
Maya: No, sir. Just that someone in there wants to talk to you.  
Gendo: I see. Patch it through to my office.  
Maya: Yes, sir.  
Gendo: And Miss Ibuki?  
Maya: Sir?  
Gendo: I am trusting you to not have those two monkeys eavesdrop on this particular conversation.  
Maya: No problem, sir.  
  
Misato: So, now what?  
Jemu: I have a little chat with Mr. Ikari. Chat about old times, do a little catching up, etc., and oh, by the way, congratulations on Unit 02's S2 core, do you mind if I borrow Units 01 and 02 for a little clandestine operation?  
Misato: That's swell. That means you won't mind if we went home for a spell? This has been a fun party, but we do live in another world, so...  
Evang: Oh, go on ahead. (Stage whisper.) That would make the next few scenes so much easier to write. (Turns to face Ai.) I suppose you'll be going with her as well?  
Ai: Well, if it's all right with Rit-chan?  
Ritsuko: Of course.   
Misato: What about Commander Ikari?   
Ritsuko: What about him?  
Misato: You're bringing another brilliant blonde scientist within his firezone?   
Ai: Don't worry about me. In fact, I'd like to see him try. (Smiles like a warrior relishing the prospect of a bloody battle.)  
Jemu: I assume you'll be taking the kids with you? What about all those vultures gathered outside? How will Ikari handle this sort of publicity?  
Misato: Yes, I'll be taking the kids home. Let me handle the PR. It's my job, remember?  
Evang: OK, then. BOS? What's the overall status of the SpaceBar?  
BOS: We are immobilized for the time being. No pulling of huge spaceships through time, space, and reality for a while. Internal hammerspace still works, though.  
  
Meanwhile, in the Main lounge...  
  
Yurika: What am I going to do with the three of you?   
  
She gives an inquiring glance to the three albino girls standing in a row in front of her. All three retrun her gaze, unblinking under the scrutiny.  
  
Akito: (Plopping down on a stool beside Yurika.) We haven't even decided on the naming convention for the little one.   
  
He gives his best I'm-not-handsome-but-girls-still-chase-me smile to little Ruri, who blushes and begins to stare a hole into the floor. Evang chooses this moment to escort the Evangelion cast, with the exception of Kaji, to the "Gateway to the Proper World/Universe."  
  
Evang: That's the toughest part, finding a good name that doesn't sound like a rip-off or a repeat. Excuse me, but I must see these guests to safety. This way please. Kensuke, say goodbye to the three mini-godesses of computing.  
  
Meanwhile, in a faraway place where its denizens may never, ever appear in this series, a young girl sneezes. Loudly.  
  
Keichi: Everything okay in the kitchen, Skuld?  
Skuld: Were you guys talking about me behind my back?  
Beldandy: No, we weren't. Our lips were occupied with something else.  
Skuld: Making out again? Oh well, must be Urd-nee-chan, then.  
  
Evang returns to the lounge, when a hand grabs his shoulder from behind. Turning to see who it was...  
  
Evang: What is it, Akatsuki?  
Akatsuki: Sending us packing already?  
Evang: I'm not sending anyone away. They wanted to enjoy home living for a while, and who am I to deny them?  
Akatsuki: Answer me this, then: where are Ms. Houmei, the Houmei Girls, and Megumi Reinard?  
Evang: (Smiling.) They're in the Music Room, trying to get some work done on their album.   
Akatsuki: And this happened when...?  
Evang: (Grinning.) When the readers were busy slogging through episode 7.  
Akatsuki: Devious. But then again, what did I expect from the puppetmaster of this whole thing?  
Evang: So you know, eh? Who else knows?  
Erina: (Appears behind him.) You never fooled me for a moment.  
Evang: Kuuuurraaaaaaiiiiiisutu!!! (Spins to face her.) Don't scare me like THAT! WHERE did you COME FROM!!!?  
Gort: (Steps forward from behind a potted palm.) Same place I was hiding in.  
Evang: Nyaaaaaahhhhh!! Damn, Akatsuki, you have some weird employees!! I'm expecting Prospector to pop in any time now to complete this set of Four Horsemen.  
  
A comm window appears.  
  
Prospector: Did anyone say my name?  
Evang: I give up! (Facing Prospector.) Where are you, anyway?   
Prospector: Music room. There was no one around to play drums, so... (He shrugs.)  
Evang: I think I need a drink. A large, medicinal dose of vodka.  
Akatsuki: Come on, Erina, we've given the man enough shocks for one episode. Besides, the company must have run itself to the ground now.[Exit]  
Erina: Impossible. I set it up so it could run itself even if you decided to head for a beach and bang your secretary, and still make a tidy profit.  
I can't believe I just said that. [Exits as well.]  
Prospector: If no one needs me... (His comm window closes.)  
Gort: You up for some company while drinking?  
Evang: Whatever.   
  
Evang and Gort head for the bar, now being manned by...  
  
Evang: Tsukurou? You? Tending bar?  
Tsukurou: What'll it be, good customers?  
Evang: Vodka. Large. No pepper.  
Gort: The same.  
Tsukurou: Just a sec. Beer is from the tap, and brandy is brown, or was it whisky...?  
Evang: Why are you stuck with bar duty?  
Tsukurou: Because Gai is busy painting his Aestivalis to match the color schemes of Gekiganger, and Kaji decided he's going to learn how to pilot one because, I quote "All I did in 'the show' was sneak around, screw around and get shot by the woman I love [to screw]", unquote.  
Gort: Virtual Reality simulation room, then.  
Evang: Yup. The Wreck Room, for short.  
Gort: You mean it's not an arcade?  
Evang: It's not your ordinary arcade.  
  
Aoi Jun enters the Main Lounge. He spots the Tenkawas happily discussing something with their children in one corner, sighs, and heads for Tsukurou.   
  
Jun: Hey, everyone. (Takes a stool for himself.)  
Evang: Where have you been, Jun-boy?   
Jun: To the mech bay. It sure was a mess when I got there. Boy, your super ground frame was really scrapped.  
Evang: (Crestfallen.) So it's true, then.  
Seiya: [Walks in.] Yes, and it's unsalvageable, save for the power plant. I still can't believe it. Who'd think that all those old parts would require that much power to move. It makes me want to cry.   
Jun: Say, Shiratori-san, where's your sister?  
Tsukurou: Yukina? I'm grounding her at the DC Apartments until I'm sure that the pervert Akatsuki is out of here. I'm sure she understands, it's my duty as a brother to protect her from sex maniacs of all sorts.  
Jun: I see. (Stands up.) Well, I'm off.   
Gort: Where to?  
Jun: Where? Oh, the Wreck Room, maybe, some place where I can forget my sadness (glances at the corner) and maybe get some... happiness. [Exits.]  
Seiya: (Staring at the door.) These hammerspace corridors take you anywhere on the station, right?  
Evang: (Following his gaze.) Yeah. So?  
Seiya: I think someone in a blue mood is going to get some..... happiness, tonight.  
  
Akito: OK, how about "Chibi-Ruri"?  
Capt. Ruri: No.  
Ruri: No.  
Lapis: (Grinning.) What's wrong with it?  
Yurika: Yeah, I think it's cute.  
Ruri: Baka.  
Capt. Ruri: Baka.  
Akito: (Sighs.) Say, when are you going to get out of the costumes? I think they're really cute on you, but I seem to miss the old look.  
Yurika: So soon?  
Evang: (Calling out from the bar area.) Why don't you just stick her in a white dress and call her "Hime"? That would certainly simplify things.  
Lapis: Because she'd turn out to be my look-alike!  
Ruri: Speak for yourself. I was the original cute little albino computer chip in frilly a dress. And I can sing too.  
Akito: Alright, stop it. We won't go so far out as to deck you out in a dress, but I think the "Hime" part has some merit. So, (turning up the wattage on his smile) how about it, Princess?  
Hime: It's OK. I guess.  
  
Somewhere else aboard the downed station...  
  
Jemu: This all seems unreal, you know. Like, is it everyday that your city gets trashed, and that's the reason why the press isn't swarming over us like giant ants?  
Gendo: Partly. But mostly due to the fact that it was a NERV weapons test that went awry.  
Jemu: Really? Wow.   
Gendo: That's what I'm telling the press. The stupid fools are just sucking it up. It's so nice to be the only source of information. Now, back to our little "Mutual Defense Agreement."  
Jemu: Oh, yes. So, what do you say? You lend me a couple of EVAs, I do my thing, making sure they return safe and unnoticed. In return, you get first crack at unraveling the new technonolgy I was talking about.  
Evang: (Joins in via comm window.) I hate to butt in, but BOS has just informed me that we can't get either the Arbitrator or the Transport for the mission. Looks like we won't have any AT Field support for this run.  
Gendo: Indeed? How long do you intend to squat on our fair city? I'd hate to rebuild then have it all destroyed again when you lift off. Just like the first Super Defense Fortress, AKA the 1-SDF program.  
Jemu: That was the one where they had those flimsy planes that transformed into both power armor and a stupid-looking plane/humanoid hybrid?  
Evang: Hey! Those were good pieces of hardware! Cheap, too.  
Gendo: Cheap being the operative word. And since you cannot guarantee my "non-participation" in this project of yours, I see no reason to agree to this. Goodbye.  
Jemu: Well, that's that.  
Evang: Come down here to the bar. We need to discuss something. The Black Technology will be ours still.   
Jemu: Alright. [Exit.]  
  
Seiya: Say, that reminds me. Where are those three young women who are so thoughtless with their Aesti?  
Evang: Beats me. BOS?  
BOS: Wreck Room, sir.  
Evang: No doubt Kaji's hitting on them.  
BOS: No doubt.  
Tsukurou: What does that Earth phrase mean, to hit on? Is that like, "assault" or something?  
Gort: More like "harass." Though it is not usually frowned upon by women.  
Tsukurou: Hmph. Earth women.  
Gort: You're having..... a relationship with an Earth woman.  
Seiya: Yeah! They're not so bad! Take my wife, for example.  
Evang: (Sarcastic.) The voice of experience speaks. Heed him well.  
  
Seiya opens his mouth to reply, only to shut it as a dejected-looking Jemu enters the Lounge.  
  
Evang: Hey. Don't look so sad, we can still do this. Instead of a duel challenge, we'll just do a raid.  
Jemu: (Flatly.) A raid.  
Evang: Here, Seiya, tell me what you think of these plans. (Hands the mechanic a roll of blueprint.)  
Seiya: (Unfurls the plans and begins drooling.) Transformable?  
Jemu: BOS, mech bay inventory please.  
BOS: You mean the obituary, right? One Terra Walker, one black EVA unit, one SR Guestpenst unit.  
Tsukurou: Sounds like somebody doesn't want ultra-cheesy units hanging around, huh?  
Evang: Hey, you know, you're right.  
Seiya: (Still going over the plans.) Conductive coating? Sounds risky.  
BOS: Some hammerspace power has been restored. Not enough to bring in a ship, but a crateful of supplies is another matter entirely.  
Jemu: Plus there's the hammerspace icebox, where even LCL could be found.  
Seiya: Alright! Where's your workshop? Uh, you do want to build one, right?  
Evang: But of course! Why else would we be showing the plans to a master?  
Seiya: This is going to be so much fun! Lead the way!  
  
Evang leads the excited mechanic out of the lounge. Jemu stands to follow, but catches the look on Shiratori-san's face.  
  
Jemu: Anything wrong?  
Tsukurou: Huh? No. Nothing.   
Jemu: You seemed to be in deep thought.  
Tsukurou: I was just wondering were that young man went.  
Jemu: You mean Jun?  
Tsukurou: Yeah.  
BOS: Does this help matters a bit? (Plays a streaming audio sequence.)  
"Yukina, this is going to feel so good."  
"Jun, no, stop!"  
"Why should I?"  
"Because it's wrong!"  
"But it's what these two are made for. To unite."  
  
Tsukurou turns an interesting shade of red, then white, then livid purple. He leaps over the counter and rushes for the nearest exit to the Dead Characters Apartments, screaming his sister's name. Concerned, Akito and Yurika make their way to the bar to demand some answers.  
  
Yurika: Was that really- what we heard-?  
Akito: Aoi is getting laid? (Gets a whap to his head from Yurika.) Ow.  
Jemu: BOS? Is Aoi Jun getting some..... happiness?  
BOS: Ummm.... maybe...  
Jemu: How about some visual proof?  
BOS: No lemons. Station policy. But here's the audio.  
"Get away from my sister, you lowlife scum."  
"Onii-chan, no!"  
"Minato, how could you have let this happen?"  
"He said that he just wanted to talk with her, and I thought, well, it's just Jun, so I guess it wouldn't hurt at all."  
"It hurt like hell!"  
"Yukina! Your brother doesn't need to know that!"  
"-And all that talk about 'This is going to feel so good!'"  
"You assaulted my defenseless little sister!?"  
"Her? Defenseless? She disintegrated me back in-"  
"I don't want to hear your excuses! The evidence speaks for itself."  
  
Yurika: Oh, no. Yukina...  
Akito: Oh, yeah! Jun, yo' da man! You rock, (pumps his fist in the air) uh! (Receives another whap on the head, and a huge bump grows in seconds.) Ow!!  
  
A few hours later, in the mech bay...  
  
Seiya: Ore wa... TENSAI!!!! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!  
  
Gai steps out from under a tarp.  
  
Gai: But the color is ugly. Gunmetal gray is not a fit color for something that fights and flies in the sky. But not to worry, I shall correct that error! (Brandishes a paintbrush and a can of paint in his hands.)  
Evang: If I know you, it will be painted in lots of blue and black with red and yellow highlights.  
Gai: You don't like that color scheme? But it's so heroic!  
Evang: I want it done mainly in red and white with black, yellow, and blue highlights!  
  
His reply causes Seiya and Gai to fall over sideways.  
  
Jemu: (Walking in.) Hey, don't I get a say in what color it should be? I'm the pilot, after all. And I say it should be all black with a red visor and green highlights.  
Gai: Black is not the color for a true hero! It is the color of darkness, of inherent weakness! Look at Akito, for crying out loud!  
Akito: (Via pop-up window.) What the hell do you mean by that, Daigouji!!?  
Gai: It is the truth! You (points to Evang) and you, (points to Jemu) you agree with me, right?  
Evang: Well, yeah-  
Jemu: But dudes in black always get cool music and entrance scenes. I want cool music and entrance scenes too, dude.  
Gai: You're not helping my case! Hey, old man, what are you doing!  
Seiya: Ending this stupid debate once and for all! (Pulls a switch, plunging the mech bay in total black.)  
Akito: Hey, where did everybody go?  
  
The lights come back on, and the object of their heated debate is now colored mostly white and red.  
  
Evang: YES!!!  
Jemu: The cool entrance and music, gone... (Sobs.)  
Gai: I still say blue, black and red would be better.  
Seiya: Save it for something with launchable fists, Daigouji. (Clears his throat.) Behold, the RFG-3A!  
Akito: RFG-3A? What kind of name is that?  
Seiya: It's the Reconaissance Fighter Gear - Advanced All-terrain Attacker!  
Akito: I still think the name sucks.  
Jemu: So, when do we test-fly this thing?  
Evang: As soon as we get back to 100% operational capability. In other words-  
Jemu: Please be true? (Gets uppercutted into the hangar ceiling for that crack.) Ouch. (Falls back to the floor.) Bummer.  
Evang: AS I WAS SAYING, as soon as we are flight capable once more.  
Seiya: Won't that take too long for the inhabitants of the city we crash landed on?  
Evang: To hell with them. Now that the thing is completed, I'm now seeing to security. I don't want this baby to blow up before we even see it work.  
Seiya: I'll help out, you can count on that. No one's blowing up MY creations on my shift.  
Gai: I just hope none of those white monstrosities attack while we're grounded, not that I'm scared, but I'd rather not fight on the ground.  
  
One week later...  
  
BOS: We're back online, masters. Shall I begin liftoff sequence?  
Jemu: Do that.  
Evang: Great. (Faces his guests gathered before him.) Are you sure you want to help us with this little live fire test flight?  
Akito: Of course.  
Gai: Anything for my fellow Gekiganger fans!  
Akatsuki: If it survives, will you let me mass-produce it?  
Evang: We'll give you the dumbed-down, more customizble version.  
Akatsuki: Ah, well.  
Erina: You're not going to fly against that prototype, are you?  
Akatsuki: I'll just be on standby, if these guys prove too light a threat for you.  
Ryoko: Too light!? Why you- (Is restrained by Izumi and Hikaru.)  
Hikaru: Now, now, Ryoko, save it for the fight.  
Izumi: Better yet, save the prototype from her.  
Seiya: I'll observe everything from here. By the way, whatever inspired you to hook up these three into the computer for extra processing power?  
Yurika: Demonic genius, I'm sure. (Looks worriedly at the girls.) Are you sure you three want to do this?  
Ruri: At least it keeps our little princess from picking a fight with you-know-who.  
Hime: If a fight does break out, it won't be me who started it.  
Lapis: What is that supposed to mean?  
BOS: We have lift-off in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, ZER0!  
  
A shudder rocks the station as it struggles against gravity. The shock waves generated were felt by everyone in Tokyo-3, including...  
  
Gendo: So, they're leaving.  
Fuyutsuki: It appears that way, sir.  
Gendo: Good riddance.  
  
Shinji: What was that?  
Touji: Earthquake?  
Hikari: Calm down, everyone, and remember the drill!  
Kensuke: No, look! Out there!  
  
Shinji's class rushes to the windows and watches the huge length of the SpaceBar as it climbs over the tallest buildings in the city.  
  
Assorted classmates: Ooohh! Aaaahhh! What is that thing? No, don't put your finger there, please!  
Asuka: So the circus is leaving town. That's good, I guess.  
Rei: I have the feeling we will be seeing them again soon enough.  
  
Touji pulls Shinji to a corner of the room to start a whispering session. Kensuke notices this and follows suit, after putting away his camcorder.  
  
Touji: I noticed that those two haven't made one dirty joke yet, and half of the day is gone now. They're not sick, are they?  
Shinji: I honestly don't know. They've been this way since we left the SpaceBar. I mean, Rei not talking to me is normal, as normal as Rei can get, but Asuka not baiting me...  
Kensuke: Maybe having her EVA swallow Angel body parts while she was in it... what do you think?  
Asuka: (Taking Kensuke and Touji by their ears.) I think you guys talk too much. And you call yourself boys!  
Kensuke: Owowowowow let go, Asuka!  
Touji: It's no use, Kensuke! It's the Viking Princess Grip of Doom! Owwww!  
  
Back on the station, the atmosphere is tense.  
  
BOS: We have cleared Tokyo-3 from our area of effect.  
Evang: Prepare for spatial coordinate multi-level dilation.  
Ruri: Baka.  
Hime: Baka.  
Lapis: Baka.  
Yurika: Eh?  
Seiya: They mean it's a bunch of non-sensical scientific sounding words designed to amaze and confuse any idiots who hear it.  
Yurika: Oh, I see. I think. Umm, there's an insult in there somewhere...  
Seiya: Me?! Insult anyone? Nahhh.  
Jemu: SUPEISU JUMPU, GOOOOOO!!!!! (Presses a switch on his console.)  
Jun: Since when did the SpaceBar have a bridge?   
Evang: If you'll notice, this is the war configuration of the main lounge. Only we have to put in extra stuff for our three Mages, or Maguses, or whatever you want to call our resident pint-sized geniusues.  
  
In the Geofront...  
  
Aoba: Massive energy surge detected!  
Hyuuga: Confirmed! It seems to be an EMP!  
Maya: Taking countermeasures now!  
Fuyutsuki: Rather rude parting gift, wouldn't you say?  
  
In a blinding flash of light, the station was gone. Scant seconds later, so was all the electricity in Tokyo-3.  
  
Ritsuko: This had to happen now.  
Misato: At least it isn't Kaji I'm stuck in here with, now.  
Ai: I'll try to get us out of here. (Grabs Misato's and Ritsuko's arms.) It's not working!   
Misato: What isn't? (Looks around for an exit hatch but doesn't find one.) Great. I guess were trapped for the duration. What do we do now?  
Ritsuko: Start stripping. (Shrugs out of her lab gown.)  
  
Ai does the same, and Misato reluctantly sheds her jacket.  
  
Rabid Pervert Fanboys: [Whistles, catcalls, hooting, lewd suggestions.]  
RPF 1: I know how to play a saxophone!  
RPF 2: I got a snake-charmer recording!  
Other RPFs: Add in the music!  
  
The SpaceBar materializes in orbit above the planet, midway between the moon and the Earth.   
  
Ruri: Move command completed. Everything is A-OK.  
Jemu: Do you three remember your tasks?  
Lapis: I'm supposed to keep track of the pilot as he flies and fights.  
Hime: My job is to observe and apprise the others about the unit's performance.  
Ruri: And I'm stuck with making sure nothing fouls up in this live fire exercise.  
Evang: OK, then, let's head down to the hangar to christen the RFG-3A with a more pronounceable name.  
  
The adults gathered make their way out of the room. As soon as all have left...  
  
Hime: We're probably going to be bored witless before this is done.  
BOS: (Creating three comm windows in front of each girl.) Care for a card game?  
  
Down at the hangar, everyone is gathered around the red and white RFG-3A. Evang is holding a bottle of beer in his hand. A St. Michael Light.  
  
Evang: As Captain of this station, I hereby dub this unit, the Zaga-2! (Faces away as he smacks the bottle against the nose of the plane.)  
[Insert applause here, only to be broken by...]  
Akito: Just out of curiosity, what happened to the Zaga-1?  
Evang: The Zaga-1 was a two-seater transformable fighter. It was launched with more pomp and festivity than a Labor Day parade. Hell, even the local recording artists and celebrities were there, with talk of making a war movie using the Zaga-1 and its 'clones'. Everyone was so excited about it, and when some blue-haired pop-idol started singing a themesong for it, the plane experienced some problems. Or maybe the pilot got distracted. Anyway, while trying to transform in mid-flight, the plane and its two pilots exploded in a giant fireball.  
Yurika: (Shocked.) Oh, no.  
Jemu: (Breaking into a sweat.) I don't feel like flying this thing anymore.  
Evang: Still, every cloud has a silver lining, no matter how dark it looks. A valuable lesson was learned that day.  
Gai: And that lesson was?  
Evang: Never, ever, have a blue-haired bimbo share a cockpit with you. Especially if she sings.  
  
He never knew what hit him. Seconds later, a harried Akito Tenkawa was pulling back his wife, trying to prevent her from making the captain of the SpaceBar a permanent part of the floor decoration.  
  
BOS: There seems to be some scuffle going on in the hangar.  
Ruri: Ignore them. They're just being idiots. By the way, I Bolt your Specter.  
Lapis: Counter that.  
Ruri: I see. Okay then, Ruri, do it.  
Hime: Hai. I play Ire of Deities.  
Lapis: I lose life and a card and counter your spell.  
BOS: Good save.  
Lapis: Thanks.  
  
Jemu climbs up the side and into the cockpit of the Zaga-2. After strapping himself in, he runs the diagnostic stock footage for an aircraft and gives the thumbs up sign to his audience. They wave back, and the canopy slides into place, in a manner not unlike of a coffins glass pane.  
  
Jemu: (Sarcastic.) Thanks. I so needed that imagery.  
  
Oh, think nothing of it.  
  
Jemu: (Hitting a switch.) This is Zaga-2 to Texas. All systems are go. We are ready for lift-off.  
  
Hime: Texas?  
Ruri: That's us, little one. (To the window.) Zaga-2, this is Texas, you are cleared for takeoff as soon as those idiots get out of the hangar airlock, over.  
Jemu: Copy that, Texas. (Activates his loudspeakers.) Everyone back into the Main Lounge! This is one show you don't want to miss. Except the pilots who are involved, of course.  
  
The crowd obediently disperses, save for the five Aesti pilots: Akito, Gai, Hikaru, Ryoko, and Izumi. Said pilots head for their respective units and hop in.  
  
Hikaru: Amano Hikaru, ready!  
Ryoko: Subaru Ryoko, good to go!  
Izumi: Ready, and not just for the loony bin.  
Gai: Daigouji Gai, ready to fight!  
Akito: I'm ready as well.  
Ruri: (Appears in a window in each pilot's cokpit.) Stand by as we open the hangar doors. The Zaga-2 will launch first, perform some basic runs, and five minutes later, the weapons test will begin. I must repeat, this is a-  
Yurika: (Pulling Ruri aside and taking her place.) Are you sure you don't want me to sing before you-  
EVERYONE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  
Yurika: (Ready to cry.) You could have just told me nicely, there was no need to shout at me you know. I'm not deaf, I just have big boobs.  
Perverted Fanboys: WE NOTICED!!!  
Evang: You made her cry. Oooh. Hey, who let those fanboys in here? Flush them out into space, BOS!  
BOS: OK. [A lot of human bodies float outside and pop like baloons.]  
Lapis: I find this scene disturbing.  
Hime: And so do I.  
Seiya: She's about to cry again.  
Gort: At least she doesn't cause ice storms when she wails and carries on.  
  
[Insert stock footage of a Veritech launching and looping around the mothership, then insert stock footage of 0G frames launching.]  
  
Jemu: Texas, I noticed something funny going on. (Takes another look at his tactical display.)  
Ruri: What is it, Zaga-2?  
Jemu: I'm facing off against a sentai.  
Evang: Did he say hentai? Where?  
Ruri: Baka.  
Hime: Baka baka.  
Lapis: I refuse to say anything to the same effect to avoid being labeled a no-good, second-rate, trying-hard copycat. (Hurls a small hammer at Evang in an almost off-handed fashion.)  
Evang: (Catches the hammer deftly with the back of his head.) Ouch. (His carcass makes a soft thud as it hits the deck and twitches.)  
  
Gai: We are the Go Tetsu Bushi! (Five Steel Warriors) We have heard your insulting tone, and by the Blue Earth, we shall punish you! (Sends his Aesti headlong toward Jemu, one fist forward while screaming.) GAI......... SUPER........ NAPALM!!!  
Jemu: I was expecting something like this from you, Gai. And since I'm a good guy, I won't let your efforts go unrewarded.   
  
The Zaga-2 changes form, stretching and bending to sprout arms and legs, and a nasty-looking gun in its right hand. In the space of 1 second.  
  
Jemu: Have a helping of blue plasma. I hear it's good for your health.  
  
Gai's Aesti runs headlong into the blue beam, and much to his teammates' surprise, stops dead in its tracks. Little snakelets of blue energy chased each other sporadically on their playground which was Gai's Aestivalis.  
  
Hime: One down.  
Lapis: Pilot's heart rate is higher than normal, but that's nothing to be worried about.  
  
Ryoko: Okay, so it seems that it packs a punch even at long range. Izumi, go get him.  
Izumi: Sure. Would you like that just wrapped, or with a ribbon and a card?  
Ryoko: Just engage it in a shoot-out, will you, while we dodge around, waiting for an opening.  
  
Izumi sighs and trains her rail cannon at the red enemy. She fires a round, and another, and another, all of which the Zaga-2 evaded by transforming into its flyer mode and moving around while firing salvos of 4 rockets. The battlefield is a crazy scene of Aestis dodging rockets, and the Zaga-2 using Gai's paralyzed unit as cover and popping up to shoot.  
  
Hime: Zaga-2 is releasing Seekers.  
Yurika: Eh? What are those?  
Seiya: Devious, is what they are. They're small, mobile mines that launch in pairs. They're capable of damaging targets that are protected by Distortion Fields, provided the field is small.  
Hime: As in the case of the Aestivalis.  
Seiya: Yes.  
Yurika: (Grabbing a headset.) Akito, don't let those anti-distortion mines hit any of you, OK?  
Akito: What the hell kind of advice is that? Do you think anyone of us out here wants to get hit with any of the Zaga-2's attacks?  
Ryoko: Damn these mines to hell! How do you expect us to move with all these crap floating around? (Shoots down a mine that wanders a little too close for her comfort.) Blast!  
Jemu: That's the whole point, my dear: I don't want you moving when I do this.   
  
A pair of cannon barrels sprout from the Zaga-2's shoulders and aim forward, facing the Aestis.  
  
Hime: IFF targeting and analysis completed. Sending fire pattern to battle computer, sent. Turbo Cannons firing at full speed.  
  
A barrage of plasma spheres, each orb leaving a short tail behind it like a comet, flies from the Zaga-2's cannons. At the same time, Jemu hits a switch and detonates all of his seekers. [Insert stock footage of a fleet taking a lot of fire from an enemy fleet. Just replace the big ships with little, mobile, suits.]  
  
Ruri: Distortion fields at 1/3 strength. Auxiliary power is half gone.  
Lapis: Blood pressure is high, and so is the heart beat rate. His fingers are getting... cold?  
Yurika: (To Seiya.) How does she know that?  
Seiya: Don't look at me, I don't want to touch any of that neural linkage stuff. Sounds like some kinky bed routine, if you ask me.  
Hime: Turbo Cannons offline. Zaga-2 is out of seekers and is now arming Sideswiper missiles.  
Lapis: Texas to Zaga-2. We're wondering why your hands are cold.  
Jemu: (Surprised.) You can feel that? (Squeezes the trigger, which fires his Sideswipers.) And now?  
Lapis: Your pulse is twice normal now. Are you sure you're all right?  
Jemu: (Smiles at the Aestis scrambling to avoid his missiles.) Never been better, dear girl. Except maybe if this was a sim. That way, I don't have to worry about accidentally destroying these Aestivalis units.  
Akito: We heard that. Take this! GEKIGAN FLARE!!  
Ryoko: Akito! That move will totally drain your batteries! Don't be rash!  
Izumi: I bet he's just itching to score one for his comrade that got prematurely scratched off.  
Hikaru:(Snapping off a burst of gun fire.) No need to rub it harder, Izumi.  
Izumi: Rub it, and it does grow harder. (Chortles at her lewd joke.)  
  
The pink approaches the red, the pink being surrounded by an aura of sorts. In response, the pink sends the rockets on its left arm at the pink one. Said rockets splatter and explode against the distortion field. Arm now empty of rockets, the pink one assumes a blocking position, the other arm still holding the gun at the ready.   
  
Ryoko: We can't just let him do this alone! Wait up, Ten-  
Hikaru and Izumi: TENKAWA! TENKAWA! TENKAWA! TENKAWA! TENKAWA! TENKAWA!  
  
A red-cheeked Ryoko punches Hikaru into oblivion. She starts to go after Izumi, but decides that she needs her long-range proficiency. Turning back just in time, she manages to see Akito's Distortion Tackle fizzle after encountering the Zaga-2's defensive stance. The aura surrounding the pink Aesti fades, and what appears to be a small star twinkles in Zaga-2's left fist.  
  
Jemu: Out of energy, eh? Well, have some of mine! POINTU BUREIKA PANCHI!  
Akito: Yipe!  
  
The telltale flash of a Class-A Boson jumper doing his dirty deed blinds Ryoko, Izumi, and the others. When it cleared, the pink Aesti was now very close to the SpaceBar.  
  
Evang: Unfortunately for him, we don't generate gravity waves to power Aestivalis units.  
Yurika: (Turns to face him, alarmed.) You don't?!  
Evang: Nope.  
Ruri: Pass the popcorn, please. By the way, BOS, track Miss Amano's Aesti.  
BOS: Roger that. Hey, Uri-P, the Captain would like some popcorn, too.  
Seiya: Oh. Sorry. Here. (Passes the tub.)  
Lapis: So who's winning?  
Hime: Three of five units are out of commission. The remaining two have low power left, and all that has been exhausted are two weapon systems of the Zaga-2. There is some damage to the armor, concentrated on the left forearm of the unit.  
Jemu: Two units left? Time for my shell launcher, then.  
Izumi: Shell launcher? Is he going to shoot poor, hapless oysters at us?  
Ryoko: Why don't you clam up and start shooting?  
  
Zaga-2 holsters its plasma rifle and pulls another gun from its back, this one looking like an oversized M9. Grinning like a maniac, Jemu presses a button on his console and Zaga-2 turns hybrid, looking like a fighter plane from which a pair of legs and arms were attached.  
  
Hime: Zaga-2 has entered its intermediary mode, codenamed "SG" mode.  
Yurika: SG? What does that mean?  
Hime: It stands for "Stupid Goose."  
Lapis: Like some person currently watching this fight.  
Evang: Come on, Seiya, let's not stick around where we aren't wanted.  
Seiya: (Sighing.) It was good while it lasted.  
  
Both men leave the main lounge turned bridge and leave Ruri, little Ruri, and Yurika, especially Yurika, staring dumbly at their backs.  
  
Lapis: Oh, help. (Rolls her eyes toward the ceiling.) Everybody's an idiot.  
Yurika: (Breaks out of her daze.) That was a mean thing to say, Lapis. You made those wonderful people leave with your comment about stupid people.  
  
If BOS had a humanoid body, it would have slapped its forehead in sheer exasperation.  
  
Ruri: I know the feeling, BOS. Believe me, I know. If only we three weren't supposed to break contact with these link nodes for the duration of the fight.  
BOS: (In a mental whisper to her.) It was partly my bad, I think. When your momma asked me for some info as to why most men avoid pop idols like AIDS or something, I showed her a clip of some bimbo named Min Linmei in one of her gigs.  
Ruri: Since when did your syntax structure start to drift toward ebonic, BOS? And why are you doing an Omoikane schtick, too?  
Hime: Are you saying that the video clip is some sort of insidious mind-control weapon?  
BOS: I'm saying dat dat piece o' bitch a-singin' is da baddest thing ta hit the universe since high explosive boob missiles. 'Course, that was a good kind of bad, not like dat bimbo, y'know what I'm sayin', girlie?  
Lapis: Is that like what my dad is so fond of watching, even now? In that case, I know why he and mom married.  
  
The above conversation was carried out in the neural/digital nexus that came into being for this event. Which, of course, left Yurika to wonder why her three wards fell silent all of a sudden.  
  
Yurika: (Walks to where Lapis is and checks her vitals.) There's still a pulse, but... (Repeats the process with the other two.) What's wrong, you three? Talk to me, please.  
Ruri: (Speaking out and scaring Yurika half to death.) Game over, folks.  
  
Surprised out of her wits, Tenkawa Yurika Misumaru collapses daintily to the floor, like a balloon with its air taken out.  
  
BOS: Oh, dear. The poor thing. Should I request the others to return now?   
Ruri: Please do. If we need to get her to sick bay, I know I can't carry her. And these two are practically worthless.  
Lapis: I'm not worthless! (Disengages herself from her station, prompting the younger Ruri to do the same.) Let's see. (Takes off her left glove and covering her IFS tattoo with her hand.) Um, she doesn't have any congenital heart problems or anything, right?  
Ruri: None that we know of. Why?  
Lapis: Because-  
  
Lapis never gets to finish her sentence, as the six pilots saunter through the doors. Upon catching sight of the three children huddled on the floor beside their adoptive mother, chaos ensues.  
  
Akito: What happened? (Rushes over and falls to his knees.) Yurika! Yurika!  
Hikaru: Hey, what's going on over there?  
Izumi: More like, what's happening down there. Heh.  
Gai: What's wrong with the captain? And how did we get here so fast?  
Ryoko: One second we were chilling out in space. The next... Akito, did you...?  
Akito: Huh? I didn't do anything to her, honest.  
Ryoko: Bakemono! I wasn't referring to her I was talking about us!   
  
Ryoko realizes what she said and quickly faces the other pilots.  
  
Ryoko: Dammit, Hikaru, Izumi, I know what you're thinking and it isn't like that! When I said "about us" I didn't mean me and-  
Hikaru & Izumi: TENKAWA?!?!  
Gai: I'm a little confused here...  
Jemu: It's like in the new robot shows where the main character is chasing or is chased by more than one female. You know the type.  
Gai: So, the females are always in a nekketsu mood whenever they see the rival? That's good, right?  
Jemu: So long as they channel all that anger heat toward the enemy. But if there's no enemy, there's always the lead guy...  
Gai: Ahhh. That adds drama to his life, am I right? Marvelous!  
Jemu: More like comedy, but who cares? The more chicks, the better. Look out, Gai!  
  
Jemu steps adroitly to the side. Gai looks up just in time to be trampled by Hikaru and Izumi as they try to outrun the demoness Ryoko. Incidentally, Ryoko also runs over him like a bump on the road, screeching like a harpy all the while.  
  
Ryoko: I meant to ask him if he Jumped all of us here, you idiots! Come back here!  
Hikaru: Do we look like complete imbeciles to you?  
Izumi: I know I look like a chain-smoking, sarcastic yet classy rocker chick, and Hikaru looks like a perky, nerdy, cheerleader girl.   
Hikaru: No, we don't look like total imbeciles.  
  
Jemu walks over to where Gai is sprawled on the floor.  
  
Jemu: You OK?  
Gai: It... hurts.  
Jemu: It probably would have hurt less if they were wearing short skirts. Especially that redhead with glasses. That would have really lessened the pain you're feeling now.   
Gai: Thanks. Thinking about it does make the pain seem more bearable.  
  
They talk some more, conveniently ignoring the now-reawakening Yurika, when Seiya and Evang walk in.  
  
Seiya: Hey, where's the pervert that those three were running away from? (Catches sight of Yurika being helped up.) What happened?  
Yurika: I don't remember. One minute I was checking out the girls, the next thing I knew I'm sitting on the floor. And my heart feels like it just ran 3 miles in a minute.  
Akito: It does?  
Yurika: Here, I bet you can even hear it. (Pulls Akito's head, ear first, to her chest.)  
Akito: (Turning a little bit red.) Oh. Um, I still can't hear it. Maybe if I press my head closer... (Starts moving his head.)  
Hime: Maybe you two should just get a room and work out each other's tension.  
  
Everybody looks at the younger Ruri after she makes this statement.  
  
Hime: Oh, don't mind me. It's just a little girl talking.  
Ruri: It's my fault, actually. I scared Mom by talking all of a sudden that she lost her consciousness.  
Evang: (Flatly.) From surprise.  
Ruri: Hai.  
Evang: Better take her someplace quiet, Tenkawa.  
  
Akito grins like an idiot (or is it a lech?) and scoops his wife into his arms. The others watch as he makes his way out of the main lounge in record time.  
  
Jemu: (Smiling and shaking his head.) So, battle results?  
Ruri: (Smiling smugly.) Results are inconclusive.  
Jemu: What?  
Hime: Zaga-2 is able to pilot well in space conditions, but atmospheric conditions vary greatly. The fact that the last two Aestivalis ran out of power also does not prove that Zaga-2 can defeat them handily. That, and the tactics used by the pilots-  
Gai: You mean it's our fault we lost, you cute little computer chip?!  
Lapis: Put that way, yes. It would have been possible to defeat Zaga-2 if you and Akito did not engage it singly. Also, had pilot Subaru not attacked pilot Hikaru, well, who's to say what could have happened?  
Ruri: All this means that we have to conduct a test in Earth or near-Earth conditions. Also, a gravity wave emitter should be present to provide the Aestivalis with uninterrupted power.  
Seiya: I'm sure the gravity wave emitter could be easily solved. So where will we fight next?  
Gai: Yes, I'm itching for a rematch!  
Evang: We'll see to that. Meanwhile, you guys have the day off.   
Jemu: While we don't.  
Seiya: If you don't mind, I'd like to work on the gravity generator now.  
Evang: Be our guest.  
Gai: And I should see that my teammates haven't killed each other yet. (Heads for the door.) Miss Hikaru, where are you? (Exits.)  
  
The room is empty, save for three little albinos and a couple of hentai self-inserts.  
  
Ruri: Ano...  
Evang: Yes?  
Ruri: I was wondering how the pilots got here so quickly, after finding out that Mom fainted.  
Evang: Oh, that? (Chuckles, and looks at his sidekick, who is valiantly carrying out a conversation with the younger girls.) It's a secret, hidden deep within the SpaceBar. Would you like to see my secret?  
Pervert fanboys: Ooooohhhhh, his "secret." (Guffaws of laughter.)  
Ruri: I should slap you. All of you.  
Pervert fanboys: Yes, mistress, beat us silly! (Lots of lewd laughter.)  
Evang: Look, if you don't trust me, we could take my sidekick along and your sisters as well as we go into the quiet recesses of the station.  
Hime: You wouldn't do anything... strange with us, right?  
Jemu: (Offended.) Do we look like sexual deviants to you?  
Lapis: Should we bother to dignify that with a reponse?  
Jemu: I'll take that as a "Yes, we'll come along willingly and trustingly."  
  
Jemu walks to the center of the main lounge and opens the, no, not the gate, the trapdoor. Ruri pulls her sisters behind her and backs away from the two guys.  
  
Ruri: That's the hammerspace honeymoon suite, right? I knew it.  
Evang: This? Nahh, it's a hammerspace corridor too.  
Lapis: And we're supposed to believe that?  
Jemu: OK, if you don't wanna believe, then you go in first, one at a time. As you walk down the stairs, focus on "the Spacebar's secret."   
Evang: We'll catch up with you later.  
Lapis: How about onee-chan and Ruri come with me first, then you guys one at a time? That way, I can Boson Jump us to safety if you pervs try to do something.  
Jemu: If that's how you want it.  
Evang: Go, then.  
  
The three sisters head down along the stairs.  
  
Lapis: Something just occurred to me.  
Ruri: What?   
Lapis: The procedure to get there, to the secret of the SpaceBar...  
Ruri: What of it?  
Lapis: It strikes me as a little too similar to Boson Jumping.  
Hime: Only the destination can be abstract or unknown too the traveler.  
Ruri: Hmm. That's right.  
  
The stairs stop onto a landing facing a pair of steel doors. Red letters proclaim that the doors are guarding the secret of the SpaceBar.  
  
Ruri: Well, here goes.  
  
Ruri takes a step toward the doors, and stops as the doors begin to open, inch by slow inch. The sight that greets them renders them speechless.   
  
Ruri: It's... undescribable.  
  
Well, not really. A large vault, walls lined with machinery, monitors, and other devices, beckoned to the three. In the center of the room, there sat...  
  
Ruri: A command chair? What's a command chair doing here?  
Hime: Where are our tour guides? Should we go in now or wait for them?  
Lapis: I'm going in. (Takes the few steps necessary to bring her across the threshold.)  
Ruri & Ruri: NOOO!!!  
  
Their attempt to pull Lapis back fails spectacularly, neither one of them having had too much time for physical activities growing up. As such, they stumble on each other and hurtle into Lapis, who also didn't have fast enough reflexes to dodge. (Aren't albinos cute? Imagine a tangle of three.)  
They end up flying across the threshold together and landing in a heap.  
  
All 3: Ouch.  
Ruri: Will you two get off of me? Lapis is no weight at all, but I don't remember weighing that much when I was still on the Nadesico-A.  
Hime: It's all the good food that Akito - um, I can call him Dad, right, even if I have a real dad somewhere? - cooks for us.  
Lapis: Hey, look. (Raising her hands.)  
Ruris: Huh?  
  
They look, and see that...  
  
Ruri: Lapis, why are your hand implants glowing?  
Hime: Not that, but your face too.  
Lapis: I could say the same of your faces. They look like a ship's readouts when it just got hit by a gravity blast.  
  
They take a good hard look at each other.  
  
Ruri: This isn't funny. What is this place?  
  
As if in response, the lights in the room went out, leaving it dark except for where the girls were huddled on the floor. A single shaft of light illuminated the command chair. Lines of silvery light radiated from it, running across the floor, along the walls, onto the ceiling, like a glowing system of roots. The room was bright once more, given light by the strange, yet eerily familiar patterns of lines, lights, and shadows that came from the command chair. The various devices scattered around the room were silhouetted against the gleaming walls. Bewildered, the girls belatedly noticed the rise of the command chair, staring in fascinated horror as it rode atop a huge, similarly patterned, glowing cube.  
  
The children, realizing what the SpaceBar's secret was, and finding themselves right in the middle of it, did the first thing that came to their minds. Their voices rose, then mingled into one soul-rending scream that would have made a banshee proud.  
  
Sadly, no matter how loud their screams were, they went unnoticed, trapped within the bowels of this twisted place. 


	9. Clones, Anyone?

SpaceBar 9: Clones, Anyone?  
by Jemu Nekketsu  
  
DISCLAIMER: Ony BOS, Jemu, and Evang are belong to me. If you recognize the badly OOC characters in here, relax, I don't own them, nor do I intend to claim them as my own. The same goes for the series and series concepts mentioned here. But what the hell, who reads crossovers anyway? BTW, if you recognize where the #324b sentence came from... it's not Square's Front Mission, that's for sure. Also, excerpts of "Human Touch", Gundam X's end theme are here. And what a surprise, I don't own the song or the series that it came from either.  
  
NOTE: You might want to read the story "192X", also by this crazy ficker, to get a more or less prequel feel. You're not required to, though.  
  
SCENE 1. Ichiro Oogami, super-playboy extraordinaire and wanted in two countries for heartbreaking, voyeurism, and borderline pedophilia, is sitting up on a hospital bed. Two self-inserts are also in the room.  
  
Jemu: Welcome to the SpaceBar, Mr. Ogami. We've been expecting you.  
Oogami: Huh? What happened? Ow, my head-! By the way, you're spelling my name wrong.  
Evang: You can tell that, even when we're saying it out loud?  
Oogami: Yeah. Comes with the territory. Although if you dropped an 'O', people might think that I'm a different person. Wait, that's not so bad...  
Jemu: Considering all the people that are after you, or should I say women, I'd say it's worth a try. So, can we call you just Ogami then?  
Ogami: Sure. And if anyone asks, I'm not a pilot.  
Evang: Heh, we've heard THAT ONE before.  
  
The self-inserts chuckle for a bit.  
  
Jemu: But he's got black hair.  
Evang: But it is spiky black hair.  
Ogami: What the hell are you guys talking about? Are you basement queens like the Bara-gumi back at home?  
Jemu: Puedeng sapakin?  
Evang: Huwag, pasipa muna.  
  
They glare at Ogami, as if deciding whether to beat him up or just toss him back to the waiting arms and charms (and harms) of his 'harem.'  
[For those of you who don't read Tagalog, Jemu was asking if he could punch Ogami out. Evang replied "no, not until I've kicked him first."]  
  
Jemu: Back to your question, you passed out, got buried underneath a warehouse and was rescued from a fate worse than death.  
Evang: By yours truly. After promising more than your skirt-chasing soul to your would-be rescuers, if any.  
Jemu: Which sort of means we own you now. (Strikes "Bad Guy Pose #324: Delivering Bad News.)  
Ogami: (Increduluous.) What you say?  
Evang: (Striking "Bad Guy Pose #324b: Restating the Obvious.) All your self are belong to us.  
Ogami: No! I refuse to believe it.  
Evang: Do not struggle. Resisting is futile. BOS, show him.  
BOS: Roger, wilco.  
  
A monitor unfolds from the foot of Ogami's bed. It flickers to life, and begins to show the movie "Ogami's Last Stand."  
  
Jemu: Watch and know the truth. Mwahahahahahahahhahaha! (Gasp!Wheeze!)  
  
Ogami watches in silence, disbelief etched in his features, as what appears to him as a huge, khaki Wakiji systematically took out two pissed off Kagekidan. To readers who have seen/played Sakura Taisen, picture a tank with arms and legs wiping out 13 Koubu within 99 seconds. To previous SpaceBar readers, the walking tank is the Terra Walker*.  
  
Ogami: That was you in that... that monster?   
Evang: Technically. We were there in spirit,-  
Ogami: That won't buy you crap! I want to see it!  
Evang: (In a quiet tone.) I'm afraid that would be impossible.  
Ogami: And why would that be, huh?  
Evang: Because, that machine has been destroyed two episodes ago.* [Play "X-files" intro here.]  
Ogami: Ha! So that means that you really didn't rescue me. You don't 'own' me then, because there's no evidence!  
Jemu: Yes, there is. Deep inside, you know it to be true. Your honor cannot deny it. And you are bound by honor, yes?  
Ogami: I go out on public dates with ten and eleven-year olds. I did one-night stands with my subordinates and then ran like crazy. How much honor does that look like?  
Jemu: Oh, I hoped it would not come to this. Please get dressed, and follow us. We shall convince you yet.   
Ogami: I doubt it. (Starts removing the PJs he was wearing and pulling on his own clothes.)  
BOS: If I might intrude, sirs?  
Ogami: Who was that?  
Jemu: That was BOS, the heart and soul of our... base, you might say.  
Ogami: A living machine, huh? I got it. Kinda like the Koubu.  
BOS: SIR! How dare you compare me to those... those... (expletives deleted)! I am a prototype artificial intelligence nexus!  
Evang: He can be a real PAIN at times. But that's why we love him.  
BOS: Speaking of pain, somebody realy should get Ruri, Ruriruri, and Lapis out of the Boson Jump Control Box before the merger becomes permanent.  
Jemu: They're what!?  
BOS: Didn't you know? You told them to go to the secret of the SpaceBar! Heven't you been wondering where they have been all this time?  
Evang: We were about to go look for them, but we heard a plea for help reaching through time and space.  
Jemu: Not to mention series/realities. (Giving Ogami a pointed look.)  
Ogami: Hey, I didn't ask you guys to rescue me, I asked for a miracle. So don't go around saying that you didn't do so and so because of me. I could have taken care of things back there, without your help.  
Evang: Spoken like a true baka. Jemu, you're the techno-guy, you rescue the girls.   
Jemu: Hai. But what will you be doing, eh?  
Evang: I'm gonna give our skeptic friend here a little culture shock.  
Ogami: Bring it on. (The three men leave the hospital room.)  
  
SCENE 2. The hangar. All traces of the explosions were wiped clean. The brand-new, shiny Zaga-2 is being given a check-up by the one, the only Uri-P when Ogami and Evang walk in.  
  
Seiya: Hey, psychoman, that antique you just brought in is in real bad shape. It's a wonder it didn't fall apart when you brought it here. And how did you do it? The Zaga-2 was here all along, and that design is heavy.  
Evang: I'm a psioinic, remember? Not to mention an elementalist mage. Oh, this is Ogami Ichiro. Ogami, this is Seiya Uribatake, genius inventor. You can call him Uri-P for short.  
  
Seiya and Ogami shake hands.  
  
Uri-P: So, hiding from the wife?  
Ogami: What! What wife!?  
Uri-P: Ah, come on, son, I know the look of a man who's hiding and running away from his women. I've seen a lot of that go around here.  
Ogami: I'm not married!  
Uri-P: You ought to. Say, you didn't come down here for a birds-and-bees talk, right?  
Evang: That antique you just lambasted was his power armor, Uri-P.  
Uri-P: Sou ka? If you want it fixed up, you better help me then. It's the first time I've seen anything so old be called a power suit. What does it run on, diesel-gas mixture?  
Ogami: Ryoshi crystal, willpower, and steam.  
Uri-P: This might be interesting, after all. Follow me.  
  
Meanwhile, in the depths of hammerspace...  
  
PA: IDENTITY VERIFICATION REQUIRED.  
Jemu: I didn't know it had this. Fine. I am Jemu, techmage, bartender, and I command you: OPEN THE GATE!  
PA: Voice pattern recognized. Identity verified. Welcome, Jemu.  
  
The steel doors slide open, revealing the shining room inside.  
  
Jemu: Holy shit! Girls! Don't give in! Fight it! FIGHT IT!  
BOS: (Somewhat subdued.) You sound like you should be in a tuxedo and carrying a cane and roses.  
Jemu: Shut up and help me. How do I get them out of here?  
BOS: Try sitting in the command chair.  
Jemu: That might work. (Runs into the room, pausing to gaze at the "petrified" children before continuing.) Hang on, babies, your parents will drown my joint in saline solution or my blood if you don't, so please.  
  
Hopping into the chair, Jemu jacks in into the cybernetic maze. For what seemed to be hours to him, but in reality only minutes, he sat there in a trance. His breathing suddenly becomes labored, and with a sudden lurch he throws himself off the chair, hitting the floor and convulsing.  
  
BOS: Nekketsu-san, daijobu? Jemu? Jemu!  
Jemu: Whis....whisp.....  
BOS: What is it?   
Jemu: Whispered. We need.... whi.... (Blacks out.)  
BOS: Fuck.  
  
The DCA. Home to some rather interesting characters, dead and alive. It is here that BOS speeds his consciousness to, hoping to find some help. Fortunately, he does. He quickly splits among the different apartmens.  
BOS: (In a lot of mobile windows.) Everyone, we have a problem.  
Gai: I'm in the middle of watching Gekiganger V!  
Kaji: Are there children watching? I'm in the shower, you know.  
BOS: That's just it! The children are in trouble!  
Akito and Yurika: They are!? Where are they?  
BOS: They're in the hammerspace node corresponding to the thought form "the heart of the SpaceBar." But you can't help them now. The Artifact has them!  
Yurika: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
Akito: How did that happen?  
Gai: What Artifact? And why is it capitalized?  
Minato: (Sleepily, from under the sheets.) I thought we'd seen the last of that thing once and for all.  
Tsukurou: What was that, sweetheart?  
Yukina: The Boson Jump Control Center is here?  
Jun: No way!!!  
BOS: Way! Anyhow, Jemu tried to pull the three free formit, and ended up twitching on the floor before passing out. He's stable, as far as I can tell. But hey, I'm no tricorder.  
Akatsuki: And so this means...  
BOS: We have a crisis, people, and I'd like all of us to meet in the "Command Center" ASAP. Hurry, we don't have much time.  
Kaji: Um, can I shave first?  
  
Back at the hangar, the repairs are done.  
  
Evang: So, what did I tell you, Ogami? The thing you watched wasn't manufactured. It wasn't scripted. You were there.  
Ogami: I hate to admit, but it looks like you did rescue me with your imaginary Wakiji.  
Uri-P: Clear! I'll give it some steam now!  
Evang: It wasn't imaginary. Dammit!  
  
They succeed in getting Ogami's Koubu to move. It takes a few steps, turns left and right, and jumps once. It lands perfectly.  
  
Ogami: Looks good. Your reputation is deserved, Uri-P.  
Uri-P: Thanks. Hey, wait a sec, which reputation?  
BOS: Attention pertinent people. War meeting in "Command Center" ASAP. Attendance mandatory. BOS, out.  
Evang: "War meeting"? We have planning sessions, not war meetings. I wonder what's going on.  
Uri-P: Why don't we all go and find out? And since it does sound urgent, why don't you come along, Ogami. You look like you know a thing or two about strategy.  
Ogami: (Stepping out after returning his Koubu to the wall.) What makes you say that?  
Uri-P: How do I say this? You have 'military' stamped all over your face, kid. Just like that Jun Aoi. Although he looks like a good boy, compared to you. Yes, sir.  
Ogami: Meaning I look like a-  
Evang: Let's finish this later. Come on, slave, we have a war meeting to attend.  
Ogami: I'm not your slave! (They exit and head for the hangar.)  
  
Scene 3. The Main Lounge aka "Command Center" was packed with people once more, but for once the mood was not a light one.  
BOS: Thanks to you gentlemen for carrying Jemu-san into the infirmary. (The door admits Uri-P, Evang, and Ogami into the room.) Ah, you're here. Everyone, the newcomer is Ensign Oogami Ichirou from the Navy. For the duration of his stay here, please refer to him as Ensign or Ogami.   
Ogami: Hello everyone. Can somebody please fill me in on the situation?  
Erina: Simply put, we need to abduct one of two people who can free the children trapped in this device we'll henceforth refer to as the Artifact.   
Ogami: Hold on. Abduct? As in take forcefully, without permission or consent of the person?  
Akatsuki: What are you, a walking dictionary?  
BOS: People, please. Now, we know where the targets are. What we're stuck on is how do we extricate one or both of them? Zaga-2 has just been tested for space combat. Ensign, your opinion?  
Ogami: I have no idea of what forces you have, but it seems prudent to know the layout of the AO.  
Ryoko: AO?   
Ogami: That's area of operations, Miss-  
Hikaru: Subaru. She's Subaru Ryoko, single, hot-headed, good in close quarters...  
  
After getting flooded with rather comprehensive introductions on everyone present, Ogami's head was reeling. But he managed to keep it in check and remember all the names correctly. Amazing.  
  
Ogami: Takes practice, Mr. Narrator. You'd need a good memorization style if you run into as many women as I do.  
  
Or run away from. Snicker. Snicker.  
  
Ogami: I heard that.  
Izumi: I wanted that line. Damn.  
  
Tough luck, Izumi. You've lost your timing, and your comments' wit have dipped into an all-time low.  
  
Izumi: Yeah. you could say I'm out of sink.  
  
Aaaargh! I take it back. Welcome back, cigarette-case.  
  
BOS: Do you mind? I've got a fanfic to attend to!  
  
Sorry.  
  
BOS: Sheesh. Okay, satellite surveillance coming up. (Brings up a window.) Oh, by the way here's what we have on board. (Brings up another window, with the following information:)  
I-N-TA-MI-SHI-O-N  
UNIT NAME-PILOT/CAN BE PILOTED BY-REMARKS  
Gekiganger (Aestivalis) - Yamada Jiro - ("It's Daigouji Gai!")  
Aestivalis (6) - Jun, Hikaru, Ryoko, Izumi, Akatsuki, Yurika-- YURIKA?!?!?"  
Black Sarena(Pink) - Akito - KICK ASS PILOT  
ZAGA-2 - Evang - Unknown planetary performance.  
Gekigan Type Daitetsujin - Tsukurou - "Eat your heart out, Gai."  
White F2 Koubu- Ogami - Land use only.  
Ghost of Terra Walker - ??? - ???  
  
Ogami: Ghost of Terra Walker?   
BOS: You got a problem with that name?  
Ogami: Why not just call it Ghost Walker for short?  
Evang: Good idea.  
Ogami: According to this, the AO is the dock area to the school and the apartments residential area?  
BOS: DO try to keep collateral damage as minimum as possible. AS IN NONE.  
Ogami: No collateral damage. Oh, well, I guess we need a distraction - wait a minute, what do you mean "Unknown planetary performance"? Where did you test it then?  
Akito: In outer space.   
Ogami: Nanda?  
Gai: Out here, among the stars! Take a look! (Parts a curtain.)  
Ogami: Eeeeehhhhhhhhhhh???  
Izumi: (Noticing Ogami's discomfort.) Look, there's China, and that snaking line is the Great Wall. And there's Japan, and in a few minutes, Europe will come into view. Out of this world, isn't it?  
Ogami: This means- We really are- I hate to ask, what is the date today?  
Evang: We're currently in 20th century time-space. 1995, I think, January 22nd.  
Ogami: 1995... Seventy-five years...  
BOS: Um, I think we shouldn't have said that much. He's going into shock, it seems.  
Gort: (Reaching out to clasp Ogami's shoulder and turning him around.) Ensign Ogami, snap out of it!  
Izumi: Earth to Ogami, come in, please. Hehehehe!  
Evang: (Sigh.) You leave me with no choice. (Walks around Ogami, who is still staring out into space, and pokes both index fingers in Ogami's sides, just under the ribs.)  
Ogami: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa think I'm alright now. As I was saying, we need a distraction in the harbor. If the person is as important as you say he is, the first thing they'll do is protect him. Those things are powered armor, right?  
BOS: Actually, both targets are young teenage girls. One is studying, and the other one is the captain of the ship in the harbor. And yes, those things are powered armor, called Armor Slaves.  
Ogami: I can see it now. We stage a diversionary attack, as the first target flees to safety, a second team goes after her. Failing that, we break away and head for the other target. But couldn't we just go for the one in the school and forget about the dock?  
BOS: The one in school might not prove to be capable. The one in the ship is more capable in her special abilities, but is heavily guarded, as you can see.  
Ogami: Can't we negotiate, or something?  
Yurika: We wouldn't be having this war meeting if it were.  
Ogami: Oh, yeah, silly me. OK, you heard my suggestion. Time to flesh out the details. #1: Diversion team?  
Akatsuki: The Aestivalis will be the Distraction.  
Tsukurou: That's a cushy job.  
  
As the two argue, Ogami is looking over the specs of all the units and pilots available to him. This feels good, he thinks to himself. Give me a complex military operation anyday over a weekend of demon-hunting or girl-evading.  
  
Ogami: Your untested unit...  
Evang: What of it?  
Ogami: Now would be a good time to do so, don't you think? In environs that it might possibly be used in. And why does it say in this note, 'Henkei'?  
Evang: Because it does. It can fly in the air, cruise along the ground or hike through uneven terrain if necessary.  
Ogami: Ah. An airship, that changes into a Koubu and back? That's new. OK, people listen up!  
  
Everyone turns to face him, each sensing something important is about to be said.  
  
Ogami: Here's the plan. Zaga-2 will act as decoy, drawing fire. Once the first target is moving, some Aestivalis will cover Zaga-2 as it goes after the escape vehicle OR if something screws up with it. If Zaga-2 is downed, the priority is to get it back to HQ ASAP. Wait a sec, how are we supposed to know what the targets look like?  
BOS: That's what I was waiting for anyone to ask. (Shows the pictures of the girls, as well as information, in another window.) Oh yeah, watch out for this guy if you're attacking the school. (Shows a boy's face and profile.)  
Ogami: Meanwhile, the Daitetsujin and I will cover the school. RP at the schoolgrounds for maximum fear effect, or something. We do have that blue circle of light as a reusable resource, correct?  
BOS: Yeah, we do. I almost forgot that they wouldn't survive Boson Jumping without a Class A jumper- what am I saying, Boson Jumping is crazy now that the Artifact is- (Breaks off as Yurika swallows a sob.) Sorry. It must be hard on you and Akito as parents.  
Ogami: You still have to tell me what manner of mess their children are in.  
Evang: They were caught in a sort of teleportation control device. The device, you may say it's alive, doesn't want to let go. Yurika was captured by it once, but was freed. If a powerful teleporter or Boson Jumper is "attached" to it, and used for war, the results would be horrendous.  
Akito: Imagine armor popping in at precise locations instantaneously. Warheads reaching their destination without being shot down. The ultimate surprise attacks.  
Akatsuki: Well, at least with the three inside, it would refuse any such attempts to use it, right?  
Gort: It does run the risk of permanent adhesion to the Artifact.  
Erina: Is that sacrifice really worth it? It seems to me that it's safe enouhg where it is right now, where almost no one can access it.  
Evang: By 'no one', I hope you're not talking about the saboteur who managed to get on board and blow up the mech bay.  
  
Now, that shut everybody up.  
  
Ogami: Sorry I asked. The important thing is to get those children out fast so that we can return our would-be captives faster. You've heard the plan. Let's go!  
  
Scene 4. Tokyo Harbor. The Tuatha de Danan is undergoing repairs from its last outing. A squad of M9s are standing guard around it and along the perimeter of the harbor area. Inside, Teletha Tesstalossa and Andrey Kalinin are talking quietly.  
  
Tessa: It's final. I'm going to ask for some leave time and experience life as a sixteen-year old. I'll leave Dana to you; I'm sure you'll take good care of her while I'm gone.  
Andrey: (Reading her letter.) You do realize that your leave coincides with the start of school?  
Tessa: It does?  
Andrey: You're not fooling me for a moment, Tessa. I wonder how they'll react when they find out- speaking of which, where will you stay?  
Tessa: I'm sure Sousuke wouldn't mind-  
Andrey: That is preposterous! A ranking officer should not be seen behaving improperly, even if she's on leave!   
Tessa: To hell with propriety! I'm not an officer when I leave, I'll be a sixteen-year old girl!  
Andrey: That doesn't mean you ought to be sleeping in some guy's apartment, no matter how much I respect him! Sousuke's just 17, you know, and did you forget about Kaname Chidori?  
Tessa: She stays in her own apartment, doesn't she?  
Andrey: And drops in on Sousuke every so often!   
Tessa: You're not my father, Major Kalinin.  
Andrey: For that I am thankful.  
  
This nice "father-daughter" talk would have gone on and on. Fortunately, a siege is scheduled to take place. They don't know it, of course.  
  
Radar officer: I've got something inbound! Flyer, unknown radar sig!  
Tessa: Heading?  
RO: Right at us!  
Crewman: We have missiles closing in! Distance, 1000 meters!  
Andrey: Alert the guards and service crew! Maintain defensive stance around the dock!  
Tessa: Do we have a visual?  
  
A loud explosion rocks the submarine as the monitor reveals the Armor Slaves diving for cover.  
  
Andrey: A bombing run. How did they find us?  
Tessa: Who knows? Probably another Mithril employee who's not too happy with his payroll.  
Andrey: I wonder what they want. (His gaze falls on Tessa.) I wonder...  
Tessa: Gaul is dead! You were there, weren't you?  
Andrey: Gaul isn't the only one out there. Anyway, we can't stay here.  
Crewman: Hey, look! It's touching down!  
Andrey: All AS! Fire at the target!  
  
Outside...  
  
Evang: Shimatta! What's wrong now? I'm losing altitude, and I'm hit! I'm hit! Aestivalis, I need some cover here!  
Akito: Roger, Zaga-2, I'm on my way.  
Gai: Feels like old times. Aaaaahhh! Come along, Jun!  
Jun: Do I really have to?  
  
The Zaga-2 just lowers itself to bring its legs and arms out. Smoke is streaming from its fuselage, but it still stands upright.  
  
Evang: Hope you guys don't mind getting used as a wall. (Launches rockets at the Armor Slaves from behind the Aestis.)  
Jun: These AS are equipped with energy weapons, right?  
Evang: No! They have oversized shotguns and submachineguns and rifles!  
Jun: They WHAT?!  
Akito: Heads up! We got air trouble!  
Gai: I'll take care of those! You two hold it down here.  
  
Gai is back in the air, engaging a trio of assault helicopters and drawing them away from the docks. The Aestis and Zaga-2 continue the firefight.   
  
Jun: More choppers! I think they've got some armor with them too!  
Akito: We're getting swamped here! We could use more back-up! Aaarghhh!  
  
Akito's Aesti crashes into the ground as a well-placed, well-timed bullet hits him in the back.  
  
Yurika: AKITO!!!  
Ryoko: Tenkawa!!  
Izumi: Anybody know his middle name?  
Hikaru: That's our cue! Here come the cavalry!  
Ryoko: You make any horse jokes and I'll kill you!  
Evang: They seem to have caught on to our plan and they're not moving the target. I'm going to have to close in! Ouch, those shotguns really hurt!!!  
Jun: EVANG! Zaga-2 is downed! Subaru-san, where are you?  
Ryoko: We're north of you, keeping more of these grunts from coming in! Damn, I hate city fights!  
Hikaru: Yeah, there's no room to dash around in!   
Izumi: I don't know, it works for me. (Pops from behind a building and snipes a chopper carrying an AS. It explodes, and the AS does not survive the fall.)  
Yurika: Could someone tell those choppers not to move too fast? I'm getting dizzy here.  
Ryoko: Did she say she was going ditzy?  
Hikaru: We already knew that. Five years in that Artifact didn't change a thing, so why should five minutes in combat?  
Evang: Hey, champion womanizer, get over here!  
Ogami: I'm in position at the school, baka. I'm staking out the place.  
Akatsuki: He means me. And that's ex-champion womanizer!  
  
Akatsuki flies in, his custom unit and weapons balancing out the expertise of the M9 soldiers. One by one, the AS are forced out of their hiding places and are promptly shot down by Jun.  
  
Jun: Must protect Tenkawa! Must not make Yurika cry! Ouch!!! Must also return to Yukina!!! MUST NOT DIE!  
Gai: No one's going to die! We are heroes! We are the main cast!  
Evang: Somehow (Pushes the Zaga-2 to its feet, now in Soldier mode.) that doesn't seem to reassure me. X-ray scan reveals that she is- hello, there!  
  
Zaga-2 builds up energy in its left fist and drives it through the reinforced hull. It makes a nice, big hole, almost crushing Andrey and Tessa in the process. It doesn't though, but instead drives them apart.  
  
Andrey: Kanchou, daijobu?  
Tessa: Hai. What about you?  
  
Dropping its rifle, Zaga-2 takes hold of both sides of the hole and pulls it wider, the creaking metal painful to be heard.  
  
Evang: Gyaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!  
Jun: Look, a missile launch!  
Gai: Wow, that's a huge one! Bigger than Gekigan Missiles! I'm not touching that one.  
Akatsuki: You're a mess, Tenkawa.  
Akito: This sucks.  
  
Meanwhile at the school, Kaname was getting real cozy-like, leaning over Sousuke's shoulder as she walked him through a history textbook.  
  
Kaname: And in 1944, a couple of cities were- Hey, what's continuous beeping sound?  
Sousuke: You can hear it? It means that the Arbalest has been launched toward me. I've got to get out of here, or else the building will get in the way.  
Kaname: Come on, the soccer field is empty! This way!  
  
The two make a run for it, all the while being observed by someone in a white, cheap Dumbine rip-off.  
  
Ogami: They are moving. The spirit radar can still follow them. Are you reading this, Tsukurou?  
Tsukurou: Just give the word and I'll be coming down like a thunderstorm.  
Ogami: All teams report in!  
Yurika: This isn't fun at all!  
Ryoko: It isn't supposed to be!  
Akatsuki: Harbor secured. We're just opening a can here- wait-  
Evang: Package secured! Ogami, be on the lookout for a white power armor that will be dropping in near your location.  
Ogami: Don't worry, I'll have Daitetsujin drop in to confront it. While it's distracted, I'll grab the girl.  
Tsukurou: That's your expertise, right? Grabbing girls.  
Akatsuki: I want that job. If only my secretary wouldn't find out or kill me if she does find out.  
Akito: Oooohhh. Juicy gossip. Tell some more.  
Akatsuki: What can I say? She's a demon in the sack.  
Hikaru: Instead of gossiping, help us out here, will you?  
Izumi: It's raining men over here. Just what you "girls" like, eh?  
Akito: Actually, that's Gai's schtick.  
Gai: Explain yourself, fry-boy!!!  
Akito: I meant you want lots of enemies to fight off, so go there!  
Gai: Ah, yes, a chance to show-off in front of the beautiful Miss Hikaru! Go go Gekigan Booster!!!  
  
Gai flies off in his Aesti to assist the beleaguered women. A blue portal opens on the docks, and Akito's Aesti is thrown in by Jun and Akatsuki.  
  
Akatsuki: Oi, aren't you going to send her in as well?  
Evang: We're better off heading for the school and assisting Ogami and Shiratori. I've seen what that Arbalest can do.  
Jun: But you run the risk of losing the captive if you continue. Your Zaga-2 doesn't seem to be unscathed either.  
Evang: In that case, here, Akatsuki. (Passes Tessa to the Nergal prez.) Be a gentleman and escort her back to the SpaceBar. And no funny business, do you hear me? Jun, let's go.  
Jun: I'd rather go help out Yamada-san.  
Gai: (With a loud scream from halfway across the city.) IT'S DAIGOUJI GAI!! THAT IS THE TRUE NAME OF MY SOUL!!!  
Evang: Suit yourself. Bye bye.  
  
Evang enters Hybrid mode and speeds off. Jun also flies off in Gai's direction, leaving Akatsuki and the captive behind.  
  
Akatsuki: My, but aren't you a pretty one. Sorry about the suits, but we had the feeling you wouldn't come peacably.  
Tessa: What is it you want with me?  
Akatsuki: Actually, it's not just you we're after. You also have a friend, another girl I believe has the same powers as you. Although you look nothing more to me than a pretty 16-year old girl.  
Tessa: [Thinking] Oh no, does he mean... I must warn her then. Chidori-san, be careful, they're out to get you as well.  
Akatsuki: Anyway, in we go through this blue circle of light. We can wait for your friend on the other side, hmm?  
  
Kurz: I have a shot...  
Melissa: No. If you hit him, he might drop the Captain.  
Kurz: You heard what he said, he'll be taking her somewhere! And I'm betting that the 'other girl' is Kaname-chan - hey! Where are you going?!  
Melissa: I'd like to see where this guy is taking her. So I'm going in, whether you decide to come along or not is your decision. I've made mine.  
Kurz: (cursing in German) Thank heavens for the cloaking technology on our M9 Armor Slaves.  
  
WARNING! WARNING! UNIDENTIFIED MILITARY HARDWARE DETECTED!  
  
BOS: Let's see. Evang is still out there, Akatsuki, hasn't brought the captive in yet, only Akito's here, then. Hmm............................... that's it, we're bloody dead.  
  
Meanwhile back at the soccer field, the Arbalest and Daitetsujin were duking it out in old-school hand-to-hand robo combat. Daitetsujin is getting the short end of the stick, however, as its attacks just bounce off its Lambda Drive-generated shield.  
  
Sousuke: [Thinking] What kind of enemy is this? It looks like one of those super robots from that strategy game Kaname taught me how to play. Its arms even come off and shoot themselves at me!  
Tsukurou: [Thinking] I must keep the innocents from harm, but I cannot allow myself to fall back without even scratching this foe! I must try this out, even once! [Aloud] GEKIGAN BIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMUU!  
Ogami: [Watching from the sidelines] What the hell? Such power!  
Sousuke: [Thinking] High-powered chest-mounted energy weapons? Now this is really freaky. Really just like the game.  
  
Due to that last train of thought, the Lambda Drive fluctuates a little. The Arbalest catches the gravity blast and is pushed back, meter by precious meter. It stops sliding, then starts again.  
  
Ogami: [Thinking] It's busy now! Never have I seen something that big move that fast! CHANCE!! (Blasts off toward the fray. Rather, toward Kaname.)  
Kaname: SOUSUKE!! FIGHT BACK! YOU CAN DO IT! [Hears a sound and turns] What in the world-!?  
Ogami: Hey, there, cutie, you're coming with me! (Takes Kaname and speeds away.) Ogami to all units! Fall back! We have the second one! BOS, we are ready for extraction at RP!  
BOS: We have a problem, people! We've been infiltrated by a couple of stealth units. I don't want to risk a portal, you might end up getting shot in the back.  
Ogami: What do you mean? What the hell do we do now? [Turns his attention to the built-in kinematron inside his F2 Koubu.] Holy flames! Daitetsujin is down. I repeat, Daitetsujin is down!  
  
Missiles streak in and splatter against the Arbalest. Turning to face the source, it fires its shotgun at the red and white intruder.  
  
Evang: BOS, eject the hammerspace node where the M9s are.  
BOS: Say what? You can't be serious! Hammerspace is our power source, and you want us to eject more than 10% of it?  
Evang: I'd rather have a small, clean house than a huge rat-infested one.  
BOS: Alright. On your head be it. Ejecting hammerspace fragement, now!  
  
A blinding glow surrounds the SpaceBar. When it recedes, the SpaceBar was still there, although a good 500 meters shorter. A similar glow appears on the harbor.  
  
Akatsuki: What's going on?  
BOS: Akatsuki, get out of there NOW! A pair of stealth AS are inbound for your location. GO!  
Akatsuki: You don't have to tell me twice! Proceeding to Rendezvous Point.  
  
Inside the cockpit of a still unknown unit, a tactical screen shows the positions and status of the different units involved in the fight. On yet another, the names of the units and their structural integrity and energy levels are shown. The Aestivalis were holding out well, even Yurika, but their power was dangerously low. Meanwhile, an unstoppable Arbalest was chasing down Ogami's Koubu and a damaged Zaga-2. Two blinking blips, representing stealth units, were making their way after Akatsuki and Tessa.  
"This looks bad," an unknown voice, presumably the pilot, said. "Time to mop this place up. Or rather, MAP this place up." Flipping a switch, he engaged a weapons system and selected some points. A few seconds later, nearly a hundred missiles were seen on the radar, leaving very thick smoke trails visible to anyone that wasn't blind.  
  
Hikaru: How much longer is this going to take?  
Yurika: My battery's almost dead!  
Izumi: If we dry up, we'll be like those batteries too!  
Ryoko: Daigouji, conserve your power! No more ramming those things!  
Gai: No worry! Hey, what's this flashing on my control panel?  
  
Each of the pilots took a look at their flashing screens.  
  
Jun: Missiles inbound? Who could it be?  
Yurika: Don't panic, everybody! Those are not targeting us!  
Ryoko: She's right!  
Gai: Ano, look behind you!  
  
They do, and gasp.   
  
Yurika: Isn't that-?  
Jun: But wasn't it-?  
Izumi: (Bringing out her ukulele and starting to chant.) We will pray for your tormented soul/ But right now please save our hides/ Ayayayaaaaaaaa!  
Hikaru: I wonder who's piloting it, then. Are there really such things as ghosts? Gai, you don't seem at all shocked at this.  
Gai: It's no biggie. I mean, I'm back from the dead, right? What's to stop a 20-meter war machine from doing the same?  
Ryoko: Put that way, it makes eerily perfect sense.  
  
A blue circle appears in the sky above them, being visible because it's much darker and swirls like a whirlpool. The Ghost Walker aims its cannon toward the dug-in AS, and energy begins to gather on the tip.  
  
???: Get behind me or risk dying. If you can, fly toward the gate.  
Gai: What gate? You mean that blue swirly thing? Who are you anyway?  
???: I am someone you all know, someone who has come to help. Hurry now, before they figure out that the energy cannon is just a dud.  
Jun: Psychological warfare, huh? Who am I to complain? Um, you don't mind if we use your unit as a stepladder, right?   
  
In response, the Ghost Walker grabs Jun and hurls him into the gate.  
  
Jun: I guess you do mind. Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!  
???: When you step through, it's like hammerspace. Just think of your destination and you're there. Now who's next?  
  
One by one, the Aestis are hurled into the vortex. The army AS decided that the light show was just that, and commenced shooting at the rescue operation. To complicate matters further, Akatsuki comes jumping in from building to building, and Ogami and Evang wheel in as well, a pissed- off Sagara Sousuke in hot pursuit.  
  
???: Ogami, approach me, immediately! I will help get you out of here!  
Ogami: Ayiiiii! Aren't you the ghost of the dead machine?  
???: No time for questions! You too, Akatsuki, the captives must be sent to safety! The gate is a hammerspace crack! Instruct Ogami to use it, and take the girls as well!  
Evang: Yeah, go ahead! We'll hold them off, or rather, I'll try to hold off this angry boyfriend. He seems displeased that we borrowed both of his girls simultaneously, and without asking permission to boot.  
  
A lot can happen in one minute. Two small mecha can be hurled into the air, an automatic shotgun can be emptied into a couple of enemies, an entire armored division taken out by just one energy blast, a transformable can explode, and a white mobile suit equipped with Black Technology can disappear into God-knows-where by super-jumping into a blue circle of light and energy.  
  
Scene 5. The mech bay/hangar. The atmosphere is tense, as it's Ogami in his cute little white Koubu facing down Sousuke who is currently out of the Arbalest. With good reason, as Akatsuki is holding a gun to Tessa's back. Somewhat drained from teleporting away form certain death, the local red mage settles for a knife and uses it to keep Kaname from trying anything stupid. The captives are quite a distance from the face-off, out of respect for Sousuke's in-fighting abilities, and as a final precaution, Gort is covering the whole setup with a submachine gun. Everyone else in the last mission was standing near the door, ready to block passage.  
  
Ogami: You might be wondering why we took your girlfriends. In your place, I'd be wondering too. Rest assured, though, that no harm will come to them if no one does anything dumb. Like escaping.  
Akatsuki: Oi, that really sounds like it should be one of my lines!  
Evang: (Sighing) Talk to the director later. We're in the middle of a hostage situation right now.  
  
He he glances to Akito and Yurika, and gives them a small nod. Seeing this, Sousuke makes a run for Kaname, but Gort reacts quickly and stops him with a burst of gunfire. A bullet unluckily hits one of Sousuke's legs, sending him crashing onto the floor, whereupon the Koubu promptly picks him up and holds him in its grasp.  
  
Tessa: Sagara-kun!  
Kaname: Sousuke!!  
Ogami: Like I said, no one will be hurt unless they try something dumb. Case in point, this rescue attempt.  
Evang: BOS, set up a somewhat straight passage to the Artifact. We'll explain to our beautiful guests what we desire of them once we're there.  
Kaname: Great. I get kidnapped by perverts. Again.  
Evang: I'd love to respond to that, but your capture took longer than expected. The children may be in grave danger now.  
Kaname: I don't give a rat's- wait, what children?  
Tessa: (Telepathically) I think it's just a way to soften us up, Chidori-san. The must have been hoping that at least one of us is a softie.  
Kaname: (Responding to Tessa) Still, if there really are children that require our help, I will.  
Tessa: {What sort of mess could a couple of living Black Technology data dumps help out with?}  
Kaname: {We're here to find out, aren't we?}  
BOS: Done. The passage won't remain stable long, so I suggest you move now.  
Ogami: What about this guy? Sousuke Sagara? You don't want him running loose, right? Do you have a brig?  
Evang: Nahh. Never had a use for one, until now. We could just let you stomp around in the Koubu and grip him.  
Uri-P: Wow, what thing of wondrous beauty! (Stares at the Arbalest with starry eyes and starts drooling.)  
Evang: (Pausing in the act of ushering Kaname through the doors.) Oh, and Seiya? Don't worry if you break the Armor Slave while exploring it, just make sure that BOS takes a good look at it before you touch anything, OK?  
  
The Aesti pilots, the captives, and the self-insert make their way along the quiet corridor. The atmosphere is still, like that of an empty cathedral. Their footsteps echo ahead of them, heralding their approach, announcing their progress.  
  
Tessa: It's like we're walking through an endless corridor. All grey wall, whether forward or backward.  
Kaname: At least there aren't any critters running around. This corridor is remarkably clean.  
Tessa: Totally devoid of life, you mean. If it weren't for the sound of our footsteps and voices- uh, it feels like a funeral march.  
Kaname: And the air is, is, clean. No smells whatsoever.  
  
They stop in front of the massive steel doors. As the last echoes died out, Evang steps forward, still not letting go of his hold on Kaname.  
  
Voice: Identity verification required. State your name and other pertinent information.  
Evang: It's as if the voice has softened. Could the children have had something to do with this?  
Voice: Identity verification required. State your name and other pertinent information. You have ten seconds.  
Evang: I am called Evang, and you know me. Now let us pass.   
Voice: Please wait for retinal scan, voice analysyis, and psywave pattern check to complete. Completed. You may enter, Evang-san. We're getting kind of cramped in here.  
  
The steel doors opened, and Tessa and Kaname gasp at the sight that greets them. So do the others. Perfectly formed statuary of the missing children, crafted from the bio-technological influence of the Artifact, in poses that told a story of fear.  
  
Yurika: Nnnnnnnnooooooooooo!!! (Her knees buckle, and Akito catches her.) Ruri, Lapis, no, not you too!  
Akito: So it was here all along? And you never had the nerve to tell us?  
Evang: I honestly didn't know myself until recently. But now that I have seen it, and have heard the personal comment at the door...  
  
Hikaru and Ryoko start sobbing like schoolgirls. Izumi just stood there, letting her friends drench her flightsuit. Gort and Akatsuki, as usual, stood stoic as ever. Jun, like Izumi, was just staring at the sheer atrocity of the room, why it was all bright and sparkling so cheerfully in the face of such sadness that it wrought.  
  
Evang: I take full responsibility for what happened, and thus I came up with this plan. Miss Chidori, please walk up the steps. Remember that if you want to try anything that we currently hold Sousuke's and Tessa's lives in our hands.  
Kaname: As if that knife of yours would let me forget. I'm walking, I'm walking- what the hell is one of those doing up here?  
Tessa: Kaname, what is it?  
Kaname: It's one of those things. Like in the heart of your ship.  
Tessa: A Radichavel? What's a piece of Black Technology doing here?  
Evang: So, it is Black Technology. We don't know why it's there either, but when my partner, who is not Whispered but is gifted in other ways, tried to use it, he...  
BOS: He went into convulsions and is now comatose. He thought he could use his gift to talk to the device and ask it to release the children, and it scrambled his brain instead.  
Kaname: And you want me, you want Tessa and me to-  
Evang: (Falling on his knees, just right for a kick in the face) I beg you, please, give it a shot. You can even link up with Tessa if you need the extra security.  
Tessa: {He knows, Chidori-san. How?}  
Kaname: {I don't know, but the question is, are you willing to help them?}  
  
Akito drops to his knees as well in front of Tessa. He even goes so far as to take one of her hands in both of his.  
  
Akito: Please. My daughters don't deserve any of this. It was the only reason why we abducted you, to find out if you could save them. If it turns out that... that you couldn't, we'll send you three back.  
Evang: Akito speaks on my behalf. What he says, if it's about the three, goes.  
Tessa: I, well... {What do we do?}  
Kaname: {Whatever we have to do. Remember, they might let Sousuke bleed to death if we don't try.}  
Evang: Oh, I would never do such a thing. It's not my style, and I find it disgusting and dishonorable.  
Tessa: You... You can hear us? You can hear us all along?  
Akito: What are they talking about, Evang-san?  
Evang: That I can hear them even though they were speaking to each other with their minds.  
  
Back in the hangar...  
  
Ogami: Uri-P, take a break.  
Uri-P: Breaks? Who needs them? The thrill of discovery is enough to sustain me. More than enough.   
Ogami: But it doesn't cut butter for me. And if I run out of power to give to the Ryoshi crystal, we're both dead. You can kiss your discoveries goodbye, then.  
Uri-P: Oh, all right. What will you be having, then?  
Ogami: Something with lots of calories and will keep me awake.  
  
Back to the problem...  
  
Evang: What is your decision, then?  
Kaname: I'll give it a try.  
Tessa: Chidori-san!  
Kaname: I'm not asking you to try if you don't want to, Tessa. {Although they might force you to act, using Sousuke.}  
Tessa: {You're right. I will help you, Kaname.}  
Evang: {A wise choice, my dear captain.}  
Tessa: {What are you doing?}  
Kaname: {You can talk telepathically as well?}  
Evang: {It's all a matter of frequency searches.} I wish you luck, Miss Chidori.  
Akito: She's going to try ans save them, then?  
Yurika: Thank you. Even if you might fail, we still thank you. At least you didn't just stand there watching.  
Akatsuki: Hold on, what's wrong with this girl?  
Gort: She fainted, it seems.  
Evang: No, she's in a trance to merge with Kaname here. Speaking of which...(Picks Kaname up as she slumps as well and placing her in the Radichavel) There. It's all in their hands, now. The rest of you can leave now if you want to.  
Ryoko: And what do you take us for?  
Jun: Did you think we can just abandon our friends just like that?  
Hikaru: We're staying. When they return, we'll be here to welcome them back.  
Izumi: I have a question, though. Why didn't the Artifact take Akito or Yurika when they stepped into the room?  
Evang: I think it's full. Ever tried eating three hotdog sandwiches end to end, without stopping?   
Akatsuki: If you're sure you can handle things here (Pocketing his pistol after setting it to safe) I have some business to attend to with Erina.  
Jun: 'Business', huh? Is that what they call it now? (Attempts a weak smile.)  
Gort: I'll be going as well. Let's go, Chairman.  
Evang: You know the way out. Oh, and go check on the hangar, will you? It's gotten awfully quiet there.  
  
SCENE 6. Kaname and Tessa are floating, nude and featureless save for their faces, in the depths of the Artifact.  
  
Tessa: What do we do, now that we're inside?  
Kaname: Look for the children, I guess.   
Tessa: I didn't get a good look at them earlier. Did you?  
Kaname: Nope. Me neither. I wonder how Sousuke is feeling right now. He was shot earlier, wasn't he?  
Tessa: Can you really bleed to death from a bullet wound in your leg?  
Evang: Not to worry, his injury has been seen to. The wound has been cleaned and the slug taken out.  
Kaname: How did you get in here?  
Evang: I'm not in with you, per se. I am in your heads, for lack of a better term. Think of me as your help menu.  
Tessa: That's rather handy. So, where to?  
Evang: I think that's a question better shouted out to your surroundings rather than whispered. No pun intended, of course.  
Kaname: Here goes: WHERE ARE YOU!?!  
Tessa: And then?  
Evang: You wait for a reply and home in on it.  
Tessa: We're just supposed to float here and wait for a message to come back?   
Evang: Well, captain, you can pass the time with girl talk. I don't mind, I haven't been to a girls' gab session before.  
Kaname: Well, we do mind. It's tantamount to stepping in a schoolgirls' comfort room.  
???: WHO'S THERE?!?!?!  
Tessa: Did you hear that?  
Kaname: A response! WE'RE HERE TO RESCUE YOU!!  
Tessa: WE NEED YOUR LOCATION!!  
???: CAN YOU REALLY?!  
???: WE DON'T KNOW WHERE EACH OTHER IS!!  
Kaname and Tessa: Eeeeeeeehhhh?  
Evang: Ask for Lapis Lazuli to call out.   
Kaname: AH, LAPIS LAZULI? ARE YOU THERE?!  
???: (Weakly) YES!  
Tessa: I think she's this way. But she sounds so far and weak.  
Kaname: Let's hurry, then. All this shouting out loud, even telepathically is giving me a sore throat.  
  
After endless minutes of floating (that's endless frustrated minutes for our friends the Rabid Pervert Fanboys), the two come across a small sphere of pale pink light.  
  
Kaname: Ano, what's this?  
Tessa: It must be her avatar in this place. Lapis Lazuli, are you in there?  
Lapis: No. This is me. Are you friends of Papa?  
Kaname: Um, sort of. He asked us to get you out of this place, and I can see why. By the way, I'm Chidori Kaname. This is Tessa.  
Tessa: Hello. Oh, excuse me, I must talk to our guide. Okay, Evang-san, now what?  
Evang: You have to return her to a semblance of her body. Until she reaches a state like the ones you and Kaname are in, she can't help you out.  
Kaname: And how do you propose to do that?  
Evang: Stay with her a while and talk her humanity to come back. The longer you stay, the faster she will recover herself.  
Tessa: Don't we run the risk of diffusing as well?  
Evang: Something about your brains and brainwave patterns were altered thanks to your being Whispered. It's still probably confusing the Artifact, so work quickly.  
Kaname: Right then. So, Lapis, what's your hair color like? Do you like having that shade of hair?  
Lapis: It's pale pink. Sometimes I wish it was darker, but Mama said that it goes well with my coloring. Personally, I don't care. People won't leave you or love you because of hair color, right?  
Tessa: That's right. Although the world can be cruel at times, judging people by their appearance. You can see us, can't you?  
Lapis: A little. What color is your hair, Tessa?  
Tessa: My hair is white. People say it's platinum blonde, but I disagree. I say, call things as they are. I don't mind having white hair, even though it does make me look older. At least it stays white, not unlike Kaname's.  
Kaname: Nani? What's wrong with my hair?  
Tessa: For one thing, it's green-blue. Kind of like the algae.  
Kaname: Oh, yeah? You don't look older, you look old, like a witch!  
Tessa: Sousuke doesn't seem to think so. In fact, I think he likes it. He hasn't said a word otherwise, has he?  
Kaname: That's because you're his CO! He's been drilled to respect senior officers, the operative word being senior!  
Tessa: Will you get off the age track? Or is your limited mental capacity unable of even such a simple topic change?  
Kaname: You want a topic change? Fine, you are a wuss! Sousuke would never consider a relationship with someone unable to cope physically with him, like you!  
Tessa: Me? You're the one that suffers from low blood pressure in the mornings! And as to my alleged wussiness, I'll have you know, I've done AS with Sousuke during his summer break, and he never said anything bad about my performance! He even praised me! [Pant! Wheeze! Blush.]  
Kaname: That's nothing! AS, indeed! He probably doesn't want to look at your face, that's why! Has he taken you "fishing"? Has he shown you his "private spot"? No? Well, I was with him when he did both, and all I can say is, he's good with his rod!  
Lapis: Ano, are you two talking like hentai? I didn't believe it was possible for girls to do so, but I think I've changed my mind.  
  
The two Whispered gasp, and turn to face Lapis. They gasp again.  
  
Tessa: You're back. Um, what I mean is, you have your body back. Sort of.  
Kaname: {Hello, Evang-san? We have Lapis back to normal. I think.}  
Lapis: Hentai onii-san is here inside as well? Is that how you found me?  
Tessa: No. We can talk to him through our minds. He's the one who told us to go for you first.  
Evang: {OK. Good work, Kaname-chan, Tessa-chan. Now, ask Lapis to bring you to Ruri-chan using a Boson Jump. Take note, Ruri-chan and not Ruri-san.}  
Kaname: {Nani? There's a difference?}  
Evang: {Captain Ruri Hoshino might have a better chance of resisting assimilation than the younger Ruri. The Captain is around Tessa's age, and the younger one has yet to enter puberty.}  
Tessa: {Another young Captain? She must be pretty special. I can't wait to meet her. The naming convention is strange, though.}  
Kaname: {Sou ka. Giving two girls the same name? Their parents must have been in an uncreative patch when the younger one came out.}  
Evang: {Um, we can talk about names later. Right now, you need to see to the youngest of the brood.}  
Lapis: Ano, onee-san, daijobu? You seemed pretty quiet back there.  
Kaname: Hai. Listen, Lapis, can you do a Boson something and take us to your other sister? Not your Ruri-neesan.  
Lapis: I'll try. We have to hold hands, though.  
  
Kaname takes one of Lapis' hands in her left hand. Tessa clasps Kaname's right hand with her left, and reaches for Lapis' remaining hand. All three close their eyes, and disappear in a bright, sudden flash. They reappear next to a small, pale lilac sphere of light.  
  
Tessa: {Oh, dear, it's no bigger than my fist. Are we too late?}  
Evang: {There might still be time. Now, don't break your circle, and try to maneuver so that the sphere is between you three.}  
Kaname: {Done. What's next, then?}  
Evang: {The hardest part. Pray and wait, and hope that she feels more for the real world than this one.}  
Lapis: Maybe... if we touch it, do you think...?  
Tessa: It couldn't hurt to try.  
Kaname: Nothing to lose in trying, right? Besides, it might make the process faster.  
Tessa: There's a song my father used to sing to me when I was feeling unwell, but really nothing wrong with me. I think part of it goes like:  
"When you find love in your heart/ You can believe from the start/ Dreams they come true/ When I'm with you, oh, all at once/ If you believe in human touch."  
Kaname: Do you know, that song seems rather familiar. Doesn't it begin like: "Can I find the words to tell you/ How I live between the walls of steel and stone?"  
Tessa: "How I search my life/ To find some sort of rapture/ In a world where you can feel/ So all alone."  
Kaname: "Inside, I'm full of light and laughter/ There's a flame than burns in me/ I need a way to set it free..."  
Lapis: Minna-san, look!  
  
The three girls watch as the sphere spins and begins to grow, like a starcloud accumulating matter. It glows more brightly as it becomes larger, finally slowing down and resolving to the figure of the young Ruri.  
  
Rabid Pervert Fanboys: Nooooooo! Not another ssssmooth one! We hatessss the writer, we do, preciousssssss!!!  
  
Lapis: Ruri-chan, daijobu?  
Ruri: Hai. Who are they, onee-chan?  
Lapis: The one with green hair is Kaname-neesan. The one with white hair is Tessa-neesan. They came here to rescue the three of us.   
Tessa: We're pleased to meet you, Ruri.  
Kaname: You can tell us what it was like on the oter side later, if you want to. Right now, we have to rescue your older sister.  
Ruri: I heard a song... I didn't want to leave exploring the Artifact, but I wanted to hear it fully, all at once.  
  
Kaname winked at Lapis and Tessa. Smiling, they opened up the circle to include the younger Ruri.  
  
Lapis: Next, stop, Ruri-neesan. Hold on, minna.  
  
[INSERT PREVIOUS BOSON JUMP SEQUENCE HERE, EXCEPT THIS TIME, THERE ARE FOUR LINKS IN THE CHAIN.] The four are surprised when they materialize to find Captain Hoshino, whole as possible in this weird world they're in, waiting for them with a bored look on her face.  
  
Ruri: It's just as I figured your plan of action would be. I thank you, minna-sama, for coming to my rescue. Although I did expect you earlier. Perhaps if you sang when you rescued Lapis?  
Tessa: That's a rather interesting un-welcome for your rescuers, Captain Hoshino. If it wasn't for the fact that I believe in families staying together, we would have Boson Jumped out of here and left you inside.  
Kaname: Not to mention we got the scare of our lives getting kidnapped in broad daylight! There was even a super robot fight in the school soccer field!  
Tessa: At least you didn't have a ship that got totalled while it was being repaired! And I haven't given my request for shore leave before getting abducted!  
Kaname: Huh? You, going on leave? As in a vacation? To where?  
Tessa: I thought I could experience a whole school year with Sousuke. And you as well, Chidori-san.  
Kaname: And where do you expect to stay? I'm rather fond of a solitary apartment, thank you very much.  
Tessa: (Grinning slyly.) Oh, I'm used to sharing. I have Lieutenant Mao, I mean Melissa, as my bunkmate back at the ship. And if I lived through her beer cans and cigarette butts, living with Sousuke would be so a breeze.  
Kaname: What!? You're moving in with him!? You shameless hussy!!!  
Ruri: Ano, shouldn't we be rescuing me right now, instead of fighting over your boyfriend?  
Tessa: You're right, Captain. We shouldn't be arguing, not at a time like this. (Smiles smugly.)  
Kaname: I ought to take you to wonder-girls by the hair and slam you together, but without a real body it just isn't the same.  
Hime: Sou desu yo.  
  
Meanwhile, inside one of the Geofront's laboratories...  
  
Rei: Ha-choo.  
Ai: Is something wrong, Ayanami-chan?  
Asuka: Is something wrong? She sneezes like she was reading a textbook, and you ask what's wrong?  
Shinji: That's the norm for her, Ai-san.  
Ritsuko: Asuka, keep a lid on that temper. Remember, we're testing the Hyper Turbo Lemon solution under normal conditions.   
Misato: She's right, Asuka. By the way, Shinji, (Grins evilly) those trunks look good on you. They're rather small, don't you think?  
Shinji: [Thinking] I've been standing chest-deep in this weird red liquid for over thirty minutes now. At least the liquid isn't as transparent as I feared it would be. And it doesn't smell like blood, thank heavens.  
Misato: So, Dr. Fressange, how do you feel working for NERV?   
Ai: Can't complain. Work is work, and for me, work is good. Sure beats the hell out of being used to further annoy those hentai otaku.  
  
Rabid Pervert Fanboys: Hey! We resent that remark!  
RPF Leader: Wait, does that mean that there won't be anymore risque scenes coming up between her and Ritsuko-sama?  
RPF Mob: Nooooooo, precioussssssss!!! You will die a hundred deathsssess, Jemu Nekketssssssssu!!!  
  
Back in the SpaceBar's core...  
  
Evang: I feel a movement of force, lots of it. I think they made it, everyone! Yeah!   
  
The "corrupted" area of the room began to shrink, from the outside going in, as if it was all being sucked back into the Artifact. First the walls and ceiling, then the floor, the kneeling figures of the children finally recovering their color and features. They look around, blinking owlishly at their surroundings, and are soon embraced by their tearful parents. There is much rejoicing in the endzone.  
  
Evang: [Thinking] Good, they're safe. Now, for these two. [Climbs up the steps to the Radichavel and lifts Kaname's limp form out of it.] Good grief, that's it, I'm not jealous of Sagara-san anymore. I used to think that being tackled by Kaname-chan was great, but- OWWW!! [Drops Kaname to the floor and cups his nose.] Dang, gat hurt!  
Kaname: Itai! (Rubs her shapely bottom.) Serves you right though, for insinuating I'm fat.  
Evang: I ninn't say annthin.  
Kaname: (Standing up.) You were still thinking it. That mind-meld we shared earlier still hasn't worn off, it seems.  
Evang: No shit Madame Curie. Gee, I wonder how long it takes to wear off completely.  
Kaname: You mean you don't know? (Bends over to check on Tessa, still lying on the floor.)  
Evang: (Glances unfortunately and gets a nosebleed.) Aaaahhh.... uhhhhhh...  
what the hell, I'm not even Japanese!  
Kaname: Stop it before I really give you a bloody nose.(Straightens)Tessa, wake up, this pervert is trying to look up your skirt.  
Tessa: (Sitting up immediately, knees pressed together) He's what?!  
  
Back in the hangar, Ogami, Akatsuki, and Gort are playing cards. Uri-P is whistling to himself as he delves into the Arbalest's secrets. Sousuke has been tied to the Koubu's leg, and his ankles and wrists are securely bound as well. This sight greets the two Full Metal Panic girls and the psionic self-insert when they enter.  
  
Evang: [Looks at how Sousuke is bound] Alright, who's the Boy Scout?  
Ogami: It can get pretty lonely out at sea. We ocean men have to do something to pass the time.   
Evang: What, playing bondage games with your fellow crewmen?  
Ogami: I'd kick your ass for that, but I'm in the middle of a game right now. Hey, who dropped the king?  
Akatsuki: I did. Anyone countering it?  
Gort: Not me. Pass.  
Ogami: Pass as well.  
Akatsuki: You gentlemen are so kind. (Plays more cards from his hand.) Four sixes, and a three to boot. All done.  
Evang: Great, Akatsuki-san. You can help me get these two to the main lounge and send them back.  
Akatsuki: So soon? I thought we could, you know, have some fun with them. Just a little.  
Tessa: You promised to let us go after we've rescued the children. Well? Does your word mean so little?  
Evang: At least stay until the celebration is ended. Better yet, stay until Sousuke's wound has been healed.  
Sousuke: No need for such kindness. We're ready to leave.  
Uri-P: But I'm not! I still have to crack this baby open! I must know its secrets! You can't go!!!  
Kaname: I thought you said earlier that you've seen to Sousuke's injury.   
Evang: I did. I performed psychic surgery on his leg, but I didn't have enough power to heal his wound. It will have to heal on its own, naturally.  
Kaname: Great. How long will that take? I'm sure people will be looking for us.  
Evang: You'll pop back, somehow managing to escape your abductors, with the help of Sagara-kun. You'll be in the news for a few days, then it's over.  
Tessa: You still haven't answered how long you intend to keep us here.  
Evang: Ask Sousuke. Personally, I make it a point not to get shot. It stings like the damn hell when it starts healing. Oh, and ask for an honest answer. Your boyfriend is fond of the Kouha style of living.  
Ogami: Kouha? I've heard that somewhere before.  
Evang: You know, tough, macho, military silent type with a rod up his tailpipe. "Oh, it's nothing, just my intestines spilling out."  
Kaname: Well, Sousuke?  
Sousuke: A week. Give or take a couple of days. Depends on what the patient is subjected to.  
Kaname: A week? But school resumes in a week! Next week!  
Tessa: And I haven't finalized my plans- oh, no, Mithril might decide not to grant my leave, and IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!  
Kaname: Really? I must thank you, then. Arigatou.  
Tessa: I'm going to kill SOMEBODY if I don't get that leave!!!  
Evang: Then you better do something to make your boyfriend recover sooner, ne? Don't expect help from me, after he blew up my transformable Zaga-2, I think he owes me. And let's not forget that bullet I took out.   
Ogami: Hah! Got you, Gort-san. Although that was a pretty tense match back there. Who would have thought you were holding a pair of threes in your last hand?  
Evang: All done, then? Ichiro, take Mr. Sagara to the infirmary. I trust you know how to untie him from your Koubu and still keep him bound?  
Ogami: Do not insult me, Evang-san. Of course I know how.  
Evang: Good. If you keep that up, I might be forced to reward you with a major gift. [Turning to the girls] I'm confining you to the infirmary for the time being. It has all the comforts of home: hot water, a hot plate, beds, TV with hundredds of channels. And a fridge that has everything.   
Kaname: Really.  
Evang: Yes. Really. BOS will even answer any questions you might have, won't you, old man?  
BOS: I AM NOT OLD, AND NEITHER AM I HUMAN!!!!  
Evang: That was BOS, our charming on-board AI. Kinda like the Arbalest's Al, but he runs this whole space station.  
Tessa: [Going wide-eyed.] Space station?!  
Evang: Uh huh. Ogami, you done yet?  
Ogami: Ready to transport prisoner, sir.  
Evang: Good. BOS, limit them to the infirmary, will you? I'd rather not have our little tub ripped open from the inside by Sagara-san and his Arbalest. You saw what it did to Zaga-2, right?  
BOS: Yikes. I'll have this place secured so tight, not even Uri-P can get in or out.  
Uri-P: HEY!!!!!  
  
Scene 7. The infirmary. While the others were in the main lounge getting drunk and stuffing their faces, or perhaps in the Wreck Room enjoying the wonders therein, or otherwise in one hell of a party mood celebrating the safe return of the three Mages, the cheesy uber-power guy is sitting with his sidekick. There is no sound in the room, save for the sounds of human breathing and the occasional beeeping of the monitoring devices.  
  
Evang: It must be pretty lonely out there, ne? What ever possessed you to do such a stunt? You knew it was Black Technology. You knew it could have done almost anything! I thought you always played it safe, and I was the crazy gung-ho nut?  
  
Silence.   
  
Evang: I know you can hear me, even though you can't recognize me. But you know something? It is rather weird, without your stupid jokes and insults. I don't like weird. I like crazy just fine, but not weird. So tell you what, I'm gonna do something abut this, right now.  
  
He reaches into the folds of his robe, looking at his friend all the while. Pulling out the ancient tome that he usually kept on his study table in his sanctuary, he began thumbing through the pages.  
  
Evang: Let's see... Lava Burst, learned it; Lava Dart, ditto; Lava Hounds, pure stupidity; Lead Golem creation, nah, lead is more useful for bullets; Life Tap, nope, I'm no vampire wannabe. Aha, here we are, Limited Wish! Hmm. Looks easy enough. Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back.  
  
Laughing at his own joke, he left stepped out the door and into his study. Thank God for hammerspace. While it was true that the SpaceBar had lost a half-kilometer cube, nothing could harm hammerspce. It was an immutable fact of ani-verse physics. After collecting the required components, Evang returned to the still-comatose bartender.  
  
Evang: OK, I've drawn concentric circles of salt, then iron filings. Here goes - abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu palah, abai ga, gu pa-LAH!!  
  
There was a loud 'POOF!', and Evang turned to face the source. He found the weirdest thing inside the circles that he had traced.  
  
Evang: (Bewildered) An imp?  
Imp: What did you expect, Santa Claus?   
Evang: Hey, I'm the boss around here, and I order you to restore my sidekick back to his former state, the before he sat his ass on the Radichavel!  
Imp: Sorry, no can do.  
Evang: What do you mean, "no can do?"  
Imp: I mean that there aren't enough bad vibes around this place for me to do what you want me to. Like where do I draw my power? Would you like to offer some of yours?  
Evang: Noooooooo.  
Imp: I thought so.  
Evang: So how do I get these "bad vibes" you spoke of?  
Imp: Simple. Pride, covetousness, wrath, envy, gluttony, sloth, lechery. So long as there is at least three of the above happening in the environs, they will provide sufficient negative force for me to work with.  
Evang: And how do I know I can trust you, once I have done my part of the deal? Will you not turn against me, then, try to regain your freedom?  
Imp: Don't you humans ever read the instruction manual? Even with enough bad energy floating around, an imp's power is limited by the circles that it has been summoned into.  
Evang: And why did you just offer this little tidbit of information? Assuming it is the truth, of course.  
Imp: It's truth, all right. As to why, well, I haven't had a fix of bad juju for years now, and I need some badly, man. You and your summon spell seemed like a quick meal.  
Evang: [Thinking] Great, I get an imp who's a negative essence addict. Just my luck. [Aloud] At least three, huh? I'll see wha at I can do. DOn't go flying off, OK?  
Imp: (Replying to Evang's retreating back.) Very funny. Ha. ha. Asshole. And hurry it up, will ya?  
  
Evang headed for his study once more, he rummaged around his desk, opening drawers until he found what he was looking for. He placed another book, entitled "Pig-Out Cuisine for Idiots," as well as a bottle of red powder on the surface of the desk.  
  
Evang: BOS? How are our new guests?  
BOS: They're at Mr. Sagara's ward, boring themselves to death.  
Evanng: Good. (He opens the bottle and pours half of its contents into a porcelain bowl.) Here, take this powder and flush their ward with it.   
BOS: Just drop it into the little portal I'm opening.  
  
A small circle of blue light appeared, barely a foot wide. Evang turns the bowl over it, spilling the contents into the little vortex. When all the powder was gone, the circle vanished back into hammerspace.  
  
BOS: Just out of curiosity, what was that powder? An aid to tissue regeneration?  
Evang: Nope. [Smiles.] It's the newest batch of experimental Urotsu powder that I haven't tested yet. Oh, don't worry, I'm sure it wont kill them.  
BOS: Somehow I have the feeling that it's bound to do worse than death.  
Evang: How can you say that? Once they take a whiff, they won't be bored for long. [Chuckles.]  
  
In Sousuke's ward...  
  
Sousuke: Ah, you two, there's something I have to say to both of you. Something very important that you should know. It's bound to affect our relationship with each other in a great way.  
  
Intrigued, Kaname and Tessa leaned forward. Sousuke, however, motioned them to come closer to him, patting the places beside his waist, telling them to come closer.  
  
Sousuke: [In a low voice.] They might have surveillance equipment installed. Hurry, this is important.  
Tessa: (Scooting closer.) What is it, Sousuke?  
Kaname: What's the thing that can't wait until we get to a safer place?  
  
The three were very close now, almost shoulder to shoulder. Sousuke took a deep breath, and reached out a hand to each girl's bosom. The two girls gasped, whether from surprise or pleasure, it was not known. Perhaps it was from both, yes?  
  
Sousuke: The thing is this: I want you. Both of you. Badly. Now.  
  
Back in the psycho-mage's study/sanctuary...  
  
BOS: Yup. I was right. So, how long is this mind poisoning going to last?  
Evang: Until they get drenched by cool water. (Lifts the lid from a pot and sniffs the contents.) Ah, almost done. Now to see what we can do for junk food...  
BOS: That's your idea of a balanced meal? Some weird vegetables and chips?  
Evang: Oh, this isn't for me, it's for the people upstairs. See, I want them to have this for the party that they'll be throwing for the safe return of the children. And there's nothing weird about mashed potatoes with sour cream or butter, boiled yams and spicy arrowroot soup.   
BOS: Since when did you become a gourmet cook?   
Evang: Since I read that book on my desk. (Goes about preparing the potaotes and the soup.) So, how are our three teeners doing?  
BOS: Wow. That powder sure is awesome. I thought for sure that Kaname doesn't like Tessa one bit, but I guess I'm wrong. And Sousuke, he's a good boy, making sure everyone's happy. Including himself.  
Evang: [Thinking.] Well, that takes care of the lechery. Now for two more.  
  
Placing the food on a tray, Evang picked it up and teleported to the Main Lounge. He arrived to party music in full swing, to which Gai and Shiratori were tossing their heads to. He made his way the food table, where he saw that Tenkawa had been making his home in the mini-kitchen behind the bar. A bowl of noodles and some other plates were already taking up space, but if you're in hammerspace, there's always room for a few extras.  
  
Evang: Hey, everyone, I brought more grub!  
Akito: Thanks. You didn't have to-  
Evang: What are you saying? I'm the host now, and of course I want to show that I am happy for your happiness. I'll leave you in charge of the food, then, as there is something I must see to.  
Akito: OK.  
  
Making his way to the Omnipotent Author's Hammerspace Device, he paused to chat with a few people.  
  
Evang: So, is this player trying out his lines on you three now?  
Ryoko: He has.  
Hikaru: To no success.  
Ogami: Not for lack of trying though. Are all future women this way? If so, I'm finished. [Grins.]  
Evang: How do you gauge success in flirting, anyway?  
Izumi: Well, if it's Ryoko you're talking about, the healthier you are, the less your success is. Then again, that's how life is, ne?  
Evang: Oh, before I forget, (Spying Megumi sipping drinks with the Houmei girls.) I have something for Ryoko, for sticking with us through all these baka missions. And for Ogami too, for being cooperative.  
Hikaru: Hey, what about me and Izumi? We've stuck around too, you know.  
Evang: [Thinking] Ah, the green-eyed monster growls. [Aloud.] You already have a successful reputation as a manga artist. Izumi has a bar, which is much more peaceful than mine. So to Ryoko, I now grant her heart's desire. If you'll wear this blindfold and follow me? Thank you.  
Ryoko: Try anything funny and I'll make sure you don't have any children.  
Evang: Oh, dying is fine, I'll just respawn thanks to the DCA.  
Ryoko: I wasn't talking about killing you.  
Evang: Then what- oh. OH.  
  
The two stop at the OAHD. By this time everyone has taken note of their progress and Ryoko's blindfolded state. There is a buzzing of speculation as to what the hell is going on. Reaching for the handle, Evang lifts it a little, then pauses for effect.  
  
Evang: And now, Miss Subaru, I will count to ten, and when I reach ten, you may rip off the blindfold. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!   
  
Evang throws the devices door open as Ryoko tears off the blindfold. White light blinds everyone for a second or two, and when Ryoko recovers her sight, she let's out a loud gasp. She turns to Evang for an explanation.  
  
Ryoko: You're kidding, right? It's a doll, isn't it?  
Evang: Doll? Heck, no! This is Akito from the Miss Nadesico contest episode, 100% intact and all yours!!!  
Ryoko: (Tears brimming in her eyes.) You really mean it? He won't take a look at that blue-haired ditz and fall head over heels again?  
Akito': No. I'd never do anything to make you feel unwanted or belittled, Ryoko. You're the only one for me. Besides, I like feisty, strong-willed women, not flighty, fluff-brained ones. [Smiles a perfect pre-POD Akito smile.] Come on, how about we tear up the dance floor?  
Akito: What the heck? I was that ugly back then? And where does he get off, stealing my Shy Guy smile? I ought to shoot him.  
Yurika: Hey, you gutless cookboy!!! Who are you calling fluff-brained!? You're the fluff-brained one for choosing that man-girl!!  
Ryoko: What did you just call me, blue bimbo!?  
Yurika: You heard what I said!!!  
Akito': You, behind the food, control your woman, will you? If you lack the guts to do it, I'll do it for you!  
Akito: Yeah, you and what army, you muddle-headed s0n0f4b1tch?  
  
It didn't take long at all for a brawl to erupt.  
  
Evang: [Thinking] My, my, this is an unexpected surprise. I wonder if it counts as wrath? [Turning to face whoever was tapping him.] Ah, Megumi, you need anything?  
Megumi: Can I have, you know, (Wriggling her eyebrows) one of those?  
Evang: I'm sorry, but the Device can only function in rapid succession for so many times. I'm afraid that it will be offline for a while, as it has yet to adjust to losing more than 10% of its maximum power in the last battle.  
Megumi: There was a battle?  
Evang: Mm-hmm. Ogami!  
Ogami: Nani?  
Evang: Pull the women apart. Bloodied men, I can handle, but women... it ain't right, you know what I'm saying?  
Ogami: I know. I also feel that way about the members of my teams. Leave it to me.  
Evang: Good man. [Notices the look on Megumi's face.] Ano, you wouldn't want your own Akito involved every so often in a brawl, would you?  
Megumi: That won't matter. As soon as I get one, I'll go back to touring with the Houmei girls. That ought to take us out from their paths. [Indicates Yurika and Ryoko, now glaring at each other from opposite sides of the room.]  
Evang: [Thinking] Ah, jealousy, thy name is woman! [Aloud] Tell you what. I'll tell you when the Device can be used again. If only Jemu were up, he could-  
Megumi: Why? Did something happen to him as well?  
Evang: Why are you so concerned? I'm pretty sure he'll pull through.  
Megumi: Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he never thought about me in an indecent way, especially when I was in a schoolgirl uniform.  
Evang: Sou ka. Well, enjoy the food then. I have something to attend to downstairs. Ogami!  
Ogami: You rang?  
Evang: I have need of a private talk with you in my study.  
  
In the study...  
  
Imp: Oh yeah, this is the stuff. A little fornication, a dash of violence, envy dripping from the walls. Keep 'em coming, losers.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED. 


	10. Let's Get Violence

SpaceBar 10: Let's Get Violence!  
by Jemu Nekketsu  
  
DISCLAIMER: Ony BOS, Jemu, and Evang are belong to me. If you recognize the badly OOC characters in here, relax, I don't own them, nor do I intend to claim them as my own. The same goes for the series and series concepts mentioned here. But what the hell, who reads crossovers anyway?   
  
Ogami: Let me get this straight. We're in outer space, miles above the surface of the planet and out of the atmosphere, and this is supposed to be some highly advanced drinking joint that's got a surface area of 2 square kilometers?  
Evang: That pretty much sums it up.  
Ogami: I don't bloody believe you!!! If you're so technologically advanced, why is there an IMP of all things in the corner of your study?  
Evang: Thanks for reminding me. Hey, brimstone-breath, have enough juice already?  
Imp: I think so. [Thinking] If you only knew how much power I have...  
Evang: Hmmp. As I can't measure the strength of something so removed from a human being, I have no choice. Time for your end of the bargain, then.  
Imp: [Thinking] I have enough energy as of now to realign all three of their brains and still enough to break the warding. Nah, I'll just play along, I don't wanna waste any of this here precious power. I do what he wants me to do, and if he doesn't release me then, well, I could see what all this power does. [Aloud] One mind twisting operation, coming up! Oh, wait, you have to extend the line of powdered iron to my target. Otherwise, my power won't reach your friend.  
Ogami: But to do that, he needs to extend the salt as well, right?  
Imp: Pretty smart for a human, you are. Experience with demons, you have?  
Ogami: Let's just say that I knew a few who don't appreciate the theater.  
  
Evang takes more salt, more powdered iron, and a long-hosed vacuum cleaner and starts redrawing the wards. He first drew an enclosure with the salt, including the bed where Jemu lay. He left some space for the second circle of iron. Once he was sure that the imp couldn't get out or shoot out of the circles, he vacuumed the original wards, taking care not to break the new ones.  
  
Imp: Okay, then! Here we go! Mental chiropractic beam, FIRE!!!!   
  
Green lightning arced between the imp's miniscule horns, and jumped toward Jemu's head. Jemu's reaction was instantaneous.  
  
Jemu: YYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
Imp: CLEAR!!! (Fires another bolt.)  
Jemu: GGUUUUUWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
Imp: That'll do it.  
  
Jemu lifts himself off the sheets and looks around. He sees the imp, does a double take, and is off the bed in a flash, a blaster and a bullet-thrower in his hands.  
  
Ogami: Take it easy, man. That little monstrosity just saved your skin.  
Jemu: (Not taking his aim off the creature.) Evang, where are we now?  
Evang: Floating as usual. Why?  
Jemu: We need to land. Preferably as quickly as possible.  
Evang: Whatever for? We just got up here, and now you wanna go back down again? What gives?  
Jemu: Think of it as an interesting way to convince Ichiro that we ARE in space. Just do it, before I start blasting this imp to pieces.  
Imp: What, this is the thanks I get for returning you back to the land of the living? Bloody ingrate. I'll show you all!!!  
  
A vortex of dark energy appeared beneath the creature's feet, growing to swallow the space inscribed by the iron circle. A six-pointed star was traced by bright lines of power, the endpoints sending out a ray toward a point in the ceiling above the imp's head. To the amazement of the three, the imp began to grow larger, its wings looking more flightworthy and its nails turning into claws.  
  
Jemu: Shit. It's hit the fan now. (Takes aim and fires at the imp seemingly trapped in a cage of energy.) Damn, my shots just bounced off!  
Imp: FOOOLLSSS! I never knew there were still humans who could be suckered into providing our kind with power so easily as your friend here! RRRRAAAAAAHHHHRRRRRR!!! So much power, so sweet, yessss. I'd thank you, but I never make it a practice of killing anyone I've given my gratitude to.  
Evang: Look, I'm sorry about this, but it was the only way I could think of to revive you.  
Jemu: We'll talk abut this later. (Fires more rounds, to no effect.)   
Ogami: We have a big problem, you two. I'd say about eleven feet of it.  
Jemu: That does sound bad.  
Demon: And it hurts even worse! DIE!!!  
Evang: You two, behind me! (Creates a wall of fire.)  
Demon: Hah! You think that will help? Not even death can save you from me!!  
  
The imp, now a red-scaled horned and spiked monstrosity, opened its mouth. Red lightning crackled between its jaws and surged forward, parting the wall of fire and sending Evang flying into a wall. The redmage hits the stone with a sickening thud and bounces off to hit the ground face first.  
  
BOS: Sir, I have detected an anomaly- Holy shit!!!  
Demon: Nothing holy about this!!! (Unleashes an expanding ring of fire.) Nothing at all!!!  
  
Ogami's uniform catches fire and he hits the floor, rolling around to douse the flames. Jemu's response was to jump up and rain bullets and energy bolts at the demon.  
  
Jemu: Ogami-san, take Evang out of here. Head for the Main Lounge and tell everybody to get out, return to where they came from. BOS will help you.  
Ogami: (Rising to his feet) What about you?  
Jemu: I'll have a little discussion with this pipsqueak about my so-called ingratitude!!! (Drops like a log and rolls away from another stream of red lightning.)  
Ogami: Okay! Take care of yourself!  
  
Ogami dashes to the reawakening psoinic-mage. The demon notices this and turns to face the two.  
  
Demon: Leaving so soon? The fun has just started! Gaaaaaaaahhhhhrggggh!!!  
Jemu: Didn't your mother tell you it's rude to turn your back on people that you're fighting with? (Gives the demon another double helping of positron beams.) Well, if it works for Angels... I was surprised though, that it worked on you. Yipes!!! (Dives and rolls to the side as a stream of red lightning tries to fry him.)  
Evang: Did anyone see the number on that AS that hit me? I feel like I missed the party but I have the hangover.  
Ogami: No time to worry about that. We need to evacuate the people aboard this station of yours. Any ideas?  
Evang: Just one. Hold still!  
  
In a flash of light, the two disappear from the study/ laboratory/ kitchen. The demon notices this and taunts Jemu.  
  
Demon: Huh, your friends aren't so dumb after all. They know a loser when they see one. They've left you to fend for your own.  
Jemu: Haven't you heard? It takes one to know one. (Fires more positron beams and stops.) Oh crap, not now? Why is it infinite ammo doesn't work in hammerspace?  
  
With a burst of speed, the red demon lunges forward, catching the lone gunman in the chest and sending him into a stone wall. He slides to the floor, dazed, and the demon takes him by the head and holds him at arm's length.  
  
Demon: Now, before you die, you will tell me the secrets of this so-called hammerspace.  
Jemu: You want the secret of hammerspace? Well, (drops both pistols) the secret (a medieval warhammer appears in his right hand) is THIS!!!!!   
  
Jemu hurls the heavy hand weapon into the demon's ugly face. At such a large target, and so near, he cannot miss. A bellow echoes throughout the station, reaching even the Main Lounge.  
  
Akito: What the hell?  
Kaji: That the demon you were talking about?  
Jemu: Yes. Sorry to have you guys up and about after eating so much food, but we need to evacuate. Now.  
Ryoko: Can we evacuate later? We're just getting cozy here just now. (Snuggles closer to Akito'.)  
Ogami: This is ridiculous! Jemu is getting thrashed below, probably dying, and all you want to do is make out with that man of yours?  
Akito': Pretty much.  
Ogami: Why I oughta...  
  
A burst of static electricity explodes in the room, jolting everyone to their feet and dumping Ryoko to the floor. As Akito' helps her up and apologizes profusely, Evang speaks up again.  
  
Evang: Look. I'm sorry about that. I, of all people, hate getting shocked or jolted but it was the only way I could get you moving. And, no, it wasn't me who did it, although I was partly reponsible.  
Ogami: You're not making any sense!  
Izumi: And neither is this whole long, winding series. Hehehe.  
Evang: You want sense? How's this: I unlocked Mr. Oogami's hidden powers and amplified his existing one, namely his affinity to lightning. He hasn't learned to control it yet, though, and that little shock was just the result of that.  
Gai: So, it depends on your kiryoku level. And since he was pissed off at the lazy bums who refused to move...  
Ogami: Alright! Everyone who isn't capable of fighting a supernatural entity outside a piece of mecha, please leave! Except for those that can't leave, of course.  
  
The Nadesico crew, not wanting to suffer being used as a discharging plate again, make their way for the Hammerspace portal Device.  
  
Evang: BOS, attach us to Tokyo-3. Again.  
BOS: By that I assume to take the form of a huge industrial/ shipping complex and land, right?  
Evang: You got it. Kaji, you and Gai take a bucket of water each and head for the infirmary via hammerspace. (Gasps at the pop-ups that BOS created.)   
Holy crow!  
Kaji: Yeah, look at them kids go. I see the need for the buckets. (Ducks behind the counter and produces two buckets.)  
Evang: I don't mean them, I mean look at Jemu!  
Gai: He seems to be holding off well, on his own. A little flashy and stylish form of fighting too.  
Evang: You know what it reminds me of? That game called Diablo Must Cry or something. You know, double pistols, dive kicks?  
Ogami: Amazing how well he can fight in such crowded conditions. Damn! Looks like I spoke to soon! BOS, get him out of there!  
  
A blue portal opens in the now devastated laboratory. Jemu dives for it, with the demon stepping though just as it closed.Both of them step out into the Main Lounge.  
  
Demon: So, this is the power of hammerspace? The ability to summon weapons and to go anywhere I please? Excellent! I shall have this power, and take over the pits that I came from, and then the whole of Creation! Hahahahaha!  
Ogami: Kaji, Gai, go! We'll handle this!  
Demon: Even if there are three of you, you cannot hope to stop me! I have unlimited power!!  
Evang: [Thinking] Not for long, asshole. [Aloud] You may have unlimited power, but you're not immortal!! Take this!!! (Clenches his fists and faces the demon squarely.) BURN BLASTER!!!!  
  
Red energy streams out from Evang's chest and focuses on the demon. The demon lets out another breath of lightning to counter it, and the two streams of energy collide with a roar. However, Evang's beam is being pushed back, inch by inch every second. It is apparent that he cannot hold it back for long.  
  
Ogami: I won't let anyone down!   
Jemu: (Not stopping his barrage of bullets and small laser bolts against the demon's head.) Quick, think of a cheesy name that is related to your powers and pour your anger, your determination into it!  
Ogami: Yokatta! (Holds his arms forward, with his hands formed into fists as well.) WHITE THUNDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!!!  
  
Bolts of electricity arc from Ogami's fists, hitting the point where the two red streams met. Slowly, but surely, the combined attacks push back the one from the demon to a point halfway between it and Evang.  
  
BOS: Temporary annexation to Tokyo-3 complete.  
Jemu: BOS! Thanks for the extra distraction! Evang, Ogami, pumikit kayo!  
(Pulls a small cylinder from his vest.)  
Evang: Okay!!  
Ogami: What was that?   
Evang: He said close your hitomi!  
Jemu: Iku ze! Fire ina mow! (Hurls the flash grenade at the demon's feet.)  
  
A blinding flash fills the room, followed by a bellow and the sound of concrete being shattered by a heavy weight. The flash recedes, and the Main Lounge is as it was, save for three spent dudes and a demon-shaped hole in the wall.  
  
Ogami: Wow, we did it! Oh yeah, I rock!!!  
Evang: You also have a passel of pissed off females wanting to rake their nails across your hide.  
Jemu: Not to mention a really lousy mecha.  
Evang: BOS, where are Gai and Kaji now?  
BOS: As we had annexed to earth while the two are still headed for the infirmary, they are in one of the buildings around here.  
Jemu: D'oh! That means they haven't stopped them yet!  
Ogami: Huh?  
Evang: What you say?!  
Jemu: The demon feeds on the bad vibes that emanate from sin! The more it takes in, the bigger and powerful it's going to get!  
Evang: And we're here on Tokyo-3...  
Evang & Jemu: OOOHHHH, SHHIIITT!!!!  
Ogami: Can somebody tell me what the hell you guys are talking about? We kicked its demonic ass, right?  
Jemu: Heck no! It's-  
  
An enormous clawed foot kicks off the upper part of the building that used to be the Main Lounge. This little piece of structural violence does not escape the notice of the Geofront.  
  
Aoba: We have something huge doing a number on the docks! Wait a sec, since when did the docks sprout a spanking new industrial complex?  
Gendo: Never mind that. I want an up close look at the target.  
Hyuuga: Zooming in, now. Oh, jeez, it's BIG...  
  
The NERV bridge crew stare in absolute terror at the red monstrosity hacking its claws against yet unseen targets on the ground. Except for Gendo, of course.  
  
Gendo: Are the pilots ready, Major Katsuragi?  
Misato: Uh, well, they're still at Lab 51, being experimented on by-  
Gendo: Get them ready for launch. Now.  
Misato: Understood. Sir, do you really think the Children can handle that thing? (Turns to the sound of gasping, and gasps herself as the demon spewed out red energy from its mouth.)  
Gendo: Yellow alert status, Mr. Hyuuga.  
Hyuuga: Yellow alert, on. (Presses a switch, setting off klaxons all over the Geofront.)  
Gendo: I want the Children here, immediately.  
  
Gai: Ow, my leg...  
Kaji: What's the matter?  
Gai: I broke it, I think. (Winces in pain.) Aaaagggghhhhh!  
Kaji: Stay hidden, then. I think I see a medical facility up ahead. That could be our target.  
  
Kaji leaves Gai and heads for the pristine white building with a red cross inscribed in a circle. It wasn't tall, but it was long.  
  
Kaji: Which is a good thing, considering that there's just one of me. (Kicks the door open and steps in, bucket in hand.) What the- (Starts at the sound of mad passionate sex coming from further in the building.) Just follow the porno soundtrack, I guess.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Jemu: Ogami, summon your Koubu using your force of will! Aaaaaahhhhh!!  
Evang: Let go of him, you big slug! (Shoots little fireballs, which just splatter against the demon's hide.)  
Demon: MAKE ME!!! (Holding the techmage aloft, as if to eat him.)  
Evang: You asked for it!! BO-KANIKKU GAIZA!!!  
Ogami: Here goes nothing! Koubu, APPEAR!!  
  
A fountain of lava shoots from underneath the demon, which would have burned his uh, you know, thingies, if he had them. At the same time, Ogami's newly repaired Koubu teleports in, shiny and clean. He quickly clambers into it, and pulls out his swords. The demon screams in agony as the river of molten rock scalds it.  
  
Demon: You want him? Catch!!! (Hurls the techmage down to the pavement.)  
Ogami: That's six stories high! He won't survive if he falls all the way down! RETTSU GO, Koubu!!!  
  
Ogami fires his jump jets and snatches Jemu from the air. Evang raises pillars of varying heights from the ground for Ogami to leap onto. The demon, noticing this, starts to go berserk, reaches for one rather tall pillar and swings it around like a club. Our heroes scramble to avoid getting smashed or buried by rubble, and with sinking hope realize that they couldn't do this, even if there were three of them. When you're facing a 20-meter tall demon, you don't have a lot of options.  
  
Jemu: Shimata! Where's that Ghost Walker when you need it? (Hops onto the club as it swings to him and holds on.)  
Evang: I'm running low on mana... Aaaaghhhh!! (Gets caught by the demon's tail and flies into Ogami's Koubu, which in turn is slammed into a convenient chemical warehouse that, as expected in scenes like this, explodes.)  
  
Gai: Kaji, wherever you are, hurry the frigging hell up!! I need someone to carry me out of this hellhole!!!   
  
Kaji: Man, so absorbed in what you're doing, oh excuse me, who you're doing that you don't even notice me? Ah, well. (Takes a few rather incriminating photos and puts his spy camera away.) Okay, kids, break time!!  
  
With a splash of water from Kaji's bucket, the three teeners moan for one last time and fall limp on the bed and each other.  
  
Kaji: Shit. I didn't kill them, did I? That's just great. With Gai and his leg, how am I supposed to get them all to safety?  
BOS: There's a nearby jeep that you could use.   
Kaji: Computer? You can track me now, even here, from space?  
BOS: Who said anything about me left in space? Honestly, you humans assume too much.  
  
Gendo: Launch Units 01 and 02.  
Misato: Only the two of them?  
Gendo: We haven't installed any power outlets near that area. Units 01 and 02 both have active S2 cores, and do not require extrernal power. Unit 00 will have to stand by for base defense.  
Ritsuko: (Materializing from nowhere.) Actually, it doesn't have to.  
Misato: Eh? Where did you come from? I left you not ten minutes ago, and it takes forever to get from Lab 51 to the bridge!  
Ai: That's my fault, actually.  
Gendo: Suppose you explain, then.  
Ai: I'll be happy to.   
  
Ai gives a quick lowdown on Boson Jumpers, time-space manipulation, basically the oral version of "Nadesico Physics for Dummies."  
  
Gendo: So. Can we then utilize this to send a team along with Unit 00 into a decent firing area?  
Ai: As long as I have seen or have a visual on the target area. I once did it to a fully loaded warship.  
Aoba: Units 01 and 02 are engaging the enemy, Commander.  
Gendo: So noted. Very well, Doctor, you have my permission to execute your plan.   
  
Back at the fight...  
  
Kaji: (Driving like a maniac.) Yes! The old dictator finally decided that the damn demon is a threat to his little kingdom and has sent his bulldogs to handle it! Go, Asuka-chan, Shinji!!  
Gai: Watch it you fool, you're sending this kid crashing into my leg!!  
Sousuke: My apologies. So, if this is the bay area, where is the Tuatha de Danan?  
BOS: (Voice only, from the jeep's radio.) Do you have amnesia or something? You snuck on board the SpaceBar, which is this complex you're driving around in at the present, you got shot in the leg for trying to be a hero, and while you were being visited by these two lovely young ladies in the infirmary you all decided to have consentual sex for the rest of your lives. Until Mr. Ryoji decided to end your repopulation frenzy. Does any of that ring a bell?  
  
Jemu: About damn time. Are you sure you two guys are OK?  
Ogami: Yeah, the Koubu protected from all the burning crap. (Looks up at the red and purple robots shooting at the demon.) My god, what are those things?  
Evang: Those are called Evangelions, Ogami-san. They are bio-technological horrors similar to Wakiji but are piloted by teenage kids. And they might just save our butts.  
Ogami: Does that mean they're on our side?  
Jemu: For the time being.  
Ogami: Eeeeeeeeeeehh?  
Evang: Look, it's Rei-sama! And she's got the mother of all rocket launchers in her hands. Wait, SHE'S GOT THE MOTHER OF ALL ROCKET LAUNCHERS IN HER HANDS!!!  
  
Jemu produces an oversized metal fan from his back and unfolds it to a half-circle and presses a button on it. The fan hums, and floats at waist level. He hops on it, and it holds his weight. Not to be outdone, Evang creates a bird-shaped construct of flame and pulls himself onto its back. Ogami clambers back into his Koubu and the three speed off, just as Rei fired her first round of rockets. The demon dodges around the projectiles shot at it by the three Children and as a result, more of the SpaceBar gets wrecked. A stray rocket hits the Koubu dead center and explodes on impact.  
The poor thing is sent flying into the debris.  
  
Demon: [Thinking] What's this? My own kind fighting me, and the steady stream of power I was drawing from has vanished! I must end this soon.  
  
Putting action to words, he approached the weakest looking one, the blue one that had just appeared from nowhere and sent a wave of fire crawling toward it. The flames consumed everything in its path, buildings, vehicles and all, but they splattered against a barrier of sorts when they reached it.  
  
Demon: A shield? Let's see how it holds up to this!  
  
The demon opened its mouth and expelled its breath weapon in a continuous stream against Unit 00, all the while being pounded by explosive rounds from the two other EVAs.  
  
Asuka: It's not working, Shinji! What do we do now?!  
Shinji: Ayanamiiiiiiiii!!!  
  
Unit 01 pulls out its Prog Knife and charges the demon while its back was facing them. Unit 02 follows suit with its axe.  
  
Gendo: Shinji!  
Shinji: Father...?  
Gendo: ... Do as you please.  
Misato: Commander, if that thing turns around-  
Gendo: (Ignoring her.) Shinji, you must save Rei.  
Shinji: Understood, sir.  
Ritsuko: Is she really that important to you then, to risk your own son's life? Oh, wait, I'm being a dumb blonde again, I already know the answer to that. (Walks over to Ai, who is resting on a chair.) Are you sure you can pull out all three of them, EVAs and all, as well as the equipment and crewmen out there if necessary?  
Ai: No. That's why somebody had better make me a large pot of coffee with lots of sugar in it. And some cream as well.  
  
Flinching from the rear attacks it received, the demon turned around to face his tormentors. 'There are three,' he thought to himself, 'and I am alone and weakening. I must destroy all of them at once.' Leaping away to a position where he can see them all, he wrapped his arms around himself and crouched a little.  
  
Maya: Energy buildup detected from target!  
Aoba: Confirmed! Massive thermal, thermonuclear energy readings are coming in!  
Misato: Shinji, Asuka, raise your AT Fields!  
Shinji & Asuka: Yokai!  
Hyuuga: Unit 00's AT Field is fluctuating! It appears to be collapsing!  
Gendo: Unit 01, Unit 02, protect Rei at all costs!  
Shinji: YES!  
Asuka: You don't have to be so excited over it, Third Child.  
Ritsuko: (Quietly.) Ai? Are you ready?  
Ai: (Pulls her lab coat over her head like a hooded cloak.) I AM THE GREAT FRESSANGIO!! ARE YOU BELITTLING ME!!!  
Everyone on the NERV bridge that heard the above bigsweats. Except for Gendo "Stone-Skin" Ikari.  
  
Jemu: He's gonna blow us all up to kingdom come!  
Evang: Crap! Where's a huge invulnerable mecha when you need one?  
  
A white Armor Slave decloaks in front of them, its shotgun aimed at the two of them.   
  
Jemu: It wasn't me! I swear! It was his idea to kidnap your girlfriends and make you have mad passionate sex with them at the same time! I was in a coma while all this was going on!  
Evang: You are a bloody effing ingrate. Look, Sagara, kill us if you want to, but then who's gonna bring you back to your proper timeline if we die? By the way, where are Gai and Kaji?  
Gai: Up here! (Waves to them from the Armor Slave's other hand.) He's right Sagara, you need him alive. Could you lean down and let them up?  
  
The two self-inserts jump on to the outstretched hand, which closes into fist.  
  
Jemu: I hope this much-vaunted Lambda Drive/ Black Technology can save our behinds. By the way, where are the girls?  
Kaji: Did you think they'd bunk out with us here, or that their boyfriend would allow it?  
Jemu: But the M9 is a single-seater! Where the heck would those two sit?  
Evang: Use your dirty imagination. But don't worry, I'm sure we'll live through this. I can feel it.  
Gai: Why, are you psychic or something?  
  
Silence descends among the four.  
  
Gai: Um, let's just pretend I didn't exist until now.  
  
Demon: Now you will all die! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!  
  
Flames like those on a star erupted from the demon, tinged with the color of blood and gilt. Everything within half a kilometer suffered from the attack, and when the smoke cleared there was a lake of lava around the demon, a lot of buildings were reduced to rubble, and the EVAs nowhere to be seen.  
  
Ritsuko: Ai! AI! Aoba, help me with her!  
Aoba: Yes, Dr. Akagi.  
  
Sousuke: (Gritted teeth.) MUST! NOT! DIE! NOT AFTER JUST DISCOVERING SEX!!!  
Kaname: I'd cheerfully strangle you for that, but our lives depend on your ability to concentrate.  
Tessa: We WILL have a serious talk later. Count on it.  
  
Demon: I WON!! Hahahahahahaha-! Oh, I don't feel so good. (Takes a look down.) NOOOO!!! I am meeeeeeelllllll-ting... Oh wait, I'm just shrinking. Damn.  
  
The demon, formerly a respectabale, hulking 60 feet tall, continues to lose size and mass until it reaches one-third of its former height when it started fighting the EVAs. But even a 20-footer with a couple of MAP (Mass Annihilation Purpose) weapons and immunity to small arms fire is nothing to scoff at.   
The same thought runs through Ogami's head as his Koubu rises from the rubble... and overextends itself, venting steam from its joints. Stepping away from the faithful machine, he sees a what appears to be a huge safe, big enough to hide an upright Koubu in, all made of stainless steel, reflecting the hues of the sunset, the flames, the lava lake - LAVA LAKE? - and the demon in the middle of it - IT'S STILL ALIVE! 'For crying out loud,' he thought, 'what does it take to finish that thing off?' He slammed his fist into the side of the safe, ignoring the pain, only to jump in surprise as the safe began to hum.  
The two self-inserts, meanwhile...  
  
Evang: At least it ain't a six-story building any more.  
Jemu: Twenty feet? That's (Does some quick math) around 6 meters or so, right? I say we can take it down.  
BOS: But not before the SpaceBar is destroyed.  
Evang: BOS? You OK? How's the rest of the place?  
BOS: Pretty much in the condition you'd expect a battleship to be in if an energy torpedo exploded inside the hull. I'd expect more damage once the demon decides to stop resting in that pool of slag he created.  
Jemu: Ouch. OK, it's settled. I'm taking it out, even if it did zap me back into the waking realm. It was nice of you to be worried, but I would have woken up sooner or later. Those three pretty godesses told me I could leave when I felt I was healed enough.  
BOS: Three... godesses? What is it with women and threes?  
Jemu: Funny you should mention it. They were taking care of this huge tree, only it was a high-powered mainframe. And dig this, the gods were wusses, wimps all, that I could have made out with an angel, maybe a minor godess and no one would have stopped me.  
Evang: Good thing that imp I summoned was good for one thing.   
Jemu: Anyhoo, that's why I want that giant imp dead. You coming along?  
Evang: Why not? I feel this sudden weird urge to protect the world from that beast.   
BOS: You mean protect the kawaii schoolgirls of the world from that beast.  
Evang: Ah, computer, you know me so well. Will you visit my grave if I don't make it back?  
BOS: I'll go even one step further. I'll e-mail you in hell once you reach it.  
Evang: Asshole.  
BOS: Get going! He's almost fully rested now, and ready to finish what he started!  
Jemu: Yokai!! RETTSU GETTO HEROIC!!!  
Evang: (Bigsweats.) Ugh. Sousuke-san, you can open your fist now. Thanks for the cover, we'll take it from here.  
Sousuke: Are you sure? You might need my help, the Arbalest and I have weathered a nuclear detonation, you know.  
Jemu: Thanks for the offer, but shouldn't you be happy to be sending us off to our doom?  
Tessa: Stupid! If you die, how am I supposed to send my letter to my superiors? They might not grant my leave if you don't send us back to our proper series, and I won't get to be with Sousuke and Kaname!!!  
Evang: Can't blame your set of priorities. We promise at least one of us will come back. The other's responsibilities will pass on to both Kaji and Gai. And stop crying, we're not dead yet.  
Gai: I can't! It's so heroic!! Going off to your doom!!! I would love to join you, but I found out that dying sucks.  
Kaji: Yup, he's right about that. Ganbatte, you two.  
Jemu: Arigato. (Brings out his flight fan and leaps from the Armor Slave's hand.) Iku ze!  
Evang: (Generatesa flame jet and boosts off, leaving Gai and Kaji scuttling away.) KAMIKAZE!!!  
  
'What in the-?' Ogami leaned in close, trying to read the words forming on the silvery surface. It was a good thing they were required to study Western lingo back in the Academy. "IN-STA-N-TU WA-N-SHO-TU BAKK-KA-PPU SA-MO-NE-RU." He didn't know what those words meant, but he was pretty sure it was what the device's name. Looking at the finer characters, he saw that they were in kanji. "Praise heavens!," he crowed. "'Dream of your salvation, hold it in your heart, and press X, L1, circle, R2, triangle, square?'" Looking at the metal again, he saw the embossed symbols. "Very well. Please come." After memorizing the position of the symbols, he closed his eyes in concentration. "Help me. Minna-san." His fingers depressed the button marked 'X'.  
  
"Any last words, little humans?" the demon asked the humans he held in his hands? "I won't accept farewell essays."  
Jemu felt the familiar sensation of hammerspace being torn, at the same time that Evang felt a shift of chaos. "Yeah. By the pricking of my thumbs, something cool this way comes." "Look behind you, stupid."  
"Huh. I'm not gonna fall for that one. What a pathetic set of phrases to be remembered by. Although it does fit you." The demon gave a bellow of laughter, then began to squeeze, causing the two to cry out. It was loud enough to drown out the sound of the explosion which sent Ogami tumbling away.  
  
Sakura: Oogami-san!  
Sumire: Chuui-san!!  
Iris: Onii-chan!!!!  
Maria: Taichou!  
  
Ogami pushes himself up on his hands, settling into a sitting position.  
  
Kanna: Hey, Taichou, did you do all this? I'm impressed!  
Kohran: Wow, look at this mess, Taichou.  
Orihime: That stupid Japanese man caused all this destruction? I knew he was bad news, but not this bad.  
Reni: I don't think Oogami-san did all this. Not by himself, anyway.   
Rachette: Gee, what gave you that idea? Could it be that huge, spiky, red, horned thing standing the size of a small building?  
Erica: Oh, God, it's a demon! A real, live, red, horny, demon!  
Lobelia: No shit, Sister.  
Glycine: And you don't have to be so excited over seeing one. Did you happen to notice the size of that thing? It's as huge as that monster that abducted Oogami-san. I think. Bah, the hell with details, it's big!!!  
Coquelicot: Look! There he is! Ichiro-san!  
Hanabi: Oogami-san! He's hurt!  
Ogami: Sorry, I'm not very presentable, I'm afraid. I've had a rough day.  
Sakura: Day? Whatever do you mean, day? We were having a tense face-off which turned into this brawl-  
Sumire: And where is this place? This doesn't look like the Imperial Capital to me.  
Ogami: I'll explain later.  
Maria: You had better. In case you've forgotten, we're still pissed off at you, Taichou.  
Iris: I can feel it. So big, and so evil.  
Coquelicot: Hey, some people are screaming. It seems to be coming from - eeep!!  
Ogami: I know I have no right to ask this of you, but I must: will you fight alongside me one more time? I'll understand if you tell me off. I deserve to die, after what I did to all of you.  
Erica: Don't say of such things, Ogami-san. Even Jesus Christ forgave his killers. We could be expected to do no less.  
Ogami: Are you really the same women that night at the harbor?  
Lobelia: We still are. And that's what you should be worried about.  
Kanna: But we'll still help you out, Taichou. Don't worry.   
Rachette: If only to have you alive when they extract payment from you later on.  
Ogami: (Noticing the new Eisenkleid.) Forgive my rudeness. I'm-  
Rachette: I know who you are. Oogami Ichirou, skirt-chasing but excellent team leader of the Teikoku Kagekidan Hanagumi, and of the Paris Kagekidan. It is I who must apologize for rudeness. I am Rachette Altair, your temporary replacement.   
Ogami: I'd like to say it's a pleasure to meet you, but I'd rather not die yet. (Eyes the other Koubu nervously.) Um...  
Rachette: I understand your situation. Frankly, you can have this position back as soon as you want. I understand now the logic of getting a man for a tactical leader of the Hanagumi.  
Ogami: Thanks. I think.  
Kohran: Say, Ogami-san, is that your Koubu lying in a heap over there?  
Lobelia: Wow. What did you do, ram it into all these buildings? Jean's not going to be pleased if when he see's this.  
Hanabi: Leave the fighting to us, Oogami-san.  
Ogami: I said I'd fight alongside you. All of you. And I'll do it.  
Glycine: What do you plan to do? Punch, kick that monster?  
Rachette: I know it's important to keep up appearances, but-  
Ogami: Appearances? You worry about appearances? How's this? (Produces a lightning aura in a manner similar to that of a DBZ character.) Pretty flashy, wouldn't you say?  
Iris: Onii-chan is very powerful now. Much more powerful than the wuss that he used to be.  
Reni: Iris! Where did you learn such language?  
Coquelicot: I guess she got it from hanging around Lobelia too much. Or is it the other way around?  
Lobelia: You, of course, would know about it. Firsthand experience, you know?  
Ogami: Save it for the enemy. Let's go, ladies! Let's put on a good show!!  
  
Shouts of approval ring out from about a block from where the demon stood, forcing the demon to turn away from the broken bodies of his victims. 'More pests,' it thought. 'Still, they possess power, but nothing to rival mine. Except for that man without armor. I see that he's still alive. Once I take him out, the rest will hardly be a challenge.' He started stomping his way toward them.  
  
[INSERT SAKURA TAISEN TV EPISODE 26 FIGHT SCENE, FIRST PART, HERE, EXCEPT THERE ARE MORE KOUBU, AND THE ENEMY IS LARGER. ALSO, THERE IS NO COOL-LOOKING EVIL SWORDSMAN FLOATING NEAR THE MONSTER'S HEAD.]  
  
The demon surveyed the metal shells scattered around him. "You are weak!!" he bellows. "Even you, thunder wielder, you are weakened by your concern for these friends of yours!" He notices the Koubu getting to their feet,and he laughs. "Do you really love pain that much? As much as I love dealing it out?"  
"Erica, you and Iris get everyone back to full strength. I'll buy you some time." With that Ogami stepped forward, snakelets of electricity running up and down his arms.  
"Hahahahahaha! Buy your friends some time to escape, will you? Let's see how much your sacrifice is worth!"  
"If I'm lucky, my next attack will kill you."  
"Brave words. Bring it! Show me and your friends your blaze of glory, which will soon be but a memory!!"  
Ogami lets out a ki'ai and charges forward, right hand poised as if to deliver an overhand punch. Electricity forms around his fist and forearm, resolving into a lance-like shape, the crackling and sizzling audible to all in the area.  
"Fool! A headlong rush? You make this too easy for me!" The demon reaches his arms back and swings them forward, flames erupting from the ground toward the onrushing human.  
"No! Oogami-san!" Erica cried out. "Grace Au Ciel!" 'Please, heal us, before it's too late.' A yellow glow catches her attention. 'Bless you, Demoiselle Chateauxbriand.'  
Then, as the flames were about to engulf him, Oogami vanished, then reappeared, fist pulled back, in front of the demon. And all around it as well. "Mirror-Illusion attack?" the demon roared.  
"Not illusion, TAICHOU ARASHIIII!!!" said all the Oogamis at once.  
Once, twice, thrice, fourteen times, the demon shrieked as lightning sliced through it, leaving glowing after-images of their passing. Seen from the air, the sight resembled a glowing snowflake, with the beast at the center. And as the last duplicate returned to Oogami, who dropped to his knees from exhaustion, a huge bolt of lightning arced its way down to the electrically trapped demon, splitting it down the middle. Both halves hit the ground with a loud crash, still smoking. Panting, Oogami shook his head to ward the dizziness away.  
"You did it, Taichou!"  
"Damn. I wanted a piece of that demon. No one gets away knocking me down without paying for it."  
"You were awesome, onii-chan!"  
"When did you learn that attack, Taichou? Could you teach me how to do that?"  
"Just like how I imagined an angel would fight!"  
"Tres magnifique!"  
"Is it just me, or are those two zombies walking toward us?" Reni asked.  
"ZOMBIES?!" everyone else exclaimed, looking at the direction Reni was pointing her lance at. Sure enough, a couple of human-looking figures, their spines and torsos bent at odd angles, were making their way toward the group.  
"Let me up, Sakura, Maria, I need to see this."  
"Aw, come on, Taichou, let us do it. We didn't do anything at all during the last scene."  
"But-"  
"Kanna's right, Oogami-san. Let the others handle it. I mean, Sumire, Kanna, Lobelia and Glycine are already out of their Koubu and heading to meet those, whatever those two are."  
  
"It was a good thing we installed the DCA."  
"Honestly, I wasn't thinking that we'd be in need of it. I can't feel my hips, my legs..."  
"But you can walk."  
"If you call this shuffling along a walk. I feel like a reanimated corpse."  
"Are you?" a haughty feminine voice asked them. Turning, that is, trying to turn and face their accoster, the two revived self-inserts end up piling onto each other.  
"Zombies? I think they're like bad clowns. You know, they never die, because you always see at least one in a circus?"  
"Does that mean we don't get to fight them?"  
"Well, ladies, if you COULD beat us back into shape, we'd be more than happy to return the favor."  
"Evang, you are an idiot! What if they beat us worse than we already are?"  
"What's worse than this? I mean, with that power I lent to Ogami, plus his harem girls, he should have defeated it by now. What else is there to fear?"  
"Ogami? Are you talking about our Oogami-taichou?"  
"One of YOU lent Chuui-san power?"  
"HAREM GIRLS?!"  
"Looks like we can get to do some beating down after all."  
"Uh, help?"  
  
"My that certainly looks like fun?" Kohran noted.  
"What does?" Maria asked.  
"Well, they look like they're beating the zombies up. I mean, Sumire isn't using the sharp end of her naginata. They're just kicking them around, like stones on a road."  
"HA-CHOO!"  
"Oh, are you getting a cold, Oogami-san?" Sakura inquired. Or maybe it was Hanabi. Heck, it could be anyone of the women clustered around him.  
"No, just a slight delayed reaction. Please, let me up. I have to stop those four from beating my benefactors to death."  
"You heard Oogami-kun, out of his way!"  
"Since when did you start calling him Oogami-kun?"  
"Why? I felt like it."  
  
"Minna, stop! You don't want them dead, trust me, they're more amusing alive."  
"You found being broiled alive amusing, Chuui-san?" Sumire asked, one eyebrow raised. The rest stopped their attacks, turning to watch Oogami as he knelt near the two.  
"I'm sorry about this, guys. They're really wonderful girls, honest. You must have done something to tick them off."  
"Actually, it was more of what they said, Oogami-san."  
"Oogami-san? Koff, koff. Not hiding anymore, are we?"  
"You might Gasp. regret it Wheeze. later."  
"True. By the way, I didn't know I could do that super-cheesy attack, although the name leaves a lot to be desired."  
"Can't be helped. As the awakener of your passive abilities, I had to come up with quick names for your urgently needed 'hissatsu no wasa'."  
"You awakened his powers? In less than a day, and he already knows a really good kick-ass move? What gives? I thought you had to train for years to get one?" Jemu asked, incredulous.  
"Oh, it's simple enough. I just transferred all my lightning element skills and spells into his body. His chi was so weak, it welcomed the new power with ooen arms."  
"Are you implying that you thought I was a wuss?"  
"Ask the lovely Miss Kanzaki, here. He was, wasn't he?"  
"How do you know my name?"  
"He's a big fan of yours, ma'am. I like the Paris Kagekidan more, though."  
"Think you flattery will get you my sympathy?" Glycine asked.  
"Nah. I mean, a nun with a machinegun! Now that rocks!"  
"One question though. If the rest of your teams are headed this way, who's guarding your Koubu and Eisenkleid?"  
"No one. Why?"  
"BECAUSE WE ARE BACK!!! AND YOU WILL FEEL TWICE THE PAIN YOU HAVE INFLICTED, MORTAL, AND YOU WILL WISH THAT YOU HAD BURNED EARLIER!!!!"  
"OH, SHIIIIIIIIIIITTTT!!!"  
"It would appear that the demon took the time off to regenerate itself totally after Oogami-san sliced it in half."  
"Eww. Like a starfish? I hate those critters."  
"Umm, you girls CAN fight out of your mecha, right? 'Cause now we got two twenty-foot tall demons in here, and it's already nighttime."  
"Not to worry. If it's lighting you need," Jemu fires a flare pistol into the air, "it's no problem at all."  
The slowly descending light illuminates the area in an orange glare, making everything, the Koubu, the humans, and the demons, look weird.   
"Well, Oogami, what the hell do we do now?" Evang asked, not taking his eyes off the demons.  
"Operation Whispercatcher. You know your role, take Jemu with you for backup. I'll lead the rest."  
"Got it. I've exhausted most of my fire spells, but my earth spells, now that's a different matter. Jemu- what the hell is that?"  
"This? It's a spirit-energy analyzer. Very useful, as it tells you how much energy your target has, and if given enough analysis time, it tells you what type of energy it is. You can also use it as a Halloween mask."  
"Wow, you're an inventor too?" Kohran asked.  
"Yeah. Say, we should get together after this, and I'll show you all sorts of cool devices." ^_^  
"EXCUSE ME, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLE HERE! HELLO!!? YOU CAN TRADE YOUR DIRTY JOKES LATER, IF YOU SURVIVE."  
"Fine. Jemu, take the ugly one."  
"No, you take the ugly one!!!"  
  
Back at the Geofront...  
  
"So, how is she?" Ritsuko asked the medic.  
"Not good. Her heart rate is low, and so is her blood pressure. I'm not even sure if she'll pull through."  
"She will. She has to. We need her," she snapped. Then quietly, so the medic wouldn't hear, "I need you, Ai."  
  
"What does it take to destroy that thing?" Fuyutsuki asked to no one in particular. "It gets cut in half by lightning, and then it grows back into two new monsters! It's f*cking unkillable!!"  
"Calm yourself, old friend. Nothing is unkillable. Major, how are the EVAs doing?"  
"Well commander, they're still 100% functional. Unit 00 did sustain some armor damage, but our staff is currently working on it as we speak."  
"That is good news."  
"They're moving! Both targets are moving! They appear to be fighting something or someone small, man-sized, I think. Whatever they are, they can fly. They're currently flying circles around them," Aoba reported.  
"I have satellite image over the battle now," Hyuuga called out. "Taking us closer as we speak."  
"There are still people in the area?" Misato asked, not believeing the image. "Are they nuts?"  
"No, they're flowers, I think."  
Everyone turned to stare at Maya. "Um, sorry, bad joke."  
  
"LET'S ROCK!" Evang cried out as he melded into the humanoid mass of stone and earth that he had raised. Rising as tall as the infernal enemy, the golem swung its huge fist at the demon it was facing off against. But the demon ducked the punch easily, grabbed the outstretched limb, fell to its knee and threw the golem and the mage to the ground, raising a huge dust cloud in the process.  
"I don't know which is worse," the demon mocked Evang, "your fighting abilities or your jokes! I mean, your attempts at fighting are laughable, while your attempts at humor are not!"   
Jemu was having better luck with his oversized opponent. He was flying around the demon's legs, slowly chipping away at his enemy with his guns and not getting hit. Until the golem disintegrated and fell into chunks to the ground, burying the redmage. Not wanting to get crushed by the deadfall, Jemu stopped, only to be kicked like a ball by the demon he was shooting at. "Dammit, Oogami, where the hell are youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" Seconds later, the characteristic twinkle of someone entering Low Earth Orbit was seen.  
"JEMU-SAN! EVANG-SAN! You, you, you, BAKEMONOO! SHIIIIIIII NEEEEEE!!"  
With those eloquent words, Oogami teleported, and something in him snapped. "Nanpa Hidden Super Desperation Final Attack - 14 Knights of the Periodic Table!!!"  
"What did Taichou just say?"  
"Who cares!?" Maria shouted. "Teigeki, Parigeki, Anti-Evil Formation, version IV!"  
"What's version IV?" Lobelia asked.  
"Just hit it with your best shots!"  
"You heard her, let's go!"  
"Minna, look at onii-chan!"  
"Which one, Iris? There are 14 of him!"  
Indeed, it seemed that there were 14 spiky-haired, shirtless, electrically charged skirtchasers confronting the demons, two groups of seven versus one. Oogami literally was all over it, delivering rapid series of attacks all around and up and down his enemies, electricity crackling and infernal flesh sizzling each time he made contact. As the Koubu came closer, the speed of the attacks diminished, but not the intensity. From a flurry of blows, it slowed down to single charged punches from each one of them. "Feel our pain, anger, and vengeance! Helios, Neos, Argos, Xenos, Rados! Mizu, Hi, Kaze, Daichi! Ichi, Ni, San, Shi, GO!!!"   
With the last shout, all 14 delivered a charged uppercut to each demon. The two are sent flying into the air, where they smacked into each other and were pierced by 14 lightning bolts from the small nanpa army. A bright light flashed, the whole scene goes still, changes to black and white, and after enough dramatic hiatus time starts to flow again, and the color returns. But where there were formerly two demons, there was now just one, and severly weakened to boot. It hit the ground with a loud, messy, resounding crash, making a nice crater, into which the Koubu swarmed into and set about doing what they do best.  
Oogami watched the scene, and suddenly felt his knees buckle. "Heavens," he thought, "I'm so tired, I'm seeing double. No wait, triple, four-" He crumples to a heap on the road. So do the other thirteen.  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
There was a screen of some sort, floating in Oogami's head. It kinda looked like this:  
=====================================================================  
*Oogami Unit -- Status -- Activity Currently Engaged In -- "Free Will"*  
1 Ichiro -- Healthy -- Resting -- ON  
2 Niro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
3 Sano -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
4 Shiro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
5 Goro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
6 Mizu -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
7 Hi -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
8 Kaze -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
9 Daichi -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
10 Helios -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
11 Neos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
12 Argos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
13 Xenos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
14 Rados -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
=====================================================================  
'This is weird,' Oogami thought to himself. 'Am I dead? Are the others alright?' Then he noticed a change in the screen:  
=======================================================================  
*Oogami Unit -- Status -- Activity Currently Engaged In -- "Free Will"*  
1 Ichiro -- Healthy -- Resting -- ON  
2 Niro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
3 Sano -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
4 Shiro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
5 Goro -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
6 Mizu -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
7 Hi -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
8 Kaze -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
9 Daichi -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
10 Helios -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
11 Neos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
12 Argos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
13 Xenos -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
14 Rados -- Healthy -- Resting -- OFF  
*Something is happening! Would you like to switch from Tabular to Multi View?* [YES] -- [NO] [HELP] =========================================  
  
'I want to see what's going on,' Oogami thought. 'I'll take yes.' Instantly, the list disappeared, being replaced by what appeared to be surveillance monitors, arrange five across, three tall. He could see himself on each screen, lying in bed, a different Koubu pilot seated on the side, clasping his hand. The one on the lower right corner, though, did not show a video. Instead, it contained this:  
*Metal Taisen Solid: Strategic Dating Action*  
1) Help Menu  
2) Toggle Free Will  
3) Status Window  
4) Edit Character Profile/Personality  
5) Save [The World]  
6) Load  
7) Options  
8) Settings  
9) Change View Mode  
0) Jump to Unit  
  
'WHAT THE HELL?'  
  
Outside the infirmary, BOS, Jemu, and Evang were laughing their heads off. "That was a little heavyhanded, wasn't it, guys?" the computer asked.  
"Nah. Say, I wanna know, how come we can still talk to you, even though it's not a station anymore?" Jemu asked BOS.  
"Hello? What's my name?" the computer hooted.  
"Huh?"  
"Say my name, bitch!"  
"Um, 'kay, BOS."  
"My full name!!!"  
"Brain of Space... oh. OH. OOOOHHH!!"  
Evang piped up. "You think he can handle this twisted product of our collective imaginations?"  
"Don't think so."  
"It'll be fun to watch, though. So, this multiple personality thingy is permanent?"  
"I'd like to run a few experiments on some of them. I mean, the Milchstrasse kid doesn't feel shit for him, and the same goes for the acting commander of the Teigeki and that Italian diva. They wouldn't mind if I accidentally off an Oogami or three."  
"You kidding? Okay, so Reni and Ms. Altair might not mind, but I'm telling you, that half-Italian is just using her I-Hate-Japanese-Men-Save-My-Father schtick as a shield to hide her emotions."  
"I've downloaded some docs from the 'Net," BOS interrupted, "And get this: only one member of the Paris team is above eighteen."  
"WOW!"  
Jemu smacks down his sidekick. "Down, boy. Bad dog. Say, I've been dreading to ask this, but here goes: damage report?"  
"In a word: BAD."  
"Details please," said Evang, pulling himself off the floor elbowing Jemu in the ribs.  
"Okay. For starters, we've just lost about 3.5 km of length. See, the SpaceBar was originally designed as a chain of 9 huge hammerspace control and containment cubes half a kilometer to a side. That's a huge box, 4.5 km long, half a kilometer tall and wide. Now, when the two cloaked intruders snuck aboard, I was ordered to jettison some mass-"  
"When did this happen? What cloaked intruders?"  
"It happened while you were sleeping. M9 Armor Slaves ring a bell?"  
"Ah. Thanks for the info, Evang. Sorry, BOS, continue."  
"OK. I ejected layers of hammerspace all around, since I wasn't able to pinpoint where exactly the intruders were. I released the equivalent of one C&C cube, just to be sure that I got them both. Then this miniature apocalypse happened, and the MAP (Mass Annihilation Purpose) weapons of that thing, coupled with its aura of entropy, nearly destroyed all the remaining 8 cubes. I mean, having a small star go nova is bad enough, but throw in high-powered short-range energy blasts and a continuous emission of entropy nearly did us all in. If Oogami and his girls hadn't killed it, it would have destroyed the SpaceBar in 24 hours just by standing there and doing nothing. Like, OK, the structures could be rebuilt, but you can't say the same for hammerspace once it's gone."  
"I thought hammerspace was infinite, undestroyable. Just like energy," Evang said.  
"You're wrong, my friend. There is no such thing as the Law of Conservation of Hammerspace. If there was such a Law, everything fictional we've defeated or that had been destroyed would have appeared somewhere else, somewhere that it might happen with more probability. Take the clean Unit 03, for instance."  
"Yeah, you're right. It should have been launched along with the others earlier, if it had been there. Crap! What happened to the other characters we sent off packing?"  
"Let's save it for another episode. Just like what happens to Oogami and his girls, and whether Ai will pull through or not."  
  
NEXT EPISODE: SPACEBAR 11! 


	11. Peace At Last

SpaceBar Adventures 11: System Recovery Episode

by Jemu Nekketsu

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the following series which I have messed up with in my last ten works, and probably more so in my upcoming ones: Takes a deep breath Kidou Senkan Nadesico, Shin Seiki Evangelion, Full Metal Panic, and Sakura Taisen. I also ripped off a few song lines from Mazinger Z, Gekiganger, and Gundam X. If you want to send flames, icicles, bolts, whatever, go ahead.

Author's Note: This will be my first attempt to write totally without resorting to script format. If you find mistakes, or you see script format, it means I couldn't take it anymore, the strain was too much.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

      The surrounding buildings are being hosed down, the debris being cleared, with the dubious assistance of Tokyo-3. After all, the least they could have done was this, seeing that this "Neo-Industrial Complex" took most of the beating. If it hadn't been there, more of their fair city would have been leveled. Of course, given the weekly attacks of extraterrestrial horrors that Tokyo-3 gets, the citizens were more or less inured to the effects of a massive battle downtown.

      It was daybreak, and the early light fell on the two figures sitting against the wall of a white building with a red cross painted on the roof. One of them, wearing a tattered red cloak and looking like he just stepped out of a medieval fantasy roleplaying game, was sleeping. The other, dressed in a modern business shirt, pants, and gunbelts on his sides and waist, was hunched over a portable computer. He wasn't typing on the keyboard, though; he was speaking quietly to the monitor, so as not to wake up his snoring companion.

      "Status report, please."

      "Everyone on this berg is fine. The fires are being put out, the place getting cleaned up, the three oversexed teenagers from FMP are dozing in separate beds in the infirmary, as are Gai and Kaji."

      "Hmm." Jemu falls silent for a moment. "And have you filesaved the Arbalest's anatomy in to your databases?"

      "Yeah, and what's more, I now have a working knowledge of Black Technology. That, coupled with the Improbability Machine, the Chrono-Twister, and the Boson Jump Blackbox, I can attempt to return us to mobile mode."

      "Attempt? As in, `It's risky, we're not sure if it will succeed but we'll go ahead, anyway?`"

      "Um, yes. But at least we tried!"

      "Go to hell."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *      

      Sousuke Sagara woke up, feeling disoriented. All he remembered was watching a huge lightning storm last night, and talking to Tessa and Kaname until he fell asleep from, exhaustion, he guessed. Blinking against the light that streamed in from a window, he pushed himself up. At least, he tried to. He found that he couldn't, and when he looked down, he knew why.

      Kaname Chidori muttered something about "zero-gravity suspension systems" and some other nonsense and snuggled deeper into her pillow. 'Funny,' Kaname's mind told itself sleepily, 'I didn't know hospital pillows grew bones nowadays. I do hope it doesn't become a trend, because playing hooky would lose some of its appeal.'

      Teletha Tesstarossa, Tessa to those close to her, was dreaming of white slopes, blue skies, snow falling gently from the clouds, and a snowmobile ride downhill with her favorite subordinate. They were going rather fast, which Tessa didn't mind at all and in fact enjoyed, until they went over a ramp and flying into the air. Not wanting to get thrown, she grabbed on to her companion, hard.

      Sousuke grinned. After all, school was still out, his CO and his ward didn't need to be protected or rescued. All in all, a good reason to sleep in. Pulling the two closer, he closed his eyes again, a silly smile on his face.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

      Oogami Ichiro's consciousness was a computer monitor, currently running on a non-graphic user interface. In other words, text and type mode. It was also asking him a rather pressing question:

      WARNING! MAJOR CHANGES HAVE BEEN MADE TO 13 SUB-PROFILES. DO YOU WISH TO PROCEED? (Y/N)_

      "Hell, yeah, let's go!" Oogami said aloud. This little outburst woke the long-haired maiden in the chair next to him.

      "Oogami-kun?"

      ONCE UPDATED, THE CHANGES CANNOT BE UNDONE. YOU ARE AWARE, OF COURSE, OF THE INSANE POSSIBILITIES THIS ACTION MIGHT SPAWN. YOU HAVE SELECTED THE FOLLOWING OPTIONS:

[X] FREE WILL ON ALL SUB-UNITS (full consciousness and sense of self)

[X] HUMANITY 100% (all emotions, good and bad enabled, learning enabled)    

[X] FAITHFUL (if the box is checked, no skirt-chasing for those affected)

[X] MULTIFORM SUPER FORCES RECOMBINATION (just like it says)

[X] COMMAND MENU WHEN K.O.d (no need to explain this one)

PROCEED? (Y/N)

      "I can't wait anymore! Let's do it already!"

      ABANDON HOPE, NOW. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

      He woke up with a gasp. Damn, but his head hurt. "I sincerely hope that those guys feel as bad as I do. Oh, my head."

      "Oogami-kun, are you alright?" Sakura inquired, worried. "Do you need medicine? Water?"

      'Time to try something out,' Oogami thought. "Oogami-kun? Is that what my name is?"

      'Oh, dear, he doesn't remember his own name!' Sakura thought, horrified. "Well, yes. You're Oogami Ichirou, and I'm-"

      "I remember you! You're my wife! Come here and give me a kiss, darling." He reached for her, pulling her out of the seat and onto the bed.

      SLAP!!!!!

      "ITAIII!! Sakura, don't tell me you've taken to asking Kanna to teach you her karate." Oogami lifted his left hand to his cheek. He had the feeling that he was going to be sporting a very interesting tattoo later in the day. Still, his right hand did not relinquish its hold on the girl's knee. Not when she could use it to do some MAJOR DAMAGE.

      Sakura edged away from him as quickly as possible in her awkward position. Her skirts getting tangled with the sheets and his legs weren't exactly helping either. "Oogami-san, you're inexcusable! Let me go!" She wasn't too quiet with her last statement, causing the rest of the Kagekidan to wake up.

      "Sakura, what's the racket about? It's an unholy time to be up and screaming the whole place down!" Sumire demanded crossly. 

      "It's amazing to see her up and screeching so early in the morning. Then again, what can we expect from the Magnificent snake woman?" Kanna retorted, not bothering to stifle a yawn.

      "What did you mean by that remark, you monkIIIIIYAAAAAAAAH!" Sumire shrieked in surprised as she felt someone squeeze her bottom. Never, never before had anyone dared do such to her, not even her admirers. Looking behind her, she saw that the hand was attached to an arm belonging to an amused Oogami.

      "I just love that squeal of yours, Sumire. Such a nice pitch and strength to it. I wonder what else would elicit such a sound from you?"

      SLAP!!!!! Scratch, Scratch, Scratch, Scratch!

      The two Oogamis being watched over by Coquelicot and Iris looked at each other. One of them raised his eyebrow, as if to ask something, to which the other one replied "This is going to be a very interesting day, my friend."

      "The first of many. What the-! Iris!"

      "Onii-chan is awake! Wai! Iris can tell everybody that she slept with Onii-chan!!!"

      "Ano, Iris, I don't think that would be to good an idea," Coquelicot advised her friend.

      "Why? It's true, isn't it? You also spent the night with Onii-chan."

      The little brunette had the decency to redden slightly at her friend's innocent yet dangerous remark. "Because-" she walked around the bed to whisper something to Iris.

      "Dude, you look like a pedophile, having a kid on your bed and another just standing beside it."

      "Aw, come on, man. Don't I look like an invalid older brother that they're checking on?"

      "Let's see. If they're sisters, then why don't you share either hair or eye color with them?"

      "Ah, ah, I was born on the wrong side of the blanket?"

      "Even worse. I think bastards can marry their half-sisters."

      "THEY WHAT!!!"

      "I'm not too sure. I mean, I'm a sailor, not a lawyer!"

      "Know the difference between a sailor and a lawyer? If you toss both in a shark-infested part of the ocean, the sailor dies."

      Several loud crashes, then some loud male groans were heard. Yep, it was going to be a very interesting morning.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

      Outside, Jemu was laughing his fool head off, waking up the sleeping redmage. "Hey, jackass, what's so funny?" Evang asked grumpily. He was having such a nice dream about steaming bowls of rice and a bunny girl and a couple of cute cat-girl sisters. The things one could do with rice, if one had enough creativity. The thoughts made his mouth water.

      Jemu showed him the video feed from inside the infirmary, and Evang roared with mirth. "Baka player taichou. Serves him right. Oww. That's got to hurt," he commented when Kanna connected to a rather vulnerable spot.

      "I'm betting that that particular Oogami would be beating Orihime when it comes to singing the high notes for maybe the whole day."

      "Shame. If it was for longer, maybe he could audition for a role."

      The two men shared a chuckle, then looked up as the infirmary doors flew open. Sousuke Sagara dashed out, his, ahem, former bedmates in tow.

      "Good morning, Mr. Sagara. We haven't been introduced yet. I'm Jemu, the other half of, or rather third of this crazy operation."

      "You're the one in charge of that madhouse in there?" Sousuke asked.

      "No, that dubious honor goes to my partner, here."

      "So, my boy, how's the leg? All fixed up, hmm? And you, ladies? All bangGURPHKKK!" Evang never got to finish his sentence, as Jemu jammed a fist in his mouth to prevent him from speaking.

      "If you'll forgive this barbarian here? Now, if I remember correctly, there's a certain letter that needed to be delivered somewhere?"

      BOS chimed in from the laptop before the captain of the Tuatha de Danan could reply. "Alright! I have it! 74% chance of success! Am I a genius or what?"

      Evang was puzzled. Pulling Jemu's fist out of his big mouth, he asked "74% success on what?"

      "On being able to fold out of attachment from Tokyo-3, with an imperfect manipulation the Radichavel in my core, that's what. With a Whispered in the seat, though, it's an automatic success!"

      "There are no things that are 'automatic' in this life," Tessa quipped. "And what makes you think we'd help you, after kidnapping us?"

      "Well, you did help us rescue those three trapped children."

      "You are hardly children, you know. Unless you consider mental age," Kaname retorted.

      "OK, Captain Tesstarossa, consider this. If the SpaceBar lifts off again, we can ensure the delivery of your letter to wherever you point us to. Unless of course, you don't want us finding where Mithril HQ is. Still, if you do this for us, your letter will be sent. We'll even drop you off at Sousuke's flat, or Kaname's, whichever you prefer. We'll also inform Weber-san and Mao-san of your whereabouts so that they won't go looking for you."

      "I'd rather not have those two know where I'm going on my leave."

      "But of course. So, tell me, Captain, will you deal with this computer? If not, I'll just study the Radichavel for another day, and I can do the feat without your assistance. Either way, the SpaceBar will fly again," BOS continued.

      "DUCK!!!" Jemu exclaimed, diving for the ground. Seeing this, Sousuke reacted, pulling down Kaname and Tessa on top of him as he fell. At the last moment, Evang dropped as well, an energy blast burning through the infirmary wall and neatly scorching his hair down the middle. The beam continued, and splattered against something. A second later, an M9 appeared, it's left knee smoking. It fell sideways, forcing a second M9 to decloak from the impact. After the crash, the infirmary and the surroundings fell silent. It was broken by the sound of Ryoji Kaji and Daigouji Gai cursing. The doors flew open, and the whole circus came outside for a look-see.

      "Looks like a bona fide cotillion promenade, eh?" Evang quipped. As if choreographed, the Oogami army marched out single file, the Kagekidan members doing the same to the left of them. They formed a neat row, an Oogami alternating with a girl until the end, all looking at the M9s and their pilots as they crawled out. Then, Kaji, with two day's growth of beard on his face, peeked out and grinned in relief.

      "Freaky, is what it is. Wait till Yoneda and Grand Mere hear about this," Jemu replied. "Better yet, when they see this. They are not gonna believe their eyes. Even that old drunk will sober up when he sees gets a load of this."

      "Captain, are you okay? You look pale. Oh, wait. I mean to say, you look like you've just seen Sousuke naked. Oh, wait, you have."

      In a shaky whisper, Tessa replied "So where is your Radichavel?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

      Less than an hour later, the SpaceBar II was floating freely in its usual spot between the moon and the earth, keeping an orbit synchronous with the moon. Thus, as the moon rose, people could see a small speck on the moon's face. A speck that was actually a kilometer across, half a kilometer long, and a quarter of a kilometer high.

      Once again, the Main Lounge is open. Although at the moment it resembled more of a museum room, being filled with people gaping at the display windows. They were gaping not at ancient weapons, or the newest in military technology. They were simply staring at something that had been there for quite a while, yet not totally appreciated yet.

      "We're actually in outer space! I don't believe it!" Tessa cried.

      "So. This is how you probably tracked down where the TDD was being repaired," Sousuke remarked.

      "Well, actually," BOS replied, startling the actresses on board, "being up here just made it easier to hack into the spy satellites. It also made the intrusion virtually undetectable."

      "Kaji! Another round of tonics here! I think they haven't gotten all over the shock yet!"

      "Yokai! Another round it is. I'll get back to you later, Ms. Mao. You know, you remind me of someone. Strong, brave, holds her drink well..."

      "Attention everyone, this is your chef speaking. We will be having a small motion picture showing for our special guests, the world-renowned Teikoku and Paris Kagekidan. Please, do not freak out if the chairs suddenly come out of the floor. They won't grab you or pinch you, not like some perverts I could mention," Evang's voice came over the PA.

      "Hey, I resent that remark!" "Me too!" "Uh, me three?"

      A projector screen rolled out from the ceiling in front of the seats. The lights went dim, and the screen flared to life. On the screen, in Japanese, English, and French, were the words "WELCOME TO THE 20th CENTURY: A GUIDE TO CHANGING TIMES."

      "Well, that takes care of them. BOS, how're the other components coming along?" Jemu asked, still snickering over the title. Izumi would have found it amusing as well, then get depressed as she didn't think of it first. He had to hand it to Evang.

      "I am pleased to report that the Hammerspace hangar and Mecha Lab has been completed. As you know, the Dead Characters Apartments were undamaged, but the same cannot be said for the Wreck Room. Also, we do not have entry points scattered through out the ani-verse anymore. They're the first to go, in crisis situations like the one we had."  

      "You sound like a prissy protocol and procedure robot I saw in an old movie once. What did you do to my BOS?" 

      "Cripes, if only I hadn't promised no more summon spells! Daigouji! Get your otaku bum in here, I got a job for you," Evang shouted. Miraculously, the sound carried over to Gai, sitting on the other side of the room with his chair tipped back, and the film viewers didn't notice. He got up and strode across the floor to the kitchen.

      "And now," the film continued, "we go to a major concern of the 20th century: getting laid. More precisely, how to have sex with minimal chances of getting the woman pregnant..."

      "Pregnant?" Kaname, seated beside Melissa, repeated the word with trepidation.

      "Yeah. You know, knocked up, nine months, one in the oven, expecting, delayed... wait a minute, are you saying..." Melissa broke off, cursing in Chinese and taking a swallow of her beer.

      "Nothing to worry about, kid," Jemu said as he sat on a stool. "When you and Sousuke and Tessa were, shall we say, expressing your emotions toward each other, you were protected."

      "But I don't carry condoms around with me."

      "And neither do I. I'm not on anything. Are you, Kaname-chan?"

      The blue-haired girl shook her head. A small sweatdrop appears on Jemu's head. "Ah, but Sousuke does. You even joked about using them to carry 2 liters of water, right?" Sousuke just gave him the Death Glare.

      Melissa looked at her friend with no small amount of mischief. "Next time, I'll give you the whole box, eh, Sagara? Just to make sure."

      "By the way, I almost forgot, where's Kurz?" Sousuke asked. Melissa laughed at his blatant attempt to change the subject.

      "Well, since your Captain here didn't want us to see where Mithril HQ was located, someone had to go there and deliver her notice of leave. We'll just have to wait until he signals us for the news," Jemu answered. A comm-window popped into existence, signaling that someone was hailing the SpaceBar II. "That must be him, now. SpaceBar II, can we help you?"

      Kurz's face appeared in the window. "I've got good news for the Captain. Her leave has been OK'd." He grinned, as he heard Tessa's delighted squeal and Kaname's "Get off of him, you white-haired hussy!"

      Jemu spoke up. "So, where will we pick you up? You wouldn't want to miss your party, plus Ms. Mao can't pilot your M9 while she's in hers."

      "Oh, me? I'm in Paris right now. I've decided to go sight-seeing, and I'll be leaving for the Eiffel tower in a few minutes."

      "Okay. We'll be with you in an hour. Where will you be?"

      "I'll probably be trying out the elevated restaurant there."

      "Okay, but don't overdo it. I mean, we're having a party and a bunch of beautiful actresses here, and you don't want to be too full to dance, now, will you?"

      "Copy that. Meet you in 60." The window winked out of existence. Pretty nifty things, pop-up comm-windows. "BOS, how is the stealth field generator coming up?"

      "It's ready for a trial run, sir. Any ideas?"

      "How does a visit to the Eiffel tower grab you?"

      "Like a baby to a cactus."

      "Set a course for modern-day Paris, BOS. We have a package to pick up."

      "Another freeloader. Just great."

      "I don't see why you should be complaining," Evang remarked as he strode through the kitchen doors, Gai in tow, with dishes in hand. "You don't have to cook for forty people, and make sure they don't die of food poisoning."

      "Now I know how Akito feels. Cooking is so stressful. How did he balance cooking for the Nadesico and fighting Jovians?" Gai asked no one in particular.

      The entrance doors flew open, and Tsukurou Shiratori walked in. "Hey, Jupiter Man, where have you been?" Evang asked.

      "That is a good question. If you'll notice, I didn't have a single line last episode. What the heck, did I get smuggled into the evac group by accident?" the Jovian lamented.

      The lights went back on, and the projector and screen rolled back into hiding. "Sorry about that, Shiratori-san, but I just couldn't include you in the last episode. For one thing, Mr. Sagara here really trashed your Daitetsujin, and you don't have any superpowers with which to fight demons or otherworldly enemies," Jemu explained.

      "Besides, look at me: I got a broken leg and just sat behind a building while the world was ending all around me!" Gai exclaimed.

      "Yeah, I guess. Thanks, Ryoji-san," he said to Kaji as he set a mug in front of him. "So, when do I get to see Minato again?"

      "We'll see to rebuilding links as soon as we can," Evang answered. "Right now, we have to get through this party first. Since you're not doing anything, why don't you and Gai set up the buffet table?" He collapses into a stool, pillowing his head on his arms, which rested on the bar.

      "You look beat," Tsukurou observed.

      "Brilliant deduction, Jovian. Let's see you cook a buffet for forty people after defeating an Earth fleet, and see if you don't end up like this as well."

      BOS's voice chimed in over the PA. "We are now re-entering Earth's atmosphere. Time-space coordinates: sometime in the 2000s, over Paris. If you look to the left, you will be able to see the Eiffel tower, still standing after all these years."

      As the two dead Nadesico characters were putting the finishing touches on the buffet table, the Hana-gumi and the Nanpa-gumi (the term that the Oogami squadron was referred to by the girls) were busy gawking at modern day Paris from 500 feet in the air.

      "I'm going down to meet up with someone and accompany him on board. Anyone want to tag along?" Jemu announced.

      A whole forest of hands shot up, causing those who didn't to bigsweat. "OK, I don't mind having the Hana-gumi get a taste of normal 21st century life, even for a few minutes, but 14 Oogamis would be weird, even for this time. I can only take one Oogami; the rest have to stay on board."

      "But why?" chorused the girls and the Oogamis.

      "Well, cloning still hasn't become en vogue, so to speak. Gomen, Signori, but please understand. The girls alone will cause not a small amount of stir. 14 men that look alike, even more so."

      "Sou ka ne? Oh, well, there's only one thing for it, then. Come here, guys, we need to talk." Oogami gathers his clones close for a huddle. Occasionally, one of them would raise his head, look at the girls, and fall back into the huddle. Finally reaching an agreement, they broke the circle.

"Okay, here goes." One of them peeled off from the group and said, "Kanna-san, could we borrow you for a moment?"

      "Eh? Taichou, what's all this about?" 

      Oogami beckoned her to come closer, and to lean down so that he could  whisper something in her ear. Whatever it was, it got Oogami an uppercut from Kanna that sent him into the ceiling, his body from the waist up lost somewhere up there. The other Oogami cringed in sympathetic pain.

      "Kanna, what did Oogami-san tell you?"

      "He told me that I looked good in this uniform, and that he wondered how I'd look out of it."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

*METAL TAISEN SOLID COMMAND CENTER*

/st_memshare

*Memory sharing is set at 0*

/st_memshare 1

/change_active unit 2

exit

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

      "Oooooooooookaaay. You 12 get our fearless leader out of the ceiling. I'm going downtown. Don't worry, I'll tell you guys about it later."

      Grumbling amongst themselves, the other Oogami set about the task of extricating one of their own from the ceiling.

      "That was a weird way to settle things, Chuui," Rachette remarked. "I still don't believe it. I mean, fourteen of you running around?"

      "I sometimes don't believe it myself, Ms. Altair."

      "By the way, whose, I mean, which one are you?"

      "I'm number two, actually. Y'all can call me Niban, or Chuui, or whatever. Oogami-sama has chosen me to take his place while he's out cold."

Turning to Jemu, who was watching the proceedings with interest, he said "Let's go!"

      "Um, there is the small problem of your, ah, attire, yes."

      "What's wrong with these clothes? I mean, they're the height of fashion!" Sumire exclaimed.

      "Eighty years ago, maybe. The style of clothing for this time is somewhat different from what you're used to, Miss Kanzaki."

      "And what do you suggest, hmm?"

      "BOS? How are the stores? Got any 'camouflage' for the 'troops'?"

      "Yeah, that's right, always depend on the computer. I got clothes, but for modern fashion, you gotta look somewhere else. Unless spandex and vinyl are still hot, that is." 

      "They're still uncomfortable to wear, but no, they aren't cool nowadays. But that's not a problem." Turning to Kaname, he asked "Say, Miss School Idol, how about helping these girls out with their fashion fix? You can go as well, Captain Tessa, and get some civvy outfits for your vacation." The Whispered looked at each other and grinned. They began to herd the actresses out of the Main Lounge.

      "HELLO? I'M THE A.I. FOR A MOBILE BASE, NOT A MOBILE DEPARTMENT STORE!" BOS ranted. Of course no one paid him much attention. Sighing, he activated some glowing arrows on the walls for the girls to follow. "Bloody hell."

      "There's a very big difference between a department store and a base, BOS," Sousuke told the AI.

      "Ah, intelligent life on the planet at last! Are you twelve done yet? Anyway, Sagara, go on, you were saying about the difference between a base and a department store?"

      "The hardware section for a base is much cooler than that in a mall. However, it is still possible to get killed with a pneumatic nail gun."

      Laughter broke out all over the Main Lounge, causing the human pyramid that was trying to rescue Oogami from the ceiling to fall, eliciting another round of laughter. BOS sighed, then dematerialized the ceiling, causing another Oogami to land on the heap. This had the unexpected effect of bringing Oogami back into the land of the living.

      "Now that you perverts have finished your laugh session, just because I'm feeling rather good from watching a bunch of humans look like jackasses, I want you to take a look at THIS!"

      Several windows materialized, and the 13 Oogami gasped, the two self-inserts gaped, Kaji let out a wolf whistle, Sousuke's eyes turned into saucers, while the two Geki-freaks fainted dead away. Wimps. 

      "That's the dressing room where the girls are trying out their new clothes, right?" came an amused female voice.

      "Holy crap! Mao-san! We've forgotten you were here! BOS, you idiot!"

      "Oh, don't worry, boys, I won't tell. That is, if you would do some little favors for me."

      "The hell we will! We won't give in to blackmail! BOS, get rid of those windows!" Evang cried out. 

      Snickering, the crazy AI closed the windows. "Mao-san, did you have to catch their attention?" BOS whined.

      "Well, you did get the look on their faces, didn't you?" Melissa asked the computer.

      "Yeah. They looked like deer caught in headlights. Especially Sagara. His eyes were headlights," the computer chuckled.

      "I have a mind to blast you with an EMP spell, you lousy piece of circuitry. You're lucky I couldn't channel EM energy anymore, because of Oogami here."

      "Not to mention that if I get EMPed, this station will hit the ground faster than you can say 'Let's start the Third Impact.'" 

      The sound of footsteps heralded the return of the Hanagumi. The doors whooshed open, and the girls, led by Kaname and Tessa, swept in, making like ramp models.

      "Awesome!" "Beautiful!" "Are you sure you're finished dressing?" "That's all of the dress?" "Yeah, we like!" (Growls, whistles.)

      "Better get a vest and change your shoes, Oogami. We've kept Mr. Weber waiting long enough. You change too, Sagara, we'll need someone to subdue Kurz when he takes a load of these babes."

      "Iris is NOT a baby, onii-san!" There was a loud smack, and Jemu jumps up, grabbing his ass and yelping in pain, to the laughter of the women in the room.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

      Kurz Weber sat back and relaxed, looking around the room, smiling. Fortunately for him, the restaurant served a mighty fine omelet du fromage, which was good, since it was the only thing on the menu that he understood. Well, not quite. He knew what escargot was, but he wasn't adventurous enough to try it in a public place.

      The lift doors opened, and he looked in its direction. 'Ah,' he thought, 'looks like my escorts are here.' He smiled slightly at the faces that came out: Sousuke, looking ill at ease in a sports jacket and pants; followed by that guy he was speaking to earlier, the captain of that flying fortress where their AS were kept for the time being; and Kaname-chan looking real nice in that green dress, and-

      Kurz straightened his chair and leaned forward for a better view. Was that Captain Tesstarossa in that, that, arm bandage passing itself off as a dress? His mouth dropped in amazement as they stepped closer. "It IS you, Kanchou," he managed when he could move his mouth again.

      "Hmm? Who else would I be, Weber-san?"

      A lot of answers ran through Kurz's brain, all of which were bound to get him drummed out of the crew list or executed. "An angel going sight-seeing?" he lied easily.

      "Really? You thought of me as an angel?" Tessa looked over to Kaname, standing on Sousuke's right. Kaname caught her gaze, and Whispered 'Yeah, although it was probably the last thing he thought of when he saw you. I told you that that thing you're wearing was too daring.'

      'Sousuke doesn't think so.'

      'Sousuke doesn't mind because he's seen- oh, to heck with it.'

      Sagara looked at Tessa, then to Kaname, then finally to Kurz. "You ready?" he asked laconically.

      "Yup. Let's get this party started," Kurz replied.

      "You guys go on ahead to the lift," Jemu said, "I'll just collect the girls. I hope you don't mind the delay."

      "Girls? Take your time, look around."

      "Funny you should say that, Sgt. Weber." Excusing himself, Jemu set off collecting his tour group while the four headed for the elevator.

      "Time to go, ladies, we have a party to go to. Let's not allow the cook's labors to be all for naught, eh?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

      Since it was a buffet, and the guests were dressed for it, dinner was a somewhat formal affair, not like the party that Kaji envisioned. 'I mean, shoot, there are some women here that seem like fun to work on this night, but the atmosphere sucks to hell,' he thought. 'I mean, this music is so old, I feel like I'm aging just by listening to it. Like this is the original Evergreen!'

      "Love, soft as an easy chair," crooned a cool, soulful male voice.

      "STUPIDDD!!!!" cried the background singers. Kaji fell off his chair.

      "Love, fresh as the morning air..."

      "STUPIDDD!!!!!"

      "One love, one love that is shared by two..."

      "STUPID LOVE!!!"

      "... I have found in you..."

      Gai called out, ignoring the supposedly formal atmosphere. "Hey, music man, play something else! How about dance floor music!?"

      Jemu, seated behind the mixer, nodded his acknowledgement. "Dance music coming up! This is a party, not a funeral!" He plops a new disc on. A much more livelier tune begins to play, suggestive of electronic instruments. "Hoshikuzu no you sa ima no futari..."

      Kaname pulled Sousuke to his feet and onto the dance floor, followed by Tessa. "Um, I really don't know how to dance, except away from punches and bullets," Sousuke remarked.

      "What better time to learn than the present?" Kaname replied. "Besides, I recognize this song. Aren't you the only guy in class that listens to music that only our dads dug?"

      "Come on, Sousuke, all you have to do is let loose and go with the beat and music! Like this!" Tessa demonstrated.

      "Uh, Kanchou, don't jiggle around too much. That dress of yours is hanging, literally, by a thread, and the others are watching."

      "Oh, you're no fun. Come on, Kaname, dance with me instead."

      "You're on."

-I JUST KEEP BURNING LOVE-

-Kimi ni meguriau tame ni-

-Ore wa umare ikite kita yo-

-I JUST KEEP BURNING LOVE-

-Soshite subete wo kaeru no sa-

-Ai no chikara wo shinjiteru-

      Kurz was at the bar, sampling the alcohol with Melissa. He was pretty sure that he hadn't had much yet, but to be sure... "Nee-chan?"

      "Hmm? What is it, Kurz?"

      "Is it me, or did I just see a lot of bartenders go hit the dance floor with all those girls?"

      "You just need another drink, sir. Here," Oogami handed him another glass of clear liquid. It looked like water, smelled like raisins...

      "You're right. I'm not drunk yet. I can still recognize that they're playing another song. This group sure likes trumpets." Kurz hiccupped.

-OORA ROODO ga hirakareta-

-Kirameku hikari ore wo utsu-

-OORA no chikara takuwaete-

-Hiraita tsubasa ten ni tobu-

      "Hey, DJ, d'you have an'thing newer? Ah think ah firs' heard dat when ah wash tree!" Melissa called out. She was obviously drunk. Jemu waited for the second chorus to finish before letting the intro of the second song rip. "Kuyashisa o koraete keri ageta ishi koro..."

      "Hey, I know this song! I love the show that it came from!" Kaname near shouted, just to be heard by the people dancing near her.

      "Really? What's it about?" Kanna asked.

      "It's about this soldier on board a ship, who does nothing but runaway from the women on board who are after him."

      "Sounds like someone I know," Sakura remarked, grinning cheekily up at Oogami.

      "Well, they do say life imitates art," Tessa added.

      Kohran groaned, saying "That has got to be the worst non-joke comment anyone could say with an actress in the vicinity."

-YOU GET TO BURNING-

-Kimi rashiku hoko rashiku mukatte yo-

-Muchuu ni natta hibi ga-

-Yume no kakera sa-

-YOU GET TO BURNING-

-Sono kakera o atsumete-

-Asu o mezasu yuuki-

-Mieru yo TO BE-

-GOING YOUR DAYS GROW UP!-    

      "Shiratori-san, take over for me, will you?"

      "Sure, thing, Jemu. I've always wanted to try my hands out with one of these."

      "Oh, and no Gekiganger songs, Tsukurou."

      "WHAT? WHY! You were playing old-school mecha songs, weren't you? Why can't I? What's wrong with Gekiganger?"

      Jemu gave no reply. Hopping down from the mini-platform, he walked up to the redmage. "We need to talk."

      "So talk."

      "Not here. I don't want anyone to hear about this."

      "OK. I'll just have BOS make a small pocket of hammerspace to come into existence." No sooner said, then it was done. "What's this about?"

      "This whole idea of an Oogami for each girl, it doesn't quite jive."

      "What do you mean? It rocks! Just look at the Hanagumi, they're having the time of their lives!" Jemu glances around, then back to Evang.

      "Yeah, but it all seems so, shallow, I guess."

      "What? You didn't seem to mind when I pulled an AU Akito into play."

      "I was in a coma, you moron."

      "Oh."

      "I mean, the characterization of the others, were they really any different from their progenitor's? Besides, it's a headache to upkeep 14 Oogami Ichirou all at once! They even call themselves the Nanpa-gumi, like they're a separate unit in the Kagekidan."

      "Hmm. I can see where a fight scene with all 28 of them could be messy."

      "That's not all! If it's a big fight, they'd have to pull off super cheesy double supers and team supers, and to do that you'll need 12 more of Oogami's Koubu! That's 28 mecha roaming the battlefield all at once!"

      "Good lord! This has gone from Super Mecha Taisen to Clone and Conquer!!! And since they're a bunch of girl-chasing rakes, do you think they'd paint their Koubu black and start calling themselves 'Rogue Squad?'"

      "They'd better not. If they do, I'll get rid of them so quick you'd miss it if you blinked."

      "How? You have a pistol-sized MAP weapon, like the one that agent had in 'Men In Tux'?"

      "Well, Gendo's Suspended Animation Tank is currently vacant..."

      Evang shuddered, the image of a bunch of naked Oogamis floating around in LCL, eyes staring out blankly at the world, made him wish that he hadn't eaten so much of his own cooking. "You are evil, friend."

      "True. But I'm no evildoer."

      "So where do we take this story to now?"

      "Well, it seems that there's a contingency measure that Oogami-san included in his profile. Something about a level 4 Hidden Super Desperation Destroyer move..."

      "Let me guess. You'll schedule for another attack soon."

      "Perhaps. You can take the bubble out now. It's time we headed back to the party."

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

      "Sankyuu!!! Now that you're all fed, tired, drunk, or in similar positions where you'd have difficulties running for cover, I'd like to announce the next program for tonight's entertainment." Jemu grinned as he made the announcement. "Yes folks, this night isn't over yet. It's time for another installment of the What, Where, When, Why, and How of the SpaceBar. Is everyone seated? Good. Evang will explain how it works."

      "It's simple, really," Evang began. "First, we get on stage, sit our butts on these two stools behind the microphones, and we answer any questions that the audience, in this case, you, might throw at us. I see a raised hand already. Yes, Ms. Altair?"

      "Are questions the only things we can throw at you? What about knives?"

      "Or maybe a table?" Kanna added.

      "Or a noisy monkey that escaped from the menagerie?" This dig was from Sumire.

      "Or perhaps a Taichou clone? After all, there are 14 of them." Lobelia asked.

      "Sorry ladies, you can pack away all those ideas and mail them to Antarctica. The answers are no, we'll duck, you can try, and you can try as well, respectively."

      "Any other questions? Yes, Iris?"

      "How did onii-chan do it? How did he multiply?"

      "Well," Evang replied, grinning, "you see, when Oogami-san gets wet... oh, wait, that's how pond scum reproduce." He stopped grinning and barely dodged a mini-lightning bolt from Oogami #1. "You could just raise your hand, you know!"

      "My question: why do I have to put up with you guys?"

      "Our answer: you owe us big-time, if you recall, for saving your ass from these lovely ladies present back at another harbor, another time," Jemu replied.

      Evang spoke into his mike. "And to answer Iris' question, before we go totally off-base here, Oogami-san has some latent lightning-god abilities in his genes. The only come out when he's in his Koubu, or when he's holding a pistol. A sudden influx of magical lightning into his cells brought about some major changes in him, primarily the huge increase in his chi level. Unfortunately, much like lightning, his cells became very unstable, even more so when he used the outlawed Taichou Arashi attack. You remember that one, where he made 13 illusions of himself and attacked?"

      The Hanagumi members nod.

      "Well, guess what, it wasn't illusionary. For those few seconds, he actually created 13 identical living copies of himself, with the same lightning powers that he had. Then, less than an a day had passed, with him still not yet accustomed to his newfound abilities and his body still in shock from the Taichou Arashi maneuver, he pulled off the forbidden Nanpa Hidden Super Desperation Final Attack. Normally, it's just an enhanced version of the Taichou Arashi designed for fighting multiple enemies, but because he lost consciousness after performing the move, well, you're sitting with the results." Evang takes a deep breath after delivering this speech.

      Murmurs from the Hanagumi on what they had just learned filled the room. Above the din, Jemu saw a pale, raised hand. "Yes, Tessa?"

      "Why were we abducted earlier? Evang said something about an emergency."

      "It goes like this. A few episodes back, three children were accidentally trapped in a pocket dimension, one with no cute little critters with speech defects. In other words, a sucky dimension. I tried to rescue them by sitting in what I thought was a command chair. Turned out it was a Radichavel of sorts, and it didn't seem to like my hybrid arcane/tech paradigm too much. I managed to lurch free, but not before I had sustained serious damage to my system. BOS can tell you what happened."

      "He fell to the floor, twitching violently. His last words before he blacked out were something to the extent of 'We need the Whispered.' Or something like that. I had him brought to the infirmary, then I called a war meeting where it was decided that we needed your special abilities. The battle plan we followed was the brainchild of Oogami-san."

      "Eh? Oogami-san was part of a kidnap plot?" Sakura blurted out.

      "Yep. He was even the one who grabbed Chidori-san while Tsukurou was fighting Sousuke."

      "Ano, it wasn't a fight, it was a massacre! I didn't even land a single dent on that white demon, and he creamed me with my own Gravity Blast! Unfair!"

      The others shushed him to silence. Erica raised her hand. "Well, where did that demon come from, then?"

      "That's his fault!" Jemu answered, pointing to Evang. "Come on, crackpot, explain how you were the cause of all this BS."

      "Yeah. That's right, blame a guy for trying to save his buddy. How was I supposed to know that the limited wish spell involved a demon? I thought for sure that I'd get an old oil lamp and a kooky blue efreet."

      "So, you're saying it's your fault," Maria summarized.

      "Yes, I mean, no. After all, if Jemu hadn't been playing hero and gotten himself scrambled-"

      Suddenly, sirens go off and the lights go out. Seconds later, dim lighting returns a semblance of normalcy to the Main Lounge. Well, as normal as you can get with a fistful of reincarnated characters, a pervert cloned 13 times over, an all-girl fighting team after the aforementioned pervert, and three recently oversexed teenagers and their soldier friends.

      "What is going on, BOS?" Evang shouted over the din.

      "There's something wrong with the external multi-reality hammerspace hook-ups. I don't know what it is, but my sensors tell me it's bound to be really big," replied the AI. "Everyone, stay as far away from the OAHD as you can!"

      "You heard him! Move, people!" one of the Oogamis called out.

      "Does this happen every time you guys throw a party?" Melissa asked Gai.

      "No. I'm pretty sure all this is just a coincidence."

      "Why don't I believe you?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  ** * * * * * * * 

      The doors of the newly reconstructed Omnipotent Author's Hammerspace Device began to ease apart inch by inch. As they do so, bright, white light spills out from the seam, silhouetting five figures standing on the other side. With bated breath, the assembled party wait from behind chairs and under tables to catch a glimpse of the unexpected Guests.

      "Marron, are you sure that that teleport spell really works? I mean, this doesn't look like any wizard's hideout that we've been to," said a whiny voice from the other side.

      "Reasonably sure, onii-chan. Of course, I specialize in attack and defense magic, so I'm really not that adept with transportation spells," replied a soft, male voice.

      "Sheesh, man, we should have just walked to the next town instead of trying out one of your mumbo jumbo jinxes. Now we're stuck in a formless white room," complained another male voice, a deep, macho-sounding one.

      "Gateau, how do you know it's a room?" asked a sultry female voice.

      "'Cause I can rest my back on something. That's gotta be a wall, and where there's one, there are bound to be three more, right?"

      "Um, there are some flaws with that theory of yours, Gateau," a shy, feminine voice said.

      "Really, Tira, dear, you mustn't point out to men that their male logic is flawed, because that's the only way they think. Didn't I tell you that already?"

      "Not really, onee-chan, since you're usually to busy chasing after some pervert here."

      Simultaneously, all of the Oogami hiding turned to their companions under their tables and said "No, that wasn't me. I swear it."

      "Get ready everyone," Marron warned his friends. 

      "Ready? Ready for whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-!" Carrot never got to finish his sentence, as he and the rest of the Bakuretsu Hunters were forced out of the white room like air from a whoopee cushion. Sans the sound, of course. They land ungracefully on the floor of the SpaceBar II's Main Lounge, and when an Oogami called out "Cover them!" the five found themselves surrounded by some-

      "Weirdoes," muttered Gateau in an undertone, as he took in the assortment of deadly-looking weapons on display. Tira and Choco nodded.

      "Blessed individuals," thought Marron, "Especially that man in the red robes and- wait a minute, what's the term when you give birth to two sets of septuplets?"

      "ONNA!!!"

      No need to tell you who that one was, eh?

      "Welcome, travelers! I am Evang, owner of this wining and dining establishment, the SpaceBar II. No, don't mind them, they won't harm you, not unless you attack them first. They're not my bodyguards, like you they're also guests here. In fact, we threw a bash just for them, and you guys are a welcome diversion. Sit, sit."

      Niban (Oogami#2) ordered the Kagekidan to stand down and sit down. All of them occupied seven tables, a couple on each. The Full Metal Panic people shared a table as well. They soon lost interest in the new arrivals and focused their attention on their companions. 

      "What will you be having, then?" Evang asked the five once they were seated. The others declined to order, but Carrot being Carrot ordered for enough all of them. "And the names of those pretty young ladies talking with those mass-produced soldier types, as well."

      "Mass produced soldier types?" Gateau asked Carrot as their host left with his order.

      "Come on, didn't you notice?"

      "I thought their parents just didn't know the meaning of the word enough."

      "That was good acting, onii-chan," Marron said in his hushed tones.

      "Acting?" 'What the hell is my brother talking about?'

      "Cut the act, now. He fits the description exactly! 'An innkeeper with an unassuming attitude to hide all his depravities.' He's the one we're after!"

      Tira looked around at the other couples. "This might get a little messy. I mean, there are witnesses."

      "Hmm? They sure look sweet, though. If only the guys didn't share the same face... do you think this is his work?" Choco asked. "And the strange architecture and decor."

      "You know what they say, Choco, there's no accounting for bad taste. Or idiocy, for that matter. This place is all steel, and the curtains are weird," Gateau added.

      "I agree. And the customers aren't so ordinary either. They have strong power, especially the men. Or is it the man? In any case, we'd be best on our guard," cautioned Marron.

      "Fine with me. As long as we can do it after dinner. Boy, that stuff sure looks good."

      Gai, Kaji, Tsukurou, Jemu and finally Evang troop to their table, carrying platters of food, crystal goblets, a basket of bread, and a bottle of wine sitting in an ice bucket. "Eat hearty, y'all," advised Evang as his 'waiters' drifted away.

      Trying to act normally, the Hunters begin eating, slowly at first, then with gusto. They shared the same thought: for a guy wanted for at least 3 counts of Necromancy, 11 counts of Reality Alteration and 1 count of Demon Summoning, he sure cooks well.

      Smiling, Evang spoke to his guests. "I'm flattered by your thoughts. Still, there was no need to suspect poison in the meal; I prefer to use more flashy and direct methods in my engagements."

      Marron was the first to recover from the shock. "You- you can read minds?"

      "To some extent. So now I know for a fact that you're sent to make sure I do no more of my dastardly deeds and to punish me for the ones that I've done. I'm sorry to let you know, boys and girls, that my actions aren't all that dastardly. Just ask my other guests."

      "Like we'll get an unbiased answer," Gateau retorted. He suddenly reached across the table and pulled Evang up at arm's length. "You're coming with us, Mr. Innkeeper."

      The other tables were startled, and made to take action, as do the 'waiters.' Evang tells them to stand down. "I won't have any of you involved in this. Well except for Jemu-san, maybe."

      "Jemu-san?" 

      "He meant me," Jemu answered, a pair of IA6s (Infinite Ammo Six-shooters) aimed at the cake sisters. "I'd advise you to release him, or else these two lovelies are going to be taking a dirt nap."

      A tense silence fills the room, as the negotiators try to stare down each other. The Kagekidan aren't moving, the FMP cast aren't moving, and the revived three are still as the corpses they used to be. All are quiet, ready for anything to happen. Then, in the midst of this atypical stillness, when no one was expecting it, somebody sneezed.

      All hell broke loose. 

      "Like we didn't have enough of that already in the last episode," Evang berated the narrator, firing up his battle aura.

      Everyone present during the last episode of the SpaceBar series form big sweatdrops. Using this opportunity, Carrot ducks behind a table that Gateau upturned, Marron pulls out a prayer strip, and the Cake sisters do their transformation sequence, dazzling Gai, Shiratori-san and Kaji.

      Because the author is such a lazy bum, he just went on and wrote that the next few scenes were a cross between a barroom brawl, a Sakura Taisen episode, and a Bakuretsu Hunters episode. You could almost hear the guns blasting, see the blades and whips flashing, the non-combatants taking refuge behind the bar and praying for it to end. And as is the usual in such episodes, no one attractive gets hurt. Except for the self inserts, but that's because they're really ugly MFs.

      "Chikuso! You're really making me angry now!" Evang roared.

      "Uh, dude, there's something-" 

      "Not now, gadget boy! I'm gonna wrap up this whole mess and send it down the drain! Iku ze! FIRE-FLASH!"

      "Shit." Jemu dropped his head, covered his eyes with his right hand and shook his head. "It's hit the fan now."

      Evang's Fireflash was a special sort of fire magic. Developed by the redmage in the long hours in his study, the spell only harms those that the caster perceives as a threat. This means good news for the Kagekidan, the FMP group, and the Dead Characters Apartment dwellers, and bad news for the Sorcerer Hunters. 

      Or does it?

      "GGRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRR!"

      "ANOTHER DEMON!?"

      "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU DEMON BEAST INVADERS!!!!" Niban (Oogami #2) cried out.

      "SO ARE WE! LET'S FIGHT TOGETHER!" replied the other Oogamis. 

      "RAIDEN TENSHI GATTAI!!!" All fourteen Oogami began to glow and float into the air and towards each other.

      "No, Ichiro, that will-"

      "Raijin, GOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

      BOS had the last word for this episode. "And I had just repainted the place. Oh, well." He sighs.

To be continued....... hopefully.

Acronyms and Whatnot

1. BOS: Brain of SpaceBar

2. TDD: Tuatha de Danan. Once figures in Celtic myth, in Full Metal Panic it's the name of Tessa's submarine, of which she captains.

3. FMP: Full Metal Panic. Wonderful show by Gonzo.

4. M9: the designation of the AS (armor slaves) or mecha used by Mithril, the organization that Tessa and Sousuke are part of.

5. Nanpa: OK, it's not really an acronym. It means "skirt-chaser" or "girl chaser" in Japanese. 

6. AU: Alternate Universe.

7. RAIDEN TENSHI GATTAI!: "Thunder-dragon angel combination!"

8. MAP weapon: I define MAP as 'Mass Annihilation-Purpose'

9. I almost forgot. Songs making appearances in the following order: S2PID LUV (Salbakuta, local rap group), Burning Love (Choujuu Kishin Dancougar), Tobu Dunbine (Seisenshi Dunbine), You Get To Burning (Kidou Senkan Nadesico). As always, none of the songs and their sources are mine.


	12. Before You Die

SpaceBar Adventures 12: And the Band Played On  
by Jemu Nekketsu  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the following series: Bakuretsu Hunters, Kidou Senkan Nadesico, Full Metal Panic, Masoukishin Saibasuta, Shin Seiki Evangelion, and Jigoku Sensei Nube so don't sue, OK?  
  
*********  
Ruri-like monologue by BOS: After a fierce and costly (not too mention expensive) battle, the SpaceBar team managed to send the bounty hunters back to whatever low-tech show they came from. All are not happy at the results, though, as the Hanagumi competition to get Oogami Ichiro in the sack with them begins anew. It was his sacrifice, though, as well as the courageous efforts of Sousuke Sagara, that tipped the battle against the evil mercenaries. His current whereabouts are unknown, as are the women's, as a time-space vortex sucked them inside as a result of defeating something long thought to be invincible. It appears that only Sousuke Sagara is enjoying the spoils of war, being cosseted and pampered by his two girlfriends after passing out upon stepping down from his Arbalest. Lucky stiff. Meanwhile, as a result of too much alcohol, Kurz Weber is currently using the snoring Melissa Mao's ample charms as a pillow and squeeze toy in his sleep. Another lucky jerk, that will soon become a dead jerk when she wakes up. Hmm, there's a fun idea.  
**********  
  
"I thought we'd never be able to send them Mage Trackers back to wherever they came from."  
"Dude, that's Sorcerer Hunters."  
"Sorcerer Hunters? It's not even mage season yet, and they don't even have licenses! I oughta sue their Guild!"  
"Relax. BOS, how are the anchors coming along?"  
"We've managed to set up one in the late 20th century to early 21st century. Other connections are being set up as we speak. Ironically, only time will tell when they will be ready."  
"Hey, did you hear that, red mage? Late 20th century! Lots of big, funny-looking robots running around trying to not kill each other as they repel weekly evil invaders."  
"Yay. Swell."  
"You don't seem to happy about it."  
"No. It's just that I'm wondering if the others are okay."  
"Don't worry, master, as soon as the anchors are in place, we'll go for a look-see."  
"I do hope it's sooner than later, BOS. I'm beginning to think that Gendo Ikari is starting to resent our presence."  
"Hey, dude, what made you think that?"  
"Must be the way all the base defenses are aimed toward us. Or, maybe it's just me, Jemu."  
"You sound mighty depressed. Are you sure that's not part of losing your lightning side?"  
"Could be. I wouldn't know. Have you lost your lightning side before?"  
"Can't say I had one to begin with, Evang-san."  
Sigh.  
"Oh, if nothing's bound to happen in the next few hours, I'll leave you and BOS alone for a while, red mage."  
"Going somewhere, sir?" BOS asked.  
"Just going to check on someone we've sort of forgotten in the past few episodes. I also want to see how my favorite scientist is doing. Besides, she might be able to help."  
  
An Hour Later...  
  
"Can we see some ID, sir?" the uniformed guard asked.  
"I'm afraid I don't carry any identification with me, guard."  
"Sorry, sir, but I can't let you through, then."  
"Oh, that's OK. Can I, that is, talk to a scientist inside, then? She's not actually NERV staff, or something, but I know for a fact that she's inside. Tall, elegant, long-haired blonde. Dr. Fressange, I believe her name was."  
"One second sir."  
"Take your time, good man."  
The guard pulled out his radio and spoke into it. "Uh, Command, this is Number 53, there's an individual looking for a Dr. Fressange. Subject is 5'6", seems to be mixed Hispanic and Oriental, black hair, black eyes. Oh, I forgot, you have those little cams installed here in front. Well?" The guard waited for a reply. "OK. 53 out." He replaced the radio in his belt. "Sir, if you would wait for a few minutes, Dr. Fressange is on her way up."  
"Oh, no problem. You don't mind if I sit, do you?"  
The guard gave the surroundings a cursory glance, then raised his eyebrow as if to say, "Whatever floats your boat."  
Jemu pulled out the anti-gravity fan from his pack, unfolded it, and tossed it up into the air. The fan flipped as it fell, coming to a stop 3 feet off the ground, flat as you please. Seating himelf, Jemu raised the elevation by a few more inches and grinned at the guard, his feet dangling a good six inches above the ground. He began to whistle.  
He had just finished 'Neppu! Shippu! Saibasuta' when his ears picked up the sound of heels on concrete. Turning, he saw Ai, followed by Ritsuko, making her way toward the gate. He raised his right hand, smiled, and waved a greeting. Ai saw this, nodded, then spoke to the blonde behind her. All this time the sound of their shoes never stopped. Clip clip clip clip... the sound died away when Ai was at the gate.  
"Long time no see, Doc. How are you feeling?"  
"I'm well, thank you. What is it you wanted to see me about?"  
"Hey, no rush, Dr. F. I was just wondering if you could kind of help our common friends find their way back out of time and hammerspace. We've been wondering how they were, you see, and what with that monster attack and all..." Jemu shrugged.  
"Akito and the others lost in hammerspace?"  
"Kind of. We were wondering if you could spare some time away from Dr. Akagi and set our minds at ease. What's so funny, Dr. A. ?"  
"You, actually," Ritsuko replied, "you have a mind to be troubled?"  
"Aw, come on, Doc, I thought such putdowns were above you. I mean, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, Earth's greatest polymath before that crazy Granzon pilot, making such a comment? God forbid."  
"Why should He? There are a lot things He didn't forbid."  
"Let's not get religious here, people," Ai intervened. "Alright, I'm going back to that crazy station of yours, with its crazy inter-dimensional physics. You remember, don't you, Rit-chan?"  
"Sure. Schrodinger's Tavern. Like anyone could forget that." Turning to the guard, she said "Inform them that I'll be going as well, please."  
"Uh, sure thing, ma'am. When can we expect you back?"  
"I don't know. Maybe I'll call you from the new harbor complex."  
"Understood."  
"Well, that's that. You're not going to let us walk all the way there, are you?"  
"Actually, I was thinking that maybe Ai-san could Boson Jump us there-"  
"NO."  
"Ritsuko, really, I-"  
"NO! N,O, NO! Which part of that can't either of you understand?"  
"What I do or what I choose not to do is my business, Ritsuko."  
Jemu looked from one blonde scientist to the next. "Ladies, let's not get into a catfight here. Don't worry, I came prepared. Behold!" Jemu takes a small object from his pocket, presses a button, and throws it to the ground. There is a small explosion, some smoke, and it clears to reveal a trike. Not just any ordinary trike, but a damn shiny chrome and black Harlem-Goliathson three-seater. "Hop in, people."  
The three get on, the doctors maximizing the rear seat (read: staying far from each other as possible) and Evang sitting behind the handlebars. He starts the engine, fires the throttle up, and the trike roars off. "Nice wheels," Ai commented.  
"Thanks. She's a pretty one, ain't she?"  
"So where did you pick her up?"  
"Oh, she came with the Ninja Army knife I bought at a garage sale. Funny what some people throw away, just because of a few flaws."  
  
* * * *  
"Baka-Shinji! Come back here!"  
"Never! I don't intend spend my entire life servicing the two of you! I have a right to my own free time to do with as I please!"  
"No, you don't, Shinji-kun. Your posterior belongs to us."  
Shinji burst out of the door and kept running. He could hear footsteps after him. 'Only four floors to go, Shinji. Eight flights of steps. You can do it! That stamina boost you got permanently from your "revolutionary training regimen" (read: MPS with Rei and Asuka every night), time to use it now!'  
"Give it up, Shinji!" Asuka sang out. "You can't escape us!!"   
"Watch me!" he retorted, urging himself to go faster, leaping down to the next landing. 'There's no way she can catch me if I keep jumping.' This he did for the last four landings, thinking that he was finally free from the two sex fiends and about to see the sunshine for the first time during a weekend.  
"What took you so long, Shinji-kun? I was getting lonely waiting for you."  
"ACK!!! Ayanami!! You- How- Guh-"  
"Leaping down four floors to the ground is quite a thrilling sensation, Shinji. But not as thrilling as the one I'm going to get from you." Rei smiled, like a hungry dog smiles at a bone, and took a step forward. Shinji took a step back, thinking 'I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away.'  
Footsteps and short breaths announced the arrival of a flushed half-German teenager. "I- told- you- there- was- no- escape." She took a good, deep breath, which Shinji decided was an opportune time to leap over Rei and start running again. "I hate my life! Hasn't the Tenkawa curse been lifted from me yet!?" Shinji asked aloud. He wasn't looking where he was headed, so long as it was away from the Terrible Two, causing him to run into somebody. Shinji bounced back from the impact.  
"Hey, kid, you alright?"  
Shinji looked up at the man extending an hand to help him up. It was the substitute teacher they had instead of the old man. "Nueno-sensei?" Shinji asked, as he grasped the hand and was helped to his feet.  
"Nueno-sensei? You make me sound so old. Since we're not in the schoolroom, call me Nube instead."  
"I wouldn't be so bold, Nube-sensei."  
"Fine. Ikari-kun, if you're going to be so formal about it, refer to me as Nube-san. Understood?"  
"Yes, sir."  
"Good. Now, I can't help overhearing your complaint earlier. Something about a curse, right?"  
"Well, you see, sir it's- oh no, it's them!" Shinji bolts into the convenience store that Nube just exited. Perplexed, Nube looked down the street and saw two more of his Tokyo-3 students, Ayanami and Souryu, making their way down the street. He then went back into the shop. "Excuse me, sir, but did you see where my brown-haired student went? He was talking to me about a problem of his when he suddenly dashed in here."  
"Well, sensei, I think he's hiding out in the little boy's room."  
Nube added two and two together. 'Ah. Weird kid.' He looked up as the two girls entered the store as well. 'I better head for the john myself, and see what this mess is all about.'  
  
"OK, Rei, start searching. I'll take this side and you take that one. Let's go!"  
They looked up and down the aisle and found no trace of Shinji. "Where could he have gone?" asked Rei.  
The sound of an opening door grabbed their attention. As Nube exited the comfort room, the two exchanged glances.  
"Ano, konnichiwa, Sensei."  
"Ah. Ayanami, Souryu. A good morning to you as well."  
"Sensei, could we ask you something?"  
"I'm a teacher. Of course you can."  
"Were you alone inside the men's room a while ago?"  
"Now, now, Souryu-chan, that's not something you normally ask a teacher, especially one of your opposite gender."  
"But you said we could ask you anything," Asuka pouted.  
"I did, didn't I? To answer your question, yes, I was alone."  
Rei sighed. "Come on, Asuka, it appears Shinji isn't here after all."  
"But I saw him duck in here!"  
"Ikari-san? I think he went out the back door. He was real scared-like, as though someone was hunting him."  
"Oh. Well, thank you, Sensei."  
"Sorry for bothering you." With that, the girls left.  
"How did you do that?" Shinji asked.  
"Do what?"  
"I was right beside you all the time you were talking, and they didn't see me!"  
"Stick with me, kid, and you'll learn lots of things. First, though, I need to drop off these frozen novelties at my apartment. Then we'll find some place where your pursuers won't find you and we'll talk."  
"You sure, Nube-san?"  
"Yeah. It's a place I go to when I need a breather from my wife."  
  
Much, Much Later  
  
"I don't believe it!"  
"What, Shinji?"  
"Unless I miss my guess, this is the place where I got cursed in the first place! It's the bloody SpaceBar!!"  
"Actually, it's now the SpaceBar II. Hello, there, Sensei, I see you know one of our favorite customers."  
"Yeah. I teach their history class. The usual, Evang-san."  
"Righto. And you, Mr. Still-Running-Away-From-Good-Sex?"  
"How about something that will make Rei and Asuka stop acting like sex fiends toward me?"  
"Don't like the hand you've been dealt? Tough."  
"I think I'll reshuffle. Maybe I'll have a long, deep talk with my mother and start the Next Impact."  
"Take one step toward the door and I'll have those sex maniacs drag you back down to the best room in the house, if you get my drift," Evang bluffed. "Hammerspace, remember?"  
Shinji blanched. Nube looked over him. "You okay, Shinji? You look like my wife just gave you a friendly hug."  
"Say, how is the mountain princess, Nube?" Evang asked.  
"She's fine, we're fine. About this curse of Shinji's..."  
"No curse. Just a natural realignment of forces. It should be abating now, now that Sagara-kun is getting some hot loving from his two girlfriends."  
"Sagara? Is he related to or descended from the infamous swordsman-turned-brawler of the 19th century?"  
"Nah. He's a Japanese kid who grew up in a -Stan country and was raised as a guerilla. Great in battle, sucks at relationships. At least that was before he came here. Ah, speak of the devil, here he is. Hey, you three, come here, there are some guys I'd like you to meet."  
Sousuke, Kaname and Tessa make their way to the bar.  
"I'd like to introduce you to Sagara Sousuke. The one with the braid is Tessa, and the one who's looking pissed because of being introduced last is Kaname. Kids, this is Meisuke Nueno, a teacher. Good man. And this over here is a very harassed young man, Ikari Shinji."  
There are handshakes and bows and "How do you dos?" all around. Evang, enjoying the sound of his voice, continues his dig. "You should talk to Sousuke, Shinji. He could help you with your problems with Rei and Asuka. Come to think of it, why don't you include Tessa and Kaname in your chat as well, and gain some insight on the inner workings of an albino brain and a super-girl brain?"  
"Um, I guess it couldn't hurt to try," Shinji answered, looking at Sousuke warily. 'Can he really help? Other than hair color, we don't have anything in common,' he thought.  
"Well then, Ikari-san, let's go find ourselves a place where we can talk comfortably," Sousuke suggested. 'This is a welcome break. These two vamps have been draining my life force for the past few hours.'  
"Please call me Shinji, Sagara-san. People tend to call my father Ikari-san, and I have no desire to be mistaken for him."  
"Agreed. You must call me Sousuke, then."  
They seated themselves on a table some distance from the bar, and began their little chat.  
"Oh, so your name is Shinji? I have a classmate with the same name. You don't happen to own a basement-load of military hardware magazines, by any chance?" Kaname asked.  
"Not really. The only electronics I have with me now is my player, and I don't like military and fighting that much. Your description does fit one of my friends, Kensuke. That, and he's always taking videos of everything."  
"Now, that sounds more like one of my friends. Kyoko is always pulling her little digital camera and snapping away. I swear, if it wasn't for her good heart, she'd be the world's best blackmailer. Hey, Tessa, say something."  
"Oh! What? Oh, I'm sorry for being rude. I was just thinking. So, Shinji, what's this problem we're supposed to be discussing?"  
"Um, I don't know how I'm supposed to say this..."  
Tessa whispered to Kaname's mind. 'He looks ill at ease. Maybe I could go into my ditzy ship captain mode?'  
Kaname answered back. 'Something tells me that if you do so, he'll even be more scared. As it is, he keeps on glancing at Sousuke, as if to gauge when to bolt from the table.'  
"You're having consensual sex with two girls and they share you between themselves, am I right?" Sousuke asked.  
Gasping, Shinji asked in return, "How did you know?"  
"I can see the signs: the unkempt hair, the hastily thrown-on clothing, the bloodshot eyes, and the eye bags. Not so long ago, I was experiencing the same symptoms myself."  
"But you look... normal," Shinji insisted. 'He's still probably having sex with these two, judging from the way they hang on to his every words.' "How do you keep them from killing you?" Shinji wanted to know.  
  
Back at the bar, Nueno asked "Is this group counseling going to take long?"  
"Missing the wife already? Touching. Very touching."  
"That, and if I don't get home soon, who knows what Yukime might do. Time of the month, you see. The last time, she froze over the damn door and the windows. I had a doozy of a time explaining to the landlady how it happened."  
"Did somebody say 'explain'?" a melodious female voice asked.  
"Oh, hi, Doc. Has my partner gotten fried by alien electronics again?" Evang grinned at Ai.  
"No, I just came down for an alcohol break. I'd like some Scotch, please."  
"Shaken or stirred?"  
"In a glass where I can down it in one gulp so I can get back to locking horns with that crazy system of yours. You did a good job, by the way, creating a safe interface to the Jovian Artifact."  
"None of it was his fault, lady," BOS broke in, causing Nube to start up in surprise and fall off his stool. "Hey, there, Teach. Admiring the linoleum or trying to peek up at the Doctor's skirt? Shame on you. I have to warn you, the doctor wields a mean mallet."  
"So how's the series of anchors and hooks coming along?" Evang asked.  
"Oh, it's halfway through. I left Jemu and Ritsuko to hold the fort while I was taking my break."  
"Hang on. Hold the fort?"  
"Seems your system is trying actively to buck any controls we set down on it, like an mineral-rich nation against an enroaching foreign power."  
"Seems like you have a ghost in the machine," Nube quipped.  
BOS snorted. "You have no idea. Maybe we should let you exorcise the place or something. After all, Mr. Omnipotence here just summoned a demon from somewhere a few episodes back."  
"If it's okay with you folks," Nube hedged.  
"Sure, go ahead. What can it hurt? Shake your beads, recite some prayers, light some incense."  
  
"Now, Shinji, the secret lies in saying 'no'" Sousuke explained.   
"'No'?"  
"Yes."  
"Really?"  
"Yes, really."  
"So is it yes or no? I'm getting confused."  
"Of all the dumb exchanges..." Kaname groaned.  
"Umkirikiribasaraumbatta-umkirikiribasaraumbatta-umkirikiribasaraumbatta-umkirikiribasaraumbatta..." went on in the background.  
"What on earth?" Tessa wondered out loud. The four teenagers take a look around to see what's going on. "I thought he was a teacher."  
"He is. He's our substitute history teacher."  
"Then what's he doing with those beads, a prayer book, and with the crazy guy who's holding a couple of oil torches?" Kaname asked.  
Shinji replied "With Evang, who knows? Although I've heard it whispered in school that Nube-san is something of an amateur spiriualist Whatever that means."  
"Translation: total weirdo," Kaname told the other two. Sousuke and Tessa just nodded and continued to watch the proceedings. So abosorbed were they that the raised voice made them, especially Shinji, jump out of their seats.  
"BAKA-SHINJI!!!"  
"UWAAAAAHHH!!!"  
Quicker than the eye can blink, our favorite redhead is on our hapless hero and is starting to suffocate him. With her thighs.   
Tessa caught Rei's gaze. "So, are you Shinji's, uh, friends?"  
"Well-" Rei started to answer, but was cut off by Shinji's shout as he managed to dislodge Asuka.  
"They're not my friends! They're just two sex maniacs who just happened to be living in my apartment!!"  
"Ask a simple question..." Kaname quipped. Sousuke, as usual, kept to himself, not informing the others of his discomfort as the room temperature fell a few degrees. He turned and saw Tessa engaged in a staring match with the other new arrival, and did an uncharacteristic facefault. Meanwhile, Asuka was on Shinji again, and Shinji was screaming blody murder. Recovering, Sousuke decided to take charge of the situation. With superhuman strength, confidence, and tough hide, he pulled the tangled teenagers apart and ordered the others into new seating arrangements. The slightly crowded table now looked like this:  
  
Sousuke==Rei====Asuka  
||-----------------||  
||-----------------||  
Shinji===Tessa==Kaname  
  
This way, Tessa and Rei could still stare each other till hell froze over and still be able to hear what he was saying.  
"Now then. Shinji told us about a little problem he's been having with you two..."  
"Umkirikiribasaraumbatta-umkirikiribasaraumbatta..."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"That about does it, I guess," Nube informed Evang.  
"Thanks for everything, Teach," Evang replied.  
"I have to get going. Say, I haven't seen your friend yet."  
"Oh, him. Well, he's busy working on the electronics upstairs with the other scientists and BOS. I'll give him your regards."  
"I'd appreciate that. Now, if you have a standing mirror in here somewhere, something nearly as tall as I am..."  
"Eh? Mirror?"  
"Yeah. Unless you have a quicker way of sending me across town?"  
Evang thought about it. The time-space chicanery that once was staple in the bar was now malfunctioning. Transporting was probably out of the question, he decided. "A mirror, huh? Let's see if we have one."  
The two walk over to where a huge, ugly steel safe was resting against a wall, flanked by a couple of potted palms. Concentrating hard on the image of a tall, stand-up mirror, Evang turned the wheel while Nube looked on. A few turns later, the door is pulled open.  
"Hey, Nube, help me with your ride home, will you? It's rather unwieldy."  
"Now, that's an understatement."  
Grunts were let out by the two men as they pulled out the mirror from the safe. It was an ornate affair, six feet tall, and oblong. Its gilt frame was a winged dragon poised to strike on one side, reared up and threatening the axe-and-sword wielding warrior who was charging it from the other side. Both men took their time admiring the piece of work in front of them. "Western style," Nube finally commented.  
"Seems that way. I hope it meets your standards?"  
"Oh, it's beautiful. But is it cursed?"  
"Cursed?"  
"Or enchanted, somehow?"  
Evang gazed at his reflection in the mirror. It stared right back at him. "I don't see anything strange. Wait, I know. Gai! Kaji!"  
The two formerly dead guys appear out of nowhere, startling the teacher. "Okay, you two, I'm not asking you how you did that, but do me a little favor, will you?"  
"Depends on the favor," Kaji replied.  
"I want you to gaze in this mirror, and tell us what you see."  
"Sounds simple enough," Gai said. "I'm going first." He walked in front of the mirror and stared. After a while, he reported,"I see me, the room, and you guys."  
Kaji did the same. "It's a really expensive-looking mirror, and it works like the cheap one that hangs in my bathroom. What are we supposed to be looking for, anyway?"  
"Guys," Nube said in a dire tone, "step back from the mirror." Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his crystal ball and gazed at the mirror through it. "Unless you three are immortal or something, that mirror will be the last thing you see before you die."  
"Oh, dying's no problem. I mean, we've been reanimated for God knows how long."  
"The funny thing is, we've gotten more lines and more stunts when we died than when we were alive in our old shows."  
The teacher sweatdroppped. "Fine. Say hello to Sada-chan, then."  
"SADA-CHAN?!"  
As the four watched, a white robed feminine figure, her long black hair veiling her face, appeared in the mirror. Taking a quick look behind them, Gai exclaimed "Wow! Super special effects!" He walked to the back of the mirror and cried out, "You mean this isn't a projector?"  
"Gai, dammit, stop hiding behind the mirror and be a man," Kaji taunted.  
"I wasn't hiding, I was making sure-"  
"Yeah, yeah." Apparently, no one believed the Gekiganger otaku.  
"Hey, Nube, this mirror cursed enough for you?"  
"I guess. Although from what I've heard and read, she's supposed to frequent late night television, not antique Occidental mirrors."  
The four gasped as Sada-chan raised a placard with some kanji written on it. "I can't read it!" Evang complained.  
"It says: 'It's a long story, and I don't have enough signs to raise. Besides, there's nowhere to sit in here, and I don't want to get my clothes dirty, because there isn't any water here either. Would you mind if I asked you to let me out?'" Nube translated.  
"Tell her it's alright, then," Evang said.  
"Are you sure about this?"  
"I might have lost my lightning spells helping some pervert remain a bachelor, at least for a while, but that doesn't mean I'm totally powerless."  
"On your head be it." Facing the mirror, Nube replied, "It's alright." He raised his eyebrows as Sada-chan revealed a second placard. "Eh?"  
"'Say my name three times in a row'?" Kaji read aloud. "It's like that Western horror flick, 'The Candy Seller Man!'"  
"What?" Nube and Gai asked. Evang just grinned in recognition of the name.  
"Repeat after me: Sada-chan..." Kaji began.  
"Sada-chan..."  
"Sada-chan."  
"Sada-chan."  
"Sada-chan!"  
"SADA-CHAN!"  
The figure in the mirror raised a third sign. "Thank you," Gai read. Then the big baby screamed as she began to walk toward them and placed her hands on the gold sides of the stand, as if to pull herself up and out of a pit. Or a well.  
"Hey, what's the screaming all about?" Tsukurou Shiratori appeared out of nowhere, materializing behinf Gai. "I was sleeping in my apartment when some pig squealed loud enough to wake the dead. Hey, what are you guys looking at?"  
Sada-chan looked up, did a double-take upon seeing two Daigouji Gai, and fell half-in and half-out of the mirror. As she struggled to push herself up from the floor, Nube quipped "Now, that's got to hurt." 


	13. The Magic Number

SpaceBar Adventures 13: One of Many  
by Jemu Nekketsu   
  
DISCLAIMER: Don't own them, and never will. Except for BOS, Evang, Jemu, and Sada-chan.  
  
Evil Author's Note: This chapter marks my return to the script format of writing. Or maybe it is another mixed script-novel type. I really don't know, but if it bugs you, bahala ka. Series mangled so far are Evangelion, Nadesico, Sakura Taisen (Game and Anime), Full Metal Panic, and even Hell Teacher Nube wasn't spared from the horror. But then again, Nube gets horror everyday, if not from monsters, then from his wife's cooking. (Is that miso icicle soup I smell?)  
  
Akito: Kinda like my wife's efforts in the kitchen.  
Nube: At least your wife improves. She will get them right, eventually. With mine, it's a miracle to get thawed sushi.  
Jemu: Why do you even eat? Aren't you immortal already?  
Nube: That immortality bit just means I won't age, or at least my aging will slow down to match Yukime's.  
Jemu: Assuming she does age.  
Ohgami: How do you handle it? Living with a nature spirit, a snow lady, even!  
Nube: You get used to it. The sex was bad at first. The guy who said "There are no frigid women, only inept men" obviously discounted marrying ice princesses. No pun intended.  
Jemu: Hate to be a party-pooper, but that's not exactly sage advice these two should be hearing about women and relationships.  
  
The two were a couple of brown-haired high-school boys/mecha pilots/ total nerds who happened to be sharing the bar with the older folk. Note on older, not mature, folk.  
  
Shinji: If I wanted sage advice, I'd have asked Kaji-san to appear.  
Sousuke: You know what they say: sage advice isn't.  
Shinji: You're right!   
  
Shinji raises his mug of rootbeer and clinks it with Sousuke's. Both proceed to gulp down their softdrinks.  
  
Jemu: Hey, wait a minute, what does bring you back to this place, Tenkawa?  
Akito: As if you didn't know! FYI, I just had to get away from all the women at my household. Especially with all these weird sensations I've been feeling lately.  
Jemu: Define weird. Weird, as in, suicidal? Like wanting to eat your wife's cooking?  
  
Behind the camera and lights...  
  
Yurika: Yamete! Darn it, Evang-san, that has to be the most-abused joke in the history of your works! Blue-haired women and bad cooking!!!  
Misato: Yeah! I object!!!  
Yukime: It isn't my fault if water freezes whenever I'm around!  
Shinji: (From the set.) You don't see me harping about my always running away getting used as the butt of jokes!  
Sousuke: And me getting typecasted as "brown hair = jerk!"  
Evang: (Blows a whistle.) Settle down people. We've got a ways to go. Lemme get this straight, you don't approve of the script, am I right?  
Fujieda Ayame: That's right. Too many old jokes and stereotypes. The producers demand something "worth spending their dough on."  
Evang: What the-? Ayame? Aren't you like, you know, pushing up daisies, which is why your sister Kaede replaced you?  
Kaede: Actually, I'd like to know about that too. Not that I'm displeased with your presence, onee-chan.  
  
Ohgami catches a familiar face in the sidelines, his attention diverted by all the shouting going on.  
  
Ohgami: Ayame-san! (Rushes out of the scene and into the sidelines, where he is promptly sent up into the ceiling by Ayame's and Kaede's uppercuts.  
Ayame: Jerk! Lusting after my baby sister just because I died!  
Kaede: Asshole! Hitting on me just because my sister and I share the same hair color and surname!  
Jemu: (Sweatdrops.) Alright! Camera-bots, cut scene and reset to beginning. We're taking a break!  
Nube: This is not an auspicicous beginning. Maybe I should purify the area of negative energy first.  
Shinji: Who invited them over in the first place?  
Sousuke: Maybe I should bestow a final kiss on each of you. This looks like something that we might not get out of alive.  
Shinji: You don't get off with these ritual lip-lockings, do you?  
Sousuke: What's 'get off'? Is it the same as disembark?  
  
Thirty minutes later...  
  
BOS: I would like to inform you that we have two new arrivals on board the SpaceBar. One will be a resident of the DCA, while the other is just here for an extended visit.  
Jemu: Great. And where was this notification earlier?  
BOS: Sorry. But my sorceress/thief was already at level 8, and the skills and character tracking were-  
Evang: I told you no playing of RP games when we're at work!  
Nube: We have a problem, you three.  
3 Self-inserts: WHAT!?  
Nube: Looks like Ohgami's out of the picture for a while.  
Evang: Naze?  
Shinji: Well, when the Ohgami Kagekidan found out about old taichou's "unhealthy feelings" toward his superior officers, well, they weren't too pleased about it.  
  
And somewhere far away, in the land of Ohgami-bashers, there was much dancing and rejoicing. Another blow for the cause has been struck! Oh, sorry about that. Now, back to our regular programming.  
  
Jemu: Great. Just bloody great! Where are we going to get a replacement-  
  
Out of nowhere, three blurs appear, ninja-style, and land in front of Jemu. Immediately, they begin striking poses no sane sentai fan could bear to see.  
  
???1: We have heard of your need!  
???2: We understand the necessity!  
???3: We shall solve your problem!  
???: WE ARE THE... (more crazy poses) DEDU SU-RIIII!!! [Dead 3] YUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOH! tung tung tung tung tung tung tung tung tung...  
Kaede: (Claps her hands.) Wow! That's amazing!  
Jemu: Oh, it's just Kaji, Gai, and Shiratori-san. The Dead 3. Otherwise known as the SpaceBar's version of the Bara-gumi.  
  
At this, Kaede and Ayame begin to laugh uncontrollably. Soon, Jemu joins them, and upon finding out what Jemu said, Evang roars out as well. The Dead 3 just stand there and peer quizically at them.  
  
Ayame: You're kidding, right? You have your own Bara-gumi? Hahahahahaha!  
Kaji: Rose Division? What the hell is that?  
Kaede: Do you really want to know?  
Kaji: Sure, do pretty lady. Enlighten us poor folks, please.  
  
Kaede proceeds with her explanation on the Bara-gumi. About their beautiful yet male appearance, their rather 'gentle' ways, and the way they're usually locked up, er, kept in the basement. Shock, horror, then finally rage register in the eyes of the Dead 3. They set their sights on Jemu.  
  
Kaji: You will die this day!  
Gai: Gai Super NAPALM!!!  
Tsukurou: Gekigan KIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!  
  
The bystanders quickly scatter as the Dead 3 attack our friendly neighborhood techno-fiend. Jemu quickly fires his hidden jetpacks and flies up, out of range from Gai and Tsukurou. Kaji tosses what appears to be a watermelon toward Jemu's head, and seeing it, Jemu just slides a few feet to the side. Suddenly, the melon explodes with the force of a car bomb, sending him out of the sky. Tsukurou and Gai quickly take advantage of this opportunity and rush him as he falls.  
  
Akito: So, Gai and Tsukurou have nekketsu chi-based attacks-  
Shinji: But what did Kaji just do?  
Evang: Let's ask. BOS, get this on tape. Hey Kaji, what did you just do?  
Kaji: That was called melokinesis, my friend. But I haven't forgotten about you!! Here, catch!  
  
Kaji tosses another watermelon, this time toward Evang. Evang just sends a flare at it. and it explodes far away from him.  
  
Sousuke: Damn! Why do these things keep happening whenever I try to do something that seems like fun?  
Shinji: Starring in a sitcom is your idea of fun?  
Sousuke: It was a sitcom? I thought it was a drama!  
  
The battle rages on. Kaname and Tessa slink away from Sousuke after hearing those words.   
  
Kaname: And we're fighting over him?  
Tessa: It's almost enough to make a girl consider homosexuality.  
Asuka: Almost? Girls are more fun! They last longer, and you get to compare what she likes to what you like! Right, Rei-chan?  
Rei: Don't knock it until you've tried it.  
Kaname: Is this the designated table where the girlfriends of the actors are supposed to hide behind when something like this breaks out?  
Asuka: Be thankful that it's just the four of us behind this table. The Ohgami harem needed two buffet tables, and that's just for the Japanese components.  
Rei: Another table had to be commandeered for the French women.  
  
Iris: Onee-chan, what's a harem?  
Sakura: (Blushing.) Ah, well, it's- Iris! Where did you hear such a thing!?  
Sumire: No need to get so indignant about it, Sakura. But I guess it's to be expected of you. A harem is-  
Kanna: Listen to her well, Iris. She REALLY KNOWS what she's talking about.  
Sumire: (Standing up, hands on her hips.) And what's that supposed to mean, you manly monkey woman?  
Kanna: Manly? (Standing up as well.) If you were manly as well to be not beneath my notice I'd have clobbered you into the ceiling already!  
Maria: Stop it, you two! Get behind the table now!  
  
She stands to pull Kanna down, and Kohran takes the cue and tries to do the same with Sumire. A stray fruitbomb flies toward them, and as they watch in horror, Evang rips it apart with a fireblast. The resulting explosion knocks the four out cold.  
  
Sada-chan: And the moral of the story is, "When someone is lobbing explosives and someone can shoot them down, it's still not safe to be without cover." Now back to the fight. Or do you wanna see my beautiful face? No? Oh, well. (A well appears and she hops down into it.)  
  
Erica: Oh no, they're hurt! I've got to help them!   
Lobelia: Are you insane? You just saw what a stray melon bomb did, or didn't you!  
Erica: But-  
Glycine: (Pulling an axe from hammerspace.) It's alright. I'll cover you.  
Hanabi: Don't tell me you're going to swat away any melons with that.  
Glycine: Okay. I won't tell you. Come on, Sister, let's go. Lobelia, Hanabi, Coquelicot, stay down, clear?  
Coquelicot: Crystal. Good luck, Glycine-chan.  
  
Yukime: Husband, this is getting out of hand. Maybe we should put a stop to this.  
Nube: Let them be, wife. I believe they can solve this problem on their own.  
  
Another explosion rocks the studio/Main Lounge/eternal battlefield, causing a rather huge piece of masonry over their heads to fall. Acting on pure protective instinct, Nube covers his Yukime with his body and prayed, quick and hard, as a small rockslide buried them alive. That same explosion also knocked Glycine to the ground, as she valiantly tried to bat away not a melon, but a dumbfire rocket swatted aside by an irate Gai. The rocket, as usually happens in anime cases like these, then headed toward the target which could least defend itself against such an attack: in this case, a klutzy, kooky, ex-nun-in-training.  
  
Lobelia: Oh, shit!  
Hanabi: (Draws her bow and fires quickly.) Erica's god, if you can hear me now, help one of your devout worshippers!  
Coquelicot: Erica-chan!  
Orihime: Mio Dios! I can't watch! Let her live, please!  
Reni: It is probably beyond our small mortal hands now.  
  
Jemu: Gai, you fool, look what you've done!  
Gai: Should I have let myself be hit?   
Evang: And if you did? We have the DCA, remember, but she doesn't!  
  
BOS: My, a lot sure happens in two seconds. But there's more to follow. Read on.  
  
The old stories were true, Erica thought. When you are about to meet your Maker, your past flashes back before your eyes. She herself found it odd. She felt at peace, even as she watched the scene of her parents' death, even as Sakura and many others called out to her to get down, to save herself from the missile. All these bounced off her shell of total serenity, as she turned to look at the explosive instrument of death that was hurtling toward her, no more than four feet from her and closing in. It was moving as if it was wading through snow, the ones she remembered from her childhood. Still, she thought, I will be seeing Mama and Papa soon. Just then, a loud, powerful, male voice cried out her name, snapping her out of her trance, at the same instant that a huge black hand, followed by an equally huge red arm, punched through the roof of the SpaceBar. The hand buried itself in the floor in front of her, fingers extended, like a medieval portcullis, only this iron gate had no holes too see out of, nor spaces for the explosion of the rocket to push through and harm anyone behind it. And thanks to this seemingly miraculous act, the fighting stopped.   
  
Tsukurou: Merciful mother of mecha!  
  
The huge hand that protected Erica now pulled itself out of the ground, up and out of the hole in the SpaceBar's ceiling. Those inside cautiously approached the scene and looked up at Erica's savior. Eyes went wide, jaws fell to the floor, a lot of which ached from hitting the hard, polished surface, and Jemu and Evang showed the weirdest reaction: they fell over, the index finger, little finger, and thumb of both hands extended while the middle and ring fingers were folded in, the anime universal symbol of surprise and pain (after hitting your head on the floor).  
  
Sada-chan: If you already knew what they were looking at, congratulations! You ARE OLD! Or you're just a mecha otaku. I assume you'll either be groaning or flat on the floor as well. If not, well... :)  
  
There was no mistake about it. It was a huge, human-shaped robot about 60 meters tall, colored mainly in red and black with yellow and green highlights. It had an elongated head as was standard in kiryoku-powered units, but instead of horns, it had weird "ears". The attention of the onlookers were diverted, however, to the helmeted figure in white who was jumping anime-style from shoulder to elbow the kneeling robot, then letting go to land perfectly balanced onto the roof, or what remained of it. Looking for the place where he had sent in his robot's hand, the pilot saw it and jumped down, making his way to the maiden he had saved.  
  
???: Erica? What happened to your hair? You've cut and dyed it red, it seems. And what's with the nun outfit?  
Erica: I thank you for rescuing me, sir, but how is it you know my name?  
???: Oh, crap, some of the blast must have gotten through and sent you into amnesia mode again. Sweetheart, it's me, Hitsuya! You know, the one person your brother Richter would never stand for to have as a brother-in-law?  
Erica: Brother? I don't have a brother!  
Jemu: Ano, excuse me, Mr. Pilot?  
Hitsuya: Yes? Can you help me? Get her memory back, that is?  
Jemu: I have a question for you first.  
Hitsuya: Ask away.  
Jemu: You also went by the name of Richard Hartford, did you or did you not?  
Hitsuya: In the US release, yeah. Why?  
Shinji: Then that means... that robot up there must be...  
  
Moyase moyase makka ni moyase   
Ikaru kokoro ni hi o tsukero   
Taose taose chikara no kagiri   
Omae no karate o misete yare  
  
Kaji: Eh? Where's the music coming from?  
Orihime: You call that music?  
Gai: Who cares! It's a beautiful song!  
Akane iro no azayake   
Hi wo abite kirameku kyodai   
Manazashi wa mirai o mitsume   
Yagate kuru heiwa wo inoru  
  
Tsukurou: It's a glorious anthem of peace! How dare you say disparaging remarks against it! It is a testament to a warrior of justice!  
Evang: I have a bad feeling about this...  
Yonderu yonderu DAIMOSU DAIMOSU toshou DAIMOSU   
Minna ga omae wo yonderu...  
  
Evang: Hate to break this to you, Hitsuya or Kazuya or Richard or whatever it is you call yourself, but truth is, you've got yourself a case of mistaken identity.  
Hitsuya: Huh? But I heard from the sound detectors, they were calling for Erica to duck out of the missile's path!  
Jemu: True. I'd like to introduce you to Miss Erica Bellefontaine, from 1920s France. Miss Bellefontaine, this is Hitsuya, pilot of Battle Commander Daimos, currently based at the Space Dynamo and protecting this blue Earth from Brahmin invasion. Also happens to be in love with the Brahmin Imperial Princess, who shares a first name with you.  
Erica: Hello, Hitsuya-san. I'm glad we have cleared that mess up.  
Hitsuya: I- I- I think I need a drink.  
Evang: That's what the SpaceBar is for. Now, assuming that you haven't damaged the place so badly, you find a table and a seat and I'll take your order.  
Jemu: Hold on. I'm detecting something re-entering Earth's lower atmosphere.  
Hitsuya: Brahmin long-range beast machine?  
Jemu: No. My scanner says it's smaller. I think I know who it is. Impact in 5 seconds!  
Ohgami: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!  
  
SPLAT  
  
Ayame: Ouch. That's got to hurt.  
Kaede: Ewww. Does anyone have a tissue?  
Hitsuya: Is he still alive?  
  
As if in answer to his question, Ohgami groans and flips to his back. His actions are jerky, as if he were controlled by puppet strings. He lies on a pile of debris, gasping for breath.  
  
Ohgami: Please... make... the hurting... stop...  
  
Unfortunately, he landed on the same pile that buried Mr. and Mrs. Nueno Meisuke. As if by a cruel twist of fate, or maybe just because the author is turning into an Ohgami-basher himself, the pile explodes outward, sending debris and Ohgami flying. In its place stood Baki, a dazed but otherwise OK Yukime at his feet.  
  
Baki (Nube in demon form): RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!  
Yukime: Oh, stop posturing and help me up, dear.  
Nube (reverts back to normal): Oh, sorry, wife. Damn, but that felt good.  
Yukime: You really ought to go to that stress management seminar I saw in the paper.  
Nube: Can't. We're broke, remember?  
Yukime: Oh. I forgot about that. Well, why don't you just have a wrestling match with one of my cousins?  
Evang: Yeah, Teach. Bound to be cheaper, than any foolish seminar.  
Nube: True. Only thing is, her cousins would only be too glad to have a wrestling match with me. To the death. Then there's that grandfather of hers. Crazy old mountain king.  
Ohgami: Me... Medic...  
Erica: Oh, dear. I'll be with you, Ohgami-san, as soon as I see to these four.  
Sakura: They're coming to! Finally! Go and tend to Glycine and Ohgami-san, Erica, we're alright here.  
Erica: Glycine- oh, you're right! (Kneels and brings out her holy water sprinkler.) Glycine, I baptize you in the name of the-  
Glycine: I'm downed, not dead. No need to do an emergency baptism yet. And you can put away those mourning clothes, Hanabi, I'm still around to pester you.  
Hanabi: For the last time, Glycine, I'm not mourning anymore! I JUST LIKE BLACK!  
Glycine: I see you're still in denial stage. Don't worry, we'll get you out of that black cloud, right, Sister?  
Hanabi: Mou!! I give up!!!  
  
Meanwhile, Evang has walked over to Ohgami's side after giving Hitsuya a Saint Michael beer. Looking over him as well are Sousuke and Shinji.  
  
Evang: How are you doing, Lieutenant?  
Ohgami: What do you think?  
Evang: If you can still sound like that, you're probably fine. My guess is a few broken bones, no ruptured organs.  
Sousuke: Maybe some shrapnel or debris buried in your hide, but you'll be okay. I think.  
Ohgami: You think? (Coughs blood.)  
Shinji: Oh, jeez.  
Evang: Oh jeez is right. Erica! Get your holy skinny behind over here if you ever want to see Ohgami-san chase after you and your friends again!  
Erica: But I want him to chase after me only-  
Sakura: (Pulling out her family's holy sword.) Just go over to him and heal him, you ditz! Can't you see he's losing life and blood?  
Yurika: Yeah! And don't forget, I'm the official ditz around here!  
Akito: (In a stage whisper.) I want to die. My wife is a ditz and is proud of it.  
Jemu: That's what you get for marrying a starship captain. Anyone could have told you that you were marrying a space cadet.  
Akito: That pun is so bad, I don't even feel like Gekigan Flaring you to oblivion.  
  
Ohgami: You can beat her silly after she's healed me, Sakura. (Coughs up more blood, and maybe some guts to emphasize his point.) Erica? Please, heal me?  
Erica: You better make good on your promises if I do so!  
Sakura: Promises? What promises? Ohgami-san...!  
  
Hitsuya: Is he, you know- (Makes a generic gesture with his hands, which could mean anything to women but men get the point almost immediately.)  
Evang: Yeah. See, he's the leader of an all-female assault squad.   
Hitsuya: Really now?  
Evang: It used to be two distinct squads, so he had to divide his time and attention between two different teams. As a result, he's got a bunch of really weird relationships with his subordinates.  
Hitsuya: And those two? (Pointing to Sakura and Erica with his beer bottle.)  
Evang: I don't have all the details, but I think he got himself engaged or something to the one with the sword. Then he got called to work abroad to train and lead a second all-female assault squad, and managed to make the redhead believe that they have a future together.  
Hitsuya: Jerk.  
Evang: Yeah. Say, you aren't going to drink and drive, are you?  
Hitsuya: Heck, no! If drinking and driving is bad for vehicles, how much worse do you think it is for biofeedback-mindtap mecha?  
Evang: I'd say Kiryoku from 80-120, and reflexes down by 20% at the least.  
Hitsuya: See? I'll just have to call the Space Dynamo and tell them I won't be home until late tonight.  
BOS: Sorry to interrupt-  
Evang: You can't feel sorry, you're a machine. Go on, what is it?  
BOS: I have computed the probability of an automatic DCA upheaval as a result of interacting a new series, however brief it may be.  
Evang: And?  
Hitsuya: New series? Daimos is rather old, isn't it?  
BOS: Relatively speaking, you and your big friend are newcomers to this place. There is a 93.6% chance that some vital, dead character from Hitsuya's aniverse will appear within the next few minutes.  
Evang: Argh! And this place is a mess!  
Hitsuya: Heh. Heh-heh.  
Evang: What?  
Hitsuya: Just wondering what Richter would say if he arrived with this place as it is.  
Evang: I'm not in the mood to deal with royalty right now, especially not pompous asses of alien blond princes.  
Richter: That description wouldn't happen to include me right?  
Evang: That was fast. (Sweatdrop.) Greetings your highness. I suppose you're here for the Royal Stately Bad Guys Annual Party?  
Richter: I am. (Looks around.) I see women, but they bear the marks of commoners. And what happened here, did you have your mecha beast and beast fighter tournament already? (Eyes fall on Hitsuya.) YOU!!!  
Hitsuya: (Grinning wolfishly.) Hello, brother-in-law.  
Richter: Don't call me that! I'd rather... say, you are taking good care of my sister, aren't you? Where is she now?  
Hitsuya: Well, there's a bit of a problem. It's about image, I think.  
Richter: Haha! I knew it! I knew she never should have picked a common lowlife brawler for a husband!  
Hitsuya: Do you want to hear this tale or not?  
Evang: Come on, do tell. An image thing?  
Hitsuya: Well, it's like, her friends here on Earth are married to businessmen and professionals who cruise around town in BMWs, Volvos, Hondas, and what not. And what does she have? (In a falsetto.) Oh, my husband drives a super robot that turns into this really big truck. (Normal voice again.) Not exactly the height of sophistication, isn't it?  
Evang: Seems your assessment of the problem was correct, Prince Richter.  
Richter: Of course! I am a Brahmin prince, and who better to understand Brahmin royalty?  
Evang: Was.  
Richter: Did you just call me a wuss? (Draws his saber.)  
Evang: Your Highness! I am not in the mood to fight, and furthermore I have no intention of keeping you from your convention anymore. (Gestures to the floor and a set of stairs appear, heading into the bowels of the SpaceBar.) I have heard Zardos boasting to Sharkin and that android guy who hates Combattler V-   
Richter: Prince Garuda.  
Evang: -That he can defeat anyone in a fight, regardless of special abilities or body parts, using just his horns.  
Richter: Why that arrogant son of a goat! I'll show him! (Exit Richter down stairs. Evang heaves a sigh of relief.)  
Hitsuya: (Burping.) Oh, excuse me. Say, is there any way I can help with this mess I caused?  
Evang: Not if you mind a little manual mech labor. Would you mind if Battle Commander Daimos turned into Bar Cleanup Daimos for a few hours?  
Hitsuya: It's the least I can do.   
Jemu: You think you can handle it now?  
Hitsuya: I think so. I've just had a beer, one beer. I'm still in control.  
Jemu: Righto. First priority is to clear the place and sweep the debris away.  
Hitsuya: Make sure you evacuate everyone and make sure that everything is bolted or tied down.   
Evang: You don't mean-  
Hitsuya: I'll have this place cleaned up faster than you can execute a Hissatsu Reppuu Seiken Zuki Kai.  
Jemu: (Using a megaphone.) Attention patrons! Please vacate the Main Lounge and transfer to the Wreck Room. Lockdown will begin in five minutes. I say again, please vacate the Main Lounge!  
  
Yukime: Now, what do you suppose this is about?  
Yurika: I don't know, but whenever he says things in that manner, its best to follow. The last time he spoke with a megaphone was when we were attacked by Angels.  
Yukime: Tenshi?  
  
Just then, a student with spiky hair, clueless face, and what appears to be a human-sized beam saber handle in his hand appears.  
  
???: Eh? How'd I get here? For a moment, I thought someone was calling my name.  
Sada-chan: (Popping from a well which had just sprouted.) Ano, Masaki-san, they weren't calling you, they were talking about otherworldly creatures. Creatures not from this plane of existence, from outer space-  
Tenchi: Oh. You mean like all those women at my house? Like a couple of grandmothers, one incestuous, the other childlike? Like a pair of cops stuck with a certain space pirate and diminuitive mad scientist?  
Shinji: Look, it's Masaki Tenchi! Get him!  
Akito: Destroy the progenitor of males getting mobbed to death by women!  
Sousuke: Guys, we have to clear the place in two minutes. We have no time to beat up other people.  
Tenchi: Huh? No, it wasn't me, it was that other guy with long hair, Saotome! Yeah, that's his name!  
Sada-chan: Uh, oh. Angry mob inbound. Better make yourself scarce, Tenchi.  
Tenchi: Any ideas?  
Sada-chan: How about the portal in my well?  
Tenchi: It's as good as one under a flight of stairs, I guess.  
  
So while all this interesting stuff was going on, the rest of the characters not in the previous scene were herded to the Wreck Room thanks to some 'authority' figures, namely Misato, Maria, and Glycine. Meanwhile, Hitsuya was already back inside Daimos, waiting for the signal.  
  
Hitsuya: Ah, what the heck, I already gave them five minutes. Bato-bato sa hangin, tamaan, yari. (Waves his arms around in some weird martial arts gestures.) DOUBLE BLIZZARD!  
  
Daimos' chest opens to reveal the two giant nacelles, and the fans begin to spin and pick up speed. The roaring and howling can be heard from inside the Wreck Room, and intensified as the cyclone entered the Main Lounge and began to pick up bits of masonry, steel, and three brown-haired-  
  
Capt. Hoshino: Idiots.  
Ruri: Eh? That was MY line!  
Lapis Lazuli: Onee-chan, can you help me up to my room? I think I'm going to be ill.  
Capt. Hoshino: Ruriruri, go get a bedpan from under the sink. Talk, Lapis, what's happening to Papa?  
Lapis: Remember that amusement park ride where you stand strapped against the inside of a giant, spinning belt?  
Capt. H.: Yes.  
Lapis: Two and a half times worse. I'd hate to be where Papa is right now.  
  
Akito was having the same sentiments. He kept them to himself, obviously. You try talking while getting whirled around by a tornado strong enough to lift metric tons of weight, while trying not to get brained by flying debris. I dare you.  
  
Akito: (Thinking.) Wait, why am I such an idiot? (Boson Jumps out of the cyclone and into the Wreck Room.) Gah, hah, hah, hah.  
Yurika: Akito! (Glomp.) Thank goodness you're alright!  
Akito: Yrkkh! Hhh khnnnt grthhhh!  
Yurika: Huh? What did you just say?  
Akito: (Pulling his head from Yurika's cleavage) I said I couldn't breathe! (Buries his head again.)  
  
Meanwhile, at the Geofront... (!)  
  
Maya: Sir, you are not going to believe this!  
Gendo: Try me. You'll be surprised.  
Maya: (Sweatdrops as she remembers who she's talking to.) Unit 01 is moving on its own. Again.  
Gendo: (Sighs.) Make a note of it, Aoba.  
Aoba: Aye, sir. Making a note of it. Unit 01, moves again, without a pilot. Got it.  
Hyuuga: Shall I begin the launch sequence, sir?  
Gendo: I guess we'd better. Replacing more than a dozen floors of armor plating and bulkheads is going to be a pain in the pocket. Keep a watch on her movements, will you?  
Hyuuga: Yessir, Commander.  
  
Back at the Wreck Room...  
  
BOS: Warning! AT Field capable unit launch, detected.  
Jemu: Damn! Not another Angel Attack! We only have four Aesti pilots, and no SpaceBar 'Originals'!  
Evang: Superweapon power is disconnected, on account of 'renovations.' That's it, we're dead.  
BOS: I have it on visual.  
  
A display window materializes, showing a huge purple humanoid figure with a horn approaching the SpaceBar. More specifically, the robot standing near the SpaceBar, who is currently punching at debris being flung up and around by a hurricane.  
  
Jemu: SpaceBar to Daimos. Come in, Hitsuya.  
Hitsuya: Daimos here. What's this about? Just give me a few more minutes. Where did all this mess come from?  
Jemu: Hammerspace side effect. Listen, you have a berserk technorganic monster headed your way. Suggest you stop the cleanup until you've handed Mr. Ikari over to it and say you're sorry.  
Hitsuya: Nani?  
Evang: You got a couple of kids trapped inside that hurricane, Hitsuya, and let's just say that the monster is rather protective of one of them.  
Hitusya: Copy. But if I stop the cyclone, they'll fall right down, and I'm not sure I can see them amid all this crap.  
Jemu: We'll deploy a safety net of sorts to catch our kids. We'll call back when we're ready.   
Evang: OK, guest units, you heard the man. We need to catch two boys lost in that wind, and we need to catch them fast. May we rely on your assistance?  
Gai: Easy.  
Tsukurou: I guess.  
Evang: Tenka- OK, I assume from the way you're glomping each other that you'll be unavailable. I guess that means Ohgami-san, Shinguji-san, and Ms. Bellefontaine are out of the roster too.  
Ohgami: Thanks for asking, but much as I'd like to help, a couple of people ordered me on the pain of death to stay where I am. Incidentally, any of you ever experienced lying down on a couple of female laps? Best place to be in after an injury, other than an all-female hospital. Hey, which reminds me, I have this great script-  
Jemu: I think the medication is kicking in, wouldn't you say? Alright, seconds-in-command, then. Will you assist?  
BOS: Unit 01 is in pouncing range! Hitsuya, get into the air!  
Hitsuya: Roger that! Jeez, that is one ugly mother!  
  
Bad words. Wrong words. Hearing them, Unit 01's eyes flashed, then burned, with the color of molten amber. Never, ever, diss a woman. Unit 01 wraps her arms around a nearby building, rips off the higher floors and flings them at Daimos. Hitsuya dodges, thanks to the Hirameki seishin.  
  
Hitsuya: Aiiiieeeeeeee!  
Gai: ~Here we come to save the day!~  
Tsukurou: ~The Gekiganger freaks ~ are in the fray!~  
  
Kaji: I swear, I hope Mrs. Ikari doesn't kill them. That way, I get to do so. This has been one episode of bad songs and music.  
Orihime: (Overhearing Kaji.) What, you were expecting Mozart or Beethoven?  
Kaji: Weren't you?  
Maria: You can bicker later. Your side ready, Glycine?  
Glycine: Let's give the word.  
Maria & Glycine: Hanagumi, shutsugeki da!  
  
Koubu and Eisenkleid boil out of three of the SpaceBar's sides, some of them jumping on to the roof, those doing so getting a warning from our favorite Russian.  
  
Maria: Make sure you don't get sucked into the tornado, understand?  
Kanna: I got it. (Whistles.) Son of a gun, those two are HUGE!  
Sumire: Quiet! You might draw its attention toward us!  
Kanna: We'd be less noticeable if you stopped hissing, you know.  
Glycine: Kirishima-san, Kanzaki-san, focus your attention on the objects in the cyclone. As the two units on the roof, that is your primary responsibility, to call out where the children will fall-  
Lobelia: Now he's going to be in some pain!  
  
Everyone turned just in time to see Daimos get pulled down by Unit 01. This caused the Double Blizzard to fail, sending its contents hurtling toward the ground.  
  
Sumire: Get ready, minna!  
Gai: GAI SUPER-  
Tsukurou: Hold it, cowboy, you might hit the kids!  
Gai: But-   
Maria: This will be tough, people. We can't destroy the falling debris at range because doing so would risk hitting our objectives.  
Glycine: In other words, it's a Dodge-Dodge Rescue Mission.  
Coquelicot: Hey, isn't that a game or something?  
Kohran: Dear me, she just cracked a joke!  
Hanabi: There's hope for you still, Glycine.  
Jemu: Well, it does sound like Dance Dance- wait, I can't say it, it'll be copyright infringement!  
Evang: Kinda like Campus Big V or something? Heads up, people! I can see Shinji and Sousuke now!  
  
Maria and Glycine rattle of commands to change position and such. Meanwhile, Daimos has managed to kick off Unit 01 form on top of it. The EVA lands on its feet, then pulls out a prog knife. Daimos does a quick recovery and pulls out the Daimoshafts.  
  
Kanna: Got one! Brown hair, spiky!   
Jemu: Great! That's Sousuke. Who's got the other one?  
Iris: Iris does! He's unconscious, though.  
Maria: Excellent work, people.  
Tsukurou: SpaceBar, do we move to assist Daimos?  
Jemu: Negative. That's Yui Ikari in berserk mode, Geki-guys. Not much a couple of distortion fields can do against an AT FIeld.  
Evang: Hitsuya, what's with the Daimoshaft?   
Hitsuya: Not enough energy.  
Evang: Shit.  
Hitsuya: My sentiments exactly.  
Maria: Iris?  
Iris: Daimos is not a Koubu. Sorry, Iris can't power it up.  
Evang: Hanagumi, get back inside and finish the debris clearing. The sooner you finish, the sooner this will be over. Kanna, proceed to sickbay. Iris, try not to get killed out there.  
Maria: Understood.  
Glycine: You heard him, girls, it's cleanup time.  
Hanabi: I'm worried about you, Glycine. Where did the bad puns come from? Or when did they start?  
Jemu: Gai, Tsukurou, distract the monster as best as you can, to cover Hitsuya's retreat.  
BOS: Koubu have begun cleanup operations. Warning! More mecha detected! They'll be entering the combat zone one series at a time, judging from their speed.  
Evang: On screen! Did you say, "series"?  
BOS: Yeah. Look, the first series has entered the field now.  
Jemu: Yeah, I can tell from the BGM playing.  
Sora ni sobieru, kurogane no shiro  
Evang: Confirmed. Mashin-type has entered fray.  
Gai: Look! Tsukurou! A real Gekigan-type!  
Tsukurou: That's impossible! I thought we were the ones who created Gekiganger and the Gekigan-type!  
Hitsuya: Kouji! Sayaka! I never thought I'd be so happy to see you and Mazinger Z and Aflodai!  
Kouji: (In his usual high-pitched voice) Wow! That monster is huge! Are you sure you need us? You've lasted this far against it.  
Sayaka: (Also in a high-pitched voice.) He's low on power and energy, Kouji. He must have been fighting it alone all the while it took us to get here.  
  
Unit 01, noticing the newcomers, gave them a cursory glance. Then it turned its back on Mazinger Z, convinced that the bigger threat was Hitsuya.  
  
Kouji: Hey you! Oo ikaw, wag mo akong maliitin! You're dead, thanks to your turning your back on me!  
Jemu: Gai, Tsukurou, evasive action, now. You're about to see a rare treat.  
Tsukurou: We are?  
Kouji: FAIYAH BURASTAH!!!  
Gai & Tsukurou: WOW! GEKIGAN BEAM!  
  
The wave of flame crashes into the AT Field, engulfing the EVA in a globe of fire. It roars in anger, or in pain perhaps.  
  
Sayaka: Hitsuya, I'm refilling your energy tanks now!  
Hitsuya: (Takes a deep breath and screams at the top of his lungs.) HISSTASU! REPPUU! SEIKEN! ZUKI! KAI!  
BOS: Kiryoku up to 150. This is it, people.  
Kohran: Ano, we're done here. Now what?  
Jemu: Reconnecting superweapon energy supply-  
Evang: Our electric bill is going to be horrid after this.  
Jemu: Done! Particle cannon ready to fire!  
Hitsuya: FREEZER STORM!!  
  
Daimos' "ears" aim toward the ball of fire and release twin lances of ice. The AT Field, unaccustomed to the sudden change in attack temperature, gives way, and the EVA begins to be encased in a sheath of ice. Realizing this, Kouji cuts of his Fire Blaster. Even after doing so, the air around Mazinger Z still shimmers, the way it does over a boiling kettle. Soon, the EVA is totally trapped beneath cold crystal.  
  
Evang: Iris? Go walk to Hitsuya-san, and ask to be lifted up.  
Iris. Okay. Iris can do that. (Teleports onto Daimos' shoulder.)  
Evang: Now for the tricky part. Hitsuya, can you melt just the head portion?  
Hitsuya: I'll try. (Whispering.) Fire Blizzard.  
  
Spurts of flame lick at the top of the frozen mound, melting away the ice surrounding Unit 01's head. Immediately, the creature shrieks, causing Iris, still carrying Shinji, to lose her balance and fall, into Daimos' palm.  
  
Iris: Thank you, onii-chan.  
Jemu: Now, for the apology, Hitsuya.  
Hitsuya: Aww. Do I have to?  
Kouji: Does he? I mean, Shinobu, Sara, and the rest of the Dancougar team should be here shortly, not to mention those flimsy, lightweight Heavy Metals. All three of them.  
Evang: Wait a god-darned minute! What is this supposed to be, "Love's Whereabouts"?!  
Sayaka: Nah. You don't see a Geshpentz Personal Trooper anywhere, now, do you?  
Hitsuya: Could be. I was looking for Erica earlier, remember?  
Jemu: If you're going to apologize, do it now, Hitsuya. I don't think that ice attack of yours is going to hold Mrs. Ikari much longer.  
Hitsuya: Alright. (Extends his hand, the one where Iris and Shinji are on, toward the thawing EVA.) Sorry about getting your son caught up in my Double Blizzard, Mrs. Ikari. It was an accident. And I'm sorry I called you an ugly mother earlier.  
Iris: See? Shinji-san is okay.  
  
Back inside the Wreck Room...  
  
Nube: Is this negotiation thing going to take longer?  
Jemu: Bored already?  
Nube: Now that you mention it, yeah. Got anything to do here?  
Jemu: Well, I just got an art film that I think you and Yukime would enjoy. It's entitled "Shiroi Kisetsu."  
Yukime: "Season of White?"  
Jemu: It's good. It's part mystery, part comedy, part romance, part horror story or fairy tale, and it's not suitable for minors to boot.  
Yukime: You mean it's-  
Nube: Great! Where's the AV equipment?  
  
Evang: Sorry about your accidental appearance here, Masaki-san. Weird shit like that always happens around here.  
Tenchi: That's OK. I'm used to weird shit. I live in a house of sex-crazed alien women, remember? Compared to that, seeing robots small and giant-sized is a nice change of pace.  
Evang: Thanks. So, Sada-chan's well didn't freak you out or anything?  
Tenchi: It's a little dark, that's all.   
  
Suddenly the lights flicker, then go back to full strength.  
  
Tenchi: The hell?  
Evang: BOS?  
BOS: Sorry about that. I just turned off the cannon, and with the VR application being used in the sim room, I think that was to be expected.  
Evang: Who's in the sim room?  
BOS: Sousuke, the girls, the Tenkawas, and a three-some from the rocking 20s.  
Tenchi: Uh, sim room? VR?  
Evang: Say, why don't you try it, Tenchi? BOS, what's running anyway?  
BOS: The last time I checked, they were on board the Nadesico-A. Now, they're- wait, ah, yes- now, they're in a high-school sim.  
Tenchi: Thanks, I'll pass.  
BOS: Oh, but they change programs every 15 minutes or so. They claim to be browsing through my extensive environment collection. You can always complain to the others if youd don't like the current simulation.  
Evang: True. I suspect that the high school was Asuka's idea of culture shock treatment for Ichiro, Sakura, and Erica.   
BOS: Bound to be. Check out these parameters! Hanky-panky level, max; skirt lengths, short; blouse range, form-fittting AND low-cut.  
Tenchi: The hell? How's that supposed to look like?  
Evang: Why don't you go and see for yourself?  
  
The doors open, and the team that sortied walk in.  
  
Jemu: Took you guys long enough. Where's Shinji?  
Gai: Oh, he and his, uh, mother are spending some quality time together.  
Kaji: Probably giving him a talk on the birds and bees.  
Jemu: I see. And you, Sagara? You OK?  
Sousuke: So far.  
Maria: Where's everyone?  
Evang: If it's Ohgami you're looking for, he's in the Virtual Reality room. Probably chasing more skirts in 21st century France or something.  
Kohran: Virtual reality? What's that?  
Jemu: It's like your Koubu fighting simulator/ practice/monitoring equipment, but you're not just stuck to Koubu; you could be anywhere, be anything.  
Kohran: Sounds interesting.   
Lobelia: Wherever and whoever, huh? Sounds like fun.  
Jemu: It is. But don't take my word for it. Want to give it a spin? Door's that way (points to it) and once in, the computer will tell you what to do.  
  
Lobelia was off, taking an equally eager Coquelicot with her. Kohran and Kanna went along as well, leaving Reni and Orihime debating on the merits of this particular outing.  
  
Orihime: I could ask for a 21st century opera house, right?  
Reni: Present this one with unlimited opportunities, and she asks for an opera house. Really, some people have no sense of adventure or creativity.  
Orihime: Present company not excluded.  
Reni: I didn't hear that. So, Iris, are you coming along too?  
Iris: Iris doesn't know-  
Jemu: Go on, it will be fun, since Ichiro and Sakura are already inside. Along with some other people.  
Reni: And if you go, I'll go as well. That way, I don't have to be stuck listening to fat Italian singers.  
Orihime: (Cuffs Reni over the head.) Hey!  
Iris: Okay! Iris will go with Reni!  
Jemu: Good! It's settled, then. Off you go, and remember, you can run different programs simultaneously. I'm sure BOS can handle it.  
  
With that, the three were heading for the VR room as well. Which left...  
  
Glycine: Hey, Sumire, want to have a sparring match with me?  
Sumire: I wouldn't want to hurt you, or your Koubu, if that's what you're after.  
Glycine: As if I'd let you. (Turns to Jemu.) You can run combat environments, yes?  
Jemu: Where do you want to fight? Around an Egyptian pyramid, Amazon rainforest, knee-deep in the Russian taiga? Just say the word.  
Maria: In that case, how about we make it a paired match? I'll provide long-range support for Sumire, and Hanabi can do the same for you, Glycine.  
Glycine: Sounds good. What do you say, Hanabi, do you think you're up to it?  
Hanabi: Please. That little dodge-the-boulder earlier made me so drowsy. I think I could use a little exercise.  
Jemu: Right, then. You can finalize the details in the VR room itself. Enjoy yourselves!  
Glycine: Something tells me I will.  
Sumire: Strange, but I feel the same too.  
  
Both of them grin at each other as they sashay toward the VR chamber. Hanabi looks askance at Maria, who just lifts an eyebrow as if to say, "I know as much about it as you do." They disappear through the door just as the super robot pilots come in, led by Hitsuya and Kouji.  
  
Tsukurou: Hello there! I believe you're the pilot of that Gekigan-type earlier, right?  
Kouji: Gekigan-type? Hey, Hitusya, what's he talking about?   
Hitsuya: Damned if I know.  
Evang: He meant your "slightly" modified Mazinger Z. Since when did it start to have the Fire Blaster as its main weaponry?  
Kouji: It was Grampa's crazy idea. It was like a sauna in there while I was using it. I'm gonna ask Gramps to install AC the next time I see him.   
Sayaka: Can somebody explain what this Gekigan-business is all about?  
Tsukurou: It started out as a manga that we Jovians clung to when we were exiled from Earth. It became almost a religion to us. I think the designer for our military forces was a Gekignager otaku, so instead of a heavy destroyer ship design, he came up with a real-life version of the manga robot.  
Kouji: And it just happened to resemble Mazinger Z, right?  
Tsukurou: Yes indeed. I should show you the cockpit of my Gekigan-type, Daitetsujin.  
Gai: It's so funny! All the weapons are voice activated, so that enemies won't be able to do much with it even if it were captured!  
Kouji: But won't voice recorders be able to fool it?  
Tsukurou: I don't know. I haven't tried it. Although it does raise a point. What if I have a sore throat or something? It's worth investigating.  
  
Shinji: Well, see you, mom. I'll be good, I promise.  
Unit 01: SCREECH  
Shinji: And I promise not to give you grandkids until I'm 18. Especially not with your clone.  
Unit 01: LOW SNARL  
Shinji: Well, you could wait for the ice to melt. Just kidding, mom. I'll see what I can do. AT field won't work, huh?  
Unit 01: LONG SCREECH translated as: If it did, I wouldn't still be here now, would I?  
Shinji: I know mom, sorry I asked. I'll ask those other robot pilots with fire attacks for help. Be back in a flash, mom.  
  
Shinji walks into the spanking clean Main Lounge, only to find it empty. Save for the Full Metal Panic kids. Sousuke catches Shinji's glance and gives him a one of his own that said: "If you tell anyone how much I'm getting fussed over by these two, I will deny all of it. Then I'm going to climb into your bedroom and kill you in your sleep."  
  
Shinji: Hey there. Where're the others?  
Kaname: They're in the Wreck Room. It's the-  
Shinji: I know. The entertainment center of the house.  
  
Sada-chan: Psst. Jemu!  
Jemu: Huh-what?  
Sada-chan: I think we better get rid of the Super Robot Wars people ASAP.  
Jemu: But why? They just got here!  
Sada-chan: With them and the Aestivalis here, it wouldn't be such a big leap to point this place out as a possible Londo Bell safehouse. And the Evangelion parked outside isn't exactly to scare crows with, right? Would you like GUESTs, DCs, and who knows what else to drop in?  
Jemu: Oh, all right. (Walks over to where the three Super Robot pilots are doing some catching up over drinks.) That's a real nice overhaul job you have, Kouji.  
Kouji: Thanks! It still needs better heat dissipation, though.  
Hitsuya: Know a place nearby where we can upgrade our mecha?  
Jemu: (Recalls the SpaceBar's hangar but decides not to tell them about it.) Well, there's Big Falcon. They're bound to return from Bozania anyday now. Or there's the Saotome laboratory.  
Shinji: (Walking in and overhearing the last.) Is this the guy that gets chased by males AND females all the time?  
Jemu: Might be an uncle or something. Heck, I really don't know.  
Tsukurou: TROUBLE!!!  
Jemu: What?!!  
Kaji: Look, up in the sky!  
Gai: Is it a bird?  
Sada-chan: Is it a plane?  
Evang: Why are we so idiotic at times? BOS, on screen!  
BOS: Humans. Feh.  
  
What appears to be an episode of Super Robot Demolition Derby appears. The people gathered at the bar stare at the screen in interest.  
  
Gai: Look at that robot in the lead! It's fast!  
Kaji: It's not fast, it's scared. See how much damage it's taken?  
Tsukurou: Is it me, or does the lead robot look like a Gekiganger 3 clone?  
Jemu: Make that an ugly-looking beat-up Gekiganger 3 clone.  
Sada-chan: Shhh! They're bringing in the audio now.  
  
"This is for stealing my robot's face, AND the SWORD! THUNDER BREAK!!!"  
  
Kouji: Hey, that's Tetsuya!   
Gai: Tetsuya? I don't know any Gekiganger pilot named Tetsuya.  
Kouji: He's the one that's chasing the lead robot, the one with the sword out.  
Tsukurou: You mean that isn't Gekiganger in second position?  
  
Gekiganger dodges. The screen is split into three as the Gekiganger pilots exchange anxieties on air.  
  
#1 Spiky-haired, short-tempered pilot (caption as seen on screen) Ken: Shit! That was close! I say we about face and fire back!  
#2 Long-haired, "cool as a cucumber pilot" Joe: Just what I expected from an idiot like you.  
Pilot #1: What did you just say!?  
#3 Overweight, peacekeeper pilot Akira: Hey, you two, look out, there's more of them coming toward us!  
  
A silver and white robot bursts out of the ground, drill first, and flies up into the air. There is a flash, and the robot separates into three aircraft, only to fly in a line and form-  
  
Sayaka: It's Getta Robo!  
  
Getta machine #2 pilot, Hayato (who bares a striking resemblance to Joe): Getta change, switch ON!  
Getta machine #3 pilot, Benkai (who bares a striking resemblance to Akira): Uh, this is for stealing our three planes combine to one kick-ass robot concept, yeah!  
  
Getta-1 brings out the dreaded-  
  
Getta machine #1 pilot, Ryouma (who bares a striking resemblance to Ken): TOMAHAWK BOOMREANG!!!!!!!!  
  
And throws it at the Super Clone flying toward it. As if by some quirk of fate, Gekiganger manages to dodge again and the flying blade is deflected by the Great Mazinger's sword.  
  
Tetsuya: Watch it, Ryouma!  
Ryouma: Oops.   
  
Then, from out of nowhere, a boyish voice cries out: "Aren't you guys old enough to drop numbers from the name of your show?"  
  
Ken: Don't tell me you're going to take issue with that as well?  
???: Okay, we won't. MOON ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!  
  
A rather large (70-meter tall) orange and blue robot drops from cloud cover, energy flowing from its clenched fists to the glowing golden crescent on its head. A few second later, sickle shaped constructs of energy spiral out from the robot toward the so far lucky Gekiganger 3.  
  
Shinji: Uh, Bishoujo Mobile Suit Zambot-3?  
Evang: That's right, you're too young to remember. It wasn't too popular either. That, dear boy, is Muteki Chojin Zambot-3. Zambot 3 for short.  
  
The sickle-shaped beams home in on Gekiganger and seem to freeze it in mid-air. Getta-1 and Great Mazinger, sensing a helpless target, quickly dash in for the kill. But before they could get in swinging range...  
  
Ken: Kisama! Joe, Akira, GEKIGA OUT!!!  
Akira: We can move faster if we're separated! Good idea, Ken!  
Joe: We'll also die faster if we get hit.  
Ken: Big "if".  
Deep male voice: Did someone say, "big"?  
  
The screen images darken as something blocks out the sun.  
  
Ken: Please, don't be another original we ripped off!   
Joe: We're sorry!  
Akira: We'll even send you some sushi, just don't hurt us!  
Deep voice: Sushi!? Raw, uncooked, FISH!!!???? The gall!!! I hate fish! I nearly died once because of some bad fish I ate and was not able to pilot Daitarn 3! And you three jerks even had the temerity to put in a "Sick because of bad fish" episode as well! I, Haran Banjo, will punish you with the power of the sun! SUN ATTACK!!!  
  
Hitsuya (or Kazuya): I don't understand why Banjo's so pissed off. It's just an episode, for crying out loud.  
Jemu: I believe Gekiganger 3 has an episode where the enemy is like rubber and they first had to freeze it with their storm attack... what was it called?  
Sousuke: Gekigan Cyclone.  
Jemu: Thanks- hey, what are you doing here?  
Sousuke: I felt I was getting undercut in air time, so I decided to make an appearance.  
Hitsuya (or Kazuya): The bastards!!! "Rubber Armor Episode!" I'll show them a real storm attack! (Rises from the table.)  
Kouji: Mind if we tag along?  
Kazuya: Just don't get in my way. (Heads for the door.)  
  
Kouji moves to follow, and with a shake of her head and a muttered "Men" Sayaka followed suit. Meanwhile, the screen is showing the comparative height of the robots in the field, and Gekiganger is at the bottom of the pile. Still being small helped it dodge Daitarn-3's Sun Attack. Upon reaching the parking lot and climbing into their respective mecha, Sayaka discovers a slight problem.  
  
Sayaka: Kouji, Aflodai can't fly!!!  
Kouji: No problem.   
  
Mazinger Z lands behind Aflodai, who is standing beside a still frozen EVA popsicle. The sheer difference in heights between Dr. Kabuto's creation and Dr. Ikari's wife is hilarious. Before Sayaka could ask, Mazinger Z wraps both its arms around Aflodai's torso.  
  
Sayaka: Kouji noo... BAAKAAAAA!!! (Starts twisting and flailing.)  
Kouji: Hold still! I'm not doing anything ecchi! Am I, Kazuya?  
Kazuya: If your mecha had advanced biofeedback and mindlinks, it would have been.  
Unit 01: SNARRRL!!  
Kazuya: Yes, I meant you and your kind, Mrs. Ikari.  
Kouji: Agh! That's it! SUPAA RASHI!  
  
Mazinger Z, still clutching Aflodai's Photo-Atomic Mammary Missiles (TM), is hurled into the air by rocket propulsion. Such was the strength that the resulting backblast melted the ice around Unit 01 and reminded Kazuya to fly off in chase of the cursed fiends.  
  
SpaceBar permanents: ~FAITO! Toki wo koe tanaka o senshi! Yuku ze SUPAA ROBOTTO WA-~  
Evang: Stop! Copyright infringement!!!  
Sada-chan: Isn't that the English translation of Gekiganger?  
  
THE END??? 


End file.
